To wonder how women in the city with kids manage

[Jadefeather7]

If you work in the city (or indeed have a job that requires long hours and an hour or more commute) how do you manage? I guess many will have nannies. Do you not see your kids during the week? I’m planning to go back in a few months. I will likely get a nanny but if I carried on as before I would get home by 7 or later by which time baby would be in bed. I’m thinking off asking for 3 days working from home so that I can work 9-5 and then 7-9. That way I can have some time in the morning, at lunch and in the evening with the baby. Not sure if my request will be accepted. Interested in how others manage.

I’m still on mat leave but the plan is nursery, DH and I to WFH two days a week each and Friday one does drop off, the other picks up.
If this doesn’t work for our employers, DH will likely become SAHD and I’ll have to step up my money making...

when I was cm in worked in a town where a lot of parents commuted to London & other big cities at similar distances. So a few dc use to come between 7/730 & dp return about 630/7 - sometimes trains/roads/work problems meant longer days. Find someone who will work in partnership with you & love dc - in Jan each year I gave parents a list of my holiday dates which allowed them time to co-ordinate their holidays

I work in the City and am currently on my first mat leave. We live about 45 minutes from my work. Currently my plan is to request to go down to 3 days a week for six months, then up to 4 (being paid for 4 days from the start but using one day of holiday a week for the first six months). I am actually going to be putting in the request on Monday. No idea if they'll go for it.

The days when I am working DD will be in nursery which is nearish home, en route to work. She'll be there 8am-6pm and DH and I will be splitting pick ups and drop offs equally.

I've got no sense of whether this is going to work. I've spent the past 12 years working very long days and being available whenever anyone needs me. My employer is also very old school and I literally don't know anyone at work who is on a flexible working arrangement. They have forked out for me to have a maternity coach though so perhaps times are changing 🤞

We'll just have to see how it goes and if it's awful I'll try and find another role somewhere more flexible.

It’s very very difficult OP! I had good childcare with help from family when I worked full-time in London (not the city, but involved a 1.5 hour commute each way) but the emotional struggle of not seeing my baby during the week was horrible. After having my second, I went part-time (80%) but it was still very difficult. A year later, I switched to a more local job (same pay thankfully) which is currently great, I’m still 80%, but some days are very long. At some point though, I’ll have to work in London again.

When kids are little, it’s fine for them to be looked after by someone who is competent and who loves them. But as they get older I do believe they need a parent to be around. They’ll be less physically needy but they’ll become more emotionally needy. They’ll need help with homework, friends, dealing with bullying, etc. They might not need you to change their nappy but they’ll need you to be emotionally available. My plan is to go down to 60% in a couple of years. Career progression would take a back seat, but I don’t want my kids to grow up with mental health problems, so it’s a no-brainer for me.

I find these threads fascinating. I've never had a high flying career and choose to work part time locally so don't have any experience. I literally can't understand where you all get the energy from!

I left OP.

I had it all set up in my head. Nursery, nannies etc.

But a child psychiatrist friend and I went to spend time in nurseries to try them out as she was pregnant too.

By the end of the day we were exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed. The noise, the colours, the bright lights, the constant activity. And we’re adults.

There is some evidence that cortisol levels are higher in children in daycare, especially under 36 months. My friend felt that the high turnover of nursery staff even in the best run places could potentially cause attachment issues.

We both decided against that.

So I thought nanny. And then the baby came and I just thought what’s the point of paying a dog and barking yourself. So I resigned.

I am a nanny. My bosses leave at 7:40 and are usually home by 6. They like to do bed and bath.

I Cook for him during the day and so his washing etc so I also send regular photos and updates.

My bosses make an effort to be home early and work more when she’s asleep.

Just so you know most nannies including myself do not like working for parents who work from home.

After DS1 I was doing that kind of job. We managed wit bulletproof childcare (our CM will take them if they’re ill) and DH doing half of the drop offs and collects. I could therefore work as late as necessary two days a week (nobody ever did on a Friday) and two days I was in at 6pm to do the two hour evening. I saw him all weekend and it worked well. It may have helped that I grew up with a FT city DM who I adore so I wasn’t scared of it.

I have gone in house since we had DS2 but that was about not loving the sales element of the role rather than childcare.

I started a job in London with a 1hr 40 commute when my
Kids were 2 & 4. I had an au pair while my husband was away. She dropped them at nursery/childminder and picked up. Now husband is back he does al that. Will need an au pair again eventually. I now do 2 days from home a week

The people I know

Have a nanny
Wfh at least one day a week
Partner wfh at least one day a week
Have changed their hours and partner changed hours so one can see in the morning and one in the evening
Have a small age gap between kids so they at least see the first when off on mat leave with the second
Some gone part time though not gone great in terms of reduction in workload
Some dads have reduced or condensed hours

I guess the v high earners may have a stay at home dad

To be honest they generally have to log on and do more work after the baby is in bed, holidays and weekends

Lots of childcare (live in nanny, or at one point x2 nannies) and grandparents as back up.

I usually left the office at about 5, did bedtime and then logged back and worked from home in the evening. This was a pretty common working pattern in my office and didn't cause many issues.

It was much easier to just have slightly poorer billables for a year or so than to actually negotiate part time.

@TatianaLarina what was a day at the nursery like?
I have lovely memories from mine 30 years ago - light exercise, semi-circles for stories and games like Chinese whispers, playing with toys, lovely meals, playground etc

@Cohle That’s exactly what I was thinking!

I've known women in the City (law and banking) that have had arrangements to leave the office at 5 or 5.30 and then start working again at say 7.30pm. Only works if you're babies are reliable at going to sleep and staying asleep, which neither of mine were or are! Nannies tend to work 12 hours max so by the time you add in a commute it still doesn't cover city working hours alone. Partners tended to have nannies + au pair + cleaners which obviously beyond affordability for mid level workers

I have little sympathy for all these people with high-powered, well-paid jobs who are forced to employ nannies to care for their children. My sympathies are with the parents who have to get up early and travel long distances in order to clean the offices of these 'important' people.

eddiemairswife I have an ok paying job, it happens to be in the city; I can’t go part time and our family can’t afford for me not to work....and I’m not a cleaner

Only you know if your job is suitable to wfh. I think 3 days a week is fine if you would get exactly the same work done as in the office. Skype meetings or phone meeting imo are just as good.

@eddiemairswife
OP isn’t looking for sympathy. She’s trying to do the best for her family and is asking for advice. I think it’s a good idea for everyone to ask these sorts of questions, whatever job they do.

Some interesting ideas here! I've just gone back to work 4 days a week when DS was 6 months old, but DH is currently doing shared parental leave. He'll be going back 4 days at the end of the year, and DS will go to nursery 3 days a week.

The plan is he'll do 8-6, with one of us handling drop off and one pick up each day, but we'll have to see how it goes in reality. I'm already being much stricter about hours in the office in anticipation - I'm usually in about 8:15 and leave about 5:15

I think the keys to making it work for me will be: 1) taking equal responsibility between the two of us. 2) I'm now senior enough to have a lot more control over my hours and flexibility to work remotely as needed is a big help. 3) working in house so less demanding hours overall and 4) having a very very reliable second in command on my team who I trust to make decisions on my non working days.

If it doesn't work, we'll have to rethink. Realistically, I earn 3* DH's salary so if we need to compromise further, it'll have to be him taking a step back. But that's a bridge to cross when we come to it!

@TheBestSpoon I totally agree with some of those points. The only reason my working arrangement works is because I have a team I can trust when I am not there.

Your baby doesn't have to go to bed at 7pm. Both my children went to bed at 8pm precisely so they could see their Dad in the evenings and he could do bath time with them.

Op
Nanny. Nanny nanny nanny. Get a good one and you’ll climb over hot coals for her (because she will for your children)

Those saying - I get an hour in the morning etc - be honest. That hour isn’t quality time. Everyone has just woken up, there’s showers to be had, bags to be organised, breakfast eaten. It’s time, but it is not quality time. So don’t think that 6.30-7.30 will make a real inference

Push and push hard for as much working from home you can get. And if you are really valued - they will work around part time

Please let’s all just completely ignore @eddiemairswife

We have an excellent nursery 10 mins away that is open 7 - 630. DH takes DD every morning, I get into work for 7 (leave the house at 530!) and leave at 4 to pick her up. I work from home one day a week and DH does late starts (10am) twice a week to minimise the amount of time she is there.
Also have a cleaner and do online food shopping to arrive when Friday evening to minimise chore time at the weekend.