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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is daughter?

43 replies

Swift1978 · 17/08/2019 11:09

My 20 year old daughter told me to fuck off last night and that I didn't care about her because I wouldn't sit with her while she fell asleep. She felt like her throat was closing up and felt she couldn't breathe (this is a regular occurrence and happens when she has anxiety which has been triggered by her period hormone fluctuations. However whilst I am aware she can't control this she has form for demanding and controlling behaviour over me and I just had had enough of it last night.

I had my partner round and we had put a film on (I only see him twice a week at most and he hadn't come over until she was going to bed as she had work in the morning). She text me and said she couldn't breathe and couldn't sleep so I went up to her room, suggested she read or put a film on to distract her, both suggestions shot down, I said I didn't know what else to suggest and she said she needed to to sit with her whilst she went to sleep (this could have taken hours!) I said sorry but I'm not going to sit here for hours at which point she told me to fuck off and that I clearly didn't care about her. I tried to talk to her but she just kept telling me to fuck off so I went back downstairs.

I'd paid her £3000 towards her rent for next year ( which was a massive chunk of my savings and a massive amount of money as a single parent) only that day and gone and bought her some make up as she had run out.

I've known my partner for 16 years as we used to date when dd1 was little but it ended (mainly due to my stupidity) and we only got back in touch last year and it's been lovely and he's very respectful of me having time with both my daughters (my youngest is currently on holiday with her dad) even if I've blown off date night at the last minute because dd1 has had some crisis or panic attack. However I feel that as she is moving in with her boyfriend in less than a month and is doing her final year of uni that I should have some sort of life and not just be mum at her constant beck and call as she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet a bit.

We've always been very close but had our ups and downs as we are both similar personalities and she has made lots of unreasonable demands and has been quite nasty in the past eg saying that she preferred me when I was miserable and alone. I had a horrible relationship with her step dad who I was with for 11 years and who completely gas lighted me and then walked out with no warning. She doesn't seem to think I deserve to have any sort of life and should constantly be around to cook, give lifts and deal with her daily dramas but I'm just so tired of being walked all over by her. Aibu or is she?

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 17/08/2019 11:14

She sounds like she’s 6 not 20. She’s an adult and while it’s nice to have your mum around, mum doesn’t mean slave.
She certainly seems to have some issues though. Has she sought help?

Original poster

Swift1978 · 17/08/2019 11:19

She's had numerous goes of cbt, anxiety is mostly under control but gets bad again when she's hormonal or has been out drinking heavily and not had enough sleep which is a regular occurrence at the moment as she's home with all her friends for summer.

OP posts:

Howlovely · 17/08/2019 11:23

Your daughter sounds obnoxious! Who on earth does she think she is, treating you like that? I think she needs to hear some home truths. She is 20 years old, not a stroppy teenager. She is rude, entitled, ungrateful and seems to think the only life you deserve is to be at her beck and call. Disrespectful madam.

BeanBag7 · 17/08/2019 11:24

If shes moving in with her boyfriend, will she expect him to sit with her when she wants to fall asleep? She needs to get used to doing it by herself. I assume she eventually managed to get to sleep without you.

Original poster

Swift1978 · 17/08/2019 11:29

She refused to speak to me this morning before she went to work and hasn't replied to my text so I don't know when/if she got to sleep. 70% of the time we have a very close relationship but that's usually because she's getting her own way.

I'm so glad that you haven't all told me I'm a terrible mother as that's how she makes me feel. I hate to say it about her because I love her very much but it feels a bit like she has taken over the controlling manipulative role her stepdad had over me.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 17/08/2019 11:36

I had to go back and check her age. 20?! I thought you were talking about a 6 year old.
Who is going to sit with her while she falls asleep when she’s moved out?

Original poster

Swift1978 · 17/08/2019 11:39

Wish I could show her these replies to get the point across to her that she's being unreasonable but I can only imagine the shit storm that would ensue if she knew I'd started a Mumsnet thread about her!

OP posts:

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 17/08/2019 11:41

To me, her behaviour appears irrational. On the face of it, your behaviour is showing you care and are invested in her wellbeing. Something is going on under the surface here. It’s like she could be fearful of something, perhaps she’s not even aware of it herself. Can you talk to her and also listen? Listening to the language she uses and reflecting back what you are hearing (and understanding) may help your connection. Perhaps she feels a bit disconnected and this is why she is behaving in a needy way?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 17/08/2019 11:43

I can only imagine the shit storm that would ensue if she knew I'd started a Mumsnet thread about her!

70% of the time we have a very close relationship but that's usually because she's getting her own way.

You enable her poor behaviour .

WhyTho · 17/08/2019 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SexFarmWoman · 17/08/2019 11:53

Try a different tack. Stop trying to get her to see how unreasonable she is being, and concentrate on YOU not accepting her shitty behaviour.

You don't have to go off like a rocket- start by telling her, when she comes back (whether she thinks she's speaking to you or not) that the next time she tells you to fuck off in your own home will be the last time she will be IN your home. And mean it.

NicEv · 17/08/2019 12:02

I think your account is one sided. It sounds like she has had quite a challenging childhood - you make no mention of her dad but she has clearly had at least one step dad - you describe him leaving from your perspective (he walked out on me without warning, he gaslighted me) but that will also have had a huge impact on your kids. Moving out of home and finishing uni are both big changes even for a twenty year old and she suffers from anxiety and panic attacks.

Tbh I think you could have sat with her for 15 minutes to help calm her down, talked to her about her fears, provided some emotional support. Even adults need their mum’s.

I would be interested to hear her account - I am sorry but I think yours is very one sided and focussed on you.

Original poster

Swift1978 · 17/08/2019 12:16

I am well aware of the impact her step dad (yes there was only one but thanks for the dig!) walking out had on her, she had counselling and we have talked about it at great length and all know our lives are much better without him in it. Her own father has some contact with her but they don't have a close relationship, we had her young (20) and he couldn't cope with the responsibility.

She's not moving out for the first time, she was in halls last year but miserable so I spent at least 5 hours a week driving back and forth to collect her and drop her back so she could be home for weekends. I have constantly supported her, she doesn't cook or clean or do anything at home unless paid for it! I sat with her for ten minutes and reassured her but she wanted me to stay there indefinitely which I wasn't prepared to do.

OP posts:

AngelasAshes · 17/08/2019 12:22

Can’t you get her some medication? Clonazepam is good for taking as needed when anxiety creeps up on you. It can help with sleep too.
I’d tell daughter that you both need to find a solution to this bedtime anxiety and suggest she go to her GP.

rookiemere · 17/08/2019 13:16

Whilst her behaviour does sound unreasonable, it does feel a bit as if you're trying to view the dynamic of the relationship with you as the victim.

I would try to interact with her on an adult to adult level , or if that's not possible adult to child with you as the adult. So remain calm when talking to her, don't give in to unreasonable demands but try to reassure her that you do care about her. It is possible she has picked up behaviour from the stepdad, but as she's young it should be possible for her to change approach.

katewhinesalot · 17/08/2019 13:25

You can say that you know she was disappointed and upset that you wouldn't stay. That's fine, she can express that, but that you will not accept being told to fuck off.
Don't apologise for not staying but say that you had suggested other options which she wouldn't consider, you also couldn't consider leaving Dp on his own, so you the situation is as it was. You do obviously care. She can choose to view that differently but of course she knows the truth. then suggest putting it behind you and moving on.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 17/08/2019 13:33

Your daughter is spoiled rotten. You have to now undo this OP. Easier said than done, but you realizing you need to have a life of your own is a good start.

theWarOnPeace · 17/08/2019 14:16

Your daughter is spoiled for starters. You’ve done that. Secondly, she’s had to bear witness to you being treated poorly by other adults until they walk out. So on two counts she thinks she can treat you like shit. This isn’t cut and dried, and let’s not overlook the issues she’s having with anxiety - she feels like her throat is closing up for goodness sake. That’s not normal! You need to completely rethink the way you parent if you want to see an improvement here, and she needs counselling to deal with addressing why she has such bad anxiety. You’ve enabled her behaviour up until this point, and now expect her to just accept it when you deny her what she is normally given.

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 14:35

I had a horrible relationship with her step dad who I was with for 11 years and who completely gas lighted me and then walked out with no warning. She doesn't seem to think I deserve to have any sort of life and should constantly be around to cook, give lifts and deal with her daily dramas

Poor OP & poor DD! - she has picked up on years of you being treated like shit by exH, & has absorbed his messages about what you ought to be for.

But if she is expecting to move in with her b/f, she is going to need to start finding techniques to self-soothe when she is anxious. Unless she wants to become her b/f's little pet & expects him to take over your role.

Obviously you need a calm quiet talk when tempers are level again. However, after years of this dynamic, it's going to take more than 1 discussion. How much actual domestic responsibility do you give her when she is at home? - because for starters, you need to stop being the martyred house servant & begin demanding her input. How else is she going to learn how to adult?

Cassilis · 17/08/2019 14:56

Sounds like she needs to move out permanently.

Geraniumpink · 17/08/2019 15:05

Poor both of you! She sounds a very young 20. And you both sound stuck in a very uncomfortable dynamic. The anxiety needs to be sorted and she needs to take a bit more responsibility for it - either medication or counselling or both.

Original poster

Swift1978 · 17/08/2019 16:03

I've been trying for the last 3 years to get her to go on medication for her anxiety but she absolutely refuses as she Googles everything and is convinced medication will have worse side effects than the anxiety itself. She particularly suffers with health anxiety, every ache, pain, sore throat etc and she's convinced she's about to drop dead.

I know some of this is my own fault because I've done too much in the past but I've been trying for the last year or so to get her to do more to help at home but she point blank refuses most of the time unless she wants something. I come home from a long day at work to find all her mess everywhere, doesn't even load her plates In The dishwasher. If I ask her to do anything she just starts shouting and crying about her stressed she is!

OP posts:

Caselgarcia · 17/08/2019 16:09

I can't get over your DD telling you to fuck off. I would not accept that under any circumstances. Make up would have been taken back and nothing from me until she apologizes. Why are you texting her?

Sparadrap · 17/08/2019 16:16

So her throat was closing up and she couldn’t breathe but she still was able to tell you to fuck off? She is playing you OP that is not genuine. She didn’t get her own way so chucked her toys out of the pram.

Btw I’m not saying she doesn’t have other issues, I’m saying it sounds like that instance was far more about her controlling you and ruining your evening with your dp rather than her struggling with anxiety.

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 17/08/2019 16:45

This. First thing I thought after reading the account.

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