Or is daughter?

[Swift1978]

My 20 year old daughter told me to fuck off last night and that I didn't care about her because I wouldn't sit with her while she fell asleep. She felt like her throat was closing up and felt she couldn't breathe (this is a regular occurrence and happens when she has anxiety which has been triggered by her period hormone fluctuations. However whilst I am aware she can't control this she has form for demanding and controlling behaviour over me and I just had had enough of it last night.

I had my partner round and we had put a film on (I only see him twice a week at most and he hadn't come over until she was going to bed as she had work in the morning). She text me and said she couldn't breathe and couldn't sleep so I went up to her room, suggested she read or put a film on to distract her, both suggestions shot down, I said I didn't know what else to suggest and she said she needed to to sit with her whilst she went to sleep (this could have taken hours!) I said sorry but I'm not going to sit here for hours at which point she told me to fuck off and that I clearly didn't care about her. I tried to talk to her but she just kept telling me to fuck off so I went back downstairs.

I'd paid her £3000 towards her rent for next year ( which was a massive chunk of my savings and a massive amount of money as a single parent) only that day and gone and bought her some make up as she had run out.

I've known my partner for 16 years as we used to date when dd1 was little but it ended (mainly due to my stupidity) and we only got back in touch last year and it's been lovely and he's very respectful of me having time with both my daughters (my youngest is currently on holiday with her dad) even if I've blown off date night at the last minute because dd1 has had some crisis or panic attack. However I feel that as she is moving in with her boyfriend in less than a month and is doing her final year of uni that I should have some sort of life and not just be mum at her constant beck and call as she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet a bit.

We've always been very close but had our ups and downs as we are both similar personalities and she has made lots of unreasonable demands and has been quite nasty in the past eg saying that she preferred me when I was miserable and alone. I had a horrible relationship with her step dad who I was with for 11 years and who completely gas lighted me and then walked out with no warning. She doesn't seem to think I deserve to have any sort of life and should constantly be around to cook, give lifts and deal with her daily dramas but I'm just so tired of being walked all over by her. Aibu or is she?

Think you need some tough love here. Sit her down and tell her you will not be spoken to that way or all future support will not be forthcoming. That you will not be emotionally blackmailed and you are no longer going to enable her behaviour.

Regardless of what happened in the past you are not her whipping boy. Plus you'll be setting her up for big failure in life if you continue to enable this behavioir.

I also agree she was trying to sabotage your evening with your DP

In the nicest possible way, when I was 20, I was living in my own place, with dp (now ex) and our 1 year old son, both of us were about to start our second year of university, we both had part time jobs, and I had generalise anxiety disorder, bipolar, and hyper mobility syndrome.

What I’m saying is- she needs to grow the fuck up! She is treating you like shit. I’m sorry for that. But I hope your new relationship goes well- you deserve it

It’s not anxiety it’s manipulation!

I’m not doubting that she has anxiety but people in the midst of an attack to the point that they can’t breathe can’t easily get a word out let alone shout for their mum and then subsequently tell her to fuck off.

It’s all bullshit! Don’t fall for it!

I also think you need to take a tough love approach with her for both your sakes.

Whatever her issues she simply cannot speak to you like that and make such demands. Wait for her to come to you - don’t chase her by text - then lay down a few ground rules and stick to them. Imagine the hold she’ll have over you in future (which will impact on dd2 and any relationship you try and have) when she’s got more adult issues to deal with, and possibly children of her own. Nightmare.

she Googles everything and is convinced medication will have worse side effects than the anxiety itself.

It's entirely possible Miss Know-All doesn't WANT help for her condition. I don't mean to be all sinister & over-dramatic, but it's kind of convenient for controlling her mother with, innit?

get her to do more to help at home but she point blank refuses most of the time unless she wants something
&
I come home from a long day at work to find all her mess everywhere, doesn't even load her plates In The dishwasher. If I ask her to do anything she just starts shouting and crying about her stressed she is!

She's quite spectacularly good at engineering her own way, isnt she?

I don't know how you address this long term OP, as there is much to unpick, but if DD takes this entitled attitude to her other relationships, she's going to be geting a series of sharp shocks which she may be ill-equipped to handle.
Short term, her belief that she doesn't need to do housework unless there is something in it for her needs to change - today. You must explain to her that what's in it for her is a roof over her head & food in the fridge.

You are really doing her no favours with the mollycoddling. Start with a demand for an apology for the 'fuck off' at least.

Your daughter is not an independent adult.
She will find life very hard.
Telling her own mother to fuck off - she sounds disgusting.
You have enabled this behaviour she hasn't developed this overnight and it isn't a fad.
Hopefully, other parents can learn from your mistakes on this forum.

The girl has anxiety. Sure, her behaviour seems spoiled and she might be. But she was having an anxiety attack or the onset or one, for the people who are analyzning the way she has an attack (which comes in many forms).

I don't think her words are a reflection of how she truely feels. At that moment she was in a panic and felt that to make her feel better she needed her mum to soothe her and you didn't want to stay with her until that happened. At that particular moment she probably didn't feel like you cared about her - prompting her respons to you.

Yes, it is irrationel as some people have stated - BUT SHE HAS ANXIETY - the whole point of anxiety is that it is very much irrational.

My two cents from someone who had dealth with a lot of anxiety in the family.
Don't take her words to heart during an episode. You Sound like you actually feel like a good parent who made lots of sacrifices so stick with that! Do not let anxiety ruin that for you.
Anxiety is tough and ruins the lives of the sufferer, but also the family.
You might know that her fears are irrational, but at that time she doesn't. Whatever the problem might be at that time her whole body and mind is reacting to the percieved problem or "danger".
Of course it is not okay for her talk like that to you, but she needs help with coping with her anxiety - even if she doesn't want medicin right now she could get help with techniques to manage her anxiety.

I honestly think she is too old to be "parented" now.
Also, as long as you treat her like a child, she will act like one.

However, I wouldn't lay down the law right now. You would only piss her off when she is on the cusp of moving out anyway.
That doesn't mean you have to accept the shitty behaviour.

Stop ferrying her around or bending over double for her. She is not a child and can solve her own problems.
If it's convenient then great. If it's not, then it should be a "no" from you.

Spending the evening with your boyfriend instead of sitting on her bed is exactly where you could start.

Live the life you want to live. She'll buck and bronc for a bit before calming down.
(If she ever moves back in with you, that's when you need to discuss new rules though)

Your daughter is being unreasonable. Her anxiety is obviously controlling her life, you can't let her let it control yours too.

Yes, it is irrationel as some people have stated - BUT SHE HAS ANXIETY - the whole point of anxiety is that it is very much irrational

Caused by heavy drinking.

I have a 19 year old and your DD sounds very very immature.

If she is struggling with anxiety that badly I would get her to see a dr I understand if you don't suffer with anxiety it's hard to understand but the best thing to in that situation would have been to help her through it. It can get frustrating I get that but I don't agree with other people calling her spoilt. No she definitely should not have used that language with you I wouldn't dare say that to my parents and I'm 26 😂 but if she was having a panic attack and felt she couldn't breathe then she needs a lot more support and maybe even medication. I would have a chat to her about it and see if she would be comfortable getting some medical advice for her anxiety so she doesn't rely on you so much?

I come home from a long day at work to find all her mess everywhere, doesn't even load her plates In The dishwasher. If I ask her to do anything she just starts shouting and crying about her stressed she is!

Seriously? Why have you been putting up with this? I'd have told her to do her share or move out, and meant it. And being told to fuck off would get the same response.

Well I am a soft touch but having had the feeling of not being able to breathe (asthma) and ending up in hospital last year (asthma + panic attack) I would have been doing the following, 20 years old or not:

1. window open, supporting her while she breathes out of window
2. teaching her breathing techniques, slowing breathing down - breathing in then twice as long when exhaling (ups the oxygen saturation due to getting rid of more C02) and calms down if panicking about throat constriction
3. Upright position bolstered with cushions, patting or stroking back in soothing motions then glass of cool water. Damp cloth on face.
4. Emergency salbutol inhaler 2 puffs - will always ease that feeling of not being able to breathe, they last me for 6 months (200 puffs)
5. Enya on in the background

You have to have lived it to understand just how bloody awful it feels and whether it is anxiety or psychosomatic it does make you feel scared, panicky, angry, emotional, lonely - anyone being there doing 1-5 helps.
I can do all this for myself now but if DP is dismissive, by God, it hurts. Having done croup and pneumonia etc when my DD was little I had to do 1-5 last year for her as a 16 year old when she couldn't breathe (dust inhalation/bronchitis).
I had plans with DP but tough, a film can be postponed.
But as I said, I have been accused on here of being a pushover in other scenarios so maybe I am. Being told to fuck off is not great, my DD has done that too but always always apologises after the fact. As do I if I ever lose it. There's usually an underlying reason which may not justify it but does explain it.

Do you know how debilitating anxiety is?

How it tells you that no one cares, regardless of however many people tell you otherwise. how it blows everything simple thing out of proportion. How it makes you doubt yourself, hate yourself, hurt yourself.

You have raised this child, she is a product of her upbringing. Now she believes she needs you, you have no time to indulge her, and just expect her to accept that because you bought her make up and paid her rent.

Do you know that the anxiety will be telling her that you paid her rent in order to get rid of her? That you bought her make up because you think she is ugly. That you don't sit with her because you want her to die (she is obviously worried that she will stop breathing)? Yes, anxiety is irrational, but the voice is loud and makes you doubt everyone, and everything.

The controlling, manipulating behaviour is very different to that of her stepfather, because he could control it, she can't.

I am not saying that you have to be there at her beck and call, and her swearing at you is not on, but to her you are withdrawing from her, and she is panicking because she doesn't have the tools to help herself, because she hasn't been taught.

How have you handled the anxiety in the past, when she was younger?

As for those berating a 20yr old with anxiety ... I have no words.

Today 04:49 differentnameforthis

Do you know how debilitating anxiety is?

You have raised this child, she is a product of her upbringing. Now she believes she needs you, you have no time to indulge her

^Clearly the OP does know and is trying to help her daughter. We’re all products of our upbringing to some extent but no one’s responsible for anyone else’s personality and character, even the people we raise. Some are capable of being selfish, melodramatic, controlling and manipulative all by themselves.

We don’t actually know this family- easy to make assumptions and judgements.... and in your post you come across as a sanctimonious judge pants tbh^

Do you know how debilitating anxiety is?

I have anxiety and depression so yes I do know. I don't agree with what you have said.

Does anxiety give her a free pass to treat her mum like crap all the time? Of course not. From the OP it seems like she has weaponised her condition so that any request for her to act as an adult is met with aggression. Asking her to do the dishes is a simple request that shouldn't be met with hostility.

Does she act like this with her boyfriend or work colleagues? I'm guessing not.

It's doing her no favours bowing down to demands. She needs to be aware as a functioning adult she can't manipulate others to get her way or she will never have sustained relationship going forward.

She needs to be aware as a functioning adult she can't manipulate others to get her way or she will never have sustained relationship going forward.
I'm not convinced that this daughter is a functioning adult!
She has severe anxiety, and was barely able to cope with living in Hall of Residence last year. Is she getting support from the University? What other support is she getting?
To be honest CBT doesn't cure everything - and she could do with a therapist to help her deal with her anxiety but also maybe to deal with the underlying causes of her anxiety. Medication is not necessarily the answer - for some people it is great, but for others it doesn't help and without a correct diagnosis it can be very 'hit and miss" at best.

I would be concerned that moving in with her boyfriend and final year at Uni, whilst great strides forward for her could well go badly wrong.

Maybe next time she has an anxiety episode you should take it far more seriously . I don't know if your area has a "safe place" but if it was my DD I would load her in the car and take her to our local one. (I have been very close to this before with my DD when having an anxiety attack.)

Is she really happy about moving in with her boyfriend - or is she anxious about it?