Am I being oversensitive?

[IABUQueen]

I’m currently pregnant with number 2. My first born had good development inside the womb but his development struggled between 32 weeks-36 weeks. Was referred to consultants but cause never found. Was born at the second percentile. I had attended constant hospital appointments because my weight wasn’t increasing and alarmed doctors of my concerns about baby growth but they were complacent. I had never taken it lightly but I was assured that prenatal vitamins were enough and I took their advice st face value.

Ever since I’ve been religiously going to the health visitor. Received help from lactation consultant on my insistence. Stayed at home as a SAHM so I give him the best food.. I’m just so paranoid and blamed myself and cried for ages because I felt it was me who didn’t get Well nourished in pregnancy even though I was healthy but struggled with nausea (had severe nausea).

My parents know this. I take him monthly to the health visitors and they’re happy with his progress as he is still on the curve.

Now I’m 32 weeks pregnant, I’m feeling nervous and told my father (who is a biology teacher) to please wish me luck that this time round my baby doesn’t stop growing in the womb like the previous one. I asked him for advice on what I can do to make sure this doesn’t happen (in the womb).

So my dad went on to say that my baby’s weight is to do with my breastfeeding, food and sleeping. And that if I look after these there shouldn’t be a problem..

I don’t get on with my dads wife, she has been constantly putting down my breastfeeding when I visit. When baby cries at night she says to my dad that I’m not producing enough milk. My dad is a biology teacher but has no clue about those issues and his wife is uneducated. She has not been able to breastfeed her kids and I feel she is purposely obsessed with trying to make it out that I am not doing s good job.

So I feel upset at my dad. We had this conversation many times before. He seems fixated on the idea that I’m not a responsible parent despite the fact I keep telling him I’m going to health visitors and my child is on the curve and they’re happy with his progress and it’s just that he started of small.

I just replied that I’m confident with me looking after my child who is now a 2 years old and is perfectly healthy but that he will remain below the average weight and that it is not within my control.

I already struggle to accept that I had a baby inside me who was malnourished and I couldn’t do something about it and I feel sensitive that my father’s only form of support is to make me feel like I’m not doing enough as a mother.

AIBU?

IABUQueen I wouldn’t, if I were you. It will just give you something else to stress about. As long as he’s eating well, is happy and healthy and the HV’s are happy with his progress then don’t give yourself something else to hey worked up about.

It’s BMI measurement that is used on the growth chart from 2 years old. If you’re still feeling anxious about his weight I’d speak to your health visitor, but honestly he sounds like he’s doing well and thriving. If you do want to monitor his weight you need to do not do it more often than 3 monthly.

Once your child gets to the age of two, your health visitor may use their weight and height to calculate their body mass index (BMI) and plot it on a centile chart. This is a way of checking whether your child's weight is in the healthy range or not.

If they're overweight or underweight, your health visitor can give you advice about your child's diet and physical activity levels.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/baby-weight-and-height/

My first dd was iugr. Scans at 20 wks measured her 3 wks behind. I had several scans before so it was clear there was a problem. She remained behind in growth until delivery at 37w. She was born on the 0.4th centile. This was likely due to pre-eclampsia although that didn’t happen until 34w. There was a Doppler scab of the uterine arteries which indicated some issue on one side is linked to iugr. My dd is now 11 and between the 5-9th and the smallest in her class. My second dd was not iugr but premature again pre-eclampsia. She was on the 25th but is now the small build same as her older dd. I too was very petite as a child some there is some element of genetics there too. I then had a third dd who was average weight following s normal pregnancy and is a totally different build to her sisters to the point where we jokingly say we possibly took home the wrong child!
I was so preoccupied with feeding and building up dd1 and centiles, weight etc. looking back I think i was experiencing an anxiety disorder because of it all both during pregnancy and after the birth.
It sounds like the later end of your first pregnancy and the birth were very traumatic so I am not surprised you are concerned about all of this.
I had baby weighing scales, plotted my own centimetres chart, I went a bit crazy and it only increased my anxiety. Perhaps avoid that if you can. Now I don’t even think about it. My 2 older dds are both happy healthy active girls who are petite.

Also to note the main reason behind my anxiety isn’t because he is “small”. These things aren’t a big cause of concern.

The big issue is that when the ultrasound technician measured the circumference of his abdomen and his head and his height and found that the abdominal circumstance was suddenly lagging behind... and then he was born with everyone noting that he has a big head for his body and his waist was very tiny and he had no fat tissue, just skin on bone. And no ability to regulate temperature like other kids (same until now) and very weak muscles upon birth for few months. And his waste still is tiny compared to the rest of his body but he seems more proportionate now, but does seem to be limited in his stomach capacity.

His development in the womb between those weeks didn’t struggle just in terms of weight. But upon reading up about it it seems that babies who go through this have their brain claiming the majority of the blood supply because it’s scarce and that the rest of his body is malnourished, which causes the disproportionate growth.

Again, I probably should discuss my records with the medical team but what happened was when he was born I was aware of the associated risks in cognitive development which might show in later years for babies who went through that in the womb. He did display some of the signs and we spent the first few months stressing about minor things like why he doesn’t close his fist like other babies and constantly alarmed.

I’m much more at ease with it now because as he grew we realised he is cognitively doing ok. But I prepared myself for the worst which is where my anxiety came in. But I did not like this game of suspense not one bit. And it horrified me to realise how close we were to have had our babies’ brain starved.

I don’t feel the monitoring of him was at all adequate and I do think still it was a case of slight medical negligence which is probably why I’m taking it upon myself to do all the reading.

I think the right steps would be for me to schedule a meeting to discuss my previous birth as it might give me many answers I need. I think I’m just dreading spending the first months of my babies life having to chase up all the milestones of their cognitive development suspiciously because of struggled in utero. I’d rather spend that time bonding with my baby in peace without the overwhelming guilt.

But thanks for those who contributed to this thread. It did help me dig deep and realise the route of my anxiety. I probably do need to be aware of what’s triggering me and I probably should discuss it with someone. I guess the first step would be to restore my trust in health professionals who I feel didn’t take me seriously until too late, by discussing previous birth.

At least now I know what I’m looking for in terms of reassurance. Thanks.

Doppler scan!

I think you need to change the way you are thinking about all of this.... your child isn't underweight from what you have said. He was born on a percentile and stayed on it! Lots of things can impact which percentile you are on including genetics. A baby on the 99th percentile isn't overweight anymore than one on the 2nd is underweight it's a range. The only worry is if a child drops 2 percentiles or stops following the curve. He hasn't done that so he fine!

I agree with a pp who said that at 2 your son may transition over on to a different method (bmi) which hopefully will be clearer.

As for your original post if your dad is unsupportive then I would stop taking to him about it all!!

Because of the iugr issue with dd1 I was monitored very closely and had many more scans in the 3rd trimester with dd2 and 3. I would imagine that this is what should happen with your care too as you are now in the 3rd trimester just to check all is going well. My dd1 had symmetrical iugr, it was thought most likely to be a chromosomal disorder because when it is placental iugr is asymmetrical with the ‘head sparing effect’ like you describe which protects the brain. In my case thankfully it wasn’t chromosomal. I never got a definitive answer as the placenta wasn’t sent for analysis but most likely placental due to pre-eclampsia.

Gracey, thanks so much for sharing your experience.

So upon my request they managed to give me a growth scan at 28 weeks and a blood test, and another one at 33 weeks and consultant meeting following that based on results they will probably schedule another one.

I did feel that this was down to my chasing as there was nothing on records from my first pregnancy which is keeping me on edge.

I wonder whether this is similar to what you got? I really want to trust my instincts (despite the anxiety) this time round because I don’t want to have this “told you so ” moment when it’s too late like last time.

Because there was no complete investigation last pregnancy nothing was concluded. I guess I should request a full debrief ASAP.

I will work on that this weekend.

I’m a bit late to this but I just wanted to say I appreciate your stress and the comments made about DC1 still being slight are horrible.

My twins were extremely premature and both weighed under a kilogram, they were tiny and it still stabs at me when people comment how small they are for their age (just coming up to two years old) they eat well, have tonnes of energy and are delayed developmentally but not to a degree of high concern as yet, but other people’s views are ranging between politely ignorant and downright rude. So I do get why your fathers remarks have upset you, I truly do. For the first year of their life neither of my twins were even near the lowest centile for weight and have just (just!) hit the 9th centile and it’s been a long road to get them there.

As for foetal growth for your 2nd DC I haven’t much to add that other PP haven’t already suggested, I hope you don’t have to push the health professionals too hard (for your sake not theirs) in getting more regular scans to track DC2’s growth and I wish you the best of luck with your second lovely DC.

I think for those who haven’t experienced raising a low weight baby - it’s hard for them to know how difficult it is for a Mum who has but I just want to say - you are doing brilliantly xx

I live in Ireland and went privately for all pregnancies with the same consultant I was under with DD1. He specialises in high risk pregnancies and I was very well cared for, I was seen by him at every appointment.
I had weekly scans in the third trimester to ensure that the baby wasn’t becoming further compromised as if she was I would have been delivered straight away.
I was under this Dr previously due to recurrent miscarriage so he knew my history there too.
I think you are right to request this review. You needs some answers although you know it may not be possible to identify exactly why this happened but at the very least, I think after my experience, you should be offered regular growth scans to ensure that there are no issues this time.

I think the child’s height is important - if your da’s Height was on the 90ty cE time yet his weight was on the 2nd, that would be a problem!

But if height and weight are similar, then fine!

My ds was born on the 25th centile then fell to the 9th, but his height was on the 9th too. He’s tracked that centile for years.

now he’s 12 and a county athletics champion! Biggest is not always best... someone has to be biggest and smallest...

Don’t listen to your dad. Try to relax. If medical staff had been seriously worried, they would have monitored your dc in pg.

Good luck!

For clarity my son is 19 months old. So not yet 2. So I’m assuming soon his height will be taken into consideration. I will probably leave it for now as he is soon to be 2 years and I’m going to hit the roof with anxiety atm so probably best I don’t emotionally burden myself further unless health visitors indicated. But I might ask to be referred to a pediatrician since it seems I have a lot of questions regarding my son. Might as well discuss it with someone.

Thanks Navi for making me realise I’m not the only one who feels this way. It really is tough to have your whole life revolving around your child only to have someone casually doubt your devotion because of something out of ur control. It happens with strangers but sad when it’s from my dad it did sting.

Gracey, reading your experience I think I might just consider referring myself to private care for the following few weeks to put my mind at ease.. or I will just insist for further monitoring and a debrief ASAP. Thanks a lot.. all I needed was an action plan. Whatever happens happens but I’d hate to sit their idly waiting and then blame myself after with all the “what if’s”. The “what if’s” is what drove me to feeling so inadequate.

I’ve put off getting medical insurance for me and my son and going private as I was feeling silly with my trust issues towards the NHS. But I guess, I need to be kinder to myself and accept that sometimes reassurance is necessary. Not being seen by the same consultant and having records lost in communication is so frustrating when every little detail counts. Might be too late though now but will explore it for sure.

My 2 year old saw her paediatrician in hospital a couple of months ago and they plotted both her weight and her height. Although she is on a low centile for weight, her height is in proportion so she isn't deemed underweight. I don't think they specifically worked out her BMI, if they did they didn't mention it to me, just said the curves were in proportion.

Saying that I don't think you need to start measuring his height. It sounds as though he is doing absolutely fine and there is no concerns. They probably don't measure height against weight unless there are concerns, if the child is otherwise fine and healthy there's not really much need. It doesn't sound as though he is underweight. What happened during pregnancy wasn't your fault, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a small child.

You specifically say in your OP that you asked your dad for advice on how to make sure it doesn't happen. You need to stop asking his advice. He doesn't know and you know his answer will upset you. If he or his wife bring it up, you need to remind them that neither of them are trained health professionals so you will stick to the advice of the health professionals.

Special thanks for those of you who validated my concerns. Its really going to help me express myself better with the consultants as I just wasn’t sure where to start. Wasn’t feeling coherent and was dreading the frustration after getting brushed away due to my confusing communication.

I do struggle to express myself when emotionally overwhelmed. Which is usually why I come to this forum to unpick my thoughts. Usually one small thing triggers much deeper unresolved issues, for me. And that when I realise I’m struggling

Really don't understand why OP was given a hard time here. Reads to me that she has a healthy little boy who's following the 9th centile. 1 in 11 children will be on or below the 9th centile, so it's not like he's crazily tiny.

She's anxious due to a tough time on her previous pregnancy. She's at the same stage again now and the anxiety is understandably ramping up.

She went to her dad for some reassurance. I don't think it was too much to expect him to say "Darling, you're a wonderful mum. DS is perfect, nothing wrong with being small. And all you can do in pregnancy is eat well and look after yourself. I'm sure this baby will be absolutely fine". Instead he criticised her and said the thing she's most anxious about is her fault. Even though she's following all medical advice and the health visitor says her son is fine.