Am I being oversensitive?

[IABUQueen]

I’m currently pregnant with number 2. My first born had good development inside the womb but his development struggled between 32 weeks-36 weeks. Was referred to consultants but cause never found. Was born at the second percentile. I had attended constant hospital appointments because my weight wasn’t increasing and alarmed doctors of my concerns about baby growth but they were complacent. I had never taken it lightly but I was assured that prenatal vitamins were enough and I took their advice st face value.

Ever since I’ve been religiously going to the health visitor. Received help from lactation consultant on my insistence. Stayed at home as a SAHM so I give him the best food.. I’m just so paranoid and blamed myself and cried for ages because I felt it was me who didn’t get Well nourished in pregnancy even though I was healthy but struggled with nausea (had severe nausea).

My parents know this. I take him monthly to the health visitors and they’re happy with his progress as he is still on the curve.

Now I’m 32 weeks pregnant, I’m feeling nervous and told my father (who is a biology teacher) to please wish me luck that this time round my baby doesn’t stop growing in the womb like the previous one. I asked him for advice on what I can do to make sure this doesn’t happen (in the womb).

So my dad went on to say that my baby’s weight is to do with my breastfeeding, food and sleeping. And that if I look after these there shouldn’t be a problem..

I don’t get on with my dads wife, she has been constantly putting down my breastfeeding when I visit. When baby cries at night she says to my dad that I’m not producing enough milk. My dad is a biology teacher but has no clue about those issues and his wife is uneducated. She has not been able to breastfeed her kids and I feel she is purposely obsessed with trying to make it out that I am not doing s good job.

So I feel upset at my dad. We had this conversation many times before. He seems fixated on the idea that I’m not a responsible parent despite the fact I keep telling him I’m going to health visitors and my child is on the curve and they’re happy with his progress and it’s just that he started of small.

I just replied that I’m confident with me looking after my child who is now a 2 years old and is perfectly healthy but that he will remain below the average weight and that it is not within my control.

I already struggle to accept that I had a baby inside me who was malnourished and I couldn’t do something about it and I feel sensitive that my father’s only form of support is to make me feel like I’m not doing enough as a mother.

AIBU?

Some of this doesn’t make sense OP.
What has being a SAHM mother got to do with having a kid on the 9th centile? I have two kids on the 9th. No concerns have ever been raised about them. They are happy, healthy and have met every milestone. They were also breastfed.
Growth restriction is linked to a number of complex issues. It is unlikely you would be able to do anything about it.
Either way, I am not sure what you expected your father or his wife to say. I think you might be traumatised from your previous pregnancy and you are reading into these comments things that are not there. It is not clear why you need your father’s permission to breastfeed?

Bertrand that wasn’t direct at you. I’m just saying in general I don’t understand the scrutiny about my feeding.

My problem is... I’m 32 weeks pregnant and around this time is when prenatal scans showed my baby wasn’t receiving nutrients.. and I would hate to feel like I can’t avoid this happening for this pregnancy...

No one wants to think their baby is starving inside them :S.

The scans showed his body was disproportionate at 36 weeks and struggled for oxygen at birth. He might be healthy now but doesn’t mean to subject another baby to that.

I’m not sure what you’re asking for here? What exactly is it you want tips on?

If your dad and sm are making you feel inadequate then tell them to stop it. If they don’t, cut contact. Are you sure they weren’t just trying to advise you and you took it the wrong way? They do eco test shouldn’t be judging you. As long as your dc is putting on weight, even if it’s slowly, that’s fine. Make sure they have a balanced diet and keep up the breastfeeding for as long as it suits the both of you.

'TBH you sound overly anxious, and looking for something to fixate on. That's not healthy and something you need to address.

And I agree with the PP who said what would your father know about growth restriction in pregnancy? He gave a ‘common sense’ answer that anyone might have given. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I'm confused too.

yes children in terms of weight can easily jump centiles, there is no reason, unless a medical problem that an underweight baby should remain under weight at two.

I have a child of my own. Unless there is a medical problem then there is no reason why a child should remain under weight, weight can be influenced in a healthy child, unlike height.

What is their height centile?

OP
Do you live with your dad and step mum?

As others have said, your dad is a biology teacher. Important job, but it doesn't make him an expert in all things biology related.
And, it seems like he's using the bit that he does know to try and shame you...?

Is your relationship generally difficult with your dad? .

My ds was on the second centile - he jumped

But your breastfeeding has nothing to do with IUGR which is what I presume your baby had. There is also not a lot you can do about it other than stay healthy, and have your baby monitored. It feels like you have a great deal of guilt about this and you are blaming your father for an off the cuff remark.

For what it’s worth as I said, I have had multiple placental issues, an extremely premature birth, two small babies- I get that complicated pregnancies leave a legacy. But the issues arising out of it are mine and other than saying ‘oh well hopefully the same won’t happen again’ or ‘if you eat well maybe it will be okay’ no one can say anything to reassure you. They are not the most sensible things to say, but you can see where people are coming from.

The child is on the 9th centile. He’s perhaps smaller than his peers but he’s not ‘underweight’ per se.

I’m confused about what it is you are exactly asking?

Your first child being on the 9th percentile doesn’t mean they are underweight. All those centiles are normal and as long as the child stays on their curve (give or take a few ups and downs) then there’s nothing wrong with your child’s weight.

Unless they are on a much higher percentile for their height? I apologise if you’ve mentioned their height percentile and I’ve missed it. If there is a big discrepancy (more than two percentile difference) then it may class your child as being clinically underweight.

My first son was BF until he was 2.5 years old and was always on the 50-75th percentile.

My second son is 2 years old, still breast fed and floats between the 9th-25th percentiles. I think he’s just going to be a bit of a dink.

He also wakes up 1-2 times a night: I have never thought this to be a cause of him being a smaller child. I’m quite confused by your dad’s theory really that a better sleeping child is likely to gain weight better? Is that what’s he’s saying?

Personally - I think your dad’s misguided opinions (not facts) are what are fuelling your anxiety. I would stop asking for advice because it’s not remotely helpful or beneficial.

And I agree with the PP who said what would your father know about growth restriction in pregnancy? He gave a ‘common sense’ answer that anyone might have given. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I guess you are right. Just thought my dad would know from the effort I’m putting in that it’s not because of inadequate parenting. And I guess not everyone stops asking questions when told that professionals are not concerned about his feeding and that it’s a separate issue.

My ds was on the second centile - he jumped smile

Do you have tips for me? Was it a case of growth restriction or just genetics ?

Unless they are on a much higher percentile for their height

That's the key bit of info. What is the height centile.

The ops father is saying the child is under weight because she doesn't feed them adequately and is too reliant on breast milk.

The op seems to be under the impression a child can't jump weight centiles, which is concerning. Even more concerning she thinks the child is under weight because they were born under weight.

The health visitor only goes on what the op tells them.

The height centile will show if this child is actually under weight or not. And the op hasn't advised what she's feeding the child.

I’m gonna step away from this and come back in the evening.

The topic is actually causing me serious anxiety so probably I have developed some trauma issues I need to deal with

It was awhile ago...( ds nearly 20!)

He was sensitive to all kinds of food I ate- dairy, tomatoes, any caffeine. I found I had to be very careful.
Honestly though, the centiles are averages- if he's on the chart, then he's within the realm of normal.

PS- my son is healthy, and has developed completely normally.. he is short, but both his parents are! He's slim and broad shouldered, and certainly not the smallest of his group of friends.

Yes, I'm a proud mum

If your first child wasn’t growing or receiving what it should’ve at 32 weeks pregnant, did they deliver you? Was your baby premature?

I think of you keep healthy, eat healthy foods and keep active then that's all you can do while pregnant. Keep visiting your midwife, tell her any concerns and hopefully they will keep an eye out for any slowing of growth with dc2.

I highly doubt anything you did caused dc1's growth restriction, it just happens at times without rhyme or reason.

As for the comments on your dc1 growing, bf, etc....ignore them. Is he growing? Is the HV happy? Yes!! I assume he is happy and has energy to play... Then he's fine and you've done a good job.

My dc2 is on the smaller size. But she's followed her centile line since birth so I'm not worried at all.

i was once asked in hospital by a doctor (she had an accident) if our HV was concerned about her as she was quite small. I felt like they were blaming me that she was small and I should be doing something...it was probably me being over sensitive at a difficult time.
When we got home I went and got her weighed and she was still on her centile line, (she's on the same for height and weight too...it's all been a perfect tracking of her line) HV put my mind at ease that there was nothing wrong.

Even the height centile is not a huge issue. Actually DS1 is now on the 25th for weight (born on the 9th) but 75th for height. He is tall and skinny. DS2 is 9th for weight (born v v v prematurely) and 50th for height. No concerns have ever ever been raised about their weight (we lived in the US for a bit so they had v regular paediatric check ups. They are very active healthy kids with good appetites. DH’s family is all tall and skinny whereas mine is short and petite. Our kids were never going to be uber heavy (also we are Asian!). So what is 9th centile for most Caucasians is closer to the 50th centile among Asian babies.

Approximately 3 in 100 pregnancies result in fetal growth restriction. The reason why your 2 year old was small for gestational age (SGA) and was born below the 10th centile was either either due to placental, non placental or maternal factors.

Small-for-gestational age (SGA) refers to an infant born with a birth weight less than the 10th centile. Small fetuses are divided into normal (constitutionally) small, non–placenta-mediated growth restriction (for example: structural or chromosomal anomaly, inborn errors of metabolism and fetal infection) and placenta mediated growth restriction.

Maternal factors can affect placental transfer of nutrients, for example low prepregnancy weight, undernutrition, substance abuse or severe anaemia. Medical conditions can affect placental implantation and vasculature and hence transfer, for example pre-eclampsia, autoimmune disease, thrombophilias, renal disease, diabetes and essential hypertension.

Also some babies are simply just born small due to genetics and there parents are small for example.

Babies that are born prematurely might have been born early for a number of reasons and not necessarily been technically SFGA so may eventually move across centiles.

As your 2 year old is following the growth chart try not to worry. Re this pregnancy the advice the healthcare professionals have given you is correct, look after yourself and eat a well balanced diet. Your 2 year old being born SGA isn’t your fault there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it, smoking taking drugs ect do increase the risk of baby being SGA as oxygen and nutrients to baby are restricted but I don’t think you did anything of these things.

Re breastfeeding ignore the negative comments, as long as baby is thriving and not losing weight you’ve nothing to worry about. There’s a lot of stigma around breastfeeding and unfortunately your dad and step mother sound uneducated.

My IUGR baby jumped percentiles OP, in fact it’s pretty normal - if they’re growth restricted in utero they often start to reach their normal percentile once out and receiving proper nutrition. If yours stayed on the same curve perhaps it’s partly due to the fact he’s just small - some kids have to be at the bottom of the chart, that’s why there’s a range!

If they do really think your last baby had IUGR I’d be concerned that you haven’t yet seen a consultant with your second - i’m now 30 weeks with my second and have been closely monitored since 16 weeks.

ok from an objective stand point-your 2 year old is tracking against his percentile, all medical teams are happy with that. Brilliant. Yet you are not seeing it this way. Have you ever spoken to a professional about your feelings that your baby stopped growing? I think your concerns that you in some way caused it is not helping you see the situation clearly.

In the nicest possible way, if you are still speaking on 2 year old not growing when you carried him your dad might just be saying to drop it and focus on the nutrition you are giving your son now.

In the kindest way, your anxiety is clouding your thinking. You asked your dad a question and he gave you an answer to the best of his knowledge. Essentially a child’s growth is related to sleep, breastfeeding and eating. Your child is growing as he/she should be , but is just small. Nothing wrong with that. I may have miss read but sounds like he was saying you can only do your best with these things which you obviously have. Don’t worry about things that are not in your control. We all just want the best for our children and sometimes it’s only looking back we realise how much we can fixate on things.

Italiandreams-spot on

I'm taking it that when you say the baby's "development" you mean size/weight as opposed to lungs or whatever, is that correct? If so then that's not terribly unusual. One of my sils was told at this stage in each of her 4 pregnancies that they baby wasn't growing/gaining weight as much as they'd like and yes, she had small babies but they're all fine.

I think you do have a lot of anxiety around this that you probably need to talk through with someone. I also think your dad and SM are not the people to talk to. You were looking to your dad for some reassurance about your pregnancy and instead he took the opportunity to imply that you're not parenting your two year old correctly when that's clearly not true!

Look Op your little boy is doing fine and most likely this baby will too, even if it's in the lower centile. Your anxiety means you're seeking reassurance which is understandable but you need to look for that from other mums, midwife, health visitors etc. It seems to me that confiding your worries in you dad or SM will just leave you wide open to unwarranted criticism which makes you even more anxious so maybe take a little step back from them for the moment.

Italiandreams is right. You need to relax OP. Stress isn’t good for the baby either.