To be unsettled by this - new friendships

[Limoncellosunshine]

I might be being totally unreasonable in which case some advise on how to get on with it would be good if I am being.

So DD born last year did NCT, had high hopes but it was a mix of odd people, people not on my wave length and some bitches!! The whole group messaging and Facebook thing left me exhausted and anxious and frankly took the shine off what should have been a wonderous time. This is apart from one lady who was blinking great, similar tastes and outlooks, and we naturally gravitated towards each other and saw each other frequently - all lovely. Now whilst we have lots of shared interests she is one of these people who having a baby has changed significantly (I mean I know it changes everyone but there are degrees) and outside of her DC she isn’t up for doing much none baby socialising - wine, shopping, cinema etc. In fact she has stopped drinking since having DC. And is also very very frugal ( this can be quite annoying at times as doesn’t have to be DP is not sense it’s her upbringing) That’s all fine though as she has other lovely qualities. However I still really like and need to do all those things a baby hasn’t changed me as much I would say!

Anyway early this year I met another group of Mums through a baby signing class in the village!! Absolutely lovely, we all get on like a house on fab and I feel like it’s turning into such a nice group. We’re all at a similar place in life have v similar tastes/interests and outlooks and enjoy or want to enjoy a friendship that doesn’t revolve around our babies and have had several nights out already with lots of great banter. This has been like a breath of fresh air to me. Most of my older close friends are dispersed across the country and now have their own circles where they are and although I moved back to my home city a few years ago and have made friends via certain connections they’ve not been easy friendships and there’s been a bit of what I call teenage bs, being invited sometimes and not others, jealousy etc. You get on don’t you but I have found the lack of a good circle hard. Anyway this group has been such a tonic and always come away from meet ups feeling fab!!! And it feels like such a lovely dynamic. Whereas I really like this other friend sometimes all we talk about is her baby’s routine and I come away yearning for a bit more adult chat and feeling flat.

Sorry that was a long scene set. FF to now, had my DD’s Naming Day party, invited friend from initial NCT group and the baby signing group. Somehow my NCT friend has given the impression that she’s a bit of a Billy no mates. Not the case she’s lived and worked here all her life and has lots of friends and networks and even though we saw each other regularly she was often off with other groups or friends that were also on mat leave or worked PT - no invite extended to me. Which I never expected it to be. My friends from the new group have now suggested I invite her to things - a BBQ one is hosting and a play day lunch. I didn’t think she’d accept but she has and it’s really unsettled me. I might be being a d*ck but I’m worried that it will change the dynamic and that I’ll be pushed off to the peripheral with her and will have to almost baby sit. Whilst she is lovely she is not as upbeat and outgoing as those in this group and doesn’t have a yearning to have a life outside of her baby, her partner never attends events - bit of a lads lad and things like the BBQ I want to be able to take my DH and go to as a family (partners have been invited to the BBQ too). I’m worried that will change and spoil things before it properly got started when I might finally have found a friendship group that makes you feel like they should. I also don’t want them to feel sorry for her, I.e struggling Mum with not many friends - this isn’t the case at all. She even sees a couple of the others from the NCT group as well occasionally whereas I don’t see any of them. Am I being a cow? What do I do??

It's not your responsibility to invite anyone to other people's events.

Damn right!
If ever my friend A has the fucking cheek to mention that she's having a bbq & that my friend B might want to attend, I make damn sure I don't collude by ... casually mentioning it. Oh no. It's far less batshit to take umbrage, & tell friend A to do her own dirty work.

And then spend a few days second-guessing whether friend B OUGHT to attend, & what topics of conversation she might choose, & whether her husband comes too, & if she will sit on a corner on her own, or if she will engage with my other friends ... and maybe steal them from me ...

The Very Idea that a few mates getting together in a garden should be a no-brainer breeze - honestly! Far more sensible to view it as a razor-wired obstacle course of Kafkaesque complexity.

You sound awful

You can’t control who is and isn’t friends OP.

Calm down @messolini9 😂

OP wrote this in her first post. Somehow my NCT friend has given the impression that she’s a bit of a Billy no mates. Not the case she’s lived and worked here all her life and has lots of friends and networks and even though we saw each other regularly she was often off with other groups or friends...

Also, you might be fine with this Annoyed? ANNOYED?! - because a nice chum has been invited to a bbq by some other nice chums? but clearly OP feels the friend is trying to muscle in, which is unusual because she has so many other friends and hasn’t invited OP to those other gatherings.

Like I said before, that’s not an excuse to be mean or exclude the friend but I can understand her annoyance.

I think you're getting a hard time here Op & I can see where you're coming from. She has other friends, so why does she need your friendship group too? Especially when it's a totally different type of group and one that's very important to you and your own mental well-being. In addition, she's inserted herself under false pretences as she doesn't need their invitations as she has plenty of friends.

I actually wouldn't pass on any future invitations and if your friends suggest inviting her in the future, I'd be honest and tell them that you'd prefer not to - she has a wide group of friends that she goes out with and doesn't invite you along to any of those get-togethers. In addition, you prefer not to mix groups of friends as you love going out with this group and don't want to upset the dynamic or feel responsible for having to 'look after' her when you're out together.

You won't have to babysit her unless you want to. Go and have a nice time, take your partner with you if you want. Maybe this is the catalyst she needs to have a life outside of her baby.you seem to look down on her for not doing much adult socialising but maybe she doesn't know many people she would be comfortable doing that with?Perhaps she has found that in some of your new friends? If your new friends like her and vice versa then they will keep inviting her and she will likely accept. If not , they won't. Really not that big of a deal.

but clearly OP feels the friend is trying to muscle in,

Also clearly, most folk feel that the OP is over-thinking, that the bbq is neither her circus nor her monkeys, that all of the projection OP is engaging in concerning other people's motivations is overblown & mistaken ... & that accepting an invitation is hardly "muscling in".

I don't understand the annoyance at all. I thought it was only primary-aged children that spent much time worrying about who is friends with who, or that friendships are finite & cannot stretch to involve other friends.

I honestly think you are thinking too much into it all. If I was your boring friend I would also accept the invite and be trying to make as many new Mum friends as I can (as a new mum myself). Just continue to be you and don't try to adapt yourself to look after her at the bbq and then if she doesn't like it that you all talk about things other than your children then it's up to her to make an excuse and not come to the next event she might be invited to. If these are a true group of friends then nothing will change that.

Then I think this might be a symptom and you're overly focussing in this rather than the real issue that you might be struggling with your identity and place in the world.

Sounds like you had a big, consuming job and now struggling a bit with the adjustment.

She has other friends, so why does she need your friendship group too?
NEWSFLASH: People can have several sets of friends. OP does not own the friendship group, or get to be in charge of who is, or is to be, part of it.

Especially when it's a totally different type of group and one that's very important to you and your own mental well-being.
It's likely important to all the members, & similarly helpful to their own wll-being. Including members who are newly invited.

In addition, she's inserted herself under false pretences as she doesn't need their invitations as she has plenty of friends.

• What false pretences? You mean the ones in the OP's imagination? & you feel that it's OP's job to set & monitor the Friendship Quota for another person?

I actually wouldn't pass on any future invitations and if your friends suggest inviting her in the future, I'd be honest and tell them that you'd prefer not to
That'll go down well, & OP won't be perceived at batshit, needy or manipulative ...

In addition, you prefer not to mix groups of friends as you love going out with this group and don't want to upset the dynamic
"I must dictate who is allowed to socialise with who within my own purview" - nope, I really don't thing that's what the OP wants to be saying.

or feel responsible for having to 'look after' her when you're out together.
Why would she? She's not responsible for any other aspect of the friend's life. Why would she need to take ownership of this one?

OP, you sound like a wannabe mean girl who’s desperate to not have your geek friend make you look bad in front of the cool kids.
Let your friend make her own friendships and don’t get involved in them (even if they are with your other friends).

she spends a lot of time telling how she’s been invited to things but they aren’t going as she just can’t leave DC, doesn’t want to feel like a party proper for not drinking etc.

So what's the problem? She'll come to the BBQ but won't be encroaching on your wine fuelled nights out will she?

All this exhausting drama over a BBQ

You seem worried that you will be found less fun when the NCT friend joins the group, as if somehow you will be less well liked?

You know these friends really well. NCT friend is a separate person, not an extension of you. I suspect she will come along, chat a bit and possibly bore your new friends a little and then phase out of the group. Some people really do become obsessed with motherhood to the exclusion of all else. Yes, it’s tedious. So move her into the friend you have a ten minute chat with rather than whole afternoons of intense routine analysis.

It will be fine.

You do sound like a bit of a cow tbh. I made lots of lovely mum friends by going to groups, but that’s been quite incidental and not the main prerogative - baby gym, swimming, library activities etc, it’s just something nice to do with my DC and to get us out the house. You sound obsessed with forming some kind of special ‘cool girl’ mummy clique and it’s a bit sad really. Like a PP said it sounds like a school girl scenario where you’re worried that your ‘geeky’ friend is cramping your style - grow up and get over yourself.

I'm also curious as to why you're so sure they've only invited her because they feel sorry for her? Have they actually said those words? Or is it that just you angle of it and what you think is happening. They sound like they've just invited her, nice, no big deal . You're making it massive. It's just friendship. All this is just a bit unkind and intense and extreme on your part from what i can see, sorry.