To be unsettled by this - new friendships

[Limoncellosunshine]

I might be being totally unreasonable in which case some advise on how to get on with it would be good if I am being.

So DD born last year did NCT, had high hopes but it was a mix of odd people, people not on my wave length and some bitches!! The whole group messaging and Facebook thing left me exhausted and anxious and frankly took the shine off what should have been a wonderous time. This is apart from one lady who was blinking great, similar tastes and outlooks, and we naturally gravitated towards each other and saw each other frequently - all lovely. Now whilst we have lots of shared interests she is one of these people who having a baby has changed significantly (I mean I know it changes everyone but there are degrees) and outside of her DC she isn’t up for doing much none baby socialising - wine, shopping, cinema etc. In fact she has stopped drinking since having DC. And is also very very frugal ( this can be quite annoying at times as doesn’t have to be DP is not sense it’s her upbringing) That’s all fine though as she has other lovely qualities. However I still really like and need to do all those things a baby hasn’t changed me as much I would say!

Anyway early this year I met another group of Mums through a baby signing class in the village!! Absolutely lovely, we all get on like a house on fab and I feel like it’s turning into such a nice group. We’re all at a similar place in life have v similar tastes/interests and outlooks and enjoy or want to enjoy a friendship that doesn’t revolve around our babies and have had several nights out already with lots of great banter. This has been like a breath of fresh air to me. Most of my older close friends are dispersed across the country and now have their own circles where they are and although I moved back to my home city a few years ago and have made friends via certain connections they’ve not been easy friendships and there’s been a bit of what I call teenage bs, being invited sometimes and not others, jealousy etc. You get on don’t you but I have found the lack of a good circle hard. Anyway this group has been such a tonic and always come away from meet ups feeling fab!!! And it feels like such a lovely dynamic. Whereas I really like this other friend sometimes all we talk about is her baby’s routine and I come away yearning for a bit more adult chat and feeling flat.

Sorry that was a long scene set. FF to now, had my DD’s Naming Day party, invited friend from initial NCT group and the baby signing group. Somehow my NCT friend has given the impression that she’s a bit of a Billy no mates. Not the case she’s lived and worked here all her life and has lots of friends and networks and even though we saw each other regularly she was often off with other groups or friends that were also on mat leave or worked PT - no invite extended to me. Which I never expected it to be. My friends from the new group have now suggested I invite her to things - a BBQ one is hosting and a play day lunch. I didn’t think she’d accept but she has and it’s really unsettled me. I might be being a d*ck but I’m worried that it will change the dynamic and that I’ll be pushed off to the peripheral with her and will have to almost baby sit. Whilst she is lovely she is not as upbeat and outgoing as those in this group and doesn’t have a yearning to have a life outside of her baby, her partner never attends events - bit of a lads lad and things like the BBQ I want to be able to take my DH and go to as a family (partners have been invited to the BBQ too). I’m worried that will change and spoil things before it properly got started when I might finally have found a friendship group that makes you feel like they should. I also don’t want them to feel sorry for her, I.e struggling Mum with not many friends - this isn’t the case at all. She even sees a couple of the others from the NCT group as well occasionally whereas I don’t see any of them. Am I being a cow? What do I do??

@Boysey45 yes I suppose I am a little peeved about that as well. She would tell me oh I’m going this activity centre, x park, that museum next week with so and so, but never extended an invite to me. So yeah I am a bit peeved and think it’s a bit odd

What are you going to do when your excellent dynamics change when babies 2 and 3 arrives for your group? When they start working again? People change all the time both boring times and exciting you are putting far too much thought into this and your coming accross badly from it.

I think you're being mean. Your other friends are obviously nice and want to reach out to include her. Trying to prevent them from all becoming friends just because you like the way the current set up suits you would be really selfish and unkind.

And just to add a lot of my friends started getting pregnant again around 1 to 2 years later so your fun drinking party gang may disappear into to baby and feeding talk again.

All sounds a bit shit but I would just do as you normally do in a group-you can chat to her for a bit then carry on with chatting to whoever else you want about whatever you want. You might find in a larger group scenario she won’t be able to focus the chat on her DC and routines?

All this chat about how some people don't like mixing friends is fine - you don't have to. But that isn't happening here. OP's group of friend group have taken it upon themselves to invite the other friend. OP isn't entitled to try and control or prevent that just because she personally likes them separate. She doesn't own these different groups just because she knows them both. They are entitled to make plans that include each other whether or not OP likes it.

Exactly @AcrobaticCardigan all feels very suffocating which is why O was up fretting about it on a Saturday morning!

Agree with Acrobatic’s assessment, and I don’t think you’re a bitch at all OP, you’re just feeling pissed off about friendship stuff and having a vent.

I suspect over time, the friend will just not gel with these new people and she’ll probably move on and not want to do the stuff the rest of you are interested in (nights out etc). No need to be horrible to anyone but just let it run its course.

You could keep the friend too if you like, invite her for coffee and the movies etc, no need to completely cut her off either.

@Vasya yes but it’s been done out of a sense of feeling sorry and like she doesn’t have another circle. Which isn’t the case at all, so it’s all very awkward. I mean do I go along with the charade of yeah poor friend, I can’t say anything can I but isn’t right to go along with something incorrect. This is why it’s so anxiety inducing. They didn’t even get her name just the the x coloured hair DC’s Mum!

I want to keep her as a friend @PuppyMonkey but getting it out has made me see that it’s become a bit one sided. The 5/6 times we’ve met she’s talked about her baby, her niggles, her routine and her own plans for potty training etc. This is not the greatest chat anyway but might have been a little better if I could have talked about my baby but it is very one sided I don’t think I’m being mean for finding it boring. It’s not that I want to dump I just need chat outside that or the opportunity to at least talk about my own baby!

The group wants to invite her.
She wants to go.
That's kind of the end of the story. If she enjoys herself then she might come again. If she doesn't she won't
You sound a but stuck in high school... stop over thinking it. Just be yourself and don't worry about needing to (patronisingly) babysit her. She's an adult and would probably be horrified to hear you think that.
You need to relax. Have you never had friends before?

. I mean do I go along with the charade of yeah poor friend, I can’t say anything can I
Err yes. You say- she has lots of friends. We just don't share many in common.
Why do you look down on her? She doesn't want your pity. I'm guessing she assumes you're actually friends.

yes but it’s been done out of a sense of feeling sorry and like she doesn’t have another circle. Which isn’t the case at all, so it’s all very awkward. I mean do I go along with the charade of yeah poor friend, I can’t say anything can I but isn’t right to go along with something incorrect.

God this is hard work. What makes you think they have this impression? What charade??

Limincellosunshine - it sounds as though you are the one worried about being a billy no mates. Ironically, in your desperation to avoid that, you are contemplating behaving like the sort of bitch who has been giving you a hard time in the last few years. If you were less insecure yourself, you really would not have a problem inviting your friend to these events. She is not your responsibility to babysit, she's just another person who might enjoy being part of the group. It is not for you to police this or try to control it, or you are just behaving like all the people who have done this to you and pushed you out of groups in the last few years (who probably also did this because they thought you ruined their vibe!).

Christ, this is over-thought.

I think AcrobaticCardigan has got it right. She is making out that she doesn’t have other friends so as to make new friends here. It’s unusual as she doesn’t have other friendship group which she makes frequent plans with so why try so hard here? I think there is an element of competitiveness that she doesn’t want to miss out in potential friends or for you to establish new friendships?

Either way I don’t think you are wrong to be annoyed but it would be a wrong for you to prevent her from joining in when others are giving then invitations. Just let her carry on, attend what she wants and see how it goes, possibly, if she has other friendship groups she won’t have much time for a new one?

I personally also like to keep friendship groups separate because i think there are different dynamics/topics to talk about with people and mixing them all up doesn’t always work for everyone involved.

should say she does* have other friendship groups to make plans with

@Limoncellosunshine

It's understandable to feel a bit unsettled when friendships/friendship circles collide, but you do really sound very unpleasant indeed. Calling this woman boring, and claiming YOU are not the boring one! PMSL!

So WHAT if she comes to this group??? You cited the reason for not wanting to spend much time with her, as her talking about babies so much! But there will be lots more people about. Not just you and her! So you won't JUST be talking about babies!

And God FORBID someone wants to talk about their children eh?! Sounds to me like you don't want to talk about yours at ALL, and want to find activities and pursuits that don't involve them. I find this very odd. Do you not like being with your children?

You say this woman is TIGHT. Maybe she just doesn't have as much money as you. Have you thought about that???

Fully expecting this thread to go 'poof!' later today, with the reason being 'the OP has some privacy concerns,' because the OP is not getting the responses she expected and wanted!

@Holidaysmoliday

Yes we all recognise you as a ‘queen bee’- controlling and fluffing up the group to your own agenda- desperate to show it is more fun and out there than anyone else’s boring old group.

You don’t want anyone in it who doesn’t match that vibe and will freeze them out and make it clear they aren’t welcome.

We see you!

Ugh. School behaviour and something most of us are thrilled we left behind when we matured. You really do sound awful OP.

Agree with this.

We all know someone like this, and we all do our best to avoid them at all costs!

You don't need to sit with her at the BBQ - walk around, chat to your other friends and let her find her own way to mingle. If she ends up sitting in the corner on her own then so be it. That's on her, not your responsibility.

If your newer friends suggest YOU invite her to things, pass them her number and let them invite her themselves. It's not your responsibility to invite anyone to other people's events.

Can't you just carry on as if she wasn't invited? I don't see why you would need to adapt your behaviour because there's another person at these events? She's been invited by others so surely others will talk to her. Why would you have to babysit or think about not bringing your husband? Can't you just be yourself and carry on!?

Just don't pass on their invitations in the future and tell them that she couldn't come. They'll soon stop inviting her.

Good grief, do grown adults really need to behave in this conniving, manipulative way?

OP - it's not unusual to be anxious about creating friendships when you've had a baby... there's so much pressure to have that 'mum network', 'known each other since babies were born'-type relationships.

Thing is, they happen naturally, so take your foot off the accelerator and stop over-analysing. Forcing and engineering them will drive people away from you.

Be yourself. Enjoy chatting. Enjoy asking other people about their interests, babies, fitness, wine consumption, whatever 'group' they nominally belong to. Be happy-go-lucky.Don't get hung up on what your friend is doing or what they individuals in the new group are doing.

Its far easier and you'll find you'll bond naturally with people. Other people's friendships are NOT your responsibility, but being friendly is x

I mean do I go along with the charade of yeah poor friend

Again, OP, I suspect "the charade" is a figment of your imagination.

You are not psychic, you do not know your friends' motivations for the invitation, but the most normal one is "Oh, she seems nice, I wonder if she'd like to come" - & that's it.

You are coming across as obsessively labelling different friends, dynamics, group, individuals as this or that. I can see that this is stemming from insecurity, but it's very controlling. It also diminishes people to basic characteristics, & that is insulting & demeaning. It shows that you are only considering these people in terms of exactly what they represent to you. E.g. baby-friend is someone who you felt v connected to & secure with, but are now a little bored of. New group are people who make you feel more like your old self - etc.

You need to step outside of this very narrow view.
These are individuals with their own complex relationships & characteristics. Baby-friend was quite close with you, but is also a friend to other people & groups. As are all the other women in the new friendship group. They are individuals - not puppets that you can manage, so that they stay constant in their interactions with you.
Once you start seeing YOURSELF as a complex individual as well, you will be better able to manage multiple friendships. It's not up to you to decide who interacts with who, who likes who, or who pops in & out of various groups.
Instead - you get to to that for YOURSELF. The only person whose happy relationships you needs to manage is your own. What anybody thinks of anyone else is none of your business.
It really is that simple.
Stop worrying about things you can't control & really do not need to be any of your concern.
Just go the the bbq & enjoy the people whose company you enjoy. That's what everyone else will be doing.

She [old baby friend] is making out that she doesn’t have other friends so as to make new friends here

Where did you get this piece of startling new information, @OnePotato2Potato? Considering that the OP has stated a few times that old baby friend in fact has many other mates?

I don’t think you are wrong to be annoyed
Annoyed? ANNOYED?! - because a nice chum has been invited to a bbq by some other nice chums?
FFS.

Why are you so worried about it?

You can't control who they invite to their events, and if she's as dull as you make out they won't invite her again. But maybe she'll come out of her baby bubble a bit and join in the fun.

It's unusual IME for a group of new mums to meet up for nights out drinking, baby-free meals etc. Perhaps some of the group would welcome a change!