To be hoping for a proposal?

[QueenoftheBayou]

Today is exactly 4 years since I met my partner. He's a slow mover but I know he wants marriage and kids one day, no rush though. He said he's planned a day out for us but won't give me ANY details, a nightmare for a control freak like me who loves to organise everything! (Seriously WTF do you wear for a day out WITH NO DETAILS?!) Anyway I can't help but hope for a proposal, I'm telling myself not to expect it but I think I'll be secretly a little disappointed if it doesn't happen. Help me lower my expectations so I can enjoy my day!

Why are you being so passive about something you say is important to you? It’s 2019. Ask him.

Tried that, he said he wants to do it. I'm not into the traditional thing but if this is important to him then fair enough.

Ooo exciting! It’s hard because with that being said I would hope so too but it is best not to expect it otherwise you could be in for a big disappointment. Happy anniversary

Oh that's exciting! No idea for clothes, but get your nails done just in case! Fingers crossed for you!

You should definitely lower the expectations, because if it is not a proposal, you’ll feel let down. I’d want to know exactly what to wear though, so I’d be asking him for details.

Any news OP???

I don't know whether it's going to be a proposal or not, but if it isn't, you need to sit down and talk to him about your future plans together. Like the grown ups that you are. It's all very well him saying he wants to do it and be traditional, but he clearly isn't that traditional if he's happy to have a lengthy relationship with a woman without being married to her.

Wear something that you feel good wearing, and know that you look good in it.
Hope you get your wishes .

“Expectations are premeditated resentments”

Just prepare for a nice day out and stop thinking about it, he might but he also might not and you have to be ok with that!!

I'm also not a fan of surprises but sometimes you have to let go a little bit. I ended up being proposed to in shorts and a vest with flip-flops on, not a scrap of make-up, hair up to keep it off my face on a windswept bit of coast. It was perfect. No one else around, not an 'insta' proposal. DH and I had already discussed marriage and he knew I wouldn't have children workout being married, but as I'm the planner/organiser (control freak), said that he wanted to do that bit. Mine was a slow goer too and we'd been together five and a half years before he proposed, but then within two years we bought our first house together, were married and had a baby!
Don't be disappointed if it's not a proposal but have a conversation and agree a timeframe you're both happy with. Have a lovely day whatever you do

Thanks everyone! He had arranged a tour of a cider factory which sounds interesting but my face might've showed a lack of enthusiasm so off to some botanical gardens which I LOVE. Jeans, vest top, kimono, converse - I'm feeling cute and comfy which is the best kind of outfit. Definitely trying to have no expectations but one can dream! I just hate surprises!

@wildflowersandweeds I have insomnia so made good use of my time by doing a manicure at 2am!

Tried that, he said he wants to do it.

If you have already agreed you are going to get married, why does your partner need the proposal to be some kind of special event? This doesn't sound very mature of him.

I think you should try to instigate an adult discussion about your future, rather than waiting passively and indefinitely for him to devise a novel way to present you with an engagement ring.

Oooh exciting OP!! Will look forward to your update!

FWIW I totally ruined my own proposal but too outing to tell the story! Anyway we've been married 5 years so he still wanted to marry me

My friend did exactly this after 8 years, she ended up sobbing at home.. try not to build up your hopes too much- but fingers crossed for you!

This is pretty undignified stuff, OP. You’ve agreed you are going to get married, therefore you’re already engaged. Have a grown up conversation about when, rather than all this girlish passivity. Marriage is not a favour men confer on women whose only permitted activity is pre-emptive manicures as they wait for a ring.

Didn't realise that wanting a romantic moment was undignified, good thing it didn't happen then.

Oh for God's sake. Undignified! I had an ex boyfriend who used to say that he didnt need to bother with romance and making me feel special because we are 'grown ups'. Ok bye then!

Real life for grown ups can be tough and tiring so that's why these little moments that make you feel special matter so much. I love that my DP planned the perfect proposal for me, bought me a ring. I love surprises and it's totally fine for you to look forward to yours OP. Just think of it like this - it wouldn't have been a surprise today as you were expecting it.

There’s really nothing ‘romantic’ about hanging round desperately hoping someone is going to propose to you every time it’s an anniversary/birthday/holiday to the point where you ask a bunch of strangers on the internet to help you lower your expectations before a tour of a cider factory.

At no point does the OP suggest shes desperate. Impatient maybe!

And 'to the point where you ask a bunch of strangers on the internet' - really? Is this some kind of extreme action? I've seen people post about what they should have for dinner.

Stop being horrible to the OP for no reason other than to make yourself feel better.

Sorry it didn’t happen OP. The anniversary of your first date would’ve seemed ideal. Hope you had fun nonetheless.

But seriously, I think you should have a proper conversation about this, if marriage is important to you.

OP, how old are you? And how many more years are you prepared to hang around, with gradually decreasing hopes of a proposal?
He knows you want this. If he hasn’t bothered in four years, do you really think he has any intention of ever making good on his vague promises that he strings you along with?

Propose to him.
You need Clear answer
If he umms and ahhs move on.
It s clearly important to you
So it s dealbreaker or it isnt.
You can't live the next one two or five years with so much anxiety and disappointment

Have a grown up conversation about when, rather than all this girlish passivity. Marriage is not a favour men confer on women whose only permitted activity is pre-emptive manicures as they wait for a ring

This! You need to chill out!

I do think as adults if you both want to get married, you should just choose a day to go engagement ring shopping.

That way you both know exactly where you stand, you won't keep wondering and getting disappointed and the whole day can still be romantic.

Ring shopping, dinner and maybe a stay overnight in a hotel.