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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What happens to my kids if I died?

41 replies

IABUQueen · 17/08/2019 01:53

I know I’m being dramatic but I’m a bit of a realist. Today I had a thought because we were discussing wills and I wondered whether I can choose on my will who looks after my kids or have any influence on that??

I don’t have support from my family with my kids and I feel they have too much problems to offer anything meaningful. I can’t say they’re reliable in any way. I don’t trust my in laws at all and would rather keep my kids away from them as they can be bullies.

I’ve had a horrid experience with a step mum. I really don’t wish that for my kids. And even though I love my husband I think my kids well-being is mostly due to my maternal instincts and he won’t put as much effort as I do.

I’m currently pregnant, and have a toddler. So they’re young. I’m also young but I don’t like uncertainty.

How can I secure my kids in case of my death? Sometimes I feel I should improve my wealth so that they don’t need anyone if something happens to me.

What can I do to make sure their life is good with or even without me ?

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2019 02:06

If you die your DC will automatically stay with their dad. You can't leave them to someone else. Seems a very bizarre idea.

You say And even though I love my husband I think my kids well-being is mostly due to my maternal instincts and he won’t put as much effort as I do.

Doesn't make any difference. If you think so badly of your DH you should perhaps not have had DC with him.

My DH died when our DC were small. He never had a moment's anxiety about my card for our DC.

You're worrying about something you have pretty much no control over. But that's what happens when you die.

Pipandmum · 17/08/2019 02:07

Your husband will continue to look after the kids. In your will you can appoint a guardian (having discussed it with them first of course), but that would only be if the father was dead too. You can also write a letter attached to your Will outlining things like contact with relatives, education etc, but you can’t dictate.
I wonder why you think someone, who you suggest would not be a relative, would be better and more loving than their actual father.

steff13 · 17/08/2019 02:13

Sometimes I feel I should improve my wealth so that they don’t need anyone if something happens to me.

They're a baby and a toddler. No amount of money will make them self-sufficient. You should have life insurance though, if you don't already.

You can nominate a guardian in your will, but they would most certainly go to your husband first, unless he's not their father. I don't understand having kids with someone you don't trust to look after them.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2019 02:16

Once during his final months I said to my DH that I felt it was so hard he wouldn't see the kids grow up. He replied that he wasn't worried about himself - he wouldn't be here - but about me having to carry on on my own.

You don't say anything about how your death would affect your DH. Why's that?

LemonPrism · 17/08/2019 02:16

You wouldn't want your husband to keep his own kids? Pretty sure they would automatically go to him unless there was a very strict court order or something. I think you've got pregnancy brain

lyralalala · 17/08/2019 02:19

You can’t leave your kids to someone.

You can express an opinion in your will and you can leave a guardian to be in charge of money or possessions you leave them until they are older.

However, in your case unless there was significant risk to them that you’ve not mentioned they’d be with their father obviously.

Even if you both die you can’t actually 100% choose a guardian. You can express your preference, but if other relatives objected then a court would decide.

Mintjulia · 17/08/2019 02:34

Op, I understand the way you are thinking. Sometimes people change or over time you get to know their weaknesses better. I know my ex loves our ds but after knowing him for 15 years, I also think he would struggle to provide a consistent & supportive home environment for him.
Apart from the previous suggestions, you can do your best to stay healthy. Exercise, avoid alcohol, stay a sensible weight, go for any health check-ups the nhs offers.

It’s a bit boring, but it helps with energy levels too.

JacquettaW · 17/08/2019 03:11

YABU. You have a husband, a father that loves them.

My son's father is a stranger to him who's had no involvement since my DS was 4 months old (he's 11 now). I really need to sort something out to request that care goes to my mum and dad if anything were to happen to me.

His father is a waste of space so there will be no competition for guardianship

ReanimatedSGB · 17/08/2019 03:18

You have no control about what happens after you are dead.You can make your wishes known but if they are unusual, or could be percieved as unreasonable, they can be overriden.
If your H is the DC's father then he will be expected to care for them if you die before him (unless/until he either refuses to do so or proves himself unfit.)
It's not a bad idea to have it known within the extended family who would take the kids if both you and your H died while they are still too young to live independently.
(I have actually discussed this with DS and his dad, from time to time - if I die then he will live with his father, if both his father and I die then there are aunts and uncles...)

Original poster
IABUQueen · 18/08/2019 21:28

I forgot I started this thread! Sorry everyone.

Will read and reply

OP posts:
Original poster
IABUQueen · 18/08/2019 21:34

For clarity I didn’t mean I want the kids to be away from their father but I don’t think he can do it alone. I was just hoping to put some thought into who could be fulfilling my role in their lives.

As I had a bad experience with a step mum and I would t want to rely on that.

Maybe I’m just being too pregnant

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 18/08/2019 21:38

Could you look into life insurance to help you feel more confident that they’d at least be secure financially? If you work it might even be worth looking to see if your company offer it as a benefit, often dependants can get a lump sum of X many times your salary.

Polyjuice · 18/08/2019 21:45

I’m afraid if your DH is not here that’s for him to decide. But with a difficult family situation you do need to think about what would happen if you both died and make a written record of your wishes.

Polyjuice · 18/08/2019 21:47

Sorry I meant if you aren’t here the person fulfilling your role (if any) is for him to decide.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 18/08/2019 21:47

I forgot I started this thread! Sorry everyone.

Within one day? Might help to increase your life expectancy by laying off the gin Grin

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/08/2019 21:52

You can try to surround yourself with close and supportive female friends who would step in if the worst happened. I have one friend in particular who would be more involved (I think) if I/DH died.

Ellisandra · 18/08/2019 22:01

If you didn’t think your husband was trustworthy enough to deal with this, should you have had children with him in the first place? Confused

The way to deal with this, is by talking to him. Do you have anyone who could provide a positive role in their lives? A friend perhaps? If so, consider making them a godparent (if you’re a Christian) or consider a humanist ceremony if you’re not. But the ceremony (baptism or humanist) means nothing without you TALKING about your hopes. My sister and my ex husband know that I want her to have an active role in her life in the event of my death - because I’ve discussed it with them. I have written an expression of wishes with my will, which talks about my sister’s role as well as the money. I’ve nominated her as a legal guardian, but as my ex husband is alive it’s not a role I expect she’ll ever fulfil even if I died.

Money part is relatively easy - an insurance policy will sort that out. But you need to decide the beneficiary.

Ellisandra · 18/08/2019 22:07

Actually, probably the BEST thing you can do, is work on your husband’s relationship with his children now.

Frankly, it’s offensive to fathers to suggest your “maternal instinct” is what’s responsible for their welfare. My ex husband and husband would be pretty pissed off about that.

The stable door is well and truly open on picking a father that you trust, but you can at least make sure that he does put effort in now. Everyone should share care with their partner - but with your concerns, you especially should. It’s not acceptable to just not put effort in. Change that.

My husband was widowed. His children really benefited from the fact that he had a very hands on parenting relationship with them well before their mother’s illness. I am an sure that when she was ill, she never worried about the parenting choices he would make.

So start now - make him step up, give him the space to do so (which includes not kidding yourself that as a mother you are innately better at it than him) and insist that he DOES put effort into being their father.

velocitygirl7 · 18/08/2019 22:11

Why have you had dc with someone whom you wouldn't want to bring them up in your absence? I'm genuinely baffled!!

SciFiScream · 18/08/2019 22:12

Insurance! That will put your mind at rest. We have insurance that will pay off the mortgage and another product that will leave the surviving parent (or the children if we die at the same time) a monthly income of £2,000 until the youngest is 18. So that plus the mortgage being paid is a great reassurance to me.
My DH will be absolutely fine as a parent and financially without me - emotionally it's another thing.
We have chosen guardians if anything should happen to us both.

My Mum died when I was 8. Family members offered to adopt me (and my sis) but I refused. I'd already lost my Mum. I didn't want to lose my Dad too.

Original poster
IABUQueen · 18/08/2019 22:15

Could be to do with the fact I’m currently SAHM and he works double shift, so yeh he isn’t 50/50. But he loves his kids. Just the parenting so far mostly down to me.

I don’t think it’s an issue to do with me trusting him.. I guess I will feel better when I’m back to work and we are back to 50/50 in a years time or so.

But I feel he is too trusting of his mother. I feel like my kids will end up spending majority of their time there.

I was just hoping that i would avoid the grandparents taking advantage.

Their grandparents are wealthy. My relationship with them is horrid. They are financially controlling and manipulative.

I think surrounding myself with friends that care for my kids is what I’ve been trying to do. But perhaps I need to discuss with my husband that I would like so and so to be involved in my kids lives if I die and set up a trust for them overseen by such people.

I trust my husband to be a doting father.. but unfortunately he is easily manipulated by his family. And so, I would need someone else too.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 18/08/2019 22:16

Yabu! At least you got people your kids can go to. My kids dad is absent and I have no family, mine would be straight in care. Be thankful yours won’t!

Original poster
IABUQueen · 18/08/2019 22:18

Pumpkin Flowers I’m sorry about your situation but don’t understand why that takes away from my situation and worries

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 18/08/2019 22:18

You should look into life insurance to help with finance should you pass away.

And you and your husband should proritise building the relationship between him and your children. You need to give him space to do so and he needs to put the effort in.

My grandfather was widowed with two very small children in the 1950s and he managed!

Ellisandra · 18/08/2019 22:18

What do you mean by “set up a trust”?
You cannot give any kind of parental responsibility or even input to anyone, via a trust. Only money.

So all you can do is talk to him, make sure he learns to parent, and if he needs help to grow up from being manipulated by his parents - start that now whilst you’re alive.

But you can’t leave parenting to anyone in a will. You can say what you like to anyone, but if you die your husband can say “no thanks, I don’t want you involved”. No trust can change that.

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