What happens to my kids if I died?

[IABUQueen]

I know I’m being dramatic but I’m a bit of a realist. Today I had a thought because we were discussing wills and I wondered whether I can choose on my will who looks after my kids or have any influence on that??

I don’t have support from my family with my kids and I feel they have too much problems to offer anything meaningful. I can’t say they’re reliable in any way. I don’t trust my in laws at all and would rather keep my kids away from them as they can be bullies.

I’ve had a horrid experience with a step mum. I really don’t wish that for my kids. And even though I love my husband I think my kids well-being is mostly due to my maternal instincts and he won’t put as much effort as I do.

I’m currently pregnant, and have a toddler. So they’re young. I’m also young but I don’t like uncertainty.

How can I secure my kids in case of my death? Sometimes I feel I should improve my wealth so that they don’t need anyone if something happens to me.

What can I do to make sure their life is good with or even without me ?

YANBU to worry about leaving your kids but YABU to not trust your husband and to think that them having wealth from you would mean they wouldn't need anyone.

I think you may have a bit of the 'pregnancy worries'. It seems to 'enlarge' small things in our minds.

First off, chances are extremely good that you're going to be there for your children and your grandchildren.

As far as your DH goes, you just have to have faith that he'll step up to the mark if he needs to. Right now he's working double and you're at home. It's only natural that things fall to you and that he allows you to 'lead the way', you are the one primarily responsible for steering the family ship day to day. Chances are if you were both working full time, things would be different.

As far as his parents, well, does he see them in the same way you do? Because if he doesn't, there's not much you can do about them if you're not around to keep an eye on things, right? And if he does see them the same way you do, then chances are he'll guard the children from too much interference.

I had a cousin who passed away when their children were toddlers. Her husband (also a 'dawn to dark' worker) stepped up the mark marvelously, although he did have help from both sides of the family. He later met and married a lovely lady who was a caring stepmom and who made sure that the children NEVER forgot their mother. Not all stepmoms are 'monsters'.

I just don’t like to base big decisions like that on trust.

My DH has a slight disability which makes it hard for him to read social cues. He has ended up being manipulated and conned so many times. He trusts too quickly and gets used way too often.

He has a good heart and is a good man, but I just want someone out there to be supporting him when it comes to the kids emotional welbeing and ensure their progress in life.

I trust him to want the best for them but I feel he is hugely dependant when it comes to making decision and so I would like my kids to have someone to turn to who I know my husband will also be able to trust.

I’m thinking of a family friend. Just thought I can give them some privileges using my independent finances so they have some weight.

*their opinion will hold some weight

I don’t have much wealth tbh I’m just hoping to work towards it. It’s the idea that their grandparents will be their only source of financial support that I don’t like. Simply because it comes with a great deal of abuse.

No my DH doesn’t see his parents same as I do. He was abused in the past by them both but “forgave them”.

I think I will basically look into life insurance and guardianship.

And will discuss with DH both things jusy because I like him to think ahead and know what I want for my kids. I would still want them to live a life non-compromised. And I would like them to be protected.

This is bizarre. Of course, your dc would stay with their father.

You said

I think my kids well-being is mostly due to my maternal instincts and he won’t put as much effort as I do

You cannot be replaced. If you died and your dc stayed with their father, then of course your presence would be missed regardless of his parenting.

Money would make their lives easier but would not provide them with a mother.

Just want them to have a reliable maternal figure who would be similar to me!

I have no sisters. My siblings are not interested. His sister is very interested but would do anything to make them hate me. So would his mother. My mother is not reliable.

Me and my husband is all the kids have. But I want them to have an independent person who represents my maternal side of things. Such as a friend of mine.. because the odds are against me.

Anyway I think I got my answers. Life insurance and guardianship.

My husband will obviously be their primary carer. But I would appoint a guardian in case we both die. And hopefully that guardian will be the person they can also turn to in case their grandparents were bloody mean to them.. and hopefully the guardian will be a bit involved in befriending them and making sure they’re doing well.

How exactly do you think you go about declaring a “guardian” and what “privileges” are you hoping to buy for them?

A previous poster is right that your worries are possibly exacerbated by pregnancy, so first I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down.

The very best thing you can do, is TALK to your husband.

You can go find a female friend and ask them to be a guardian (with zero legal basis) and make them a beneficiary of your life insurance. But how is that going to stop Evil MIL from saying “son, that woman is nothing to do with my grandchildren, bring them over to see me, not her”?

You can’t give parenting “privileges” to anyone. You can ask a friend to look out for your kids, and detail exactly what your concerns are with regards to his family. But you can’t get some legal role for them - and you can’t give them money and guarantee it will manipulate your kids into bothering with them.

Involve your husband with his children, and bring them up well. That’s the best you can do.

I wasn’t really thinking of parental responsibility being signed off legally. I just want to declare my wishes so perhaps my kids can see it and our families can note it. Can’t force them to act on it but just want to make my wishes clear In case. And the trust/financial privileges is to facilitate things.

And I’m not hoping to “manipulate my kids” into going to my friends..

Anyway I realise now that I posted this too quickly at a weird moment.

Just a word of warning, whatever you do now in regard to appointing a guardian etc should your husband met another woman, all that will go out the window.

As a bit of reassurance, i don't suppose my partner would have thought i could manage to bring up a child on my own (i was a bit of an idiot) but i did, she died when our kid was a baby and i grew into the role, so to speak.

That was many years ago, she now at uni and is a smashing young lady, she saved me, we are thick as thieves, so i expect your husband might too surprise you.

This is bloody weird.

So, you want to appoint a guardian who is "like you" so that she can tell your husband how to parent his own kids and who he can / cannot allow them to be spending time with, once you're gone?

You want to leave money to that person, rather than to - say - your husband or your kids, to "facilitate" her ability to do that? In other words, you will make sure that your husband and kids can only access financial support from your insurance, if this random friend of yours decides that he has earned it?

You need to do this because you don't trust your husband with raising his own kids. But you do trust this random friend to definitely use the money you leave them to help out your husband and kids? And to know what's right for the kids far better than their own father does?

Are you always this controlling?

If I were your husband, I'd be pretty damn pissed off right about now. Hope you don't expect him to pay for the insurance policy to pay out to the woman you appoint to the role of this random posthumous parenting police...

I think you are, as yoi said, bring a bit pregnant op.

If you don't think your husband is capable of looking after the kids then a. that was a decision to make before having kids with him. b. Make sure he can. Stupid example but DH hated getting the pushchair onto the bus in case he missed or something. I told him if I DOEDDS still had to go to his apppts so he'd have to do it. He did it. He has him alone, he does feeds and cares. He wouldn't raise him how we will, or how I would alone, but he'd keep him alive and do his best. That's the choice I took on whe. I had babies with him.

Guardianship doesn't work like that, you can't dictate who is in your kids life once you aren't here. He might remarry an amazing woman the kids love. He might never marry. He might have a succession of different women at the breakfast table every Sunday morning. You can't control that.
Nurture relationships with caring, supportive people for your own sake and trust them to be there for the kids if you die. But you can't control it and statistically it won't ever matter.

Good look with your pregnancy

This is a very strange thread. It sounds like you want someone to police your husband's parenting if you die.

To make sure there is no Step Mum involved because you had a bad experience with one. To make sure he doesn't leave them with their Grandparents (did you mean for childcare or dump and run?)

Basically you want to control people from beyond the grave, I'm not sure you will find anyone, friend or otherwise, who will want that position.

Get some rest and try not to worry about things that will likely never happen.

Well sort of yeh. My DH has no bloody clue.

He panicks the moment his son throws a cookie on the floor. Let alone have a full tantrum..

He would end up sending them to his parents immpretty sure.

And also, he was so abused that when he was with me he was so easily taken advantage of.. I had to tell him it wasn’t normal for him to be treated the way he was treated... and to expect the same bullying from me.

I’m constantly telling him that being bullied isn’t normal. He doesn’t stick up for himself properly.. and right now I’m the one sticking up for both of us, and the kids.

Anyway. Enough rambling. Won’t was anyone’s time this was s random moment

It's reasonable to have a talk about what happens and what you'd like OP but you can't control it. He might meet a great woman quickly after your death who will love the kids. Or more likely you'll live to play with the Grandkids