to not move to a new city just because my parents want me to?

[differentcity]

I've lived in the same place my entire life. I've never fitted in anywhere. I'm a bit awkward and most people just don't like me. I'm not even 30 and it's been the best part of 20 years since I had any friends.

Work is a boring, unskilled job with no prospects even though I have reasonable qualifications. I had an ok job once and I ended up on formal capability proceedings for my lack of interpersonal skills. As much as my job is rubbish, I'm good at it and I'm very settled there.

I live in a cheap area so I do own my house but I don't really have anything else here.

My parents want to move three hours away to an area that they love with the bonus of being closer to my brother and sister. They won't move unless I go too because I have nobody else within about an hour of where I live.

I don't want to move because even though here isn't amazing, it's my home.

They reckon a fresh start would do me good but given that I've struggled socially my entire life, in every situation and every setting, I don't think a new city is going to change anything.

I think my parents are being really unfair for making me the reason they're not doing what they want to do with their lives but at the same time, am I being selfish for not giving it a try just because I don't want to leave my fairly shitty life?

I don't think you're being unreasonable really. I've done three big moves and you're right, you are the same person wherever you go, your problems and worries don't magically vanish.
Have you told your parents they can move if they want to? Would you be OK with that? I can see why they wouldn't want to leave you, but it's unfair of them if they claim you're holding them back. You are all adults and can make your own decisions.

Yep, I'd truly be fine with them going. Their concerns seem to be mostly about me having nobody in a crisis, which is daft. In a real crisis, I'd call 999. In a less serious situation, three hours really isn't that far away.

Perhaps they think with more family about you will have more support and a better social life?

It's a valid concern but like you say, it's very unlikely that there would be a crisis you couldn't deal with somehow. I do sometimes worry about things like that, as my parents and brother live 4 hours away. But I cope and you would too.

What would you call 999 for?

Do you call on them for help at the moment OP, or is this more of a theoretical worry on their side?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to stay where you are unless there is some massive backstory about being in contact with people who are not good for you, and it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Do you speak or see your brother and sister often OP?

YANBU. I lived in the same city my whole life, had a home and career there but also felt like you, like I didn’t really fit in. It was, however, home so to me felt comfortable and safe I guess.

I moved a year ago because DH wanted to buy a bigger house in a small town. I’ve regretted it every day tbh. I still don’t fit in but now it’s a smaller more insular place so I notice it more. I hate it and want to move back to ‘my’ city.

What would you call 999 for?

House on fire, that sort of thing. You know, an emergency. Like the OP said.

Meh. You don’t know that you do not fit in anywhere because you’ve only lived in one town your entire life. It might be good for you. It might be that you just don’t fit in in your home town.
Personally, I’d compromise. I’d tell my parents that I’d move there for a minimum of 1yr but that if I hated it, I’d move back to my home town.

So you rent out your house, you move and get a 12 mo lease in new city for a bit less than rental income. And you give it a go. Maybe even stay with same company and get a shitty job transfer.

Who knows? Maybe you will love it. Maybe you will find a group of friends that you really get on with.

But if it sucks, and you regret it...no worries pack up your car and move back to your house.

Would your siblings be up for letting you stay the weekend with them at some point to get a feel for the new area? It’s unsettling to leave your own home where you feel safe, but sometimes it’s good for us to keep our options open and try something new on our own terms.

Is your lack of interpersonal skills associated with a disability which you may or may not have diagnosed yet? Perhaps a visit to a GP is in order to see if you could be referred to someone?

If you have a disability diagnosed it may make it easier for you to keep another good job in the future because reasonable adjustments need to be made by employers. Could you join an association that helps people with your condition to socialise with others in the same position?

House fire, I'm being burgled, serious injury or illness... Normal stuff that people call 999 for. It's all theoretical worries.

My brother and sister don't live where my parents want to move to. Just 30-60 minutes away rather than 3.5-4 hours so it'd be easier to see them. I message them a couple of times a week but all three of us work some weekends so I don't see them much.

Sorry you're unhappy with your move whattodowith. It's difficult to just give it a go when other people are involved. Try it for a while and then move back and hurt the person who wanted to move in the first place if they're happy.

GPs have very limited interest in adults with social difficulties because the truth is, even if you have something that can be diagnosed, there's nothing anybody can do and tbh, I don't care if I'm autistic. There's nothing that can be adjusted for me. I cope fine with life. People just find me a bit 'off'.

When I say I don't fit in, I did mean I don't fit in anywhere in my home city and I've tried everything you can imagine. I took up (dry slope) skiing for a bit purely because I read it's a very sociable hobby. Maybe there is a town or city somewhere where I'd find my people but feeling endlessly rejected in one place is crappy enough. I don't really want to start working my way around the country.

OP would they feel better if you came up with a plan for things like illness and injury? I live alone and have had a couple of major incidents with both. I get that in the moment, you have to call 999 but they’d need to know you could pay for help if not mobile at home, or maybe have neighbours help.

Or if you could just manage alone, which is more feasible than some think...obviously those of us who live alone have this kind of problem and not everyone is lucky enough to get help.

But the bottom line is, of course you shouldn’t move if you don’t want to and they shouldn’t blame you if they don’t want to.

That sounds difficult for you. Could you persuade them to go with the promise that you will visit regularly with the plan that once you know the area better if you feel it would suit you, you would move? Maybe you will feel differently when it is more familiar, but if you don’t you’ve not uprooted your self.

I think the whole situation is a bit odd to be honest. Of course you shouldn’t have to move if you don’t want to but it’s slightly worrying that your parents are so concerned about you that they won’t move without you.

It’s not really usual or especially healthy for adult children and their parents to be quite so tied to each other. Why do your parents think you couldn’t manage? Have they had to help you out with things before? Or could it be that your parents’ insistence on maintaining an overly close relationship is what’s hampered your social skills?

I moved 200 miles away from my parents in my 20s to a place where I didn’t know a single soul and at no point did my parents wonder how I’d cope without them being nearby, because I was, you know, an adult.

Tell them very firmly that your life choices will be made by you and for you. They must make the same and you will NOT be swayed by emotional blackmail.

They have zero right to demand this of you OP, it doesn’t matter what they feel is best for you. Do they need you to need them IYSWIM?

I think you need to remind them that you are an adult who owns her own house and is settled in her job and there is no reason why you would want to move. You are not responsible for their decision, but you need to make it clear to them (and, perhaps your siblings) that you are very happy for them to move and will not be 'held responsible' for them not moving, if that's what they stick with.

The right environment does make a difference and some places are better to live than others. Have you visited the area your parents want to move to? Can you see any positives of where they would like to live rather than where you are now?

Have you seen Scope's support to work and all its advice on accommodation that the equality act should entitle you to? Have you ever trawled the NAS website?

What would make your life better? Surely something has to change for your life to improve, could this proposed move be that thing?

I think selling a house,trying to get a new job that you're happy with then finding rental accomodation until you have been in your new job long enough to apply for an other mortgage sound very,very stressful.Especially if you don't want to do it.

I think there are two separate issues here.

The first is the emotional blackmail that your parents are placing on you. Either they want to move or they don't. They have zero right to place the responsibility for that on your or anyone else's shoulders. That's pretty despicable really. Don't move just because they are placing their burden on you.

The second issue is whether a move would be beneficial for you personally. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. Only you can decide that after weighing up all the pros and cons. But don't let one of the decision makers be your parents emotional manipulation.

U sound like u have a lot more going fur yourself than you realise.

Buying a house on your own ( be it cheap ) at your age is no mean feat !

Op I can understand your parents concern. I think they aren't just concerned about now but what happens to you when they are no longer here.

Yes it fine being insular when you are fit and well but what happens if you are ill? Who is going to be able to help you out?

I burst my appendix at 28, ok parents took me to hospital, that could have been done by a 999 call. But who would be able to sort you a tooth brush, bring you pjs, take away your dirty washing.
Who would be able to collect you, and look after you when your well enough to go home, but not well enough to be back to work?

I wonder if there's any adult autisim support groups that night help you to get friends.

I don't care if I'm autistic. There's nothing that can be adjusted for me. I cope fine with life. People just find me a bit 'off'
A discussion/assessment will give you insight into yourself in way you might not have looked at before.
Plus they will have resources.tools that you can use to link in with other like minded souls.
you can be on your own without being lonely - and you ARE worthy and deserving of friends.

i discovered i was Aspie in my 30's.
It presents differently in women so i never associated it with me - bubbly, friendly, chatterbox, popular, high achieving - yet zero real friends and inability to keep form and keep friendships.

9 years later, i've got a small circle of real, loving, trusted friends.
i moved a few years ago to a completely different part of the UK despite knowing nobody - i don't feel scared and i'm happy in my own company.
i have a huge community of online friends, especially in the aspie community.

Look into it anyway - it can only help.

Move with them, get a job you can use your qualifications for. Get out of the rut as you refer to it as “shitty” and go socialise with your siblings.

They don't think that I wouldn't cope. They'd be fine if I moved away. If I'd got friends or a partner, they'd go. It's just the idea of leaving me alone that they don't like. I've got aunts, uncles and cousins about an hour away. I only see them at weddings and funerals but I'm sure one of them would help me in a crisis if I asked and as I say, three hours isn't that far. If I really needed them for whatever reason, my parents could stay with me.

I have been to the city they want to move to. It's fine. It's bigger, generally less deprived than where I live now and there's more going on. I can see the plus side of it but it's not home and it's not magic. There's no reason to think I'd be able to get a better job or social life or whatever there.

I know a lot of people see the benefit of getting tested for autism as an adult but I don't personally see the point. A diagnosis wouldn't give me access to anything that I haven't had for the years that I've known I have a lot of traits in common with ASD. It's not for me.