to not move to a new city just because my parents want me to?

[differentcity]

I've lived in the same place my entire life. I've never fitted in anywhere. I'm a bit awkward and most people just don't like me. I'm not even 30 and it's been the best part of 20 years since I had any friends.

Work is a boring, unskilled job with no prospects even though I have reasonable qualifications. I had an ok job once and I ended up on formal capability proceedings for my lack of interpersonal skills. As much as my job is rubbish, I'm good at it and I'm very settled there.

I live in a cheap area so I do own my house but I don't really have anything else here.

My parents want to move three hours away to an area that they love with the bonus of being closer to my brother and sister. They won't move unless I go too because I have nobody else within about an hour of where I live.

I don't want to move because even though here isn't amazing, it's my home.

They reckon a fresh start would do me good but given that I've struggled socially my entire life, in every situation and every setting, I don't think a new city is going to change anything.

I think my parents are being really unfair for making me the reason they're not doing what they want to do with their lives but at the same time, am I being selfish for not giving it a try just because I don't want to leave my fairly shitty life?

Bigger city, more people, more chance of meeting my sort of people is my mum's main argument for why it'd be better for me but I'm not convinced she's right. I've been browsing Meetup in the other city and the groups are about five times the size of my local groups with two, three, four times as many people attending events. To me, it feels like bigger city, more people, less opportunities for somebody who finds groups of people particularly difficult.

You are an adult, so you don't have to do anything that you don't want to

I get that but most people don't go through life only thinking of themselves. Whether it's fair or not, my parents have made me aware that they want to move but won't because of me.

I don't know if I'm being selfish for not giving it a try when there's not a lot keeping me in my home city.

@SavingSpaces2019 -congrats on everything you have achieved, I hope the OP will consider what you’ve done and perhaps read something that helps them with their next steps, whatever they decide to do.
In my work we have a couple of data analyst colleagues in one of our branches who have a condition which makes them uncomfortable speaking to people or answering the phone. I don’t know what it is, that’s personal info which isn’t my business. We were asked by their manager to email them instead. This was at their request. All of us are happy and working well together. Nobody’s stressed about having to talk. All queries are answered. The adjustments have two people contributing to society and the organisation benefits from their financial skills. All good teamwork and an example of how small changes can benefit all involved :-)

No doubt there's benefits to diagnosis for people who need adjustments at work but I don't. As I say, people just think I'm a bit 'off' and there's no adjustment for that. FWIW, dogs and babies don't like me either

Suggest you say

It's their choice if they want to move (to any where)
That you are happy to remain where you are
That if they move, you could visit them or they could visit you
That's what other families & friends do

This is a really tricky one, OP.

On one hand, you are an adult and if you don't want to move to a different city that is entirely your choice.

In the other hand, it sounds like your parents have your best interests at heart and are doing this for the right reasons (that they would prefer to move but don't want you to be lonely) - I think the poster who mentioned emotional blackmail was a bit harsh!

I guess their thought process is that you're not very happy anyway, so why not try a new place which may or may not be better but at least you'd be closer to your siblings so that would be one source of social activity for you.

I know you feel settled where you are but as your job is not particularly skilled presumably it wouldn't be difficult to find a similar one in the new place?

I think you need to be aware that your dislike of transitions may be at work here to prevent you from seeing the possible benefits of the move.

People get out of ruts when they move to new places all the time. Meeting new people, getting a new job, being somewhere different, can change your life. Get out of your dull hometown as fast as you can. You're too young to be as old as you sound right now.

Verify1

You have a mortgage and a job so probably not a good idea to move. You're an adult so they can move away if they want to. If you hate your job so much, try to find another one. Maybe join a hobby group so you meet different people.

I agree with pps that you should consider a move. Not because your parents want you to, but because you’ve lived your entire life in one place and are evidently lonely and unhappy — sometimes it is the place, not the person. I’m not someone who’s struggled with friendships, and have lived all over the world, but when I moved to a village in rural England, I was suddenly unable to make friends, despite doing all the ‘right’ things, baby groups, volunteering, church. My ‘tribe’ simply didn’t exist there.

I’m a mum to two ASD dds. Actually, in mine and dhs family, around half of us all have ASD. I think I have a good grasp of main characteristics, esp females. I suspect such dramatic change would really be bad for you - too much, too sudden. My dds struggle with the smallest change in routine. A new house, new town, new job - would all be too much for many of my love ones.

You could visit them in weekends though, explain you will get a feel if the town.

I guess from your parents perspective, they worry about you, I’d be the same for my dds. But I think all that change would be massively overwhelming m.

I agree with posts saying that you should very firmly say to your parents thst they should do what they want to do and that you will be fine.

And then i think you should seriously consider moving, but in your own time. If the move would mean you couldnt afford a home, that's a big no from me though.

I'm another one with a relative who has found the diagnosis of an ASD as an adult liberating in ways she didn't expect, even though she remains in the same job, relationship and place. She is off antidepressants though. Maybe that's partly because she no longer thinks that her preferences in interaction are a fault in her.

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

Try browsing through the website linked & see if there's anything useful for you, it's specifically for ASD females.

Would you consider moving to the new city for a year & letting out your home? This would give you an option to return to if things don't work out in the new city. It's a halfway, compromise option which gives you control.

Here’s a thought - if your parents are concerned you won’t manage without them, why don’t you give the long distance relationship a go by all communicating only by phone for a month as they would do if they moved away, and see how you get on?that way You/parents haven’t moved house, but it will be like they had as they won’t be round every five mins to check on you or bring you in a bit of dinner or whatever they currently do, it will be genuine trial. You’ll have to deal with any issues which arise.

That may give them confidence that you can manage alone without their help? And let you see that too? Or indeed not as the case may be.

I still think you are fighting potential support from organisations that may be able to help you because you think they can’t help!

What gives you that idea, do you know someone whom they didn’t help or something?
Why not get tested anyway?
Have your parents been on at you for years to get tested and that’s why you refuse or something? You know you are not fitting in with the majority of people and your attempts at clubs to find new friends haven’t worked out as you’d hoped. So you know there is something different to most people about you.

Being diagnosed changes nothing, you are still the same intelligent person you have always been. You just have a condition you have recorded on file. If you have autism you can be going to their clubs where you can make new friends who will totally understand you and finally make you feel welcome and accepted. My friends daughter goes to her local club weekly and it helped her to get out a bit more. She announced she had a best friend the other day, I’m well pleased for her? That’s new!

You have decided that the medical profession won’t take you seriously and say you don’t need adjustments, yet you also say you lost a job having gone down the capability route due to a lack of interpersonal skills, so it seems that you would benefit from adjustments which could mean you no longer would be expected to use such skills? That could solve your ‘job with no potential’ issues?

Sorry for the long email, I genuinely hope you can find a solution to all your points. Sometimes it does mean listening to other people, like your mum, who knows you well and loves you, and considering what advice is offered with fresh eyes and not just saying no because that’s what you are comfortable doing and it’s your established position. If you keep doing things the same way you will keep getting the same results. You deserve to be happy, we all do, and have friends, which you would like, and I can’t help but feel an alternative route via an organisation used to dealing with social awkwardness may be ideal. Good luck with whatever you decide

We really, truly have a completely average adult child/parent relationship. I don't overly rely on them for anything.

Definitely wouldn't rent my house out. I couldn't have strangers living in my house. I don't think I'd want to move temporarily anyway. Too much hassle if I decided to move back purely because here is home.

Maybe it is the change that I need but I think it's more likely that it'd be more of the same with the added bonus of not knowing where anything is.

I don't want to be tested for autism as an adult because it's either a waste of my money or a waste of the NHS's money. I know a lot of people cite 'understanding themselves' as a reason to get tested but I don't see the difference between knowing you're probably autistic and knowing your definitely autistic. Absolutely nothing would get me to go to an ASD social group.

Thanks for all the opinions, advice and suggestions :)

Elieza
Thankyou