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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being a bridesmaid

62 replies

Hulawoola · 16/08/2019 18:14

I'm a regular but name changed.

So my friend is getting married next summer and wants to buy the bridesmaid dress this month (highstreet, not from a bridal shop) and when I mentioned I want to lose a bit of weight before next year (a couple of big trips next year that I want to feel happier and slimmer for) she got really pissed off.
It is difficult because on the one hand, I get the wanting to be organised, but on the other hand, it is her choice to get married and I can't put my life on hold for a year just because she is getting married. Equally I can't really afford to pay for alterations although I guess I'll have to if she insists on buying the dresses now.
I'd understand if we measured up 8 weeks before and I lost or put on a lot of weight, but is it really unreasonable to not want to put my life on hold for the next year in terms of weight loss?

OP posts:

Iwouldlikesomecake · 16/08/2019 19:59

Yep. 'a lot of weddings' and 'going abroad' in the same sentence as 'I can't save 77p a week' don't add up.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 16/08/2019 20:04

No, it is sadly pretty common for people not to have much spare money at the end of a month but people who cannot scrape together less than £1 per week over a year are not usually talking about going abroad or going to lots of occasions. Because even if they decide to put the bus fare up in your area, what you're saying is that if bus fare goes up by 10p a journey, and you get the bus to work, you cannot afford to get to work.

I wouldn't want to be abroad with so little resources that in an emergency I would be stuffed.

DontBeOffensive · 16/08/2019 20:06

OP you really cannot see how self centred you come across to the point where you cant understand why your friend is pissed off at you. Because you're making it ALL ABOUT YOU. And it's not your wedding. And you dont even seem to be that bothered about losing the weight. Come on just bow out gracefully and let someone else step in who has a spare 77p a week and can be a good bridesmaid and more importantly- friend.

Teachermaths · 16/08/2019 20:09

There's a lot a different between not having a lot to spare and not having £1 per week.

You're going in trips which you shouldn't go on if you do t have £40 spare. What if something goes wrong or there's an emergency?

IndianaMoleWoman · 16/08/2019 20:12

How much weight are we talking exactly? Dresses can only be altered realistically by so many sizes, so if you’re thinking a stone or two alterations should be stone, but five stone might be a push.

Napqueen1234 · 16/08/2019 20:13

I understand your concern but your friend isn’t being unreasonable so you have two options: get a smaller size and make sure it fits by the wedding come hell or high water or get your usual size and suck up the payment (if needed). If you’re being bought the dress £40 as a cost to be a bridesmaid is fairly low.

ELM8 · 16/08/2019 20:14

I understand why the bride was pissed off. Even if you didn't ask her to hold off buying they dresses, that's basically what's being inferred by saying you want to lose weight between now and then. With all the last minute stuff you have to do for a wedding, it's most peoples preference to do as much in advance as possible. It also helps with her budgeting.

I imagine she would be even more pissed off if she waited and then you didn't lose weight anyway and it was just another thing she couldn't cross off her list?

If you can't afford to save £1 a week I would bin off the hen do abroad for sure.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 16/08/2019 20:15

Well, in my experience a dress size is around 1.5 stone. (Some people say 1 stone but that’s not what I’ve found). And you won’t fundamentally change shape.

So for a dress to look wrong on you, you’d probably have to lose at least 2 stone. That’s not impossible, of course, but it would take quite a bit of effort. It’s not just dropping a few pounds.

Maybe she wants to get the colours finalised? You often can’t get the same colours the following year.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 16/08/2019 20:18

Also you’d probably find a discreet safety pin would be enough to make things secure if it’s a strapless dress!

GreyHare · 16/08/2019 20:21

You sound like her wedding is just a complete hassle to you , why did you say yes to being a bridesmaid, I do feel sorry for your friend really.

SoyDora · 16/08/2019 20:22

I once bought a bridesmaid dress a size smaller and had to lose 1.5 stone to fit into it... I managed to zip it up 3 days before the wedding! It was stressful.
It’s fine for her to want to buy the dresses now. It’s fine for you to want to lose weight. However that may mean that alterations are needed and they will need paying for. Otherwise what is your proposed solution?
By the way, what would you do if your utilities went up by £3 a month? Or your council tax?

Jaffacakebeast · 16/08/2019 20:26

Weddings piss me off! ppl are so ridiculous about them! Expecting guests to pay for all sorts, hen nights, hair/make up, travel, hotels, babysitters, pet sitters.... the list goes on and on, I’ve always said no thanks and I’ll come to the night do if it’s local 🤷‍♀️

Vasya · 16/08/2019 20:32

I didn't realise it was so uncommon for people not to have much money spare at the end of each month?!

I don't think this is uncommon, but not having £40 spare over the course of a year is a very extreme form of this. I don't remotely disbelieve you when you say it's true, but it does suggest your circumstances are incredibly precarious.

Does your friend know things are this tight for you? If you were my bridesmaid and I knew you were that close to absolute disaster I would absolutely be reassuring you that I would pay for any alterations needed in time.

SteelRiver · 16/08/2019 20:33

I've been surprised at some of the judgemental, and often sneering, replies. OP, some people just have no concept of being on a fixed income, yet still wanting a life. Its bloody hard and requires careful planning. Why should you have to miss out.

I think losing a bit of weight won't mean a rebuild of the dress next year so go ahead with your weight loss plan. Hope all goes well for you. The bride was wrong to get shirty with you for wanting to lose weight. She's probably hoping she'll lose some, too. People seem to forget their wedding is nowhere near as important to others as it is to them.

PrincessScarlett · 16/08/2019 20:34

Presumably the bride is a best friend for you to be bridesmaid. Are you the only bridesmaid or are there lots of you?

I would sit down with your friend and try and find a compromise. Maybe suggest you buy dress in January to give you a chance to lose weight. Although it's bride's decision to make. Bride may want to buy dress now as summer styles and colours will not be in the shop in winter.

However if she wants to buy the dress now you will have to accept that you may need to pay for alterations.

Neverender · 16/08/2019 20:37

My bridesmaids dresses were £12 in the sale, but beautiful and bought about 12wks before my wedding. YANBU.

Spent £120 on shoes per person though but the dresses were perfect

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 16/08/2019 20:51

You want to lose weight? Buy one less big bag of crisps per week and you'll lose weight AND save your 77p per week too!
Sorted

Original poster

Hulawoola · 16/08/2019 20:52

Thank you for each and everyone's input.

It is reassuring to hear everyone's views. atthebottom I am hoping about 1.5 stone so actually that is really good to hear.

soydora if I needed money for utility bills I could probably ask a family member, but I don't like to ask them for help otherwise.
I don't think my finances are anyone's business really, I have emergency money but it is for emergencies and not for a dress fitting. If I dip in to it, I then have to replace it and unfortunately with some things i have to do next year, this is less easy.

steelriver thank you, this is exactly it. I feel like I'm being given a really hard time here for my careful budgeting. There may be a chance that I can't go abroad for her hen but i am trying to budget it in at the moment.

I am 1 of 3 bridesmaids. She really is my best friend and I don't think I've been difficult or self centred once regarding her wedding. I have been very open and excited about it and have been helping her plan things. Like I've already mentioned, we happened to be chatting and I mentioned trying to lose a bit of weight. She knows I'm unhappy with my weight.
She also knows that I have to go on some trips next year. It all adds up and finding money won't be easy. But hopefully it won't come to it, maybe my finances will increase (unlikely!) Or maybe I'll stay the same weight!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hulawoola · 16/08/2019 20:54

greig haha that is a good idea 😉

OP posts:

DontBeOffensive · 16/08/2019 21:00

OP just read how many ' i 's there are in your last post. This is what I'm saying you still cant see how self centred you're being. Take it from a bride who lost a friend a bridesmaid over this sort of shit - unless she is being a bridezilla (which it doesn't sound like she is) stop making like hard for her and wear whatever bloody dress she wants. Worst case if you even do lose weight and cant save 77p a week to get it fixed you can pin it up with some safety pins. Just stop being difficult and making the whole thing about you. Its shocking how you cant look at your own posts objectively and the situation as a whole and realise how selfish you sound.

AcrobaticCardigan · 16/08/2019 21:01

One of my bridesmaids insisted she’d lose weight and actually wanted me to order a smaller size dress. I foresaw issues and ordered her actual size as I thought we could take something in, but not out. The zip barely fastened on the larger dress on the day.

DontBeOffensive · 16/08/2019 21:01

*life hard

bambalaya · 16/08/2019 21:06

Don't go to her hen do. Keep that money for alterations.

Original poster

Hulawoola · 16/08/2019 21:06

acrobatic eeek that is a nightmare! I'm glad it did fit on the day, even if a bit snug! I hope not to put on weight 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Hulawoola · 16/08/2019 21:10

dontbeoffensive
Thanks for your input.

bambalaya I may have to do that. I will re evaluate my budget and see what can give.

OP posts:

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