Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to reduce your mum guilt leaving your DC

51 replies

Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 17:49

I know this is ridiculous.

DD is 2 months old. I have left her with DH twice, once while I went to see a friend for a cup of tea and once while I went to a preloved baby sale. DH and I also went for a meal while DM and DF looked after her for 2 hours so we could celebrate a special occasion.
DH has down time a lot (goes and does things he enjoys like golf or cycling a few times a week, and has had an evening out), so I tell myself I deserve it, too. I am going to a dog event at the weekend and will be out for about 3 hours.
I have also planned a few hours with a friend around my birthday in a month.

I know it's so silly but I feel awful. I feel like I'm a terrible mother. She is with DH, who is an amazing hands on dad, and I know it's important that they spend time together without me as well. How do you overcome this sense of guilt?

OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 15/08/2019 17:51

Oh Jesus with the greatest of respect... you are over thinking it. I read the op and thought you were leaving permanently.

RJnomore1 · 15/08/2019 17:53

By reminding yourself that you are a person who’s needs matter too that subsumjng your identity into your child is not healthy for them in the long run. Also that they deserve to be able to bond with other significant adults who love and care for them.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 17:54

I know I'm over thinking it. I'm not sure if I'd feel like it anyway or if I feel like it because I know people that haven't left their children at all until they are 1 year old. I'm trying to learn how to manage the totally OTT feeling.

OP posts:
TruckstopTrudy · 15/08/2019 17:54

I have this a bit when leaving lo at nursery while I’m in work or nights out with friends etc, this weekend I’m away at a wedding. You need time for you to make you better for your lo is the way I see it.

TruckstopTrudy · 15/08/2019 17:56

Who doesn’t leave their children until they are 1? I needed a haircut and colour when lo was a couple of months old lol am I selfish? I think no but I guess others may think I am!

kitk · 15/08/2019 17:56

You can't be a good mum without taking time for yourself. Your daughter can't grow up with good expectations of her life if she thinks mums are meant to stay at home 24/7. Your DP can't bond properly without one to one time. Does that help?

Settlersofcatan · 15/08/2019 17:57

It's really early days - just give it time. I have a 6 week old who I have no intention of leaving for more than a few minutes for some time. But I know I will be fine leaving him to go back to work at 9 months as I went back with my first at 6 months and that was fine.

NewAccount270219 · 15/08/2019 17:57

It just gets easier with time. At two months I had never left the house without DS. At six months I went back to work full-time (while he was at home with his dad). It wasn't easy, but it was fine

Brakebackcyclebot · 15/08/2019 17:58

Practice!

And reminding yourself:

that DH is an equally competent, capable and loving parent.

that you are not only a mother- you are more than a role

that being the best parent you can be dies NOT mean never leaving your child with someone you trust - like her father!

that you and DH also have a relationship that needs nurturing - you aren't just parents

1WayOrAnother · 15/08/2019 18:02

Happy mum equals happy baby.

Also I really don't want to raise clingy children who aren't used to me having a life. I think of it at role modelling.

user1494050295 · 15/08/2019 18:03

What’s mum guilt? Same thing as dad guilt I suppose

Ninkaninus · 15/08/2019 18:03

It’s really important for your baby to have a close bond with her daddy. And just as important for your husband to feel confident in being able to care for her. It’s also vital for your relationship with your husband longterm. Your baby is fine and happy, and your husband is shouldering some of the parenting responsibility. Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you will end up doing everything, all the time, for everyone in your household for the rest of your foreseeable future, which is not a healthy or happy place to be.

Keep going out, keep looking after yourself too and not just your little one, that way you will be able to recharge on a regular basis and have more resources to look after her.

chipsandgin · 15/08/2019 18:06

I couldn't leave either of mine until around 6 months because they were bf on demand & I didn't really ever get to grips with expressing. I wouldn't have wanted to particularly anyway (just took them with me) & you shouldn't feel like you have to leave a new baby - it's up to you.

If you do want then just practice it (get your DH to look after things for a few hours whilst you are in the house, but 'hidden away' he uses whatever method of feeding you would use if you were away from the baby - you get to watch a film, get some sleep or whatever you like doing when chilling out at home, just make sure you are off the scene and 'not there'). Once you've done that a couple of times it should reassure you you can do the real thing?

Up to three months old is the 'fourth trimester' (worth a google), they are newborns - it's perfectly natural to not want to be away from them (also fine to do it if you feel ok about it!).

Bringonspring · 15/08/2019 18:09

To be honest you just learn to live with it. As soon as you are passed your baby you feel guilty! It gets easier though!!

cheesydoesit · 15/08/2019 18:12

By not calling it 'mum' guilt and continuing to rationalise it as you are. You're not leaving her for very long at all and she is with her father.

If you really hate it then you can stay at home but I know for me it would have led to resentment that DH has time to himself. Saying that I did feel resentful that it was easier for him to leave DC iyswim? He loves them obviously but didn't suffer from the initial self recrimination as I did. I suppose that's the way it can be, whether it's down to biology or societal expectations.

Anyway you don't sound like a shit mum to me. Enjoy the dog event!

brassbrass · 15/08/2019 18:13

8 weeks is no time at all. Stop giving yourself a hard time. Are you going out because you really want the time to yourself away from the baby or because other people are telling you you should be? Perhaps you're just not ready to leave her yet?

There are no rules no right or wrong. Just do what feels good to you. If you want time for yourself that's fine no guilt necessary you have a capable DH and willing parents available to facilitate it.

Don't overthink it.

Oly4 · 15/08/2019 18:15

It’s because your baby is little and they love mum! It gets so much easier over time. Don’t worry

HalyardHitch · 15/08/2019 18:18

At 8 weeks, if it doesn't feel right then stay with your baby. Don't knock your instincts

blackcat86 · 15/08/2019 18:24

I saw a thread on Facebook today where mums were almost bragging how little they had left their kids as If they'd get some sort of medal. Not only did it make me feel like shit now I've gone back to work but I felt even more shit about applying for big promotions that FT with a 1yr old. I have comforted myself by knowing that DD has a great time at childcare and comes back home to see us. School kids are out all day and no one worries they'll somehow want to go home with their teacher or forget their mum. I personally think those bragging that they barely left their nursery age children are setting them up for failure and in danger of being martyrish and resentful.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 18:29

It doesn't feel wrong to leave her with her dad for a bit and I am grateful for a break. If I have one at home e.g having a bath while I read a book, I can't tune out iyswim. I have had people say 'You shouldn't want to have a break yet' even if for a few hours, so I guess it makes me feel guilty.

DH encourages me to have some time to myself so I'm still my own person which I appreciate.

OP posts:
mylaptopismylapdog · 15/08/2019 18:30

My daughter is an adult now but I can still remember that feeling I think it is quite normal but also remember feeling refreshed after being out of the house or able to do something whilst dad looked after her.She will benefit if you have a break and she needs to get used to being with her father and foe needs to feel he can look after her.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 18:32

blackcat86 I totally get it. I know people that haven't left their DC hardly ever. They have admitted to me that it has negatively impacted their relationships with their OHs but I then feel judged for leaving her at all! I don't think maternity leave means ONLY caring for your baby 24/7 while you are off.

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 15/08/2019 18:34

Your feelings are linked to your hormones at the minute - it is nature ensuring the survival of the species. As your baby gets older, it fades. I don't have any mum guilt leaving my two at all. However, when they were babies I felt like a cloud of doom came over me when I left them, particularly with my first. I actually spent the whole time during a cinema date holding my phone waiting for it to ring because I 'knew' there was something wrong, which of course, there wasn't. Give yourself a break, dont push yourself into leaving your baby if you really don't want too. You won't feel this way forever. Soon you will hand dc over to grandma and run singing gleefully!

Ninkaninus · 15/08/2019 18:41

People are doing it here too and tbh it irritates me. If OP has in fact already gone out for a cup of tea with a friend, a ‘date’ (or whatever) with her husband, to a sale, and has a couple of outings planned, does that really indicate that she doesn’t actually want to leave her baby for short periods of time? No. It quite reasonably indicates that OP is happy to go out and about here and there for a bit and wants to maintain an identity of her own apart from being a mother.

It will get easier with practise, and you will get better at ignoring actual or perceived judgement from others. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. It’s natures way of ensuring the survival of humanity, but it is possible to rationalise and make peace with what your hormones are making you feel.

HJWT · 15/08/2019 18:49

@Sayhellotothethings its totally normal to feel like this, I rarely left DD before she was 1 and when I did it was only with DH.

Please don't read into people BS about "you will effect your child if you don't leave them" My DD never left me/DH until nursery at 2.5 years and she is the most confident child there, never cried once...