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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to reduce your mum guilt leaving your DC

51 replies

Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 17:49

I know this is ridiculous.

DD is 2 months old. I have left her with DH twice, once while I went to see a friend for a cup of tea and once while I went to a preloved baby sale. DH and I also went for a meal while DM and DF looked after her for 2 hours so we could celebrate a special occasion.
DH has down time a lot (goes and does things he enjoys like golf or cycling a few times a week, and has had an evening out), so I tell myself I deserve it, too. I am going to a dog event at the weekend and will be out for about 3 hours.
I have also planned a few hours with a friend around my birthday in a month.

I know it's so silly but I feel awful. I feel like I'm a terrible mother. She is with DH, who is an amazing hands on dad, and I know it's important that they spend time together without me as well. How do you overcome this sense of guilt?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 18:49

Thank you Ninkaninus, I really appreciate what you have said

OP posts:
NewAccount270219 · 15/08/2019 18:50

I personally think those bragging that they barely left their nursery age children are setting them up for failure and in danger of being martyrish and resentful.

I say this as another full-time working mum - I don't think this is helpful. It just perpetuates women making other women feel bad - inevitably other people will snipe back at this to try and make you feel bad, and so we continue.

We're all really different and make different decisions. Our kids will mostly be fine, and if they're not it won't be traceable to whether or not we left them at two months, or at two. If there was one right way to raise children everyone would do it.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 18:59

I hope it doesn't look like I'm bashing anyone that opts not to leave their children until they are nursery age! Just trying to adjust to not feeling guilty about it.
I certainly appreciate a few hours of 'me' time!

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 15/08/2019 19:04

I'm a full-time mum and hardly get any time away from the kids. I savour any time I do get!

I feel no mum guilt at all if I do get an opportunity to get some me time. But then I feel a bit guilty for not feeling guilty! We can't win! Grin

BertieBotts · 15/08/2019 19:07

You do it more :)

It is important and it's hard to see just how much now. But if you get into a routine of them having their time together, there are so many benefits. It's not only free time for you. It's the relationship between DD and her dad which isn't always going to involve you, it's him finding his own ways to be with and comfort her, which means he's more likely to be an actively involved parent even when you're around and be confident to take over if you need him to. It's about you realising that you don't need to be involved in every second of her life (which I totally understand, right now, feels like exactly the way it should be) long term this is useful as it helps you frame her as a person rather than extension of you. As she gets older spending most of your time with her will, while still being precious, be draining too and it's invaluable to have that time away.

Do it more and it gets easier and you start to see the benefits.

Pagwatch · 15/08/2019 19:11

I’d stop looking at it through the lens of your guilt - that sort of thinking can get you sucked into being a martyr or convincing yourself that only you can properly care for your child.
Any emotional response can be gently replaced by reminding yourself logically of all the good things that are gained by these short separations
Your partner develops his own relationship with your child and his own way of doing things which will help your baby be more adaptable and confident. You get to avoid being completely absorbed by your child so you get to enjoy those little moments of missing her and reminding yourself that this is just a part of your life and that you, as a person, need to keep doing things just for you

It’s all good. Just remind yourself when you’re feeling the guilt rise - and for gods sake don’t start enjoying the guilt. Don’t be that person

SignedUpJust4This · 15/08/2019 19:28

It's a lot easier when the kid gets. Bit older and you realise they are bored off you and need stimulation from elsewhere. My daughter learned and experienced things when I was at work she would never have had if she had been at home with me. She's a confident social butterfly after years in nursery.

MamaFlintstone · 15/08/2019 19:30

She’s only 2 months old! It’ll wear off as she gets older and more annoying

lazylinguist · 15/08/2019 19:32

I can just about understand some guilt when you start leaving them at nursery, but leaving them with their own father?! That is something you actively should be doing.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 19:34

lazylinguist I am doing it...

OP posts:
NobleRot · 15/08/2019 19:38

Ok, well, stop letting other people tell you how you ‘should’ be feeling, and stop calling it ‘mum guilt’. That makes it sound like it’s inevitable and biological, when it’s socially-mandated to make you think only you can do the gruntwork of baby care.

LaVieilleHarpie · 15/08/2019 19:39

Yup, you are being ridiculous. Just bloody go. No, your child won't spend the rest of their life in therapy because mother went out for a few hours.

museumum · 15/08/2019 19:41

I ebf a bottle refuser but tbh I was more than happy to hand him to dh for an hour straight after a big feed from a few weeks old soon as bf was established. It did wonders for their bond. I had 6mo maternity leave so was with him much more and felt that dh and ds deserved as much bonding time as possible. No guilt.

BertieBotts · 15/08/2019 20:09

I have had people say 'You shouldn't want to have a break yet'

This is such bollocks. You absolutely 1000% do not want to wait until you are absolutely on your knees desperate for a break. Ask for help, ask for a break, ask for support BEFORE that moment. Have it regularly, and do not feel guilty, because this is called clear lines of communication between you and your partner, and sets you up for so many good things. A more equal parenting relationship, for one. Appreciating each other. Understanding each other.

If you wait until you desperately need a break and your DH says no, you will despise him. Honestly. Ask well before you get to that point and hopefully you will never get there.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 15/08/2019 20:21

Why are some posters being sarcastic? I'm talking about my feelings, not my child's. Mums are meant to support other mums, not tear in to each other.

Thank you to those who have posted helpful replies.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 15/08/2019 21:10

I’m not sure - my twins are 3 next month and I still feel guilty about everything all the time. If you figure out how to banish the guilt, let me know ;)

Honey555 · 15/08/2019 21:17

Are you breastfeeding?

I think for me that definitely made it harder, even though DD would take expressed milk.

I think it’s something that comes with time. I felt pressured to leave DD in the early days and to be honest, it just made me anxious and I wish I hadn’t. She’s 14 months now and doing well at nursery- the Mum guilt never goes though.

I think you will always feel guilty whatever you do so you just have to roll with it. Accept that Mum guilt is a part of life.

Have a nice weekend! Smile

GPatz · 15/08/2019 21:40

By having a second one and laughing at how precious you were with your first.

SAHM2019 · 15/08/2019 21:50

The guilt thing is always there when you are a mum I think. It's not always as strong as you are feeling it now while its brand new but theres always guilt over something or another.
I have working mum friends who feel guilty about leaving kids in childcare. I'm a SAHM and not alone in feeling guilty about not contributing to the home. It's the summer holidays and I feel guilty on the days that they are bored. You'll feel guilty when you cant make a school play ect. It goes on and on just for different reasons. So for now just keep doing what you are because its really healthy to have time away from your baby/children. I had separation anxiety with my first and wouldn't put her down and it made me ill. I always encourage my friends who are new mums to even just go for a short walk without the baby to get used to being apart from them. That's only because of my own experience though.
You'll be fine, try not to stress.

Cyrusc · 15/08/2019 22:07

If you feel guilty due to others perception of you OP then I would work on your confidence. It's nothing to do with the baby really. I was DYING for a break from mine pretty much from the get go! It made me a better mother. I never felt guilt because, well I suppose I'm not someone who really cares what others think of me. I only cared that my DC were well looked after and with someone who knew them almost as well as I did (I.e their dad or my mum) once I knew they were in safe hands I happily took time away from them with no guilt. Don't let other people control your emotions and make you question yourself. You're no doubt a fabulous mum - you deserve time to yourself to recharge so that you can be the best mum to your LO, enjoy!

NobleRot · 15/08/2019 22:21

OP, you say ‘mums are meant to support other mums’, but yet you are listening to and believing someone who told you you aren’t ‘meant to want a break from your baby yet’. Why not listen to the women on this thread who say that this is nonsense, and you should absolutely take time away from your baby if you want to? Like @Cyrusc, I couldn’t wait to get away from mine, and I became a better, more effective and happier mother the moment I returned to work, and it has never occurred to me to feel guilty about it. Why would it? I was providing for my child, as well as continuing a hard-won professional path.

And I genuinely think that ‘mum guilt’ is a cultural pressure/media confection like the ‘beach-ready body’. Ask yourself who benefits if you genuinely do not ever feel you can take an hour away from your baby? Clue: it’s not your baby, and it’s not you.

Wallywobbles · 15/08/2019 22:23

In France you'd be back full time at 13 weeks.

Original poster
Sayhellotothethings · 16/08/2019 09:42

SAHM2019 your post has really helped, thank you.

Cyrusc thank you. I do try. I have anxiety issues and fake a confident front so people often don't realise how impacted I am by things that are said. But I did a lot of adjusting to peolle saying unwanted stuff through pregnancy, and am getting there!

Wallywobbles that is kind of irrelevant as I don't live in France! 🤔

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel much better and am going to enjoy my breather this weekend!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/08/2019 10:13

My point, rather too succinctly made I appreciate, is that this is a cultural issue and very recent.

Waveysnail · 16/08/2019 10:46

I think its healthy for dads relationship to get some 1:1 time with baby