Weaning at 12 weeks

[Russell19]

My mum and dad are in their 60s and they keep mentioning things about weaning my EBF baby (12 weeks)

Things such as 'oh look he is so thirsty give him some water!' 'You were on solids at his age' 'give him a chocolate button' 'he wouldn't be crying if he was on solids' etc etc.

I have told them the guidelines and even sent my mum websites to read about it. It carries on. I end up coming home from their house feeling awful.

I know IANBU to not wean but AIBU to be getting upset about it? (To their faces o have remained polite but said I'm not doing it until 6 months)

Help!

It's the fact they keep doing it that I'd be annoyed about. My dad mentioned it once (he's 70). We said 'we're not doing that' it was never mentioned again. They're being incredibly rude to continue to push it. That's not a generational thing/ past advice. That's them not adjusting to you being a parent and making your own choices.

I'd tell them to stop and that it's upsetting you. If they don't, pull back for a bit. These early days are hard enough without being emotionally battered by family.

My poor friend had a baby a few weeks ago and her DM and her partners are just constantly telling her that she is holding him too much, cuddling him too much, to give him a bottle (he is EBF) that she is spoiling him etc etc
I don’t know how she puts up with it

Just smile and ignore, lack of reaction (kind of) does the trick. My DD is 6 months on Saturday and I’ve had all this from my lot!

Ugh. Sympathy.

My MIL was like this. Constant 'mine were on solids from 12 weeks' [9 weeks, 8 weeks ... the number went down the more she talked about it]. She also insisted we ought to rub whiskey on her gums for teething and told DP folic acid was 'nasty chemical stuff' she shouldn't bother taking.

I don't know what you do other than try to develop enough autopilot to keep droning 'really, how interesting, who's for a cuppa' until they stop.

But the bottom line is that you're not interested, and sad as it may be for your parents to go from feeling they're the fount of all knowledge to having to defer to you, they are only going through what all other parents in history have to go through. You and I will go through it one day. And I hope we'll be a bit less bloody annoying, but we'll probably fuck up too, and all we can do then is to hope our own children are vaguely patient with us.

Weaning seems to be the main trigger point for generational disputes. Even my cleaner started banging on about weaning and wasn’t the baby hungry just in milk. I think it is just so different to the approach of the 80s, it’s hard for people to get their heads around. The other thing like that we’ve found is car seats. Wiedly no/one had any issues with back sleeping despite that being so different to what was done then. I don’t know why there is more acceptance of that guidance change than other things.

An elderly relative of mine was a bit like that, saying it was all nonsense, you have them watered down cows milk at 3 months in her day etc.

Actually. she wasn’t so far off the mark there. As late as the 1960s 2 parts full cream milk diluted with 1 part part water plus some added sugar was considered an acceptable substitute for breastmilk. The powdered baby milks were more generally used but more for convenience and had added vitamin D but we’re nothing like modern formula.

Oh goddd, so familiar. What is it with that generation and giving water to tiny babies? Our DS is a little chunk, obviously thriving on breastmilk but my DPs and DPils can’t stop going on about giving him water. I thought I was past the getting emotional stage but people criticising offering helpful advice re feeding still really upsets me. Ignore it and know that you’re rolling your eyes in sync with probably hundreds of mums across the land!

It's the fact they keep doing it that I'd be annoyed about.

Yes , that’s the thing. If they just told you they did things differently and were interested in how you were doing things now, that would be fine. It’s the going on and on about it that must be very wearing. You are going to have to be firm and cut them short when they bring it up.

I hate to spoil the party, but your parents generation were very probably right! Current research is suggesting that the frightening rise in food allergies is due to late weaning at six months.
Countries that wean early, around three to four months, have vanishingly low rates of peanut allergy. In my generation, it was unheard of.
Immunologists are postulating that delaying exposure of the baby’s gut to simple food allergens means that first contact is happening via the skin instead, especially in babies with eczema where the skin is raw or broken. This triggers the allergic immune response that can culminate in anaphylactic shock.
NHS guidelines are being reviewed, and it’s likely they will recommend weaning at 4 months - just like your mothers did.
So us older generation aren’t looking quite so daft after all, are we?!

Babdoc
My have heard similar and have had friends with babies with CMPA advised to go down the early weaning route. I’d be amazed though if many babies under traditional weaning were exposed to peanuts particularly early though. When I weaned my first at 6m I tried to give peanut butter relatively early but I had to do it quite deliberately. I suspect lots of children are not exposed to nuts etc until much later. It will be interesting to see how newer research disentangles age from variety of diet and some of the previous guidance around avoiding nuts in pregnancy etc.

I found the easiest way to deflect this type of advice was to say "oh yes, I mentioned that to the health visitor when I got DC weighed the other day and they said there's no reason to wean until 6 months, he's following the growth curve perfectly so he's clearly getting everything he needs from milk so I'm glad I can save myself the hassle and mess of weaning for a bit longer"
Or a nice neutral "thanks for your advice, I think I'm going to stick with the current guidance for now as it's working fine for us"... or even "thankyou, yes I'll give that some thought" (then do whatever you want).
People love to give advice and it never stops (my current battle is about keeping 3yo rear-facing in his car seat as apparently he looks terribly uncomfortable - he's not!) and the above lines come in handy a lot!

NHS guidelines are being reviewed, and it’s likely they will recommend weaning at 4 months - just like your mothers did.

People have been saying this on here for years and years, fyi. They’re always ‘just about’ to change the recommended weaning age.

There’s evidence that exposing babies who have a family history of allergies to those specific allergens early-ish can help. There’s not evidence that weaning in general should begin at 12 weeks. I don’t think my mothers generation was daft for doing as they were advised, but constantly hammering on that babies should be weaned before they’re even 3 months when the guidelines have changed was pretty annoying, yes.

(My mother was advised to start weaning from 6 weeks with one of hers!)

FFS, even if they think your baby should be weaned early, a chocolate button at 12 weeks?!

No offence, but that is beyond ridiculous. I would absolutely say something. I wouldn’t accept anyone giving a weaned 6 month chocolate. The mind boggles

Set boundries, you are the parent not them. When i was annoyed by the same i pointed out to them that their mum and dad disagreed with their way of doing things and doubtless ill disagree with my dcs if they have kids. You go by the science at the time.

I would say if they keep it up then i wouldn't leave baby alone with them as if they don't respect your boundries they will smash them if left alone. My sister was bf and her MIL insisted bf wasn't great, my sister shouldn't eat bread (wtf?) while feeding and should formula top up. She tried feeding my dn melted choc icecream at 3 months! Luckily BIL (ex) caught her and for once wasnt useless.

My DM, to be fair to her, has pretty much totally respected my wishes with my DS. She'll just say 'oh we used to do it such and such way, I guess the advice has changed' but doesn't insist. If she does start getting a bit above herself, say over sleeping positions, I just point out how much SIDS deaths have come down since I was a kid and all the research that's been done since then, which usually shuts her up. In any case, I put my foot down early wrt My Baby, My Rules.

FWIW I'm outside the UK and the advice here is start weaning at around 4 months. We started with homemade vegetable purées at lunchtime with breastmilk at breakfast/dinner, so no nasties, then went to finger foods when we thought DS was ready. Soft steamed vegetables such as chopped carrots worked well for us. DS has a fantastic appetite now and eats everything you put on from of him except peas

Countries that wean early, around three to four months, have vanishingly low rates of peanut allergy. In my generation, it was unheard of.

Why do they have vanishingly low rates of peanut allergy specifically? Surely they don't wean their babies on peanuts. The only person I have ever met with a genuine peanut allergy is 67 years old, BTW!

This unsolicited advice won’t stop if you don’t say something. It will start with telling you when to wean but next it will be telling you that smacking never did you any harm.

Giving your baby solids won’t stop them crying or make them sleep. And giving them chocolate is just ridiculous.

@CecilyP oh I'm sure she was telling the truth, and did what she was advised to in the late fifties early sixties, but wouldn't stand for it that I wouldn't do the same and that continued breastfeeding post the months and weaving at six months was all rubbish. I was polite s few times but when it got really insistent I struggled not to say that it was batshit. She also advocated condensed milk for babies and plenty of blankets. Also that we should get rid of our cat, because they steal the breath of babies!

I think that the parents feel they are being criticized and get a bit defensive. I had this a little bit with breast feeding. My mum breast fed me till 6 months and went onto a beaker of cows milk because that's what she was advised to do. I breast fed till 1 year plus with mine. She was a bit 'oh we didn't do that then', like my decision was a judgement on her decision. When I pointed out I was just following guidelines, same as her, she was much more alright about it.

So I think they feel a bit judged by our choices, best to just remind them you are following medical advice, same as they did.