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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think it's fair for one person to have their own room while the other doesn't?

82 replies

MrsGideon · 15/08/2019 15:39

My DH and I are in the process of buying our first home. We're very fortunate in that we've been able to buy a three bedroom house, however the second and third bedrooms are quite small. We've earmarked the second bedroom as a spare room and will put a double bed in there, but DH has decided that the third bedroom will be his study.

I have no problem making that bedroom a study, but I want to put a single pull-out chair bed in there so it can double as another bedroom if we have multiple people staying. I've fully measured the room, and the chair bed I've got my eye on fits with plenty of room to spare when it's fully extended, alongside a desk, desk chair and the door etc.

DH has now thrown his toys out of the cot saying that he likes the idea of having his own space for "tinkering and working". He will already have the garage for DIY and the shed for gardening. I won't have anywhere.

AIBU in thinking this is selfish and to say to him "well we'll scrap the idea of having spare bedrooms at all and I'll take bedroom 2 for my sewing room"???

(Just as a disclaimer, he's great in every other way: does more housework than me; does all annoying life admin; happy to share the TV so I can watch Jane the Virgin; brings me breakfast in bed etc etc etc)

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 15/08/2019 16:54

He is being unreasonable!

We have a large 3 bed with 2 master bedrooms, DH and I have 1 each (we can't share nicely) and the 3rd bedroom will be the nursery eventually.

When we have multiple guests we share a room and give our guests one of the Masters and the other spare. it is great to have your own space, but one area each is plenty!

ChicCroissant · 15/08/2019 16:58

I love the study beds (but not the cost so much)!

I have to agree with the PP about visitors though, I'm sure there was another thread from someone ages ago who had moved out of London and despaired at the lack of visitors.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/08/2019 17:02

@ChicCroissant Well the other thing is that my parents have already said they want to come and stay (they only live 45 mins up the road but if they come round for dinner they'll want a drink), and they cannot share a double bed without my mum killing my dad in a sleep deprived rage in the night

When they come to stay at the moment she often sleeps on the sofa but I'd like her to just have a separate room and some privacy!

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 15/08/2019 17:04

Don't discuss it, just move your stuff in there. You will find your use of space change over time

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 17:09

Can you not share the study? Surely you have admin stuff, files etc. You need your own workspace imo.

Study, shed and garage all to himself sounds like manspreading.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 17:12

The study bed is absurd as you’d have to take everything off and put it all away, and far too expensive.

amusedbush · 15/08/2019 17:24

We're very fortunate in that we've been able to buy a three bedroom house, however the second and third bedrooms are quite small. We've earmarked the second bedroom as a spare room and will put a double bed in there, but DH has decided that the third bedroom will be his study.

DH, is that you??

We've just bought a three bedroom house and I've claimed the smallest room as my study as I'm doing my Masters part time and I'm sick to death of staying late at work or trying to write assignments in the noisy library. I will also be starting a PhD next year, but DH is in a huff because he wants a room to himself Hmm

We've decided to put a pull-out day bed in the spare bedroom so it doesn't take up the whole floor when we don't have guests. To be fair though, I hate guests with a passion and don't want to encourage them Grin

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/08/2019 17:26

He’s being deeply selfish OP. YANBU.

splitthedifference · 15/08/2019 17:27

Hm...I went with what DH wanted when he first moved in with me - two rooms dedicated to his adult children, and both of us sharing a study. Adult children visit about once a year so the rooms have gradually turned into rubbish tips (DH's rubbish), and we spend all our time annoying each other in the study because neither of us has our own space to escape to. If you're able to create a private space for one of you, even if that person isn't you, do it - it'll mean the other has the run of the place undisturbed, and you get on each other's nerves less.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 15/08/2019 17:31

Let him have his man cave. Mine has one. It gives me a lot of time to luxuriate around at my leisure. It is easy to manage his removal to it anytime I want.

C0untDucku1a · 15/08/2019 17:31

Sounds like my house. We also have a conservatory. That helps.

My friend has a summer house that she has insulated. It is beautiful. We are moving later this year and, after we have replaced all the furniture we own as it is all broken - literally every piece, im getting a summer house. Im having a little decked area outside it for putting my beautiful garden chair on and it will have pots of lavender in abundance.

PantsyMcPantsface · 15/08/2019 17:38

I have the conservatory here as "my" study... in reality it now has the kids' computer desk in there as well, and there's usually at least one child or dog on the sofa behind where I'm working. No one else in the house was really using it bar the dog so I claimed it.

C0untDucku1a · 15/08/2019 17:42

MY dh has a very identifiable hobby Grin (not really. Just your run of the mill hobby) that takes up a lot of room with little figures. Lots and lots of little figures. And tiny paint pots. Many, many tiny paint pots. If we move to a 4, rather than a 3 bed house (we have a son and a daughter), i will delight in giving him the fourth room as his keep-his-crap-out-of-the-rest-of-the-house space.

The living room will be mine Grin

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 17:43

Let him have his man cave. Mine has one.

He’s already got 2!

StroppyWoman · 15/08/2019 17:50

He's being an arse.

Enjoy your sewing room, it sounds a great idea!

P0wderPuff005 · 15/08/2019 17:53

My pet had their own room to themselves in one property I lived in, real luxury !

timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 17:54

So he had a garage, a shed and a room and you have nowhere? Nah, fuck that. He could throw his toys out all he wants, I'd not buy a house with someone that fucking selfish.

fuzzyduck1 · 15/08/2019 17:59

YABU

“He will already have the garage for DIY and the shed for gardening. I won't have anywhere.”
Hardly fun pass times gardening and DIY and why can’t you share ?

Or are you old fashioned? In that case you have the kitchen as your own room.

Sounds fair to me.

Sorry if that sounds sexist but so does the gardening /diy thing.

In our house the spare bedroom is full of new van parts waiting to be fitted. Garage full of motorbikes (shared) shed full of gardening and random stuff, cupboard under the stairs full of tools (we live in a bungalow)

So much to do so little time.

Think we need a bigger house.

EggysMom · 15/08/2019 18:00

Tell him he can have the bigger bedroom, and you'll take the smaller bedroom as your craft grotto. This is because you understand that you both need dedicated chill-out space, and you are a really generous person.

Mention about a week later that he'll have to fit not only his desk/pc for WFH but also a spare double bed in there for guests Grin

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2019 18:06

Working from home one day a week won't mean he needs the whole room devoted exclusively to that. Tell him to get over himself and that it'll be handy to have the spare bed there when he wants a nap on his working from home afternoons Grin

flyingspaghettimonster · 15/08/2019 18:09

If you sew, you absolutely should have a sewing room! Make a deal, both rooms get pull out beds, but one is his and one is yours. Guests don't need rooms kept free for them, far better to live in them yourselves.

If we ever have a spare room I am having a sewing room. If we ever have two spare rooms, I am having a sewing room and a walk in fabric storage room for my preciouses 😂

SolitudeAtAltitude · 15/08/2019 18:12

So easy though, honestly

Use the bigger room as "your" room, and get a sofa bed instead of a double

Or are you expecting weekly guests who would want a "proper bed"?

mrsm43s · 15/08/2019 18:13

Does he really have the garage and the shed? It sounds to me like they are used for DIY/gardening as opposed to his space. A bit sexist and a bit like saying that you have the kitchen and utility as your space because you're a woman and its used for cooking and laundry.

It seems reasonable, in a 3 bed house, for there to be one room that you use as joint bedroom, and then one room each as your own. If he wants his to be a study, and you want yours to be a sewing room, then fine. If you would prefer for yours to be a spare bedroom rather than a sewing room, then that's your choice. He would clearly rather that his was a study than a spare room, and given that he works from home, that seems fair enough. Having a spare room is a choice, not a necessity.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 19:31

It’s clear from the OP that he does do DIY and gardening - both of those are optional.

OP on the other hand may not do any cooking, and if DH eats he uses it too, so there’s no reason for it to be OP’s ‘space’.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/08/2019 19:35

There are only 2 of you. Surely if one of you has your own room then the other will use the living room? Just shove a bed or sofa bed in there as well. 99pc of the time it will be his 'own room' but if you have enough guests to need 2 spare rooms then there wont be any time to disappear off to have alone time.