To not think it's fair for one person to have their own room while the other doesn't?

[MrsGideon]

My DH and I are in the process of buying our first home. We're very fortunate in that we've been able to buy a three bedroom house, however the second and third bedrooms are quite small. We've earmarked the second bedroom as a spare room and will put a double bed in there, but DH has decided that the third bedroom will be his study.

I have no problem making that bedroom a study, but I want to put a single pull-out chair bed in there so it can double as another bedroom if we have multiple people staying. I've fully measured the room, and the chair bed I've got my eye on fits with plenty of room to spare when it's fully extended, alongside a desk, desk chair and the door etc.

DH has now thrown his toys out of the cot saying that he likes the idea of having his own space for "tinkering and working". He will already have the garage for DIY and the shed for gardening. I won't have anywhere.

AIBU in thinking this is selfish and to say to him "well we'll scrap the idea of having spare bedrooms at all and I'll take bedroom 2 for my sewing room"???

(Just as a disclaimer, he's great in every other way: does more housework than me; does all annoying life admin; happy to share the TV so I can watch Jane the Virgin; brings me breakfast in bed etc etc etc)

Have you pointed out that he already has the shed and the greenhouse?

Or could you covert the shed into a 'sewing shed' (seriously, get some furniture and make it a cosy little nook).

If he has 'his' space (and I understand the urge) then you need 'your' space.

DH and I live in a 4-bed house with a separate study. It is my job-related accommodation, so the study is mine (it's my place of work, although I am out a lot). The four bedrooms are our bedroom, the spare room, the 'upstairs lounge' with a sofa bed and TV where he can hide if I'm having a meeting in the lounge (though that rarely happens when he's around), and the smallest bedroom is his study. So we could accommodate 4 guests (2 in the spare room, 2 on the sofa bed) if necessary. I think the max we've accommodated is three, and only a handful of times.

When we retire, our specification includes space for 2 studies, because he likes to work with music and I need silence. It would be fine if one of them was also a spare room, because we probably wouldn't buy a house with this many rooms for ourselves. We just got given it to live in as long as I'm in this job.

Sofa bed and folding table in the spare room for your sewing room. My sewing room is small and doubles as a guest room but this wotks for me.

Decent airbed for the study. If DH is wfh one day a week I think a study is far better use of space than keeping a room for guests.

I wfh 3-4 days a week and imo it does require it's own room. I suppose it might depend on what you do, but I tend to have contracts etc that are sometimes printed and need to be at hand, Plus I work better on a larger monitor screen and it's better for your back and eyes to have a proper chair/desk set up. I cannot keep all that at the dining table.

However, I use the guest room which doubles up as an office and have a desk and a double bed in here. It (mostly) works fine to do that. The only downsides are having to tidy my stuff away before guests arrive so it looks welcoming and so they can use the desk as a surface to put things on etc.

Using the other bedroom as a part-time sewing room sounds very sensible. Whenever space is limited, all rooms must earn their keep.

It feels ok to me for him to have the study if it’s really important to him (and it’s not too important to you?). I don’t think things always have to be exactly equal in everything, there may be some things that you really really want in the future that he doesn’t, and maybe he will compromise with that? Maybe you could just let him have it? As long as he also lets you have things that you really really want?

First world problem.

Two adults squabbling over space in a large house.

I work from home full-time and my small workroom/office also has a single divan bed in it so I can fit in an extra guest if necessary - it still feels like my workroom/office and the surface of the bed is often used for bits of paper/extra files etc etc. A single pull-out chair bed would take up very little space and would hardly be noticed most of the time!

I’d wait a year because everyone will tell you they’re keen to visit you as you’re planning to move out of London, but rarely will they actually do it. Once, twice and then the novelty wears off.

I would use the 2 spare rooms to live how you want to in your home, so yes to being a study and sewing room. Guests can stay in a hotel. I hate staying in other people’s homes anyway.

Otherwise I would rather give over a room to DP and his clutter than have it earmarked for the odd guest. It’s a containment strategy

DP has a study, but I kind of have the rest of the house so it really is the only bit that is 'his' in the whole house.

Are you Monica and Chandler?

Is he allowed into your part of the house, @theendoftheendoftheend?

We live in a three bed, two doubles and a large single. DD is in the large single and we have a bedroom each. My bedroom is technically the guest room but it's my dressing room, my office, my escape place. My partner uses our room as his escape place, we only use it together for sleeping and *ahem

He has his bedroom decorated how he wants, and mine how I want.

whothedaddy that sounds incredibly civilized!

I would tell him that you need to buy a 4 bed house as once he’s got the garage, shed plus one of the bedrooms to himself that means no spare room for you for sewing unless you get the spare room then your more than happy for him to have the garage and shed.

So whats it to be, a 4 bed house or a 3 bed house.

I do think he's being selfish and needs to give his head a wobble!

However, in practical terms, I do also think it's quite possible to do both - bedroom and desk. We have the same issue - 3 bed house, and we occasionally have more than 2 people to stay, which leads to a dilemma, especially as the downstairs is open plan and thus not especially private for a temporary bedroom. We have commissioned a local furniture designed to create us a desk that will fold and be removable, so that the room can be converted to a bedroom when we need it. Wall-fixed shelves above will house all the crap that is normally on the current desk top, so that if we need to convert, it will just be a question of moving the computers we use. It's going to be a space for BOTH of us - two spaces, not one.

(I believe there is also a manufacturer that makes a desk that cleverly converts into a bed without even moving anything - am trying to find the link, but it was recommended to me by a Mumsnetter, so someone on here must know!!)

@speakout It's definitely not a large house. Two rooms downstairs plus garage; three rooms and a bathroom upstairs. Both 'spare' bedrooms are only just big enough for a double bed.

Also, half of Mumsnet is about first world problems!

I think he's being a bit childish throwing his toys out of the pram over the idea of a spare bed that would be in "his office" when you've promised him there will be plenty of space. Just sounds like he doesn't want to share something he views as his, even with occasional guests. Perhaps for now you should just agree that you will buy a small desk for the room so you can see how it goes and map out on the floor with masking tape where the bed / sofa bed would go so he can see that when he is working it really wouldn't encroach on his space. He should just be sitting at a bloody desk anyway and if he only works remote one day a week he shouldn't be keeping stacks of paper at home so shouldn't need any other furniture in the room. I can't imagine he will come up with a reason the sofa bed can't be there, what does he need the rest of the floor space for? Mid-conference call lunges?

This is a sign of male entitlement, and will only be worse once you buy the home/have dc. I would call a halt to it now. I am being completely serious by the way, he is telling you how much you are worth compared to him.

@EllesBells123

@verticality it’s a study bed - www.studybed.co.uk/

I would never ask guests to stay in a hotel. Fair enough if that's what other people feel more comfortable doing, but we like hosting people.

Plus, DH's family all live abroad so it would be nice to have somewhere for them to stay when they're visiting.

Anyway, I've had some great suggestions on here and I'm going to chat to him tonight about his needs and how they interact with mine.

Either you share all the rooms or you get an exclusive space EACH.
Our smallest bedroom is a study (almost exclusively my study on my wfh days). H has a very swish garden office (he calls it "the shed" but it's much nicer than that!) which is bigger than the study.

Haha when we moved into our house it had a tiny room, which DH earmarked as "his" (as a study/games room for his hobby). He then got a bit annoyed when I wanted the garage as my "workshop" (I do lots of DIY and woodwork), until I pointed out that he had his own space but I didn't.