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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly hate that DD5 is getting too close to her stepmother?

69 replies

bakewellcherry · 15/08/2019 14:35

I know I’m being unreasonable, but hear me out. Exdh picks the kids up on Friday evening, and he takes them to school on Monday. During the week they live with me. The dcs love going to their dads, especially DD5 to the point where sometimes she doesn’t want to come home. Exdhs lives with his partner of 18 months. She’s really sweet, and takes care of my dcs. They love her too. I’m happy they get on with her and like her, but I also feel sad that DD5 constantly talks about how much she misses exdhs partner during the week, she said that SM told her she will see her again on Friday so seems like DD5 was upset when they had to leave, so SM said this to comfort her?

I just feel like I’m this boring shouty get your bloody uniform on, chores and homework kind of mum, and SM is this young (7 years younger) fun, nice day outs, no telling off person.

Don’t know what I want from writing this post, just feel like a crap mum tbh. Just scared DD is going to get closer to SM as she gets older.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 15/08/2019 14:38

Why does your ex get every weekend? You deserve down time with kids at weekend.

cheesydoesit · 15/08/2019 14:40

YANBU to feel like that. Why is he getting every weekend? That's not right. What would happen if you said from next week it's EOW and an evening in the week?

HappyHammy · 15/08/2019 14:40

That's tough but you're a great mum and your dd loves you. Maybe time for dad to step up with helping during the week. Is he involved in the essential stuff. Would you be happy with that. Can he get her school and homework sorted too. Could she do some homework at the weekend.

CallmeAngelina · 15/08/2019 14:41

Isn't this one of the reasons why contact is so often every other weekend? So that it's not just one parent getting the daily grind of the school-run/homework etc, but also an opportunity to relax and do family stuff?

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2019 14:42

Don't you have them during the week during holidays etc to do fun things with?

Raphael34 · 15/08/2019 14:42

I agree. Why are you only getting the school days and they get the ‘fun’ days?

HollowTalk · 15/08/2019 14:43

You need some leisure time with the children, OP, and your ex needs some regular ordinary time with the kids, where he is not just a Disney dad.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 14:44

He shouldn't have them every weekend! Talk to him and explain you aren't getting any down time with the children and you need to divide the time better - EOW and he can have them a couple of nights in the week, or you get Saturday and he gets -Tuesday or something.

Of course SM will seem like magical unicorn mummy if they only ever see her for fun times!

Don't you miss them horribly every weekend? When do you ever get time to do fun things? How was this ever decided as the arrangement? Seems he's found a way of enjoying his kids whilst ditching all the shitwork Hmm

SometimesItRains · 15/08/2019 14:44

Agree with PP - you should be getting some weekend time with them too. I very much doubt she prefers stepmum to you, but she could easily prefer weekends to school days (as we all do) and as she only seems to spend weekends with her dad and stepmum then it means you miss out on that crucial time with her.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 14:45

@Bluntness

Don't you have them during the week during holidays etc to do fun things with?

Irrelevant. Holidays are a tiny percentage of their lives. Moreover that still leaves OP with all the hard work and none of the fun in term time.

Peasandcarrot · 15/08/2019 14:48

I don’t think the time is divided fairly tbh why don’t you get any weekend time to do fun stuff?

Of course your dc are going to have more fun there because the dad and stepmum are getting all the weekend fun time, they aren’t tied to times or homework like you are. They can go out and spend lovely time together which is brilliant but I think you should get the opportunity to do that too.

Its lovely that she’s such a nice step mum because that’s one less worry but I wouldn’t be happy with the current arrangement personally.

BlueSkiesLies · 15/08/2019 14:50

That arrangement is shit for you!

Needs to be EOW plus a Wednesday night or something at dads.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 15/08/2019 14:51

I did loads for my DSCs and we got on really well, they actively wanted to spend time with me. DH and I had them every weekend (their mum's choice as she wanted to spend weekends with her new partner). DSC's even nicknamed their mum Miss Nag. Guess who the DCs are closest to out of her and me? Their mum of course by a country mile (and rightly so). You will never be replaced no matter how lovely dad's new partner is.

Scorpiovenus · 15/08/2019 14:56

So no one has picked up that the jealousy is why some women don't want to accept the step kids because of basically how most of you have jumped straight on to cut his time, hes a Disney dad etc etc.

How condescending of you all. So were monsters if we don't wanna know but were monsters when we do. How is anyone meant to get on in a blended family with this going on.???

Peasandcarrot · 15/08/2019 15:03

Scorpiovenus

Everyone has picked up that the arrangement isn’t a fair division, no one as far as I have noticed has insulted the step mum or called her a monster.

The op is upset because she does the lions share of the grafting through the week and never gets to be the fun parent. Even 50/50 contact would be better for her in this situation because even if it meant seeing her children less at least she’d get chance to have some down time with them without having to wait for the school holidays to spend a full day having fun with her children.

Crosscrosscrackers · 15/08/2019 15:03

YANBU, it really hurts, but it sounds like you are being careful to manage this without making your DD aware of your feelings which is so important.

As others have said though it might be time to consider a different arrangement. My daughter went to dads every weekend up until school age where it changed to every other weekend exactly due to this.

RightYesButNo · 15/08/2019 15:04

I agree with absolutely everyone else. It’s not a great arrangement that your ex has every weekend, because then, as you have discovered, you get all the drudgery of being a parent (school uniforms, wake ups, homework) and they get all the weekend fun.

It almost seems Victorian - like you’re the nanny that keeps the children on track, and then ex-DH and his partner swoop in for short, fun jaunts, then return them to the “nursery” (that’s how parents used to care for children back then). This needs re-doing so that you get to have some fun with your children as well, so they develop plenty of memories that aren’t just “fun dad” and “strict mom.”

I’m so sorry, OP, as I’m sure this is stressing you Flowers but if should be easily fixable (if ex is reasonable). Yes to every other weekend and then doing one week night a week with their father. It will be good for your ex and his partner to have to deal with school uniforms, wake up times, etc.

Teacakeandalatte · 15/08/2019 15:08

No one says the dd shouldn't like her SM, or that the SM should do anything differently, but her mum shouldn't feel she is stuck with making them do all the boring things like school run and homework and never gets to be the fun parent having a lie in and going on a nice day out.

Bishalisha · 15/08/2019 15:08

Oh bless you OP.

You feel like that because at the moment you ARE the boring one. Why are you doing all the weekday drudge and having no down time with your children? That arrangement is completely unfair.

Can you suggest he has every other weekend and when you have them on the weekend he has them the Monday and Tuesday night to balance it out?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2019 15:12

How did the current arrangement start OP? If it’s not working then I’m sure you could change it. Interesting though how EOW dads are viewed as not doing enough or being involved and EW dads are mean for stealing all the fun times.

We have my DSC every weekend and an evening or overnight midweek, mutual decision and we do plenty of boring stuff including homework. Mum does her own thing most weekends and on the odd occasion she wants them for a family get together or whatever she asks for them.

Scorpiovenus bit rich you weighing in on this when you’ve had so many threads recently about having your DPs son for 5 hours a week and don’t feed or clothe him Hmm

TheGrapefulDread · 15/08/2019 15:14

Why does he get all the prime time with the children ? If you deduct school hours and sleep time how many hours do you actually get to share with kids - seems out of kilter to me.

Travis1 · 15/08/2019 15:15

Why does he have every weekend? That's your biggest issue. Can it be alternated so ex does more of the humdrum stuff too?

Teacakeandalatte · 15/08/2019 15:15

I do want to add that dc know deep down that their seemingly boring strict parent loves them and will always want their mum, and when they are older they will come to understand what you did for them. It is nice that they have a lovely SM but she won't replace you in their affections.

ChristmasFluff · 15/08/2019 15:17

How ridiculous to suggest EOW as 'the solution'!

My exH had my DS every weekend - because he wanted to share his life and he worked long weekday hours. Why 'punish' him for choosing a nice new partner? I was really happy when ExH got a lovely partner (and now wife). As has been said by a PP - I will always be his mum. I am the one he wants to go with him for exam results, I am the one he goes to with problems.

Yes, there may be a 'Disney' aspect to weekends - but a Dad who is choosing to have their child every weekend is trying to be the best father they can. After all, if they work all week, they are also giving up their 'free' time at the weekend, every weekend. That shows a real desire to parent their child.

Of course, there will be times when there is jealousy at the start - but it becomes amazing to know your child has this new person to love and rely on, and to love them back.

I'd also add that weekdays can be massive fun too. Never underestimate the power of the little fun moments, multiplied over all the days.

Jellybeansincognito · 15/08/2019 15:19

Yanbu, but this will always be the case sadly whilst your ex gets every weekend with your kids.
If it wasn’t the SM, they’d be feeling that way about their dad.

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