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Original poster

To secretly hate that DD5 is getting too close to her stepmother?

69 replies

bakewellcherry · 15/08/2019 14:35

I know I’m being unreasonable, but hear me out. Exdh picks the kids up on Friday evening, and he takes them to school on Monday. During the week they live with me. The dcs love going to their dads, especially DD5 to the point where sometimes she doesn’t want to come home. Exdhs lives with his partner of 18 months. She’s really sweet, and takes care of my dcs. They love her too. I’m happy they get on with her and like her, but I also feel sad that DD5 constantly talks about how much she misses exdhs partner during the week, she said that SM told her she will see her again on Friday so seems like DD5 was upset when they had to leave, so SM said this to comfort her?

I just feel like I’m this boring shouty get your bloody uniform on, chores and homework kind of mum, and SM is this young (7 years younger) fun, nice day outs, no telling off person.

Don’t know what I want from writing this post, just feel like a crap mum tbh. Just scared DD is going to get closer to SM as she gets older.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 15/08/2019 15:20

Do you also have a partner, OP?

It is easy for posters to suggest that a more equal share of weekends is 'the answer' but there may be other things in play here.

After I had split with exh (2 years later) I had a new dp. When dc were with us there were things we could do because there were 2 adults in the house, when exh had them, he was on his own. With me, the dc could have more individual attention. I could hunt for garden insects with dc2 while newdp studied astronomy with dc1...

Over 20 years, every step of the relationship has been a continual negotiation and re-negotiation. Exh's partners, their families, who spends Christmas with whom, how we approach significant events like dc graduation, marriage etc.

Just saying because it's never as simple and black and white as 'EOW plus one day per week'. To navigate the next 20 years, you have to find ways to communicate, compromise.

And also, agree 100% with pp.. my dc love my dp (call him stepdad) appreciate him as a person, and all that he does and has done in their lives. But they know their bio dad is the DAD.

Andysbestadventure · 15/08/2019 15:20

To repeat other posters, why does he get every weekend? Fuck that. Share the week and alternate weekends.

floodypuddle · 15/08/2019 15:21

Op I know my step children aged 5 and 6 love me but they know who their mother is. It's just not the same thing, you need to start thinking of their relationship as more akin to that of what a nanny might have with a charge because I'm convinced this is how the children feel about it.

Agree with pp though. You do need to be having some weekends and ex having one or two weeknights instead otherwise where is your fun downtime?

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 15:23

@ChristmasFluff

After all, if they work all week, they are also giving up their 'free' time at the weekend, every weekend. That shows a real desire to parent their child

Give the man a medal, wanting to parent his own child Hmm If that's the case he'll be up for swapping half the weekends for 2/3 days of week time, so he can experience ALL that parenting entails, not just the nice bits with no time pressures to allow the OP to also spend leisure time with her children. Won't he? It's hardly a punishment. Just fairness.

Myriade · 15/08/2019 15:23

I agree. You need to spend time with your children at the weekend too. Not the least because you and them need some time together doing fun stuff so the pressure of school etc...

NettleTea · 15/08/2019 15:25

I expect the every weekend situation has come around to fit with OPs ex when the kids were little, and to accommodate him working with as little disruption to him as possible. It is usual to change contact once school starts - precisely for this reason - I would be going back at looking at how this can be done - maybe EOW and 2 nights in the week of the 2nd week? There is no reason why the same amount of days cannot be spread a little more easily. And the children need to have some fun times with mum too.

Andysbestadventure · 15/08/2019 15:25

"After all, if they work all week, they are also giving up their 'free' time at the weekend, every weekend. That shows a real desire to parent their child."

So does working all week, doing the parenting monday to friday and then having to hand your kids over ever weekend, having minimal fun free time with them. Imagine how hard that is!

Your post is utterly ridiculous, too @ChristmasFluff.

Vasya · 15/08/2019 15:26

You should definitely get some weekends too - it's not fair that they always get to be fun dad and and stepmum and you have to be routine mum.

Why not see if you can switch it up so you get EOW and they get her an extra day during the week?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2019 15:26

If that's the case he'll be up for swapping half the weekends for 2/3 days of week time, so he can experience ALL that parenting entails, not just the nice bits with no time pressures to allow the OP to also spend leisure time with her children

Who says he won’t? Nowhere does OP say she was forced or court ordered into the current arrangement. She was presumably fine with it until her DD started getting attached to her SM. If both parents are working then OP IS getting more “time off” than her ex. She does no parenting Friday night to Monday morning.

bluebeck · 15/08/2019 15:29

Of course DD wants to spend time with them/her - it's her down time!!

Agree totally with PP. The issue here is that you have agreed he can have DD every weekend. This has to stop. EOW plus a couple of evenings after school instead.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 15:32

@AnnieLovesGilbert

Who says he won’t? Nowhere does OP say she was forced or court ordered into the current arrangement. She was presumably fine with it until her DD started getting attached to her SM. If both parents are working then OP IS getting more “time off” than her ex. She does no parenting Friday night to Monday morning

Well who indeed says he won't? If he will, all is well.

Only the OP can explain how they came to this arrangement. But my guess would be it suited the DP because it means apart from one pick up and one drop off he doesn't have to concern himself with:

A) arranging work hours or childcare to accommodate school pickups
B) Taking leave to look after child if off school sick
C) Weekly menu planning and managing the mayhem of getting lively children back home, fed, washed, brushed and into bed at a reasonable hour to be fit for school in the morning
D) dragging reluctant children out of bed and into uniforms, fed and clean and out the door on time to drop off at school...

You know, the WORK.

TheCatThatDanced · 15/08/2019 15:32

You need downtime e.g. weekends with the kids too or you'll be the 'school-time/go to bed' week mum and they'll be treat time parents.

TwentyEight12 · 15/08/2019 15:32

I think that if everyone is getting along well and the child is happy with how things are then I don’t see what the issue is.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 15:33

And I'd say that while everything I have written above is presumption, it is no less massive than the presumption the OP was 'fine with it' until DD started getting close to SM. Who on earth would be fine with never having a day out with their kids?

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 15:35

@TwentyEight

I think that if everyone is getting along well and the child is happy with how things are then I don’t see what the issue is

Because the OP isn't happy and is concerned she doesn't have enough quality time with her children? Her feelings do also count. Unless you think her children will be negatively impacted by spending every other weekend with their mum?

Pikapikachooo · 15/08/2019 15:35

Not BU
Natural feelings aside it might be time to revisit custody as you have a fairly shitty deal Flowers

EarringsandLipstick · 15/08/2019 15:35

Agree with @weaningwoes 100%

The SM issue is a bit of a side issue but it really does seem unfair that OP isn't getting to have relaxed weekend time with her kids.

Absolutely it's more 'fun' for a 5 year old then the run-of-the-mill, up / out / school / work / homework / downtime / bed routine of the weekdays.

viques · 15/08/2019 15:38

It does sound as though you have the sticky end of the stick, is there any way you can start up a midweek fun evening for you and the kids? No activities or homework (if that's possible with older kids) , dinner out or pizza , bought in or home made , at home. Family film with pop corn and hot chocolate. Phones and tablets off.

Pollypenguin01 · 15/08/2019 15:38

This seems to always happen when the ex gets the kids every weekends.

Why can’t you share the weekends and the shit work?
If the DC dad gets to Disney dad every weekend then your relationship with your DC will clearly suffer, it’s just a fact of life that if the DC do the school, homework, bed, chores with you but the fun weekends out, playing all day, spending time bonding with your ex then they are going to prefer going to your ex.

Jaxhog · 15/08/2019 15:39

You need some fun time with them too. Otherwise, they'll always like their 'Disney' dad and she'll always be the lovely 'snow white'.

TwentyEight12 · 15/08/2019 15:41

@weaningwoes

I didn’t mean to offend you.

I was thinking about the child’s needs coming first as that it what I understood was the most important thing?

Obviously I got that wrong.

Apologies

Hidingtonothing · 15/08/2019 15:43

Totally agree with PP's advice about practical changes, that's a very unequal split of fun-time and daily grind you have currently. Also wanted to say that I was the SM in this situation and I felt awful about it, I hated the idea that anyone thought I wanted to 'take over' and that it was hurtful to DSC's mum. It was a phase with DSD, the novelty of me wore off and although we're still really close (she's 20 now) she's much closer to her mum, and rightly so. I just wanted you to know this is probably not just bothering you, if she's nice it's likely bothering her too but it's not really anything either of you can help, except by the practical changes mentioned upthread.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 15:44

I just feel like I’m this boring shouty get your bloody uniform on, chores and homework kind of mum

You are; because you get them during the week and have to do all the 'boring' Mum stuff, whereas SM gets to do all the fun stuff.

Agree with others; it's time to switch this around a bit so you get some fun time at the weekend with them too. Could you switch to him having them Sunday morning - Weds?

Teddybear45 · 15/08/2019 15:47

You should split the weekends. It’s not fair that he gets all the fun leisure time and none of the actual parenting time.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 15/08/2019 15:51

It's hard OP and I honestly feel for you. Exdh has DC everyother weekend for the whole weekend and in between has them on the Sunday so I get the week and every other Saturday.

I don't have another women in the mix but the DC get all the boundaries and boring stuff with us and none with exdh. He lives in his mother's spare room and of course has no ties. So he gets to be Disney dad. Hes not a bad person it's just the way it works out. So of course with such limited time he let's themndonwhat they like.

Dp and I are the ones that tell them to eat properly brush their teeth etc. It means they are constantly asking when they are going to daddies. When is daddy picking them up, daddy is so much fun.

I find it harder , DP is philosophical about it. He comes from the point if view that our job is to mould them into decent adults and it's easier to be the nice ones when it's two days a week. Less expensive, less need for boundaries., and that when they are adults they will see we did the right thing by them.

I guess I am just saying I get it.....I'd love to be the fun one , and I do try , I make a point of doing things with them on my weekend. However I realise I also have to get them to doctors appointments, opticians appointments etc etc...none of which exdh does.

I have to remind myself my job as main carer and mum is unfortunately being the bad guy a lot and just pray they can see when older that I was doing the right thing by them.

However i honestly get it....the drudge bit is not fun, just remember it's easier to be liked and fun when you see them for the non pressurised bit of the week. Keep on keeping on....they will grow into great adults and you will know you played a part in that. It's harder to do the right unpopular thing than it is to be fun.

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