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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I send the text...

36 replies

Fakehair83 · 15/08/2019 12:14

Myself and ex broke up two years ago he wS having an affair.,,we had been together 14 years grew up together etc.

His friends became my friends one in particular I was very close too would have been in contact with more than husband organising get togethers etc,

Anyway when we broke up it wasn’t so much that they took sides but I had my own friends and didn’t want to be in my exs company in social gatherings so I backed off.

This friends in particular is getting married and told me he wanted me at the wedding and to save any awkwardness neither me or ex would have a plus one for the day...fair enough. I have met someone new and I am very happy ex is still with the OW.

When the invites came I got one just for me and from talking to ex (we have a child together) it transpires he got a plus one and obviously is bringing the gf. I declined my invite said I didn’t want to cause any argument and as ex was groomsman he should be able to enjoy the day fully. If im honest I was very hurt the OW was invited as me and this friend had been very close.

Today is the wedding day and I’m in two minds as to whether to text a good luck message or just say nothing as I don’t really feel they deserve my ‘good luck’

OP posts:

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 12:18

Send the good luck text, when they go low go high. At least you know you’ve held you head high and acted in a way you can be proud, but accept the friendship has run its course and close this chapter.

sheshootssheimplores · 15/08/2019 12:20

Send a good luck message. You’ll feel better for doing it even if you don’t 100% mean it. Let them have their day xx

Couchpotato3 · 15/08/2019 12:20

Don't send it. You'll never know what really happened with friend and what CFery may have gone on to get that plus one.

Go and do something nice for yourself instead or go out with your new partner.

GiveMeHope103 · 15/08/2019 12:21

I would just leave it be. No text or anything. I personally think he did a shitty thing to have her there given the history especially after telling you there would be no plus ones.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 15/08/2019 12:22

It must hurt like hell but I wouldn't expect your ex's friend to exclude the OW when he's still close enough to them to be a groomsman, especially as they were his friends first.

As pp said I think you need to accept this friendship has reached run its course

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 15/08/2019 12:25

Tbh I think he only had him as groomsman as we had him as ours...

When this all happened people hold me how people’s true colours would show even though I am so happy now in my new life it still hurts that people didn’t really care after all

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/08/2019 12:25

I think I'd send it. It wont make you feel any worse but may make them feel a tad guilty. Then leave it.

Wasrelaxing · 15/08/2019 12:27

Are you sure the ex didn't just tell you that the OW was invited so that you would decline the invite. Once declined he would be able ask if the OW could now come......

MRex · 15/08/2019 12:30

Why would this friend have gone to the effort of mentioning the +1 to you? Occam's razor suggests your ex didn't get a +1 at all, but hoped you would feel bad and wouldn't go if he said he did. And he got his own way.

Send a text, it'll take less effort than overthinking this.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 15/08/2019 12:34

Have the married couple met your new partner though? If your ExP and the groom have socialised and his new parter is known to that social circle, then no, I dont see why she would be excluded. Especially as he has a role as a groomsman.

I think its quite juvenile that two people, who apparently share a child, both with new partners, cant be in the same room. There's a whole lot of growing up needed to be done, because if you are in any way bothered about/by the OW, then you arent fully invested in your new P. Thats the bottom line. If you were, they other two wouldnt even get on your radar.

Today is the wedding day and I’m in two minds as to whether to text a good luck message or just say nothing as I don’t really feel they deserve my ‘good luck’

I doubt your 'good luck' or not, will have any impact on their life.

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 15/08/2019 12:36

No they haven’t met the new gf...as they are very on and off. She hasn’t met any of the group of friends today will be the first.

Not sure about the plus one being a lie to get me not to go as the friend told me if I changed my mind my place would be there for me so I’m unsure

OP posts:

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 15/08/2019 12:38

I know mygood luck won’t impact their life...the same way you’re arsey comment won’t affect mine.

OP posts:

Joopy · 15/08/2019 12:39

Send it, be the bigger person

frazzledasarock · 15/08/2019 12:44

I would leave it.

I can understand how hurtful it is. And also how upsetting it would have been for you if you’d turned up alone and ex and OW was there.

They should have given you a plus one as well.
M

Bowerbird5 · 15/08/2019 12:44

Agree with Joopy. Send it and be the bigger person.

They may wish they hadn’t invited her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/08/2019 12:45

Will sending the good luck message make you feel happy - as if you have done the right thing for you, in your situation, @Fakehair83? That is all that matters, in my opinion.

If sending the message would make you feel bad, as if you have sold yourself out, then don't send it. If sending it would make you feel like you have done the right thing, and will make you feel good about what you have done, then send it.

Personally, I would send the message, because I would prefer to think I had been the bigger person, but I don't think either option is right or wrong - just right or wrong for you, and I wouldn't judge anyone who made a different choice from me.

SonEtLumiere · 15/08/2019 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Themutts · 15/08/2019 12:50

If you're doing it because you genuinly wish them luck and love, then send it. If you're sending it because you want them to feel bad because they let you down- don't!

Be the best version of yourself you can be.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2019 12:51

@IAskTooManyQuestions
I cannot agree with you there. This woman isn’t a new partner. Her being on the scene was the reason for ops marriage ending and the reason op is sharing custody with her ex. It has nothing to do with moving on with a new partner and much more to do with the ex and ow not respecting op and carrying on behind her back.

I would send the text. You don’t know why she was invited and you don’t know if she was actually invited. This could be your ex manipulating the situation as he doesn’t want you to be friends with his friends.

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 15/08/2019 12:52

I sent it!

I sent it because they were friends I cared a lot for and I do hope they have a great marriage. I was unsure of sending it because I didn’t want to be seen as either needy or bitchy.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/08/2019 12:52

I wouldn't say good luck, that seems an odd thing to say for a wedding, but I'd probably send a "Congratulations and have an amazing day" message, to rise above it all, if I wanted to stay friends.

If it's all done now, leave it be. I'm also suspicious over ex's plus one, it's not like your friend can have thought you wouldn't notice if he gave ex a plus one and not you so it'd be a weird thing for friend to lie about... but it's water under the bridge.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/08/2019 12:53

Cross-posts! Glad you've got it sorted

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2019 12:54

Anyway, you're hurt because of thr affair and the fact she's being included, possibly at his request, but clearly everyone thinks you've all moved on, and you haven't, you're still hurting.

It's difficult to tell a groomsman his partner isn't invited, even if that Was their original plan. I suspect they just want drama free.

Send it and be the bigger person and try to see if from their side. And don't play silly games where you're trying to decide if you should punish them by not sending it or if they deserve it. It's just s text and means nothing,

sofato5miles · 15/08/2019 13:03

Send the text and I would have gone. OW or not.

And I agree with the being a grown up and moving on. OP says she is happy.

There are no morality police and most people are not over invested in other people's relationships.

bluegirlgreen · 15/08/2019 13:07

@Fakehair83

I would not send ANYthing. Ignore, block, and ghost.

Cheeky twunt.

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