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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to stay at BIL’s?

38 replies

30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:04

My DP’s parents live abroad but are coming over for 10 days. They are going to see his brother first who lives 300 miles from us, flying into the city near him then has asked DP to come down and stay with his brother for 4 nights with DS so his brother can see him and then we all go back up to our house together.
AIBU to not want to go? I suffer from anxiety and IBS, which triggers when I’m away from home and out of my comfort zone. I would much rather not have to try and get the time off work and stay at home and get the house ready for their arrival!
DP wants me to come and his brother is always nice and accommodating but I just don’t fancy 4 nights away and a squashed 5 hour car journey. He says that I never go to things with his family (I do) but they usually always mean time off work or staying away.
I don’t really deal with staying at others houses or being away well. I don’t really enjoy them staying with us but it’s not too bad as I’m in my comfort zone, we have our own en suite they don’t use etc.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:08

He will be unfortunately taking DS if I go or not so his brother can see him and they aren’t losing time with him. I don’t like the thought of being away from him but he’s his dad and I obviously trust him very much so. Just my anxiety worries about things like if their in an accident and I’m not there or crazy things! But it’s the choice of 2 evils!

OP posts:
IAskTooManyQuestions · 15/08/2019 12:11

You really need to get councelling or therapy, no one should live such a restricted life with anxiety.

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:14

I’ve had CBT therapy twice now, I’m a bit better day to day it’s just things like being away, stressful events etc that can trigger it.
I take a high dose of Citalopram which I’ve recently had to start reducing as it was causing me to have a heart issue, so I’m not in the best state anyway at the moment as struggling when the withdrawal etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:15

*with the withdrawal

OP posts:
headlock · 15/08/2019 12:15

I completely get where you're coming from OP. IBS and anxiety can be really restricting and make staying at other people's houses worrying. Do they have more than one toilet?

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:18

@headlock they have a downstairs small toilet that backs on to their kitchen so it’s quite obvious what you’re doing in there! Then just a shared bathroom upstairs.
I also have quite bad emetophobia (phobia of vomiting) god I sound crazy! But that means if my IBS flares up and causes me to be nauseous I can have panic attack’s which are made worse by being out of my comfort zone/ having to try and hide it from everyone due to embarrassment.

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:20

I did click to allow voting on this but it seems to have disappeared so if anyone votes i’m sorry I can’t see it Confused

OP posts:
headlock · 15/08/2019 12:23

Not crazy at all!! Anxiety is hard to live with, especially when it causes this kind of physical symptoms. Do your in laws know about your IBS? I find if I just explain quietly to a member of the household I'll be staying at that I have 'funny tummys' it does help to reduce the anxiety aspect. Tummy troubles are pretty common. 💐

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/08/2019 12:25

I assume your partner is well aware of your medical issues, and surely wouldn't object to your being home.

Can you organise to Skype/FaceTime with him and DS whilst they are away, to put any concerns to bed?

I do feel for you OP, it all sounds terribly debilitating.

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:28

@headlock Yes they do as they also know I was having tests to check it wasn’t anything more sinister last year. I don’t think they quite understand the anxiety being a trigger aspect of it, his Dad doesn’t really bother either way but I think his mum thinks I use it as an excuse as they are very sociable people who spend a lot of time with and staying at other people’s houses so they really don’t understand my dislike of it if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:32

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thank you. He is aware as I also get a lot of bleeding and weight loss so I’ve had several other tests to check it wasn’t Crohn’s disease etc. He also knows if I have anything coming up or have been a bit stressed he won’t see much of me as I’ll be in the bathroom all day!
He says that he’s sure his family thinks he makes me up as they never see me. I don’t mind as much if we stay in a hotel then I kind of have a base to go back to and not be around anyone if I do get panicky, but I think with them being such a sociable family they do struggle to understand and I worry they think it’s an excuse.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 15/08/2019 12:44

Why can’t his brother just come down to you with his parents?

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 12:56

@TheFlis12345 That would be easier wouldn’t it, save poor DP doing a 10 hour round trip! Confused He apparently can’t get the time off work.

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 15/08/2019 12:57

I hate staying away. I would get my DH to go up and just enjoy the peace at home!

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 15/08/2019 13:53

Can you use an excuse/can’t get time off?

If not be honest and say IBS flares away from home, can you stay home get ready and enjoy them when they get to you?

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 15/08/2019 14:03

Maybe just say that you can't get the time off work. It's not as if you won't see them if they're staying with you for 4 nights

muddledmidget · 15/08/2019 14:12

Could you go but get a hotel/air bnb flat nearby for the 4 days so you have your own space and bathroom but are still there? I find it easier if I can have time in the morning to get myself to psyche myself, and to know that I'm going back to my own space in the evening

Ohmygoodnessreally · 15/08/2019 14:13

Why do you say it would ‘save poor dp doing a 10 hour round trip’? If his brother did it, he’d be the poor person doing a 10 hour round trip wouldn’t he...?

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 14:21

@Skyejuly I like your thinking to be honest!
@Allgirlskidsanddogs @Fizzpopwhizzbang I think that’s what I’m going to say to be honest as it is short notice for work anyway.
@Ohmygoodnessreally As it always seems to be him that has to do the travelling 9 times out of 10. We go to everyone but except for his parents in 7 years no one has come up to us.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 15/08/2019 14:22

I have both these issues too OP, have IBS (which is definitely triggered by stress!) and hate being away from home so I can totally sympathise.

PIL's live 200 miles away and I tried really hard with visits when DC were small but we haven't been to visit now for about 10 years, there are other reasons but my stress (and the inevitable result on my stomach) is a big part of it. Just the worry that I might have a flare up is enough to make me stressed (no one likes having an upset stomach in someone else's house) so it's a vicious circle but not one I can really control.

Lots of people don't understand (lucky them!) but it's an illness, and one which does affect and restrict your life unfortunately. Sounds like DH might need reminding of that, ask him if he would want to travel with food poisoning or a gastro bug because it's not so dissimilar when it's a bad flare up? He also needs to put other people straight if they imply you're being ignorant or precious, no one can help being ill.

If you were trying to restrict what DH or DC could do that would be one thing but you're not, you're just trying to avoid an unpleasant physical reaction to a trip you don't need to take which is entirely reasonable. I would be reminding DH that just because you generally 'get on with it' and don't let your condition get you down that doesn't mean you don't struggle and he should support you in not making life more unpleasant for yourself than you have to Flowers

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 14:22

@muddledmidget I’d have hell to pay if I suggested a hotel Hmm I don’t know why his parents are against it? They get really offended if you don’t want to live in their pockets for the full 2 weeks or so they are over!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 14:23

Just don't go. Send off DH and DS and enjoy a few days of peace and quiet.

Hidingtonothing · 15/08/2019 14:29

They get really offended if you don’t want to live in their pockets

Yes! PIL's are like this, we tried suggesting our own accommodation and were told 'well there's no point in you coming if you're not going to be with us all the time' Shock No idea why it matters where we sleep but apparently it does!

namby · 15/08/2019 14:31

Ok get your CBT hat on, what could you do to break it down and make it more manageable? Travel down alone? (sorry couldn't see if you were travelling with the parents, that would be a trigger for me), what is the toilet situation in their house? Could you stay in a travelodge?

Original poster
30somethingmama · 15/08/2019 14:33

@Hidingtonothing Thank you so much for your reply Flowers it’s lovely to speak to someone who knows where I am coming from.
It’s hard because if I get bad I can be on the toilet up to 15 times a day until it’s just blood (sorry TMI) and then if I feel sick I then get panic attack’s due to my emetophobia and I end up just having to take an anti sickness tablet which then makes me drowsy and I just have to shut myself away really. If this happens at home it’s not pleasant but is easier to deal with than if I’m away. I think the fact I have to hide this due to embarrassment really when I’m around anyone other than DP or my parents it actually makes it worse. I’ve been over to Turkey where his parents live several times but every time at some point in the 2 weeks I’ve had panic attack’s and had to shut myself away upstairs, then making me look ignorant. DP just tends to say I’m having one of my ‘funny turns’ which I imagine causing lots of eye rolling.
His grandfather died 10 days after DS was born and I was made to feel like the devil by his mother for not wanting to do the 4-5 hour trip while still bleeding with my 10 day old son to go! That’s what I’m up against if that makes sense.
As you say though, although I miss him terribly and I worry like mad cos I’m his mum, I don’t stop him from taking DS anywhere cos he’s his father and I trust him and I can’t let my issues stop him from having time with his fathers side of the family.

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