AIBU to not want to stay at BIL’s?

[30somethingmama]

My DP’s parents live abroad but are coming over for 10 days. They are going to see his brother first who lives 300 miles from us, flying into the city near him then has asked DP to come down and stay with his brother for 4 nights with DS so his brother can see him and then we all go back up to our house together.
AIBU to not want to go? I suffer from anxiety and IBS, which triggers when I’m away from home and out of my comfort zone. I would much rather not have to try and get the time off work and stay at home and get the house ready for their arrival!
DP wants me to come and his brother is always nice and accommodating but I just don’t fancy 4 nights away and a squashed 5 hour car journey. He says that I never go to things with his family (I do) but they usually always mean time off work or staying away.
I don’t really deal with staying at others houses or being away well. I don’t really enjoy them staying with us but it’s not too bad as I’m in my comfort zone, we have our own en suite they don’t use etc.
Any advice?

@namby sorry I maybe didn’t make the plan clear in my OP. They originally were just going to come over for 10 days and stay with us. But then his brother said he would like to see them, which is understandable, but he can’t get time off work. So they have suggested they land in the airport nearest his brother (300 miles from us) and we then travel down to his brothers and meet them at his house, have 4 days at his house; then the 5 of us travel back to our house and have the remaining time at ours if that makes sense x

@namby they have one toilet adjoined to the kitchen which everyone can hear and another main bathroom upstairs, but I can guarantee every time I sneak off his dad knocks on the door needing the loo!
@Hidingtonothing I would love to stay in a hotel it would make me feel so much more relaxed I don’t understand why they like us to practically share a bed! I think as said previously as they’re so sociable they get offended that we don’t want to stay as they aren’t hospitable? But that isn’t the case - a girl just likes to use the loo without the worry I’m putting on a musical performance for everyone! At their house in turkey they literally have someone different staying with them every few weeks over summer so it doesn’t bother them at all having people stay or staying at others house - which is ok different folks different strokes and all that but it’s just the lack of understanding that not everyone enjoys that if that makes sense that causes upset.

Can't see the point in you spending 4 days at BILs house if BIL won't even be there much of the time (can't get the time off work). Sounds like your DH does not have a lot of empathy for your health conditions OP.

Yep, PIL's live in a holiday destination and have frequent visitors too, it's bloody hard finding any kind of compromise when your outlooks are so completely opposite and you know you're just labelled 'awkward'.

I've reached my 'fuck it' stage of life though (I'm 44) so I play to the role they've given me now. I honestly don't care if they think I'm awkward, their DS chose me and they can choose to love me as I am or not at all, it's outside my power because I can't change myself or my condition.

We actually get on better since I started sticking up for myself and stopped apologising for things I can't help, think it helped them stop thinking of me as weak and pathetic and realise I just have a condition I have to manage as best I can.

I didn't particularly enjoy going to visit my in-laws or them coming to stay, but they are my dh's family and if they lived abroad and he rarely saw them I would go out of my way to accommodate us seeing them as a family. If anyone couldn't get time off work, then that would restrict who could go where and would need to worked around.

Do they know you have IBS and how badly it impacts you? If not, I wouldn't blame them for the eyerolling. As it is a long-term condition you would be much better getting over your embarrassment and explaining it (or ask your dh) to them so they can make allowances or maybe understand why a hotel/travel lodge would be more convenient for you.

If you had a problem with another part of your body you would probably tell them. Nobody relishes a conversation about issues with their bowels (apart from my mum who seems to love the topic!), but it would be unfair to your dh to avoid only his family get togethers mainly because of your embarrassment.

My dniece has ulcerative colitis, she has had to be very open about it as she has been hospitalised 4 times this year already with flare ups and is glad everyone knows now as everyone is very understanding.

Brokenwing, I've always been open with my PIL's about my condition, and they've seen (and heard ) what I go through. The problem is that they don't understand (and so refuse to make allowances for) the relatively small things which would actually make it easier for me, like the aforementioned hotel room. It's very much 'their way or the highway' and yet I was always made to feel like the inflexible one. It's frustrating when a change in attitude and a bit of compromise would make all the difference, alongside not being viewed as awkward for something you can't help.

@TixieLix I agree it’s a bit pointless if you ask me? I can’t even be bothered to question it though as it will just cause arguments.
@Hidingtonothing I think you probably have the best attitude. I think half of my problem is caring what people think of me too much, where as if DP is happy with me what does it matter?
@BrokenWing They are aware as last year I went from 13st to under 10st due to how bloody awful I was feeling with it and not being able to eat much more than toast for a few months. They were aware I was back and forth for tests quite a lot too. But I’m not sure they understand the stress/being away from home trigger connection. I still think that they see it as I’m using it as an excuse. I know what you’re saying though and it’s better to be open about it but it’s hard when I actually have been and I’m sure they still think it’s an excuse. I literally think it’s a case of me being so different to them that they don’t understand anyone that doesn’t like having guests/being a guest.

@BrokenWing I’m very sorry to hear about your niece also

It's frustrating when a change in attitude and a bit of compromise would make all the difference, alongside not being viewed as awkward for something you can't help

This! I totally agree. All it takes is a bit of empathy and trying to see things from another persons point of view but they are very inflexible. As the previously mentioned wanted me to travel to go to a funeral when I had a 10 day old - it took his mother to talk to her sister who had grandkids and for her to say she could see my point and it’s actually not recommended for newborns to be in cars for a long time - to apologise to me and say she could see why I didn’t want to go and she was being selfish!

I don't have anxiety, IBS, emetophobia or any such thing.I'm also not anti social BUT nothing on God's earth would entice me to visit an in law many miles away when everyone would be coming to my house soon after.
Just bonkers.
Stick to your guns.
Let DH take DC's and you relax and get your house and yourself together and ready for visitors in your own time.
Best of luck Mx.

@maras2 well that made me feel a hell of a lot better that actually someone ‘normal’ couldn’t think or anything worse! Thank you!

*think of
I really need to start proof reading!

Maras2 makes a very good point - it's a mad plan and totally unnecessary. You have my sympathy as I have a condition that results in unpredictable need to use the bathroom. I would not be prepared to stay in such close quarters for those reasons and I think you just need to keep saying, my medical needs mean I need access to my own bathroom and kitchen. And keep saying it til they get the message.
You are not being rude!