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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say my 16yo isn’t going meeting girls he doesn’t know!

31 replies

Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 17:58

So. Let me give this some context!
My son has just turned 16. He has special needs and goes to a special school. He has impaired cognitive function and isn’t able to make rational decisions/ think things through/ understand what is socially ok and what isn’t. He’s on the autism spectrum and struggles with relationships and feelings.
He’s also (despite his difficulties) a developing 16 year old who likes music, playing football, and more recently, girls! I know this is normal and we’ve had the ‘chat’ but he doesn’t really understand this and just deflects the conversation. Last year, maybe to fit in with friends, he started a rumour himself that he’d had sex with a girl. This was categorically untrue and the girl told her mum what he was saying and mum told me. Son admitted it was made up as ‘everyone else says that stuff’. His special school is male only and his friends go to a mixed school so he does sometimes feel left out.
Like most kids he is on Facebook. I monitor this. Nothing untoward. But he has made friends with a girl that he is now constantly talking about. They’ve spoken on the phone and she plans to come down to meet him. She lives near by but not exactly local. She too is 16. Son wants to travel and meet her half way. Can’t say I’m thrilled. She doesn’t know him in terms of all his needs. No way has son told her and it’s not overly obvious on the phone. I don’t know anything about her (could be anyone!) and I’m really worried that they may partake in ‘stuff’ after a period that son won’t think to do safely. He’s already muted this is what ‘boyfriends and girlfriends do’. I got cross last night and did the psycho mother thing and told him straight. The ‘you’ve no idea what love is/ could be a 40yo bloke for all you know/ I don’t want grandkids’ etc etc. I know I can’t keep him locked away forever. And girls do indeed exist! But whether he acknowledges it or not, he’s highly vulnerable and I want to do the right thing to manage this. Grateful for any advice as I’m all out of ideas aside from moving to an uninhabited island with him! (And some gin) Smile

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 14/08/2019 18:03

You're right to be concerned as this 16 year-old girl could be a middle-aged man.

I doubt if it'll be easy to get your son to understand this though.

Just don't let him go. Tell him that the girl can come to your house instead.

bridgetreilly · 14/08/2019 18:08

You go with him and meet her together in a public place. If you get the sense that she is a safe person and that she is okay with it, you can go and sit somewhere else where you can see them, but let them have a conversation without you. If you aren't sure about that, then you don't do it.

In these particular circumstances, I think it would also be sensible for you to talk to the girl and/or her parents in advance, to explain a bit more about your son and decide with them whether it's a good idea for the meeting to go ahead.

EAIOU · 14/08/2019 18:12

Yeah agree to the chaperone aspect.

You can maybe sit a few tables away if it's a lunch date or cinema rows behind encase of cinema date.

Could you do that for him? Then tell him that's his only options right now.

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 18:39

Love all those ideas. I’m thinking, if it genuinely is a 16 year old girl, for her safety too, I don’t want her catching a train and travelling somewhere she’s never been so maybe a half way point, something pre arranged like cinema or a meal with me lurking nearby would be a great idea. Thanks so much guys for understanding Smile

OP posts:
flyingspaghettimonster · 14/08/2019 18:53

You are being a little unreasonable, in that at 16 and stuck in an all boy school he needs some way to meet girls.

I would chaperone to a cinema or somewhere.

Haworthia · 14/08/2019 18:59

You are being a little unreasonable, in that at 16 and stuck in an all boy school he needs some way to meet girls.

Have you missed the part about him having ASD and attending a special school and being highly vulnerable?

What a nightmare OP. I have a much younger son with ASD and I can’t bear to think about teenage stuff.

It’s also occurred to me that the girl, if she is who she says she is, might also get cold feet when his differences become apparent, IYSWIM, knowing myself how easy it is to hide your social awkwardness online Blush

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 19:27

It really is a bit of a nightmare!!!! I knew the day would come but doesn’t make it easier. I too thought about what the girl may think when she meets him in person. As in person it’s very obvious!!! The biggest issue here is he doesn’t understand. And sex is everywhere isn’t it. He wants to try it. I’m so worried about that Sad

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 14/08/2019 19:30

I hate to say this, but is their any possibility this girl is just taking the piss out of him? Might be something else to potentially prepare him for?

herculepoirot2 · 14/08/2019 19:35

Have they FaceTimed?

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 19:59

Yes. She could be taking the piss. And yes they’ve FaceTimed. So he says anyway.
I’ve found her on FB and she seems genuine. Profile goes back a long way. Family photos. Etc etc. But that’s not to say she’s not taking him for a ride. One of the reasons il deffo chaperone in case she doesn’t show up too I guess. Hadn’t even thought of that. I think I just assume everyone thinks he’s great like me!

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 14/08/2019 20:03

I’d definitely go along.

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 20:20

Deffo!!!!

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 14/08/2019 20:54

Usually I'd say I'm afraid at some point you have to take a leap of faith BUT with the additional information regarding your son in particular I think he'll need support from you (he won't agree of course!) for a little longer than most of his peers.

In these particular circumstances, I think it would also be sensible for you to talk to the girl and/or her parents in advance, to explain a bit more about your son and decide with them whether it's a good idea for the meeting to go ahead.

I think the advice above was a great idea.

Also it's probably been addressed above but the conversations around making up stories in the realm of sexual contact and relationships needs to really be explained over and over and reiterated as there are potentially serious consequences.

From bullying about lying to a thumping from a girls brother to a visit from the police to check the facts, these consequences would be really tough for DS to understand and work through.

Good luck OP and FWIW you sound like a lovely and responsible mum doing her best to balance his protection with his independence Thanks

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 21:21

Bless you thank you. Yep. Serious conversations needed. With him. And the girls parents (on the QT).
Thank you all ever so much for all your help and advice. The world of SEND is so tricky sometimes. I just want to get it right. Thank you again guys SmileStarFlowers

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 14/08/2019 21:25

Blimey, sounds fishy. WHy would she meet up with a boy who started a rumour about her? But would she travel out of her way just to get revenge? And from your son's point of view, if she doesn't know he has ASD, she may meet him and feel disappointed/scared/angry.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/08/2019 21:35

@31RueCambon

I think it's a different girl if I read the OP right, otherwise I'd be advising he's being set up for a battering unfortunately.

31RueCambon · 14/08/2019 21:37

ah right. Sorry, skimread Blush

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 14/08/2019 21:45

Hi, I’d probably discreetly chaperone. For example if he was meeting her in x town, then you go for a coffee nearby. Please don’t embarrass your son

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 22:02

I did say lurking in the background. I wouldn’t embarrass myself let alone my son by camping out next to him!!!

OP posts:
GreatWallOfVagina · 14/08/2019 22:12

Hi OP, I would definitely recommend that you do chaperone this first meeting just to ensure the safety of them both.

Unfortunately, the teenage years are difficult to navigate and I hate to bring this up but please do teach your son about consent. I say this because of a recent concern we have had with a friend's daughter who was assaulted by another teenager who did have special needs. He was not able to understand why he could not touch and kiss her and became quite forceful. It's difficult as everyone is sensitive to his disabilities, and finding the right support and help has been extremely difficult for all.

I wish you the best with all of this.

Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 22:22

Yep different girl! I wouldn’t be letting him go anywhere if it was the other girl!!
Going to arrange to meet half way. There’s a huge indoor shopping complex between us. They can go cinema/ go for food. And I can go shopping and meet them after a set period of time to go home.
I think to avoid any unwanted instances this can be the arrangement for meeting until
It hopefully burns out. He likes times and dates so we can schedule it for once monthly or something. He gets bored quite easily so I’m hoping that momentum continues! Ha

OP posts:
Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 22:24

@GreatWallOfVagina no danger of this. He’s no risk to anyone. He’s painfully shy and doesn’t actually like touch. Can’t tolerate hugs or handholding or kisses from any of us for example. It’s more him I’m worried about. She’ll be fine!

OP posts:
Original poster
Megamini27 · 14/08/2019 22:27

@31RueCambon true. But if that’s how she felt she wouldn’t be welcome in our home anyway. I’ve no time for people who would be scared or angry with someone who has autism. Off she may pop! Smile

OP posts:
Singinginshower · 14/08/2019 22:29

There's always the possibility that the girl may have similar social difficulties, so you may see her parent lurking near too.

Cheeserton · 14/08/2019 22:30

until hopefully it burns out
Why?? If, just if, it turns out she's alright and understands him better than you suppose, why wouldn't you want something nice for him? I get the initial concerns totally, but why hope it burns out rather than comes good? As you said, you can't protect him forever with relationships.