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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Watching partners kids while he’s at work

42 replies

Lbarn98 · 14/08/2019 17:30

My partner has two kids one 6 the other 11 years old. Luckily they both really like me! Some stuff has recently happened and my partner now wants the kids to stay at our house every other week. He said this would happen starting Sunday and I was okay with it. Except today out of the blue he said they would be coming over once he got off work to stay until Sunday. Which means I’d be watching them everyday while he’s at work. I’m 13 weeks pregnant right now not sure if that matter or not but I feel overwhelmed I feel like I’m being pushed into things and I have no say so on anything. Like I said I don’t have a problem watching the kids I just feel nervous for some reason. I am also sick right now so I guess I’ll be watching his kids while I’m sick?

OP posts:
Whatjusthappenedthere · 14/08/2019 17:40

Something in the children’s life has gone in an unexpected direction. He may well be in the wrong for relying on you to help out. You sounds as though you may be inexperienced? But from my own experience the children are central and if you can play a part in damage control then I hope for their sake you can. Not your problem to solve but if you have it in you hopefully you could make a difference , FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 17:42

How often every week are expected to have them?

QueenofallIsee · 14/08/2019 17:44

Absolutely no way would I be watching my partners children every single day without the courtesy of a discussion. I’d be looking blank and asking what time they will all be back for tea as of course he will be using a child minder! Cheeky fecker!

JoJoSM2 · 14/08/2019 17:44

Looking after children can be done when pregnant.

However, I'd be absolutely livid that he just expects you to provide full-time childcare and hadn't discussed it with you. You don't just dump children on your partner or sibling or friend or anyone.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2019 17:45

Do you not work? Have you plans to work or study? If so what's his back up plan? What's his plan when the baby comes as your first baby will be tricky eith other kids of such different ages and different needs

slipperywhensparticus · 14/08/2019 17:46

Be careful he might treat your kids like this

jelly79 · 14/08/2019 17:49

He absolutely needs to discuss this with you but are you not working yourself? Assuming this is for a couple of weeks until they are back at school and then what's the plan?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 14/08/2019 17:50

This is the reality of blended family life, however there is assumption rather than discussion, which I wouldn't put up with.

Singlenotsingle · 14/08/2019 17:51

So where does the children's bio mum come in all this? Have you met her? Is she happy for you to look after the dc? What happens when they go back to school? Will you be expected to take them and pick them up? It all sounds very haphazard to me with no thought for you at all.

Ellisandra · 14/08/2019 17:56

Do not feel in any way obliged or guilty if people start saying “this is what you signed up for”. This is absolutely not on. He should not force this on you. Yeah, in a blended family you have to aware that there are other children involved. You might jointly make a decision about those children. But he has no right to just dictate it.

I’m going to take a punt that “some stuff recently happened” means that he has fabricated something, or caused something, or is making an excuse of something to go 50:50 shared care so he can stop paying maintenance. That may seem a leap - but based on what you’ve said about how he’s dictated this - he’s an arsehole. Interesting timing that now you’re pregnant (and off work sick?) he suddenly wants 50:50. When it’s not him providing it.

Ellisandra · 14/08/2019 17:57

@Singlenotsingle your “bio” is redundant. “Mum” will do. Mum is perfectly clear.

ClemDanFango · 14/08/2019 17:58

Ask him blankly who is going to look after them while he’s at work?

Toothproblems · 14/08/2019 18:01

He should have discussed with you first but as you are going to have a baby with him and this will be their sibling it might be nice for you to do this. He should have asked you but life with kids is unpredictable and you are a family unit now too. So i think you need to give a little. However i am probably in the minority with that view

herculepoirot2 · 14/08/2019 18:01

This is why I wouldn’t ever start a family with a man without discussing the care of any existing children first. He obviously sees you as free childcare, which is unreasonable, but it’s also the reality that the immediate future is likely to involve him working to support you and your new baby, leaving a childcare gap where his existing family is concerned.

You need a serious conversation with him about what you are and are not willing to do.

Sicario · 14/08/2019 18:03

What a surprise. Woman automatically expected to become unpaid childminder to kids that are not hers.

That would be a big fat no from me.

Of course, when you ask the father what he's going to do about looking after his own kids, he will look at you like you are being a completely unreasonable cow. I have seen this time and time again and it does my head in.

Ellisandra · 14/08/2019 18:06

@herculepoirot2 what childcare gap? There’s been no childcare gap up until now.

This isn’t about childcare, or “giving a little” or how blended families work together. This is about someone just dictating what’s going to suit him.

What if OP planned 6 months mat leave (or whatever) then a return to her work? How does that work when she then has a 7 and 12yo every other week, all week? Fuck that.

coffeeforone · 14/08/2019 18:09

YANBU. Who would watch them if you weren't off work sick? He should pay for childcare.

herculepoirot2 · 14/08/2019 18:11

This isn’t about childcare, or “giving a little” or how blended families work together. This is about someone just dictating what’s going to suit him.

He is dictating, and that isn’t okay. However, a man with two school age children does have a childcare responsibility. He hasn’t been fulfilling it until now. Obviously he thinks his new GF will. 🤷🏻‍♀️

cheesydoesit · 14/08/2019 18:12

He should have discussed it with you. What are his usual contact arrangements?

LagunaBubbles · 14/08/2019 18:12

Where is the children's Mum in all of this?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 14/08/2019 18:13

What if OP planned 6 months mat leave (or whatever) then a return to her work? How does that work when she then has a 7 and 12yo every other week, all week? Fuck that.

It works the same way in any family with multiple children surely? I think he's wrong for just assuming and not talking to OP about it however I see stepchildren (I know they're not married but same dynamic) as 'children of the family' so I don't think it's all that outrageous that he has assumed that, especially considering they are about to have their own baby and OP doesn't seem to be working.

Probably also in the minority but I agree with @Toothproblems. life with kids is unpredictable and you are a family unit now too.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 14/08/2019 18:14

No way would I be doing that.

Sotiredofthislife · 14/08/2019 18:15

He has suddenly decided 50/50 and mum hasn’t said no? Hasn’t put up any kind of fight? And he expects you to look after them?

May be way off here but lots of red flags for me. How long have you known him and what were previous arrangements over the children?

swingofthings · 14/08/2019 18:21

If you are not working, and he is supporting you financislly, it is not unreasonable that you would support him by looking after his kids. However, it should have been discussed with you.

Ellisandra · 14/08/2019 18:22

@HollyGoLoudly1 no, it doesn’t work that way in any family. Even where two parents have only their own children, one parent doesn’t get to just tell the other one that they’re providing all the childcare.

I’m a stepmother and my child has a stepmother. I’ve even done emergency childcare for her stepsister, nothing to do with me! I’m all for working together. But you don’t just tell your partner what they’re doing. You ask. And if it doesn’t suit you as a family, both of you - she’s sick! - then you take emergency carer’s leave, and then sort out paid childcare.

You’re at home on mat leave and there’s an emergency and you’re asked to have the step children that week? Of course you should.

You’re just told you’re having them every other week from now on? No, not on.

I still think has got maintenance dodger written all over it.

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