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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Watching partners kids while he’s at work

42 replies

Lbarn98 · 14/08/2019 17:30

My partner has two kids one 6 the other 11 years old. Luckily they both really like me! Some stuff has recently happened and my partner now wants the kids to stay at our house every other week. He said this would happen starting Sunday and I was okay with it. Except today out of the blue he said they would be coming over once he got off work to stay until Sunday. Which means I’d be watching them everyday while he’s at work. I’m 13 weeks pregnant right now not sure if that matter or not but I feel overwhelmed I feel like I’m being pushed into things and I have no say so on anything. Like I said I don’t have a problem watching the kids I just feel nervous for some reason. I am also sick right now so I guess I’ll be watching his kids while I’m sick?

OP posts:

lavenderbluedilly · 14/08/2019 18:28

I would want to know a bit more information before deciding if YABU.

How many hours a week will you be expected to look after them? How does their mum feel about this new arrangement? Do you work? As another poster asked, did your DP decide to have a 50:50 arrangement to avoid paying maintenance?

No, I would not be happy to look after children that were not my own, on a regular basis. But if I was at home anyway, and financially dependent on their father, then I’d find it difficult to say no. It really depends on the circumstances here.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 14/08/2019 18:30

@Ellisandra

Ah I think we've just misunderstood each other. Totally agree about not being dictated to about childcare, definitely think he's in the wrong for that.

HelenaDove · 14/08/2019 18:38

@Hollygoloudly1 And yet if they split in a couple of years time she would be told that shes got no rights as they wernt married.

Why should women keep doing all the donkey work while having no protection.

cheesydoesit · 14/08/2019 18:42

Yes, I think I've been on MN too long because my first thoughts were either the 'some stuff' that's happened was mum getting a new boyfriend or that OP's boyfriend is a maintenance dodger.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 14/08/2019 18:45

@HelenaDove

I guess I'm not really considering the married/not married angle too much here. I've never been terribly fussed about marriage (although we are married now but I would just as happily not have gotten married). Would it change your opinion of the situation if they were married?

HelenaDove · 14/08/2019 18:47

Not really The fact that he dictated to her the way he did shows that he sees childcare as womens work.

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 18:49

I’m 13 weeks pregnant right now not sure if that matter or not but I feel overwhelmed I feel like I’m being pushed into things and I have no say so on anything. Like I said I don’t have a problem watching the kids I just feel nervous for some reason. I am also sick right now so I guess I’ll be watching his kids while I’m sick?

Unless you stand up for yourself big time this will be your life now. Providing childcare for his children and looking after your own.

Sotiredofthislife · 14/08/2019 18:52

And yet if they split in a couple of years time she would be told that shes got no rights as they wernt married. Why should women keep doing all the donkey work while having no protection

You think that should the OP split, if she is so inclined, she should be given a legal right to see the child? So the child should then share time with mum, dad, dad’s ex? Where does it stop? Grandparents, friends, childminders? Whilst I agree it’s sad for all concerned when relationships breakdown and children lose contact with people who cared about them, what is the alternative? Poor children are already pushed from pillar to post, if we start giving rights to everyone, what happens to the child?

bluebeck · 14/08/2019 18:56

I would be deeply unimpressed with this.

WHat are the ongoing arrangements? Are you expected to do this every other week now? What happens if/when you are at work?

Is this arrangement so that he doesn't have to pay the ex maintenance?

HelenaDove · 14/08/2019 18:57

No i think there is a misogynistic expectation that women should expect to have to do domestic drudgery with no protection then the SAME people who expect this would also have a pop at her and tell her she shouldnt have done it or made sacrifices as they wernt married if they split in a couple of years.

A womans place is in the wrong.

timshelthechoice · 14/08/2019 18:59

Wow, he sounds like quite the catch. Will never understand women who take up with men like this and of course, they're always pregnant.

He just sees you are her indoors there to do this bidding.

I really hope you have given up FT work and supporting yourself for him because I can almost guarantee he'll do the same to your child/children in a few years.

Livelovebehappy · 14/08/2019 19:00

Of course he needs to do his fair share of childcare, but unless you agree to looking after them, then he should arrange paid childcare, but you would then have to accept that this will impact on your joint household expenses. ‘Where is the mother in all this’ as has been pointed out upthread - that’s irrelevant. The arrangement suggests they are sharing 50/50, which seems perfectly fair to me. Not their mothers responsibility when DCs are in the care of their DF.

1arlingtonroad · 14/08/2019 19:03

Op are you working at the moment yourself?

Ellisandra · 14/08/2019 19:05

@Sotiredofthislife I don’t think anyone means “no rights” as in no right to see his children.

No rights as in - if you were married, you can go to court and say “Judge, I’d like 70% of our assets not 50%, because I’ve lost years of earnings and career progression and contributed fuck all to a pension, because I’ve been caring for 3 of his children - 2 of whom aren’t mine”.

3 children makes a big difference to whether you can work or not. 1 set of childcare fees, 1 set of arrangements vs 3 kids in 3 different locations. Those ages are nursery, primary, secondary.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 14/08/2019 19:20

If you're not working, and planning to be a SAHP to baby soon, is it possible that when he discussed the new living arrangements he thought it was implied that you'd be helping with childcare in the same way?

Also, surely they go to nursery/school?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 14/08/2019 19:22

Surely this is only an issue during school holidays, and future school holidays he can plan for

RickJames · 14/08/2019 19:30

Try it for a week. If they are facing a big upheaval then it could be a great bonding experience. They'll appreciate it if they've been having a rough time.
I spent more time with my step daughter than my step son when I was pre-pregnancy/ pregnant and guess which child my son and I have a stronger relationship with 😊 I'm now glad about all the times I held my breath when she was messing about with him as a baby or dragging him about as a toddler. You've got that to handle too in the future. Better that you get more familiar now!
At 6 and 11 there's quite a lot of stuff you can do with them and they can amuse themselves if you need a nap.

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