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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH tells MIL the details of our arguments

73 replies

Circletriangle · 14/08/2019 15:31

This isn't an issue very often as DH and I have a good relationship but every so often we have an argument and he always tells his mum whenever we do. It's nice that they're close but I don't really understand why she needs to be told. Yesterday we had an argument, it wasn't over anything serious just a bit of miscommunication and no one else needed to be involved really, next thing I know MIL is calling me. I do like her, I get on well with her usually but she has quite an intense personality and always says what's on her mind no matter what it is. I felt like a child being told off and it's quite humiliating really. So I spoke to DH about it and he said he had just mentioned what happened to her and she decided to call me, he didn't tell her but this isn't the first time this has happened so surely he knew

OP posts:

Cheeserton · 14/08/2019 19:02

You should have told her firmly that it was absolutely none of her business, which it wasn't. And then told DH that.

AGenericUsername · 14/08/2019 19:04

DH did a similar thing and told BIL about our argument. He send me a long text having a go at me. I replied because I was annoyed he had text me when he didn't know both sides. I gave him a piece of my mind and he's never got involved with one our arguments again. I agree OP, YANBU. If he's going to tell his mum about your arguments then she should just listen and not get involved. Your relationship is none of her business.

lemonsherbert28 · 14/08/2019 19:06

t’s important for men to be shamed out of talking to their mothers, otherwise it makes it harder to label them as emotionally distant and uncommunicative about their feelings. Just make sure he doesn’t talk to any female friends either as that’s an emotional affair

Yes. My son used to talk to me when he'd had a row with his girlfriend. He doesn't so much now as I think she takes offence. However, he doesn't have any close friends to talk to, so now he tends to tell his sister.
His girlfriend actually phoned me to moan about him the other day! I was amazed. It isn't good to spill the beans all the time to a third party, but men need someone to talk to just as women do. Men don't tend to talk to their friends about relationship issues, which is sad. So they often turn to mothers or sisters. I would guess his girlfriend moans to her friends.

iDontKnowMyElbowFromMyArse · 14/08/2019 19:07

My husband did this once, and I was sooooo cross! Especially as his mum, at that time, was the cause of any argument we ever had. We were very nearly on the brink of divorce and he went running to her, without telling her it was all because of how she had been carrying on and the pressure she was putting on us.
It's a hard one. He should be able to confide in his mum I guess, I'd want my son to when he's an adult, I think.
But it does feel like a betrayal

Livelovebehappy · 14/08/2019 19:07

It’s okay to confide in others - I must admit if I have an argument with DH and I want to get an opinion on whether I was in the wrong or for some words of wisdom, I might confide in DM or friends. But it’s absolutely out of order that your MIL then calls you to tell you off! That’s definitely overstepping the boundaries.

redlily12 · 14/08/2019 19:12

We have a rule where I don't talk about arguments/disagreements I've had with dh either with relatives or friends. It's a betrayal of privacy and not usually a good idea to bring a third party into a marital disagreement. Obviously it's different if the person is in an abusive relationship/marriage. If they are, they should confide in their nearest and dearest and get the support they need. But for general disagreements, the trivial sort which normally resolve themselves quite quickly, nope. Keep it within the relationship. I think that constantly moaning about your other half to relatives/friends can give them a skewed view of that person too, which isn't great.

redlily12 · 14/08/2019 19:13

forgot this: when I say 'we have a rule' that rule applies to him too!

Cherrysoup · 14/08/2019 19:26

Her calling you is the issue, I think. How many women on here speak to their mum's about issues? I think it's normal. For her to ring you about it is beyond batshit. Just tell her to keep her nose out, it's none of her business.

phoenixrosehere · 14/08/2019 19:47

I know my husband talks to his family (they’re quite close -knit) but I would be shocked and annoyed if any of them had called me to give me a talking to over it.

I don’t call my parents and tell them when my husband and I have disagreements because it is none of their business. That type of stuff can break marriages and lead to discord in relationships and not just between the married couple. There is very little we argue about and the things we argue about would not be information that they would want to hear in the first place. If my sons were to call me I would try to see their spouses’ side and tell them my honest opinion, but I wouldn’t call their spouse and tell them what to do. At the most, I may call their spouse and see if they’re all right and if they want to talk about it depending on how close we are.

billy1966 · 14/08/2019 19:56

I agree, the issue is not your husband speaking to someone, the issue is his Batshit mother, who is stupid enough to repeat this to you and intervene.

First off you shouldn't have engaged in any way with her.

A really abrupt "I am not discussing my marriage with you", completely cutting her off is the way to go IMO.

I must admit that him knowing that she will be straight onto you, to have a go at you, is really unattractive. Ugh! Not manly at all.

That makes him sound like a very wimpish Mummy's boy. Not a good look!

brassbrass · 14/08/2019 20:05

I would go absolutely batshit if this happened. DH and I do not discuss our rows with either set of parents/family. Totally asking for trouble and interference. Minor things we might talk to friends about but anything serious is always sorted between the two of us. Luckily we're both on the same page re marital privacy.

Hecateh · 14/08/2019 20:32

I know the general issues my son has with his partner. I also know in more detail the issues she has with him.

I wouldn't dream of taking issue with either of them - none of my business. I understand the issues - having seen them first hand from both sides. She is/can be ......... And he definitely is/can be ......... (known him longer).

If she, as she sometimes does, tells me a bit too much, I ask her if I am the appropriate person to be saying this to. I do hear a little bit more about him than I would like sometimes

(I know more about her issues than his as she comes to see me more often)

OooErMissus · 14/08/2019 20:36

Only on MN is it 'controlling' to expect your DH not to divulge your arguments to his Mum. 🙄

Meanwhile, in the real world, this is not OK.

DH has a very close relationship with his Mum - she is in a different country from us, but they chat for an hour on the phone every week.

If he was spilling details about our private disagreements to her, I'd be beyond angry. Even though she'd never in a million years call me up to tell me off. What with her being normal, and having normal boundaries.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 21:51

It is controlling, surely, to tell an adult that they can’t talk to another adult unless it is confidential information they are talking about?

What is wrong is the MIL getting involved and doing more than just listening. She should be keeping his confidence.

OooErMissus · 14/08/2019 22:09

It is not controlling to ask an adult to respect your privacy, and not divulge certain matters.

Especially when you know the person they do divulge things to brings it up with you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/08/2019 22:15

I would not go 'running to my Mummy', and neither would I expect my husband to. We're grown-ups. We can actually sort out our own disagreements without needing parental involvement and back up.

Amen. It wouldn't even occur to me that my DH might do this; much less need an agreement beforehand that this kind of betrayal of the intimate details of our marriage is not okay. Nor would I in turn consider such details to my family - close as I am to them - as I'd consider this the height of disloyalty.

As this PP rightly says, adults are capable of sorting out their own marriages without parental intervention. The OP, IMO, is therefore quite understandably hacked off. OP, the suggestion being made by some PPs that you are being 'controlling' is completely absurd, and I hope you'll disregard it.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 22:23

Does anyone ever use that disparaging “mummy” when talking about a woman’s mother? Or suggest that she “cut the apron strings”?

Disclaimer- I think the Mil was massively in the wrong here.

Bluegrass · 14/08/2019 22:25

I bet there are a lot of people on here who share details about their relationships with their friends without giving it a second thought (and who would be told it was controlling if their partners tried to police this).

What was wrong was the MIL intervening rather than merely advising.

Rainbowknickers · 14/08/2019 22:46

My in laws have a rule that no matter who’s right/wrong they don’t get involved and they don’t take sides
If my partner tells them anything then it’s months later and part of another conversation
He wouldn’t dream of running to them and then mil to ring me
I love and adore her but she’s be told to stay out of it if she ever did
He really needs to cut the apron strings

bluetue · 14/08/2019 23:13

This absolutely. I don't speak to anyone about arguments we have and I expect husband to do the same.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/08/2019 04:23

Completely agree with this. I assume that rule applies to the poster's DH too though!

redlily12 · 15/08/2019 11:27

that poster was me and yes, the rule applies to both of us!

Ispini · 16/08/2019 11:27

Recently I overheard my husband bitching about me to his mother and father. They were staying in our home for apparently two weeks which turned into nine! I was beside myself with stress and my eldest had been turfed out of her bedroom to accommodate them.
They’re now gone but I don’t think I’ll ever think of him the same way despite being married for over twenty years. They lived abroad for all our marriage and funnily enough the only time we seriously clash is when they are on the scene. As for my SIL she’s ten times worse!

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