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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH tells MIL the details of our arguments

73 replies

Circletriangle · 14/08/2019 15:31

This isn't an issue very often as DH and I have a good relationship but every so often we have an argument and he always tells his mum whenever we do. It's nice that they're close but I don't really understand why she needs to be told. Yesterday we had an argument, it wasn't over anything serious just a bit of miscommunication and no one else needed to be involved really, next thing I know MIL is calling me. I do like her, I get on well with her usually but she has quite an intense personality and always says what's on her mind no matter what it is. I felt like a child being told off and it's quite humiliating really. So I spoke to DH about it and he said he had just mentioned what happened to her and she decided to call me, he didn't tell her but this isn't the first time this has happened so surely he knew

OP posts:

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 17:59

What did she say when she called you? What was the purpose?

Original poster

Circletriangle · 14/08/2019 18:02

She backed up what DH had said and told me how I was wrong, in a dramatic way

OP posts:

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 18:04

And you said??

Original poster

Circletriangle · 14/08/2019 18:06

That I didn't think I was wrong and it really wasn't that big of a deal, she didn't need to call me but I said something along those lines last time something similar to this happened

OP posts:

Tooner · 14/08/2019 18:06

He obviously knows what his mothers reaction is going to be so he seems to be doing it deliberately which is a bit 'mummysboy-ish' and I would not be happy about that.

The next time I would be saying to him..... and if you go running to your Mother telling her all about our row also tell her not to contact me about it as it has absolutely nothing do with her.

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 18:09

Good! Next time she does it politely say you’re not going to discuss it.

Sweetpea55 · 14/08/2019 18:09

What are you complaining about OP? Mumsnetters have said that he shouldn't have gone whining to his mother. Yet you seem to be defending him. If you dont like his mother interfering then grow a pair and say something

Sweetpea55 · 14/08/2019 18:11

And Where's his respect for you? Running to mummy everytime you disagree? What a ninny

lawdylawd · 14/08/2019 18:13

My MIL calls whenever we argue, it's beyond irritating. We are only 25 but she decided that they, being her and FIL would give us marriage 'counselling' I told dh under no uncertain terms, do I need her or anyone else involved in our marriage.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/08/2019 18:13

I used to tell my parents about rows and they'd often give very useful advice. Sometimes I was told IWBU. But never in a million years would either of them ring DH up and tackle him. That's outrageous.

mbosnz · 14/08/2019 18:18

We worked out very early on that it was unfair to each other and also to our families to include them in our disagreements. Obviously they would be prone to see our side, and it was very hard on them to then 'forget' the disagreement and not have it colour their perceptions of our partner.

I would not go 'running to my Mummy', and neither would I expect my husband to. We're grown-ups. We can actually sort out our own disagreements without needing parental involvement and back up.

And if my MIL decided to ring me up and stick her beak in, she'd be told to pull it right back off, before it got snipped off - and don't make that mistake again.

Gobbolinocat · 14/08/2019 18:27

It depends on so many variables but in my mind the sort of woman who feels comfortable, actually calling up her sons partner about an argument is definitely the kind of parent who should not be party to intimate details.
Incredulous that this is from relationship with rare arguments!
The Mil and dil relationship is very delicate. This is transgression.
Some mothers are normal and balanced and will call their adult dc out if it's neccsary.

EileenAlanna · 14/08/2019 18:27

Hand him a pair of scissors & tell him it's time he cut the apron strings.

Sciurus83 · 14/08/2019 18:30

I'm RAGING for you, unbelievable, who the hell does she think she is wading into your relationship like that. You better tell her this is the one and only time this happens, and go nuclear on DH. Unbelievable. Completely inappropriate to involve her, especially knowing she's the kind of maniac that thinks shes got any place calling you and putting herself in between you and your husband on something that is none of her business. Some serious words with DH about who comes first and what is an appropriate way to deal with disagreements in your marriage. Clue, you didn't marry his bloody mother.

Malvinaa81 · 14/08/2019 18:32

His mother does not need any knowledge let alone details of arguments.

And you'll just have to tell her, should this happen again, that you are not going to discuss the matter, and repeat those words-no doubt many times- until the woman gets the point.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 18:34

Would you also be saying that a woman shouldn’t be talking to her mother about anything happening in the marriage?

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 18:35

Obviously as I said before, the mil should not be ringing the OP and should be keeping her son’s confidences.

ysmaem · 14/08/2019 18:36

I've discussed arguments I've had with my DP's over the years including my now DP and not once has she ever gotten involved. I would be mortified if she ever called them up to share her opinions or to patch things up for us. He obviously needs to stop confiding in his mother. It's as simple as that

bluetue · 14/08/2019 18:39

My DH used to do this but I made it clear under no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable. You need to put a stop to it OP.

Minxmumma · 14/08/2019 18:40

Tell her to mind her own or..... just for giggles say 'oh I'm so glad you rang. Seeing as dh has decided to share everything with you last night we had sex and it was blah blah blah......'

It will stop at least one of them in their tracks. He is welcome to share with her but it's not her place to tell you off for anything.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/08/2019 18:45

Confiding about your relationship with your mum is fine but her ringing the partner to stick up for her son IS mummys boy territory. Totally out of order, there are two sides to a disagreement and should not have got so involved.

My mil rang me once to lay into me over a disagreement myself and dh had had, dh was furious she had done it (as was I and told her it was none of her business). It never happened again, mainly I think because dh didn't trust her enough to confide in her again!

mbosnz · 14/08/2019 18:49

Would you also be saying that a woman shouldn’t be talking to her mother about anything happening in the marriage?

About disagreements between husband and wife? Yes, absolutely. If you're mature enough to be married, you should be mature enough to keep such details to yourselves and work out your disagreement between yourselves, not go to Mummy (and/or Daddy) for support, and potentially get Mummy (and/or Daddy) to wade in on your behalf. Whether requested or not.

I mean, that's just never going to end well!

It's a huge part of why one member of my family firstly refused to get married to her partner, and now the relationship has ultimately disintegrated. Just too many people heavily invested in the relationship.

Wonkybanana · 14/08/2019 18:54

Would you also be saying that a woman shouldn’t be talking to her mother about anything happening in the marriage?

Yes. If the issue is huge - DV, affair or terminal diagnosis - then I think that's fair. But for ordinary, everyday, non marriage threatening arguments, then no I don't think either partner should be telling their parents. You sort it out between yourselves like adults.

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 18:56

Sciurus83 you nearly had me there.

mbosnz · 14/08/2019 19:00

Also, given that DH has very likely bitched about his mother to OP, I'd be cordially informing DH that I was going to ring up his mother and tell her what he'd had to say about her, if he wanted to be that free with the information flow. . .

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