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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have you ever been in a situation like this?

26 replies

Loveyoulots1 · 14/08/2019 10:45

Split up with someone, they moved on and later you realise you both love each other but it’s too late now?

It’s ex DH, we split in January 2018. He met someone 6 months later, and moved out, we’ve lived apart since. We separated because he was lazy, never helped me with the kids and I felt like he never listened to me. Since separating, we’ve gone out with the kids, he comes round to see them at my house sometimes. Puts them to bed, will sometimes have dinner with them etc. I just wish he was like this before we separated. He has admitted he still loves me, and thinks about me. I love him too. It’s too late now, and it’s so hard to accept. He’s everything I want in a man, we get on so well. It’s just sad that we had to separate in order for him to stop being lazy.

I really love him though, I don’t know what I’m trying to say with this post. Just needed to get it off my chest. Sad

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 14/08/2019 10:50

Is he still with the other woman? If he's admitted he loves you then what's stopping you both?

Original poster
Loveyoulots1 · 14/08/2019 10:53

Yes he is still with her. They live together now. That's the problemSad

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 14/08/2019 10:54

Have you told him how you feel?

SuperSara · 14/08/2019 10:54

It doesn't have to be too late. You wouldn't be the first couple to get back together.

Have you discussed whether you could try again?

If you do give it a go for god's sake make sure he does the right thing by his new partner, though.

Babybrainstill · 14/08/2019 10:59

Sorry to hear this....how did you split in the first place...was it you telling him to go....

TheFastandCurious · 14/08/2019 10:59

The fact he is prepared to declare his love for you while he has a partner he lives with makes me think you have rose tinted glasses on when considering how great he really is.

TrickyD · 14/08/2019 10:59

No, thank God I have not been in a situation like that. More sense I hope.

He is coming round, all loveydovey, doing the stuff he never did when you were together, and you have the ridiculous idea if he left his partner and returned to you, he would continue to act totally differently from when you lived together before.

Naive or what?

Summerunderway · 14/08/2019 11:03

I was in similar.
We got back together..
He was still a lazy twat.
Divorced less than a year later.

Pikapikachooo · 14/08/2019 11:05

Listen to summer ! It’s ever so hard as he will always be in your life
But you
Would be way more gutted to get back together , and then nothing has changed

Way way more gutted

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2019 11:06

Just because he's better with the kids and you now you're not together doesn't mean he's actually changed though, I wonder is lazy with the new DP? Also, it doesn't say much for him as a person that he'll say things like that to you and still stay with the new woman, it's not being very respectful to her or of their relationship. If he's genuine he would admit that to his new DP and leave not stay with her but say these hurtful things to you behind her back

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2019 11:07

Hi OP

It's easy to seem like things have changed when you're seeing someone for a few hours a week. Also people behave differently when they are guests in someone elses home to when they are in their own home. Its not inevitable but if you did get back together do you honestly think that you ouldnt both slip back into old patterns?

sheshootssheimplores · 14/08/2019 11:09

Don’t fall for the fairy tale OP. He will revert back to being a lazy bastard if you get back together. If he REALLY wants you back he needs to break up with his partner, live alone and date you for a good long period of time.

He has done the classic male thing of leaving one woman to move in with another. That new woman will now no doubt be wiping his arse and running around after him. Meanwhile he’s back mooning over you 🙄

LagunaBubbles · 14/08/2019 11:14

You don't seriously think he's a completely changed character just because he visits and put the kids to bed do you?

womaninthedark · 14/08/2019 11:16

Oh, he's one of those, is he?
It goes like this:
"I still love you."
"Aww"
"I've always loved you."
"Really?" [Elastic on knickers becomes loose]
"I don't really love her, after all."
"You silly boy. You always loved me." [Knickers fall off]
"Thanks, love. Got to get home now."
"Home?"
"Other woman wants me back early. I can't be too harsh on her. I'll get back to you when I can..."
"Oh" [Picks knickers off floor and puts them in for a wash. Rinse. Repeat.]

DoIjusthavetoputupwithit · 14/08/2019 11:28

Yes he is still with her. They live together now. That's the problem

Oh he's having his cake and eating it isn't he?!
He's playing happy families with you and the DC and gets to go 'home' when he's had enough back to his DP to do other fun 'stuff' without his family responsibilities getting in the way.

He's keeping you sweet OP.

If you had him FT, he's be the same lazy arse he ever was. Without a doubt.

isitjanuary · 14/08/2019 11:35

If he came back he'd just go back to being lazy. He hasn't changed.

caballerino · 14/08/2019 11:37

Since separating, we’ve gone out with the kids, he comes round to see them at my house sometimes. Puts them to bed, will sometimes have dinner with them etc. I just wish he was like this before we separated.

Oh my god, he's basically a saint!

Being a very, very part time Disney dad, doing the easy fun stuff and getting praise for it is hardly difficult or indicative of a change of character. If anything, doesn't it reinforce how lazy he is that this is all he does.

"Sometimes" has dinner with them. He must have been utterly appalling as a partner and parent if you think this is proof he has transformed and is no longer lazy.

Come on, op, how thick are those rose tinted glasses?

You're grieving for the life and future you imagined and wished you would have with him. It's not real. It's ok to be sad about that, but if you go chasing after the past to try to get those fantasies back you'll only make yourself miserable - they were fantasies then, they're fantasies now. Focus on what's real.

You deserve so much better than someone who fucks with your head like this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2019 11:39

I think you've slipped your rose-tinted glasses on. it happens.

He was a lazy shit when you were married. He didn't have enough respect for you to change his behaviour then. You're only seeing him briefly now and then, so it's easy to think 'Oh he's changed.'

I bet my bottom dollar he hasn't.

Him telling you he still loves you and thinks about you is also massively disrespectful to his current GF. He's just keeping you dangling on a string.

Wake up. Maybe get some counselling to help you get over him. But move on. Start dating. Stop hanging onto the past.

Tonnerre · 14/08/2019 11:48

If the prospect of separating wasn't enough to cure him of laziness, he won't change if you get back together.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2019 11:49

Sometimes" has dinner with them. He must have been utterly appalling as a partner and parent if you think this is proof he has transformed and is no longer lazy.

To add, does he actually cook the dinner that he eats with them because if just him sitting there eating constitutes as him not being lazy anymore you really really need to set your bar alot higher

PettyContractor · 14/08/2019 11:49

The fact he is prepared to declare his love for you while he has a partner he lives with makes me think you have rose tinted glasses on when considering how great he really is.

He's not volunteering the information, she says he "admitted" it. If she's asked and he's answered truthfully, I don't see what he's done wrong.

(Admittedly we don't know he's told his new partner he still likes the old one. Is he supposed to remain single for the rest of his life because he still fancies the person who kicked him out? You can like your old partner and be loyal to the new one.)

Juells · 14/08/2019 12:02

It's easy to be all lovey-dovey and hands on with children when they're a bit older and easier to deal with, plus you're only seeing them occasionally and don't have to make a consistent effort. If you got back together he'd find the childcare just as boring and effort-full as it was when you were a couple.

My ex turned into a wonderful father once we split up, he never bothered his arse with the children when we were together.

If he 'loved' you he'd have broken up with the woman he's living with, and tried to win you back. He's keeping all his options open. You're just one of several options. Is that enough to make you feel you're missing out? Place a bit more value on yourself and your children.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 12:06

Yes he is still with her. They live together now. That's the problem

Ah but it's not a problem for him though is it.

Vasya · 14/08/2019 12:06

The truth is OP, he would probably just go back to being lazy and unhelpful if you did get back together. You see him in little bursts now where it's easy for him to behave and look like he's turned into a decent man, but if you got back together he would revert straight back into his lazy ways.

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 12:11

You both sound like you’re both better apart. If he moved back in with you it wouldn’t take long for it to return to the way things were.

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