Have I been mean?

[Xen20]

I’m thinking I may have upset my neighbour. We get on well, never any problems and we would probably be classed as friends. I have no children at home now, she has 2 little ones. The youngest (9) likes dogs and likes to come and play with mine. I recently acquired a puppy so obviously he’s wanting to come around even more now. The problem is it got to the point where they were coming around every day. It was too much. I have aspergers and don’t like to socialise and also don’t like people in my house, it stresses me out. Plus the puppy is hard work and even more so when people are here. She’s a biter and they made a lot of comments about this. I’m working on it with her but people constantly going on about it stresses me out.

I know it’s school holidays and he’s bored but the thing is they always seem to ask to come around at the worse time ... normally around 4pm when DH is due home from work - or 6pm when we’re having tea. During the day wouldn’t be so bad but when the puppy is asleep, I don’t want to wake her as she’s hard work enough as it is.

On top of this, friend suggested that her son come to training classes with me - it’s just all too much. I’m not even a child friendly person as it is. I don’t dislike them but I don’t choose to spend my time with them either
Anyway he asked to come around on Monday but pup was just heading out for her injections so I said to come Tuesday instead. Tuesday I took pup for a play date and when we got back she was knackered and asleep - plus he messaged me at 6pm when we were having tea so it didn’t happen. I have messaged friend an apology but she hasn’t replied. I do feel bad for letting him down but I’m not the one setting this scenario up! I just want to be able to go about my business and not worry about if! AIBU?

Btw they are a lovely family and I know I’m an unsociable twat and probably quite self cantered but this is why I keep myself to myself. I don’t want to upset anyone, I just can’t commit to regular visits like this.

OP I think you've misread your neighbours' intentions. It doesn't sound like they are just desperate to see your puppy and love on it. It sounds like you have got a breed (rotty?) that they've prejudged and they are now set on a course of making sure the dog turns out ok for their 'safety'. Ridiculous. Phrases like 'hell hound' don't get invented by children - that's come from the parents.

You need to be strong and put a stop to this because if puppy nips that child somewhere like the face due to being harassed in its own home they will report your dog and start causing trouble for you. They've already decided the dog is bad. You can be polite but firm. Just say you've been having a think and realised that lots of visits are unsettling puppy and you'd rather take a break until puppy has been to training (and that you think this is best done alone without distractions). If you end your message by saying she's welcome to come round for a coffee anyway and you'll just shut puppy away then it won't feel like you're saying you don't want to see her. BUT do make sure you shut puppy away and say 'No, puppy isn't having visitors today' if a child goes to find her as these people sound horribly pushy.

It started off with neighbour being concerned about the breed I was getting

It's none of your neighbour's business what breed of dog you get, because the dog doesn't live with them and it's not spending any time on their property. You shouldn't have to invite your neighbour's child round to justify your own choice of pet. Both my neighbours have dogs and I certainly didn't expect to be consulted in advance or to have any say in what breeds they chose!

What about them joining you on a walk instead?

Why should the OP have to offer the neighbours a compromise? The OP has said several times that she likes to focus on her dogs and enjoys her alone-time with them, so I don't really see why she would/should want her neighbours coming on her dog-walks with her either.

Please don't feel bad about yourself OP, the neighbour is being very inconsiderate not you. She shouldn't be disturbing you every day so your puppy can entertain her son.

I would just leave it for now, enjoy the peace and spending time with your lovely new puppy.

If she mention the classes again say the trainer does not recommend nor like children attending as they distract all of the dogs from their training and it's very important there are no distractions.

OP she probably does like you and not because she hasn't found out what you're like. Maybe you haven't heard from her because she has sensed that you need some space. She's probably feeling bad for letting her son overwhelm you.

"Have I been mean?"
" I know I’m being a brat"
" I know I’m an unsociable twat"

For goodness sake woman, you are none of these things! You really need to work on your self esteem

"Of course I want her socialised with kids"
Why in the name of all that is holy, do you feel the need to socialise your dog with your NDN's children?

No, you haven't been mean. Puppies are hard work at the best of times and you need to set some boundaries. If she's at the nipping stage, I was told to scream loudly, as though in pain and turn away (or walk out of the room) every time she bites. She'll soon get the message that it's not acceptable (and is what her litter mates would have done). What puppies hate most is to be ignored! Hope you manage to sort it all out. I can understand how the little lad is keen to see the puppy and as long as you can set some boundaries, I'm sure you can work it out so you're all happy. Good luck!

OP I think you've misread your neighbours' intentions. It doesn't sound like they are just desperate to see your puppy and love on it. It sounds like you have got a breed (rotty?) that they've prejudged and they are now set on a course of making sure the dog turns out ok for their 'safety'. Ridiculous. Phrases like 'hell hound' don't get invented by children - that's come from the parents.

Completely agree

Just pick a couple of days and tell her, " I'm only free on Monday or Friday around 1-2." It's up to them if they want to come.

your not being mean hun.i know you find it hard to communicate.perhaps someone better it it than me can give you some good lines to give that are kind yet firm.
maybe you could even just give her a little on your situation. does she know you have aspergus "im finding it hard to settle with things at the moment do you mind if we give the visits a break for a while.or perhaps sort some planned doggie dates out for the future." then your not left with the nervy wait of them just turning up.

or even give an excuse of the vet having told you hes not settling well at the moment so you have been adviced to minimise his contact for just those in the household right now.but will let him know when we can ease into some cuddle time again.
this is a vital age for the puppy.its good for them to get stimulated play but they also need to settle into their current invoroemnt and start knowing it and those i nthe house as home and its own.
cop out but could you dp have a word.
o nthe training thing just say no.say it kindly but firmly. even that you want to start on your own first so you can get a handle on things and be able to learn to control the pup by yourself first and youll see how it goes.
or you need to find a bond with him so you can get his "nipping" under control.
by the way they are biting blighters at this age so do NOT worry about this stage.they are like little babies that start gumming everything at tthat age.they are exploring things with their mouths now.and you will be able to incorouage it to stop like you do with a child.

I get annoyed with this too

I have a dog and older DC. My ex has a 3yo. He brings the 3yo round to see my dog or asks me to bring the dog as she likes to see him. The dog does play but there is often a clash as to how they will play with the toddler just running around holding onto a toy and me trying to stop dog jumping up at her to get it. He said yesterday that he would like to take dog for the day they can walk him. Dog probably wouldn’t love this all that much 😂 so I said no.

If they want a dog get a dog! Don’t need to just use someone else’s for some enjoyment for your DC for a while, if they like animals take them to the zoo or a farm for the day.

I don’t think it’s rude. Dogs actually like routine and their own home, it’s ok to have occasional visitors but it’s not necessary for the dogs development to see a child every day and I know the child is enjoying it but this is imposing on you

Also I would only have my own DC at training classes because they need to give commands to the dog too, and the dog to listen to them. Not for a social outing!

Something has jumped out at me - you’ve said that you know it’s the school holidays and he’s bored. You are not this child’s entertainment (and you aren’t responsible for entertaining him). Suggest a day and time that works for you and refuse other visits. If this carries on, you are going to end up overreacting and will feel terrible or be blamed.

Growing up, I used to have a next door neighbour who came round all the time. I liked her well enough but it got so relentless that I couldn’t stand her after a while. There was nothing wrong, she was the youngest of five children and had no idea how to amuse herself / never felt the need for her own company.

Try not answering the door.

Posted too soon. It's like you're under siege in your own house