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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been mean?

64 replies

Xen20 · 14/08/2019 10:18

I’m thinking I may have upset my neighbour. We get on well, never any problems and we would probably be classed as friends. I have no children at home now, she has 2 little ones. The youngest (9) likes dogs and likes to come and play with mine. I recently acquired a puppy so obviously he’s wanting to come around even more now. The problem is it got to the point where they were coming around every day. It was too much. I have aspergers and don’t like to socialise and also don’t like people in my house, it stresses me out. Plus the puppy is hard work and even more so when people are here. She’s a biter and they made a lot of comments about this. I’m working on it with her but people constantly going on about it stresses me out.

I know it’s school holidays and he’s bored but the thing is they always seem to ask to come around at the worse time ... normally around 4pm when DH is due home from work - or 6pm when we’re having tea. During the day wouldn’t be so bad but when the puppy is asleep, I don’t want to wake her as she’s hard work enough as it is.

On top of this, friend suggested that her son come to training classes with me - it’s just all too much. I’m not even a child friendly person as it is. I don’t dislike them but I don’t choose to spend my time with them either
Anyway he asked to come around on Monday but pup was just heading out for her injections so I said to come Tuesday instead. Tuesday I took pup for a play date and when we got back she was knackered and asleep - plus he messaged me at 6pm when we were having tea so it didn’t happen. I have messaged friend an apology but she hasn’t replied. I do feel bad for letting him down but I’m not the one setting this scenario up! I just want to be able to go about my business and not worry about if! AIBU?

Btw they are a lovely family and I know I’m an unsociable twat and probably quite self cantered but this is why I keep myself to myself. I don’t want to upset anyone, I just can’t commit to regular visits like this.

OP posts:

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 14/08/2019 10:55

I remember your previous thread about this. You are very hard on yourself, OP. You refer to yourself as a "brat", a "twat" and that your neighbour must be realising you're "not that nice". I disagree, I think you sound lovely! You have tried very hard to manage this situation without hurting your neighbours feelings, which is admirable. It's not your fault that find socialising difficult, lots of people prefer to keep to themselves for various reasons. You shouldn't feel guilty about valuing time alone or just with your DH.

Your neighbour is being quite demanding of your time, although she probably doesn't realise it. I would find the expectation to spend that much time with someone else's child way too much and I'm neurotypical, so please don't think you're being unreasonable or that this is about you being "antisocial", it really isn't. Your neighbour is using you/your dog to entertain her child and that is unfair. It is not your responsibility to keep her child occupied and she is being inconsiderate. She may not be doing it consciously, but that still doesn't make it ok.

You haven't done anything wrong so don't be pressured into agreeing to anything that you don't want to do. I think you've handled the situation very well actually, I probably would have lost my temper with her ages ago!

dollydaydream114 · 14/08/2019 10:57

I know I’m being a brat

You are absolutely not being a brat!

I would find it incredibly weird and pushy if my neighbour came round every day with her child for any reason, let alone to play with my dog. And if they then make remarks about the puppy 'biting' and joke about the pup's behaviour of course it's going to stress you out. Finally, the suggestion that the child should come to training classes with you is just bizarre.

I think it's actually your neighbour who is struggling with the whole social etiquette/boundaries thing, rather than you. Your dogs are really important to you and, as you say, your main hobby and something you devote all your time to. It's perfectly normal and OK for you not to want your neighbour and her child to muscle in on that.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and this isn't your fault. Hopefully, if you can manage to say a few more times that it's not convenient, they'll get the message. You could also say 'No, the puppy is still at the mouthing stage, as you've mentioned yourself, and she's getting over-excited, so it's probably not a great idea for her to spend too much time with kids at the moment.'

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2019 10:57

She suggested her kid comes to puppy training classes with you? That's really cheeky and presumptuous of them, they're really invading your space there, I would hate that

dustarr73 · 14/08/2019 11:00

You are not a brat.They sound like they have no cop on.

You could always say the vet said he needs downtime.And cant be handled all the time.

But it reads to me,shes angling for a babysitter of sorts.I could be wrong,

Original poster

Xen20 · 14/08/2019 11:07

It started off with neighbour being concerned about the breed I was getting and so wanted to socialise the pup to her kids early on. I totally understood that and was on board but I didn’t think it would be this intense ... especially involving the training classes etc. I’m hoping to go into advanced training, agility - I take this stuff very seriously. Of course I want her socialised with kids but at the same time, she’s never going to be a cute fluffy thing - which is precisely why I bought her.

OP posts:

Juells · 14/08/2019 11:12

She’s a biter and they made a lot of comments about this. I’m working on it with her but people constantly going on about it stresses me out.

I'd consider that a real cheek.

You're not mean, they're encroaching and resolutely ignoring you signals that you're uncomfortable. You need to stop expecting them to understand the social niceties, they don't and they won't.

I used to struggle with putting people off politely, until I learned the golden phrase "It doesn't suit". Don't say why it doesn't suit, or they start problem-solving for you. Just broken record technique of "It doesn't suit", softening it with an "I'm afraid" if you can't bring yourself to say it so baldly.

They're being rude.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2019 11:15

It started off with neighbour being concerned about the breed I was getting and so wanted to socialise the pup to her kids early on

She sounds really pushy, I'd have told her piss off by now and get her own dog

Juells · 14/08/2019 11:15

As Minister says: You have tried very hard to manage this situation without hurting your neighbours feelings, which is admirable. It's not your fault that find socialising difficult, lots of people prefer to keep to themselves for various reasons. You shouldn't feel guilty about valuing time alone or just with your DH.

I don't find socialising difficult, but I couldn't be arsed with neighbours calling in, especially with a child in tow. I can't believe how thick your neighbour's skin is, if she hasn't got the message. She's not lovely, she's pushy and unable to read social signals.

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 14/08/2019 11:15

OP, I have unusual pets that children find fascinating but which are not suitable for them to play with, so I regularly have to have this conversation with parents. A young puppy is not really child-friendly while it's still at the bitey/nippy stage, however much the child might wish it were otherwise! With my pets, I usually just say "Sorry, it's just that I can't guarantee they won't bite, and I don't want to risk your LO getting hurt." Obviously, this isn't going to work for you forever because the puppy will grow up, but perhaps by then the "small and cute" effect will have worn off and the kid will be less interested?

Sayhellotothethings · 14/08/2019 11:21

Children living in the same household as the dog are often welcome at training classes so that they can practice. They often end up beaming when they do something right and the dog listens to them. I have seen lots of children end up as better handlers than their parents!

However, as this child doesn't live with you, I would raise an eyebrow at it going to your training course.

It is lovely that they want to be so involved with the puppy but I would say that you need a little space in the evenings as you are busy. What about them joining you on a walk instead?

On the plus side, it is great that your new pup is becoming socialised with children. They will also likely help with dog care which is great - it costs us £250 to have our boy looked after for a week's holiday.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2019 11:22

Your animals are not a play facility for this family - I think because of the aspergers maybe your boundaries are completely off? Because no one else would encourage this.

Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 11:22

Does your friend not realise 6pm is when most folk have dinner especially if they’ve been out at work? I think it’s her that’s rude; also wanting to see the pup but calling her a ‘hell hound’ and going on about mouthing, they sound awful. I’d be firm and say you need this time to train pup and get her routine established and you’ll let her know when is suitable; at a push aid let him come on a walk every now & then.

MuseThalia · 14/08/2019 11:23

No you aren't been unreasonable at all, surely at least part her knows she can't keep sending her child to your house. We had a similar situation with a friend of ours who kept sending her son (adult with special needs) to our house, even though he has threatened me in the past. I didn't let him into the house, I stood at the door and spoke to him instead. That may work if you bring the puppy to the door and let the little boy stroke the puppy for a little bit but then say you have to go back inside now. Also, do as others are saying when you set a time for them to visit you when it is convenient for you.

Bookworm4 · 14/08/2019 11:24

It started off with neighbour being concerned about the breed I was getting
Just saw this OP, she really is a CF, none of her bloody business. People like this are so entitled.

Sayhellotothethings · 14/08/2019 11:24

It started off with neighbour being concerned about the breed I was getting and so wanted to socialise the pup to her kids early on

Do you spend a lot of time with your neighbour otherwise? If not, why does it matter to her

sprouts21 · 14/08/2019 11:26

Op you're going to have to have the conversation and nip this in the bud now. The suggestion of him coming to training classes is ridiculous. She's telling you that the intention is for the son to be involved long term with your dog. Just no.

Sayhellotothethings · 14/08/2019 11:27

You aren't being a brat OP. You sound like me in some ways. I actually have some level of social anxiety and struggle saying no to people, then when I do I freak put about being unfair or upsetting them.

But not that I have kids I'm getting better and my skin is getting thicker. I know it's not comparible to your asperges of course but you aren't alone and you certainly haven't done anything wrong.

catsnoring · 14/08/2019 11:29

"It started off with neighbour being concerned about the breed I was getting"
"She’s a biter and they made a lot of comments about this"

You are being too hard on yourself and giving the neighbour too much credit for 'being lovely' here - they dont sound that nice to be honest. You sound a very responsible dog owner and there is no need for them to be sticking their noses in so much. Do not entertain taking the kid to classes with you, it is nothing to do with them - pup needs to train with you not be confused.

Dont be feeling mean, I'd step back from them a bit.

BigFatLiar · 14/08/2019 11:31

Its a bit pushy and its your dog so your decision.

Training is a part of bonding with your dog and something you should be free to enjoy.

However you could potentially find yourself with free dog care if the neighbours child likes being with the dog.

Puppies nip and mouth, something that needs training, rather than simply commenting on it could you explain its part of the pup growing and get the child to help with that aspect of training. Rather than just playing and petting the dog (good valuable things to do) perhaps it could do help by doing some training in the back garden.

However its your dog, your decision and they have no entitlement to access your dog and school holidays will end shortly perhaps intrest will wane then.

MrsGrammaticus · 14/08/2019 11:31

Meh. I really wouldn't worry too much. Sounds like they've taken the hint, and yes, they did need to do that! Just try and catch them ad-hoc now as you're out and about...avoid any set up dates OP. Your life and the pestering you describe does sound a bit much / cheeky. I did suspect just a touch of summer holiday off loading onto you, and that's very cheeky...they need to entertain their own DC not make a nice neighbour feel bad for anything.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2019 11:33

Your neighbour has no right being concerned about anything concerning your dogs as they are not going to be living in her house and she is the one trying to force contact between your animals and her son. She is the one who is being a brat OP.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2019 11:34

BTW those talking about allowing this carry on so as to secure free dog care, these don't sounds like the sort of people I'd allow to have a stick insect let alone my dogs.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 14/08/2019 11:41

It is none of her business what breed you have. Tell her to bugger off!

MrsGrammaticus · 14/08/2019 11:42

I hope that you won't sort of unwind the assertiveness that it no doubt took you to muster to pull back and say no. Friendship has to be mutually respectful op, recognition that everyone has boundaries. I have a pup. When I took her to training, I didn't want my teens with me. Dogs are easily distracted, training requires firmness at times, and yes, pups do play bite.....it would have been a big NO from me on that for sure! As non dog owners they're probably just a big ignorant on dog training I'd suggest.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 14/08/2019 11:44

They're taking the piss OP. It sounds to me like they're using you for free childcare. Also ALL puppies bite! They grow out of it with training and age. They've got some cheek making comments about it yet still expecting you to entertain the little one. It's a tough situation, I can sympathise with not being very good at communication and wanting to keep to myself. I'm not sure I have any solutions to offer but I want to reassure you it gets easier. I have two from puppies from the same litter (would not recommend anyone do this!) and obviously training is a life long commitment to them but they're nowhere near the hard work now at nearly 3 that they were at months of age.

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