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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is being malicious on purpose?

59 replies

Desperatetoseechange · 14/08/2019 08:48

DSS's mum asked if DH could pick DSS up from school as she had plans. No problem, but DH and I had taken the day off to get some stuff done around the house. Planned day to fit around 2 hour round trip to pick up from school. Slightly annoying, but we worked around it. DH got to school and DSS was no where to be seen. Queue frantic DH, worried for DSS. He immediately texted DS and his mum. Message immediately back from mum, 'oh yes we just saw you, my plans changed. I picked him up' no apology, no remorse - nothing.
FFS, is it just me or is this just plain nasty, petty mind games?!

OP posts:

NoSauce · 14/08/2019 10:22

Being honest, she is a horrible person. Uses DSS as a tool to upset and manipulate DH

There you go then, you have your answer. She doesn’t sound very nice at all!

VenusTiger · 14/08/2019 10:52

Your day plans aside OP, what the mum did was totally irresponsible and she needs to hear that! Your DH was scared witless wondering where his son was! Completely out of order. She needs telling, leaving out the plans you rearranged.

Cheeserton · 14/08/2019 10:57

Of course she did it on purpose. She SAW him there and said/did nothing about it! Beyond pathetic.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2019 11:02

Sounds malicious to me

Otherwise she would have spoken to your partner when she saw him, not just left him frantically searching for his son and waited for him to text. And there would have been a hint of remorse!

Original poster

Desperatetoseechange · 14/08/2019 11:19

I just can't get my head around why anyone would do that........ what's the point? What is there to gain?!

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 14/08/2019 11:36

Jealousy, anger, pain...there will be feelings behind it. Significant ones if she's using DSS. You could play the game back, or you can put the innocent child first.

For the DC sake his dad and you will have to focus on being stable and not bad-mouthing her even when she does to you. At times you will need to ignore and let go as a child is involved.

Always refer to DC at the start of all communication to bring her out of her selfish stance... "DC's pickups next week by us are...", "DC has asked if we can take him to..." etc.

My ex stopped talking about "doing me favours" when he had his DC when I started all communication based on "DC need...".

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/08/2019 11:37

She sounds unpleasant for sure.

OpheliaTodd · 14/08/2019 11:39

It’s crap behaviour but MN will argue black is white to try to excuse it.

purplewhitegreen · 14/08/2019 11:42

I just can't get my head around why anyone would do that........ what's the point? What is there to gain?!

There is really no point in trying to u understand people with twisted minds. Their brains just do not work like yours and they are not logical. (It took being with my arsehole ex to understand this).

It may be as simple as she gets a kick out of inconvenience him or upsetting him. Perhaps she likes to see she can still have an affect on him.

Who knows. It's not logical though, you won't find a reason for it that makes any sense IMO.

ACPC · 14/08/2019 11:46

Poor DSS. He's no doubt piggy in the middle of her games. Not much you can do other than call her out but that's likely what she wants. A reaction.

slipperywhensparticus · 14/08/2019 11:46

Next time she asks for a favour say no it doesn't work for you

hsegfiugseskufh · 14/08/2019 11:48

she sounds like a dick. Don't give her the satisfaction of any kind of reaction because that will be what she is aiming for, one or both of you to lose your shit with her.

I wouldn't be offering to help her out any time soon though!

Chocmallows · 14/08/2019 11:50

I wouldn't say no if you can help, but would say "DC must have been confused by the mix-up last time, can you confirm the times as we want him to be ok".

Focussing on the DC moves away from game-playing.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 11:52

“Next time she asks for a favour say no it doesn't work for you”

Problem with that is she will tell the child his dad doesn’t want to pick him up.

LittleOwl153 · 14/08/2019 11:56

Next time it happens rather than texting his mother go into school and involve them in the panic. Let them contact her to see if she has pulled a stupid stunt. She won't do it again as it will cause her embarrassment with the school - and if it does continue the school will record which might help dh in the future.

Chocmallows · 14/08/2019 12:00

Bertran exactly - it's reacting to be part of her game. Better to side step rather than be part if it. My ex's partner and mother regularly invent issues, which I have moved away from to the point I think they have given up taken years mind you but eldest DC recently said she can see I am the mature one and younger DC is not caught up in issues.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 14/08/2019 12:10

It's utterly shit, especially since they saw him and made no attempt to interact until he started texting.

You have a few options :

Play games back. This is childish,petty and will negatively impact on your DSS.

Say no all the the time and stick to contact arrangements only , but again this might impact on DSS negatively.

Make a judgement call on when it's necessary and convenient to help out. Sometimes he might miss out sometimes he won't, but he'll know you'll be there when he needs you. Don't slag off his mum,don't huff and puff when plans get changed.

happinessischocolate · 14/08/2019 13:22

This is a good idea, or go to the school 30 minutes earlier and ask for dss to be let out early as you need to be somewhere important ie drs, hospital appt etc

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 13:35

“Next time it happens rather than texting his mother go into school and involve them in the panic.“

Won’t the teacher just say “oh, he went with his mum”?

dustarr73 · 14/08/2019 14:12

@BertrandRussell i read it as involving other people will embarrass her.So less likely to do it in future.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 14:15

“@BertrandRussell i read it as involving other people will embarrass her.So less likely to do it in future.“

But it won’t. The school knew he’d gone off with his mum- it would just make the dad look like an idiot. I think he’s in a completely lose/lose situation.

RainbowAlicorn · 14/08/2019 14:24

She saw him at the school but didn't go over or let him know she had picked DS up and just let him panic thinking the worst had happened. That's just pure malice.

Even if they were likely to get in a fight if they met up, she still could have let DS go upto his dad and let him know he was safe.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 14:29

I think she behaved appallingly. If her plans changed she should have texted him. As it is it sounds as if she was being deliberately gittish.

But i’m not sure why he panicked and started texting people before checking with the teacher.........

ColaFreezePop · 14/08/2019 14:33

If she has a history of behaviour like this and there is any form of agreed schedule of when you both have the boy, when she next asks for a "favour" tell your DH to simply say to ger "Sorry I am unavailable". He must not go into explanations.

If your DH refuses to do this, tell him if he says "Yes" you will leave him to it and her behaviour is now for him to deal with alone. Don't let him engage into any discussions with you about his ex's poor behaviour except to tell him he's letting his son down by not being consistent.

While you can't control her behaviour you can both contain it so the boy isn't screwed around.

BertrandRussell · 14/08/2019 14:40

“boy, when she next asks for a "favour" tell your DH to simply say to ger "Sorry I am unavailable". He must not go into explanations.”
And when she says to the boy “Daddy didn’t want to come and see you today”?

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