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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact school about this dinner lady?

29 replies

Poolrefusers · 13/08/2019 22:03

We bought our house from someone who has since taken a post as a dinner lady in ds’s school. It is a unique property and was designed/commissioned (don’t know if that’s the right word) by the woman and her then husband and the sale was the result of their divorce – I think those details are probably relevant. Ds was pointed out to her by another dinner lady who is a neighbour (I assume – I can’t think of another way she would know him as we moved 7 years ago when he was a toddler) and has since made some comments to ds which I am starting to think are intrusive.

He has said several times that she has asked whether we may be selling the house as her adult dc would like to buy it. In the context of this she has mentioned how much she loved living there. She has commented on trees we have had cut down and how in her opinion they should have been left. Finally she has asked whether she can have some fruit off a fruit tree we have and has told ds how she planted it – at some length, or she has mentioned this several times. It’s in my head now because this afternoon I commented that this tree needs pruning and ds was adamant that it couldn’t be (think he thought I meant cut it down) as Mrs X would be cross and she wants some fruit etc etc.

I feel like this woman may be over-stepping the mark somewhat and am considering emailing the school when we go back to see if someone can have a quiet word. I don’t ever go there so a more informal chat isn’t possible. For ds to be thinking about this when he hasn’t seen her for a few weeks suggests to me she has made quite an impression and it isn’t just a one off light-hearted remark she has made. I don’t want to exaggerate and say she has scared him, but he definitely doesn’t seem to want to piss her off. He’s fairly timid and very well-behaved (at school!) and most dinner ladies are quite tough and I think she may have inadvertently (hopefully) put the wind up him, and I don’t think that’s fair. On the other hand I don’t want to seem silly or to cause trouble for her. But I would like the comments to stop now. AIBU?

OP posts:

Marshmallow91 · 13/08/2019 22:08

I think emailing is probably the best way forward. I agree it's intrusive and unnecessary the things she has said. She's sold the house, she needs to move on.

Tigger001 · 13/08/2019 22:09

if you really dont want to cause trouble for her surely you dont need to inform the school.
Could you go by the school yourself, for this one occasion, to discuss it quietly with her if you think its upsetting/ playing on your sons mind.?

TiIIy · 13/08/2019 22:10

I'd contact the school. It isn't fair to persistently chase the issue with your child, she's crossed a line professionally.. I'd make sure all contact was via the school so it's logged. Not approaching her directly.

AguerosAngel · 13/08/2019 22:12

I’d definitely email, it’s so rude and is obviously making your poor DS feel uncomfortable.

YANBU!

terriblyangryattimes · 13/08/2019 22:23

I too vote a quick email to your school- basically saying what you have written here. It's not fair for her to be talking to a young kid about things like this at all!good luck.

fluffyjumper · 13/08/2019 22:31

I agree an email to the school. I think she has crossed a line and is not being age appropriate with your son. I'm sure shes is just cut up about selling up but needs to stay within boundaries.

MardyMavis · 13/08/2019 22:34

Defiantly tell the school! That's ridiculous and a bit mad tbh, it's making your son feel like it isn't even his home she has no right going on at him about it, if she gets in trouble tough shit.

Yesitsdyed · 13/08/2019 22:36

Email. It’s personal and overstepping a mark. Where and how pupils live is nothing to do with her.

FamilyOfAliens · 13/08/2019 22:40

Could you go by the school yourself, for this one occasion, to discuss it quietly with her if you think its upsetting/ playing on your sons mind.?

No, you wouldn’t be given permission to go into someone’s place of work and discuss something like this with them.

You need to email the school as she is overstepping the boundaries with your DS by bringing issues from outside school into school.

Bookworm4 · 13/08/2019 22:43

Email the school, she sounds completely mental, who the feck talks to a child like this? What age is your boy?

AngelasAshes · 13/08/2019 22:46

You know, you CAN contact her via the estate agents that brokered the sale of the house.
I only suggest that because it’s a way to chat with her without involving the school and potentially costing her her job. She may be special needs or something.

sheshootssheimplores · 13/08/2019 22:50

Yep I too would contact the school. Just keep it pretty low key and hopefully they’ll have a word and it will stop.

FamilyOfAliens · 13/08/2019 22:52

I only suggest that because it’s a way to chat with her without involving the school and potentially costing her her job.

It’s her own actions that have put her job at risk, not the OP.

CanuckBC · 13/08/2019 22:57

Absolutely inappropriate! There is no way he should be worried she would be upset over a tree being trimmed, felled or anything else done at your home! She has no say what you do to the home you own!

She may be dreaming that her adult children want to purchase it if you decide to sell one day. She may be bitter at having to sell due to divorce. Not your problem!

She absolutely should not be making it your child’s issue! Overstepping is an understatement

I would be emailing and follow up to make sure something has been said. An apology would be needed and for something to be said to your child that she overstepped and will no longer be discussing the matter.

Dutch1e · 13/08/2019 23:00

She may be special needs or something.

If there's a kind of special needs that leads to a person heavying a little kid then it's perhaps inappropriate in a school.

She's not special needs, she's just batshit.

Bookworm4 · 13/08/2019 23:01

Special needs? Feck off, what next? Anxiety?

HennyPennyHorror · 13/08/2019 23:08

she may be special needs or something

You can't BE special needs ffs. Special needs don't make up a person!

You can HAVE Special needs.

TokyoSushi · 13/08/2019 23:09

Yep, contact the school, totally inappropriate and quite frankly weird.

lavenderbluedilly · 13/08/2019 23:12

most dinner ladies are quite tough

Sorry but what do you mean by this?

Courtney555 · 13/08/2019 23:18

She can't interrogate a child about their home because she wants to sniff out a potential purchase for her family!

She could go to your house and put a note through the door enquiring if you are considering selling, leaving her contact details should that be the case, from one adult to another...but she absolutely can't quiz a child about it.

You absolutely email the school.

Original poster

Poolrefusers · 13/08/2019 23:27

Glad to see I'm not being ridiculous - I'll email for sure.

Tough wasn't the right word. I mean they are generally no nonsense types - for obvious reasons in their job. I didn't mean it disparagingly, just that ds maybe thinks just like he would not dream of messing around at lunch time in case she told him off he would not dream of allowing the fruit tree to be cut down in case she told him off. I suppose it's a clumsy way of saying she appears to have abused the authority she has over him, though I'm going to assume she has not deliberately set out to do this.

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 23:31

That's really weird and inappropriate. I can see why your son might be a bit freaked out. Agree you should drop a line to the school.

nameonhat · 13/08/2019 23:34

''Tough wasn't the right word. I mean they are generally no nonsense types - for obvious reasons in their job.''

not true, that's like saying all teachers are no nonsense.

Icecreamsoda99 · 14/08/2019 08:29

Can you speak to your son and tell him to just reply "i don't know, you need to speak to mummy and daddy about that" repeatedly to whatever she asks so she doesn't get any engagement from him and feels empowered to have a response. You can email as well or ask for someone to call you, might be easier to explain via phone.

Barbarafromblackpool · 14/08/2019 08:34

I'd email school. She's lost the right to be warned by you by repeatedly speaking to your son about this.

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