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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think depression isn't an excuse for not walking a dog

68 replies

cowsoy · 13/08/2019 20:32

Or at least arranging for someone else to walk it. Someone I know suffers depression and their dog is left unwalked.

I feel quite sorry for the dog and a bit annoyed at the person. Perhaps I could offer to walk the dog for them? I'm worried though that they might just expect me to walk it forever...

On the other hand, I do understand that people with depression can be physically unable to get out of bed, so I am partly being unreasonable.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

TheNavigator · 13/08/2019 20:59

AIBU to think that it's unfortunate that due to depression, a dog isn't being walked, and what can I do about it?

Yes, I think that is a fair summary of the situation. It is not right that the dog is neglected, but your friend did not choose to be ill - she'd be well if she could! I think it is how best to ensure the dog isn't neglected whilst your friend is at her most unwell, as the dog will be a huge support and help for her if she starts to get a bit better.

TheYeaSayer · 13/08/2019 21:01

Would you regard it as cruel if it were physical illness that prevented the walks, rather than a mental one, missmouse?

Sorrysorrysosorry · 13/08/2019 21:03

cowsoy

Yes, your updated way of wording it and asking ‘what can I do about it?’ Is better.

Could you offer to walk it? Offer to put a rota of other dog walkers together to walk it?

I have to say the RSPCA aren’t interested in people who don’t walk their dogs. As long as they are fed, watered and have shelter then their minimum (very minimum!) needs are being met.

Sad.

LunaNova · 13/08/2019 21:04

I echo what PP's have said that it would probably be really appreciated if you offered to walk the dog and invited the person to come with you with no obligation if they didn't feel like it.

That being said, I also think it depends on the dog what kind of exercise needs they have. For example, I have a 5 year old mixed breed who is quite a nervy dog, she would actually prefer to play tug/other games in the back garden for an hour than go for a walk. On the other hand I have a 2 year old cockapoo who would be bouncing off the walls without her daily walk/agility classes.

Do you know if the dog is generally well balanced? It might be an overwhelming task for the person to take the dog out if it is reactive or doesn't walk nicely, perhaps you just being there on a walk would encourage your friend to join you.

I don't think you would be expected to walk the dog forever (although you might enjoy it that much that you want to).

Sunflowers11 · 13/08/2019 21:06

Oh good for you looking down your nose at this clearly unwell person. Judgemental undedicated idiot. How about offering to walk the dog, and whilst you are at it educate yourself on Mental illness. Clearly those agreeing with you have been very fortunate enough to have never experienced how debilitating it can be.

Branster · 13/08/2019 21:12

It’s a difficult situation. The dog owner clearly needs a lot of support, understanding and encouragement. The idea of you walking the dog with the dog owner is very good if you can convince the dog owner to join it for their own benefit. Absolutely being out would be beneficial and the company of the dog on its own is beneficial. Try and be as kind and encouraging as you can and ascertain if there are any family members that could help with dog walks or if the dog owner could afford a dog walking service.
If you are not used to dogs yourself OP and the dog is well behaved and not aggressive, you might enjoy the experience.

TheYeaSayer · 13/08/2019 21:13

Sunflowers to be fair, OP has revised their statement and taken on board suggestions and comments. Also is considering offering to walk the dog.

HeavenOrSpace · 13/08/2019 21:15

A dog who isn't always walked every day doesn't have to be living a miserable existence. Depends on the breed and the individual dog but most are very adaptable and there are ways to exercise and entertain a dog without leaving the house if you are ill in any way.
Neglecting to feed and water or provide vet care when needed would obviously be a different matter but as a dog owner who suffers quite badly from depression I always do my best by my dogs and prioritise what's most important. Sometimes I do manage to force myself on a walk even when I'm not feeling up to it. Sometimes I just can't.

Sobeyondthehills · 13/08/2019 21:15

I have suffered from depression at times it has been a struggle to get out of bed.

You say the dog isn't being walked, but does it have access to a garden?

My dog is reactive, so on certain days, we don't walk him, but on those days we do more brain activities with him,, so he is still stimulated. Also I am sure our neighbours think we don't walk him, but we do late night and early mornings with him, so is it possible that is happening?

On the days we walk him, its normally past midnight and my partner walks him at 5am as well. Its only recently we have started to expand our training to walking during the day

bumblingbovine49 · 13/08/2019 21:15

Would she be more likely to get up and walk the dog if you were able to go round and encourage her to walk the dog with you?

Even if you can't go every day, maybe having someone say 'dog needs a walk, would you be able to come with me as I don't feel completely confident walking them on my own' or something like that

If they come with you, they are also getting some fresh air and bit o exercise which can only be helpful ( or at least hopefully not unhelpful anyway) and the dog gets a walk

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/08/2019 21:16

I would offer to walk the dog (if you're able to) and as a PP said, perhaps ask your friend whether they like to come with you. They may not be able to manage it right now, but it might encourage them to try one day.

I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out that their dog needs exercise and then offering a solution. They might already be fretting about it but unable to do it themselves right now.

backwithabang · 13/08/2019 21:16

is the dog normally walked ? ?

many arent and their owners are not depressed

OverpricedFloorCushion · 13/08/2019 21:17

Have you bothered to read the actual thread Sunflowers?

OP asked in the first post of she should offer to help by walking the dog.

I haven't sensed any judgement or ignorance from any of her posts, just concern.

OP, maybe you could text your friend and say you'd like to help by walking the dog for her or with her - you could even say you'd like to get more excercise yourself so she'd be helping you out too. That might take the edge off any embarrassment she might feel.

Youmadorwhat · 13/08/2019 21:18

Do you have depression OP??

NobleRot · 13/08/2019 21:19

I remember during one episode crying with exhaustion because the bathroom (an en-suite about ten feet away) was too far.

I think your rephrase is fair and humane, OP.

Ohyesiam · 13/08/2019 21:22

Some people have an odd idea if what depression is.
I remembered a friend of mine being so depressed and really wanting the coffee ☕️ front of thembut not being able to lift her hand to get it. I am an empath and have always worked in healthcare but found this shocking to hear. I think I didn’t want to know on sone level how debilitating depression can be.

So overall in your shoes op I’d try to find a way to offer to walk the dog while making it clear youcant so it ongoingly.

worriedaboutneiggbour · 13/08/2019 21:24

When I was at my lowest I couldn't even make a cup of tea. There was no mental space in my head to manage the thought process involved in doing anything. I was consumed by the bleakness. Alongside this it was also physically debilitating. I found it very difficult to eat and had no energy. Everything was an insurmountable task. I didn't have a choice about what I could manage. It felt like everything was impossible. Please don't judge someone suffering from depression. No one would expect someone with a physical ailment to just try harder to be well. Getting out for a walk is incredibly beneficial but if they're as low as I was it is too much to ask. And depression also comes with a huge amount of guilt and self recrimination. They probably already feel awful about not being able to walk their dog.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/08/2019 21:25

This sounds judgy, but if your friend really can't take care of the dog long-term, though, they should consider rehoming it. It's not fair to keep a pet that you can't care for, whatever the reason. I would rehome our dog if we couldn't look after him adequately.

Dora26 · 13/08/2019 21:33

Depression can make me unable to leave the house for weeks at a time. I adore my dog and luckily can make a paid arrangement for walking - an offer of help with this - or anything basic is a Godsend. Some of you pp have no idea what clinical depression is - for shame in this day and age - may you never feel it firsthand!

HeresMe · 13/08/2019 21:34

I'm torn a lot of ways on this as a dog lover, I know they need walking,as a depression sufferer I know it can be hard to motivate yourself to do anything.

A unjudgmental creature can be a great help and if in middle of a episode I'd try my best to meet there needs, but if you feel the sufferer can't then please offer to help them out, they may be really greatful.

Original poster

cowsoy · 13/08/2019 21:35

I think the answers to this thread have been really helpful. I will offer to walk the dog, with the mindset that I'm helping them because they're ill, not that I'm having to do it because they can't be arsed to.

Youmadorwhat: I do suffer from depression but not in a debilitating way, it's very mild. That's why I maybe couldn't empathize at first with the not being able to get up and walk the dog thing.

Sunflowers: I do understand what you're saying but I think it's a bit counterintuitive to think that anyone that doesn't have a full understanding of the symptoms of depression is some evil judgmental person going around looking down on depressed people for being so slovenly and lazy. I do think it's hard to identify with that if you've never experienced that before, which I haven't.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 13/08/2019 21:38

@Ohyesiam I have done similar. A glass of water and I’m really thirsty but I can’t make myself reach out and pick it up to take a drink.
When I was bad I couldn’t have looked after my kids. I certainly wouldn’t have been out dog walking. I’ve worked hard to change that but it’s not a quick fix and it’s not an “excuse”.

Livelovebehappy · 13/08/2019 21:42

If the person had a dog prior to depression, then it’s obviously outside their control when they suddenly find themselves unable to function, and all they can do is ask for support to help with dog walking. However for someone with depression to get a dog knowing that there are going to be long stretches when the dog will not be exercised or cared for adequately, then that’s irresponsible. Bit like I wouldn’t get a dog because I work full time so it wouldn’t be walked and wouldn’t be fair. You have to think if a dog can fit into your life.

Shplot · 13/08/2019 21:43

Depression can be debilitating. I made the heartbreaking decision to rehome my dog as I felt he deserved better. I’m desperately lonely now and I feel well enough to care for an animal but I won’t as I don’t want to be in that situation again.
Maybe you can walk the dog together, that way you’ll be helping both of them

serialtester · 13/08/2019 21:44

@worriedaboutneiggbour you've described depression perfectly.

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