Narc controlling ex...AIBU to think I can get a dog if I want?

[Flappypants]

Hello
It's been a while since I was last on here. I'm the one with the speeding, sexually abusive narc gaslighting arseface STBXH.

Brief background/update...the DC and I ended up in a refuge last July after some superb support off this forum. It has been one of the worst - and weirdly best - 15 months if my life. But it's a horrible shitstorm still and he has managed to do enough of a number on CAFCASS to eventually get contact built up to 50/50 in due course. He hasn't lived here since last July. We both own the house. Finances ar3 yet to be sorted but there is no way the marital home can be kept.

While we were together he wouldn't let us have a dog. Our son has additional needs and both DC have really struggled with extended (or any really) contact. DD is still BF at age 3 even after four nights away. I feel that the upheaval of moving house, more and more time away from me with a father who ignored us completely for 7 years, the additional emotional and mental stress they are suffering etc would be alleviated by a sort of "therapy" dog. Speaking personally, I'm also lonely...when I'm by myself in the evenings and when the DC are away. I have hobbies, friends, I socialise and fill my time but my chest is cleaved by this whole process.

Anyway, STBXH keeps telling DS that I can't get a dog at this house and tonight during a contact call said "Mummy is going to have to talk to Daddy about that" when DS said we were getting one.

One one level of course the nasty bastard can't tell me what I can and can't do any more and he thinks he can still control me but is there any legal reason I can't get a dog? We could be here for ages yet but it will help the children cope with the transition to a new house eventually. Is he just being a total knob head and forgetting that he no longer has a say in my life??

There's so so much more I need to ask you all about narcs, children, how you cope with awful custody outcomes etc but we've found a doggo to adopt potentially!

TIA x

Unless the children have an allergy, there's nothing he can do to stop you getting a dog. Given your children have additional needs maybe look into the gentle breeds; gundogs like labrador etc, bound to be people here who can help you think through the options.
Well done for getting out!

Sounds like the family has been through a lot of upheaval and change.
Have you tried Borrow my doggy to see whether it really is a good fit for the family? Might save you all a lot of stress and further upheaval if anything doesn’t work out with doggo.
Perhaps STBXH is thinking you’ll be spending too much on a dog? Either way, I reckon its none of his sodding business.

Sounds like you and DC need some positivity, and a dog might be the answer but as I suggested, trial before you commit.
maybe STBXH is feeling dejected that you’re replacing him with someone better?

Not his business. He's a controlling knob - but you know that. If you want a dog, go ahead and get one. Be aware if you end up moving into rented accommodation but may need to pay a higher deposit.

The only thing I’d be cautious about is if you are going to move into rented accommodation. You might find it really hard to find a landlord that accepts pets.

I doubt he can stop you but are you sure it’s a good idea?
It doesn’t sound like things are settled enough yet for a dog and you seem to be expecting a dog to fix a lot of things and it might not, it could make things worse.
Also, if you are like me if someone tells me I’m not allowed to do something I’m likely to do it on principle so please make sure that’s not a prime motivation for getting the dog
I’m not saying don’t get a dog but maybe it’s not the right time yet

Is there any legal reason he can’t enter the house while you’re out and remove the dog? Just wondering. Otherwise, I’d say go ahead.

Op if you are back in family home it is your choice. If you are in a refuge or other temporary or renting accommodation then check your landlord as it may not be possible.

Well done for getting free 💐

A dog sounds like a wonderful healing idea for you all. Someone I know has done similar and it’s been superb for all of them and had such a wonderful affect on the whole family.

I would echo what Panama says if your moving into rented please don’t get one. It can be a nightmare finding a landlord to take you and then your conscious the next one might not. It just adds an extra stress to find a rental in your school area that will accept a dog.

However if your buying, enjoy your new dog

Hi

Thank you so much. I've been giving it such a lot of thought. A puppy would be way too much for me to manage but we have a lot of contact with a lot of dogs ranging from Dachshunds to cockapoos to Newfoundlands and it's so clear that the children are ready and that I would benefit too.

But I do also absolutely take on board what you're saying and I shall continue to give it some serious thought. It won't be a lightly taken decision either way!!

You're doing really well. Well done OP.
I'd only caution to get either an already trained dog/older dog, at least 2 years old.
Puppies look cute but are much harder work than a toddler, in my experience, so I'd avoid buying a puppy.

My legal people (Brief and solicitor) both say with some certainty that the outcome will be a house for us at the very least. And if for any reason we did have to rent, it would be a private (but formal) rental through my best friend, as I have already discussed and explored that eventuality.

We have found a family dog, a five year old Beagle whose family can no longer keep her.

I'm checking her background for any trauma, her training/recall/command responses etc before we take it any further. I'm not up for a puppy at this stage!!!

He can't stop you getting a dog. But the rental point is a good one.

Ah cross post.

Beagles need a lot of attention! If you have that, go for it.

I have two Beagles and have fostered over 100 dogs for a local charity over the years. My Beagles are lovely, two very calm, very quiet dogs. Beagles need an interesting garden (to sniff) and at least a 6ft fence (they jump and go after interesting smells). Don’t expect recall from a Beagle unless very well trained (and even then it’s iffy). Mine are both very well trained, I’d not off-lead walk either of them though. Both would sniff something and be gone, come back a while later and wonder why mummy was tired out (erm from running after you DeeDee and Barney?!?). Some beagles are very high energy dogs though, I fostered one a couple of years ago and she was 4 when we had her... she was erm, slightly high energy 😂 she ran with her new adopter for 2-3 hours with her new doggy brother on a long long walk, then she went home, not tired in the slightest and ran round the garden for an hour. Her poor new doggy brother was exhausted, she wasn’t 😃. My two, well if I asked them to walk for more than an hour I’d end up carrying one or both of them, they’re fit enough... they just don’t want to do more than a 45 minute jog round the park and maybe a funny five minutes round the garden each night!

Beagles are generally fantastic with kids but if the dog hasn’t been around kids the age yours are before be cautious, particularly initially and particularly as your kids have additional needs. Both my kids (8&12) have ASD but this isn’t an issue to the furry ones, they’re 2&3 and used to the kids completely.

A Beagle is a great choice for a family pet, rescue is always good if you’re careful and your ex, well he doesn’t live there so it’s absolutely none of his business 😃

Feel free to pm if you wish to chat about beagles or introducing a dog to a new household, I’ve done it a few times 😂

Btw, all the Beagles I’ve owned and fostered were rescues. My two now were found dumped on the Brecon Beacons and brought to the south west for adoption. I’ve had them both since the day they were brought here, a dog and a bitch, both most likely former breeding/puppy farm dogs. Trauma in the past can have a massive effect or no effect. Dee, my 2 year old bitch was still in milk even after her compulsory 7 days in the pound so definitely had been bred. Her worst fault now? Not being willing to share her bed with her brothers ... we have three dogs, three beds, all of them are hers. Obviously. 🐶💕🐶

First thing I did when me and dc left was get a ddog! Gave me a massive sense of control over my life for a change!!
Had time for training etc while dc were with exh. Kept me distracted from worrying so much about them too!

Fuck him. Get two 😂 Honestly though, he can't control you any more x

Beware of beagles! They are notorious for lack of recall, so if you want a dog you can let off while you wander through beautiful woods etc, think again!

This might be outing as I often tell this story.

After splitting with my abusive XH my son cane charging up the stairs, shouting to his sister ' Sister, Sister, mum says we can replace Dad with a jack Russell'. It still makes me laugh.

Btw that's not what I had said. I'd just told him we'd get a dog.
I found her a massive comfort and great company. The children ( one with asd) found her a great therapy.

The dog I am looking at was with her family...with children...from three months old but only kept outside so now I'm worried about house training!!!

Asking lots of questions with the adoption people

YANBU as pets can be very healing. A couple of things to consider. Are you sure he could never ever lay hands on or get sight of the dog? Abusers often target pets as they use this as a way to manipulate the family, and a dig can't fight back. Please for the dogs sake, don't put it at risk of meeting the ex, ever. Secondly, it can severely limit rental potential. Is there any chance you could wait until you're in a more secure housing situation, otherwise it could make you more vulnerable. I'd recommend golden retrievers as family dogs, and I would go for a puppy, do you know their entire history.

I work for children's social services and have a lot of direct work experience with domestic abuse victims/perpetrators. Your ex can do nothing to stop you getting a dog, I would encourage you to do it for all the reasons you have outlined. As any parent in any situation you are responsible for keeping your kids safe so as long as you risk assess properly the potential risks the dog poses to your family and mitigate against these risks by safety planning which would just usually involve going to training classes, getting full history of dog etc then children's services would have no concerns and your ex's objections would be viewed as just a bitter ex spouting off.childrens services and cafcass hear a lot of this and can usually judge it for what it is. Go ahead and enjoy your pet.

Moonflower that is so funny!!!