banning photos of my DC on SM

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Afternoon all!

Popular topic, just looking for advice on how to deal with the fall out of deciding that there are to be no photos of my DC on SM.

MIL went mental - apparently DP and I have stopped her showing off her grandchild - mutual decision from us both and other family members have said they'll post regardless.
AIBU? Is it a thing to do? DP and I are quite private and we don't have the time to be policing social media to report pictures.

How did other people deal with this? TIA

It’s tough. My parents don’t really use it and my brother and SIL have started asking first which is appreciated.

The in laws..... totally different! We asked them not to post when DD was born and they kept to that. FIL is the worst. He knows we don’t like it but still does it on occasion. I understand he is proud but he has hundreds and hundreds of “friends” who don’t need to see my child.
So I only send photos to MIL on a private message.
I’m not sure what you can do if they are determined to ignore you.

I get it. But without specific reason i think its a massive shame. Social media can be great for maintaining contact and solidifiying relationships with extended family and friends. The people that matter to you are big part of that. Its also a pain if for example in a group shot if you have to crop or cover part of that photo, or you forget.

The flip side is that is that whilst i do share photos of my kids online there are people who definitely shouldn't be seeing them. Not normally a problem but at a recent wedding there was potential cross over in friends of friends. Tbh the fall out over this was huge and some relationships haven't quite been the same since. There was no way i would have insisted if there wasnt safeguarding reasons why, which is hard to explain when you dont really want to share your personal business with all and sundry.

So do think carefully about how important this really is to you.

YANBU. People don’t realise how many websites there are populated by peodophiles who get photos from social media. There have been social media ‘influecers’ whose children are on these sites (found by doing a reverse image search of the kids pictures). Lots of people will not believe this or think I’m over exaggerating, but they just have their head in the sand.

YANBU. We do not share pictures of our child. I think he has a right to decide what he wants online when he is old enough. After a few teething difficulties with MIL it's been fine. Just pull it up every time with the threat of no longer sending updates/photos.

Personally I think its a shame and think its a nice way to share. Just keep educated on security settings and update them regularly.

However I have some inlaws who feel the same as you and requested no photos of their children. We have all respected that. Their children, their choice.

Although I have noticed as they kids get a bit older they seem to have started positing the odd photo themselves now.

Just send them photos on WhatsApp. Perhaps create a group. I can understand them missing seeing photos and if they really want they. An then forward photos onto their friends occasionally or have them on their phone to show, without the photos being publicly displayed on SM.

Your child, so your decision which everyone has to respect. I have a family member who has chosen to do this and whilst it isn't what the rest of us chose to do, we completely accept that this is her decision for her children. We are all sensible enough to understand that it is nothing to do with us, but what she wants for her DC and so we don't take offence. Your MIL needs to wind her neck in - IMO!

It is a big limitation. sM is how we stay connected and engaged in our far flung family.

That said, they should not violate your rules. They are allowed to complain, but they must follow them.

As for policing, the only way to do that is to be active on their SM and check regularly. Even then, they could set privacy settings to block you from seeing just the problematic posts.

I'm the same. I had to ask a member of DHs family to take photos of DS done recently which he did without argument. Simple as, it's your kids, your decision. If others dont like it, they dont get to receive/take photos! And that's it! They can share via whatsapp

How do they use social media?

We allow my MIL (12 friends, high privacy setting) and OMiL (50 friends and family, knows them all, high privacy settings) to post photos of the kids.

DH’s SIL (his first wife’s sister, OMiL’s DD) has 5000 ‘friends’ and no privacy so we asked her not too and she doesn’t as she knows we’d just remove her from seeing anything if she did.

I find that a better option than complete ban.

Ultimately it's up to you.

I think it's kind of a shame for grandparents not to be able to share pics of their grandkids. Before Facebook, loads of grandmas I knew used to keep little mini photo books of their grandkids in their bags to do their proud grandma thing with their friends. Now, that's been replaced by Facebook, so I feel a bit sad for the grandparents who don't get to share. At the same time, though, I can totally understand parents' concerns too.

The kid is not old enough to consent so until then no-one post pictures of them on SM.

People don't want to find when they are 20-something going for a serious job that someone finds a goofy picture of them when they were 8.

I've already had companies try to find out about me on through internet searches hence my DC has no pictures of her on SM. If I find any I will report them I don't care who in my family or friends posts them.

Thanks for replies so far.
I used to work with (and may yet return to that career) children who for a variety of reasons are unable to be educated with other kids so safeguarding myself (and now DC) has been V important. My own personal SM settings are pie hot.
I thought about a Whatsapp group but people insisting they'll post anyway puts me off. It's only really DPs family affected really and they live close enough to visit (but never do)

I think most people make a decision like this for safety reasons, for example if they don’t want to be found by another family member - personally I think a blanket ban is a bit OTT, just as I think sharing every day and aspect of a child’s day to day life is very unnecessary, surely there’s a sensible middle ground? But it’s definitely up to the parent to decide what they’re comfortable with so your MIL will just have to learn to deal with it - children aren’t for showing off after all and presumably she can still physically show a picture on her phone to a friend. Do you share pictures of your DC yourselves?

mutual decision from us both and other family members have said they'll post regardless

How bloody rude.

Your child, your rules. If they continue to disregard these I would a) report consistently to the social media site and have the images taken down and b) remove certain grandparental privileges until they get the message that you mean business. I.e. images posted on oe occasion, contact suspended for a set period. Do it again and it doubles, etc etc. And don't relent until the respect the fact that you are the parents and what you say goes.

Just where do people get off with this sort of sense of entitlement? Children are people, not shiny new dollies to 'show off'.

YADNBU.

I'm always interested in why people decide no photos on SM. Our 2 are adopted locally so we had to be very careful about photos when they were young. Obviously some children mustn't be able to be identified for safe guarding reasons. But I really don't understand the paedophile angle. In that as long as children are not photo'd in the bath or in little or no clothing. I don't see a problem.

OP if any family member dared to defy my wishes for my DC they would NOT get ANYTHING. their fucking phones would be taken off them the moment they stepped through the door. How dare they say they will just post them anyway!! And if they don’t come to see your child they clearly want to ‘look’ like a proud relative when they clearly are not that arsed. How dare they!!!!

@PixieLumos we don't because DC isn't due till November.Having photos on phones wouldn't be an issue, I'm not saying that we'll never document our Childs existence but I don't want to
a) share all of my business with people I don't know
b) rely on family members with piss poor SM account settings to keep my child safe.
I just really don't like the thought of Mt child being plastered and accessible to 100s of strangers via their social media.
I would like to control my Childs social media presence until they are old enough to decide what they want of themselves shared that is all.
DP and I have decided this - Im looking more for advice from people who have struggled with negativity about it.

I totally get it op. I would ban children on social media if I could. No-one NEEDS to share anything publicly, their right to show off does not trump your child's privacy. The paedophile angle is valid but it's not only that. Children don't give their consent to have their personal information and photos shared about. Why can't a childhood be free from all that? Photos can be shared between family members in private messages - they won't be missing out on anything so why on earth is it a "shame?" If they want to be decent grandparents, they need to be with their grandchildren not bragging on social media!

I have unfollowed lots of these desperately competitive grandmas on Facebook because they're highly irritating and are always using their grandchildren to make themselves look wonderful. Same with any parents who share photos of their children in the bath/in hospital/asleep in bed to get attention from other people. I honestly think we're losing sense of sensible boundaries. Let children be children and their lives be their own. There's plenty of time for this nonsense when they are adults and can consent to sharing every detail of their lives as if it's world news.

Having worked in some interesting environments - the peadophile angle is a very real threat. 80% of material found on the dark web has been lifted from the accounts of people they knew. The photographs are often heavily edited, and even though its not your Childs 'actual' body it still can make them a target. Kids in school uniform etc are incredibly desirable to these creature for example. It has a knock on effect. I just don't want the ins and out of my child on SM that's all Im asking for.

Completely agree with you OP. I am not on SM, if anyone (family members) wanted a photo of my kids they got an old fashioned photo, and that was it.

My Daughter has an image stolen, and someone made comments you know those ‘Marie is wistfully thinking .....’
‘Dave suddenly remembered ....’

Followed by something totally rude and inappropriate. More a porn version.

Anyway the police got involved but that refilled photo is still out there.

Those that share those types of pics forget they are someone’s child.

I've had this with my exh. Hugely pissed off that he has No security settings at all (because he is so UTTERLY fabulous and has to share himself with the whole world, seriously!) As we haven't been to court or anything, he has just ignored my request that they be kept off SM until old enough to give permission. Sorry, not helpful, just a bit of a rant, I feel your irritation!

Just say I’m sorry but my children’s online privacy is more important to me than your wrongly perceived right to show off your grandchildren.

I didn’t give birth to your grandchildren for you to undermine my parenting decisions whilst putting their privacy at risk.

If you’re not going to respect our parenting wishes, then I’m sorry but no photos will be shared with you and 1-1 contact will be stopped until you can be trusted.

I will not allow my parenting and protection of my children to be undermined by anybody. It is not up for discussion and by going against our wishes, you’ll not only not be allowed to ‘show them off’ whatever that means, but you’ll not be able to see them unsupervised either.

I really can't understand why anyone wants to post photographs on SM all the time. I wish people would just enjoy the moment rather than all the posing for photos for SM. So tired of going to events and instead of enjoying the match/concert I'm surrounded by people waving phones about.