banning photos of my DC on SM

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Afternoon all!

Popular topic, just looking for advice on how to deal with the fall out of deciding that there are to be no photos of my DC on SM.

MIL went mental - apparently DP and I have stopped her showing off her grandchild - mutual decision from us both and other family members have said they'll post regardless.
AIBU? Is it a thing to do? DP and I are quite private and we don't have the time to be policing social media to report pictures.

How did other people deal with this? TIA

I’d also write- I didn’t want to write this and cause conflict but your lack of understanding of boundary’s have left me no choice.
I hope our stance on this has now been made clear, this is not up for discussion. Please just respect our parenting so this doesn’t have to escalate.

I agree, it should be the child's decision, when they are old enough, what to share. Being un-googlable may become a huge asset in the future, and updating privacy settings just doesn't cut it when you're sharing photos regularly.

YANBU I feel for poor DCs growing up with their photos available many years later. I found a flickr account (public) that my cousin had set up to promote her photos yesterday fill of pictures of DH and the DCs taken years ago and shared without consent.

I would have been mortified if as a teenager photos of my 5 year old self had been available and feel the same for them (disclaimer before I knew better I did share photos of them in SM)

Are you worried if you send them pics PM whatsapp they will post to Facebook?

If so I'd send non identifiable pics. In costume. Silhouette. Close ups of baby hands etc. And see how it goes. If they post these you can carry on non identifying pics or reduce. If they dont post any you can send the odd proper pic. You can always print them off some pics on high gloss (so harder to take a pic of) for them to have in their home rather than sending them any

I decided a blanket ban would be easier to explain /understand and 'police' than specifying which types of photo were OK, or who was /wasn't allowed to post what. In 6 years I have only had to ask for 1 photo to be removed/changed (was a group photo, DC face was then covered with a stamp instead). When people were a bit surprised at first I just explained that I wanted to protect DC's privacy. People could take photos when they actually visited /spent time with my DC and for those who lived too far away to visit much I emailed photos regularly so they weren't 'missing out.' As long as you are clear and consistent in what you say it should be easier for people to go along with. Also come up with solutions to any objections they might make.

When I was pregnant with ds1 I got rid of all social media and kindly (very kindly) asked people to refrain from posting pictures of my children on any of their social media, I was ok with the odd special family photo if someone's account was totally private. No one listened to me, even my (ex) dh, it really upset me, I had genuine reasons to not want my children paraded online, let alone that it's not needed and a baby can't give consent for photos posted online that will be there forever! It really bothers me

This is interesting:

www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2019/02/when-kids-realize-their-whole-life-already-online/582916/

I hear you! I used to post quite freely to SM but with settings to "just friends" but then I realised it wasnt fair on my dc. I'm slowly getting my dh to turn all the pics to "just me" but randomly over the years my sil will post up pics of my dc. She doesnt have dc and is a stubborn cow so I havent mentioned anything, esp as thankfully we rarely see them for them to take pictures of them personally. I do really wish I'd thought about this way back and asked for no pics on SM. My dsis has done a no SM rule with hers and it is only me out of of all the aunts etc that is on SM so its really not an issue for her thankfully.

I think you need to be very firm. Ask her why it is so important for her to show off her grandkids online, more important than keeping them safe from online predators.

Your child so your decision and others should respect that. I have some photos of ds on social media but they are all fully dressed and nothing embarrassing. Ds will never be able to give consent to his photo being anywhere so it is one of many decisions that I will make for him now and in adulthood.

I honestly think some people don't understand the dangers of social media. In years gone by you might share a family photo album with friends and family when they visited your house. You certainly wouldn't then show all their work colleagues, friends and acquaintances but this is exactly what is happening when pictures are posted on websites like Facebook.

There are very valid reasons why parents don't want pictures of their children shared. Hell, they don't even need a reason! It's their child. If someone wasn't respecting my wishes RE sharing of photos I'd simply stop sending them pictures and tell them so.

Your baby, your choice. My cousin did the same, absolute social media ban and told her sil (who posts her dc all over FB 24/7!) to remove pics she took of my cousin’ dcs.

You say the pil don’t visit you despite living nearby? Then they can carry on that tradition once the baby arrives if they won’t adhere to your wishes. Easy.

I don't post photos of ds online and would be annoyed if other people thought that it was acceptable to do that.

My dsis puts everything about her DC online. Some of it could be embarrassing for them when they are older.

Don’t enter into discussion. Your child your decision & it’s for a good reason. Those who go against it - don’t give them any pictures or let them take any. We survived fine before social media.

We don't post picture of DD on social media. She has the right to choose what she puts out there. So until she's old enough to make the decision herself we won't make it for her.

Anyone who we would want to have receive pictures of her we would send via DM or the post.

YANBU
We have never posted a picture of our children on SM. And, yes it existed and was popular when they were born. We don’t post pictures of ourselves either. I regularly look for photos of myself and get them deleted off the web.
We made the decision for safety and privacy reasons, and we are very glad we did this. Did you know by age 13 the average person has over 1000 pictures on SM? Did you know that the facial recognition trackers that both governments and private companies are trialling use SM pictures and tags to run their recognition?
If your relatives want to see pictures you can always set up a private VPN and share that way. A private VPN has no links to SM at all. It’s like having a family FB. BUT since they say they will post “anyway” I would not send them any pictures and monitor their SM for any photos and even take legal action if they do post pictures.

@WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac

Good luck with that.

With the best will in the world you're not going to stop it.

We do this... No public photos. Will ask him when he's a teen if he wants any posting. I'd hate it if my parents had posted all my childhood photos up.
We have created a 'secret' group in Facebook and invited family members. Asked then nicely to share any photos with our lil boy in on there and haven't had any issues.
I think it's down to being straight to the point and still polite when asking. Get dh to tell in laws it's important to you and why you have decided this

If someone gets all narky with you the only option is say 'no photos then'

If your ILs don’t visit you then how do they get the photos ?

I’m another who just doesn’t get the interest in putting photos on social media, and believe me, peering at a phone to look at a photo of someone’s grandchild is extremely tedious.

Just stop putting photos on line surely, and if your ILs visit just say firmly ‘no photos please’.

Agree with a PP, if anyone wants a photo of my child I would give them an old fashioned print ... not that they do now as he’s a teenager !

YANBU.
DH and I choose not to post pictures of our DC online. They can make the decision for themselves when they are old enough and fully informed of the risks of the internet and able to make their own decisions about their online privacy.
If ILs didn't respect that, they won't be in a position to be taking photos of them as I wouldn't be leaving them. Fortunately, they have no qualms and seem to respect that we have different views to SIL, who seems to have mummy blogger ambitions. I provide several photos a day over WhatsApp for their grandparental viewing.

I'd tell your MIL it's not open to negotiation and if she undermines your parenting decisions, she won't be left alone with them! Your DH will need to back you up so you have a united front.

I really don’t get these people who don’t understand that you shouldn’t put pictures of children in the public domain when they’re not able to consent.
What’s wrong with them?

I didn’t want photos of my DD on social media and I just told mine and DHs family. There wasn’t any issues but I’m not sure I would have cared if they had made a fuss. You’re not stopping them showing propel pictures or even sending them by message to people they don’t see often but I don’t know why a grandparent needs to show a child off to 300 random Facebook friends

@Ragwort baby isn't here yet so they don't visit. considering the change in attitude of my MIL (we used to lived quite privately until we found out about our bundle of joy when she turned into an overing bearing interfering witch) Im expecting her to be here ALOT once DC arrives - but my Mil issues are a whole different topic for another day 😂 😂 😂

Fwiw, conversation started as MIL shared my scan photo which we had sent her via PM on her Facebook - I didn't even post that on my SM.

Like I've said, this isn't about why I don't want photos on SM. It's more looking for advice to deal with the upset at the decision - how others have dealt with it. I do particularly like the idea of a secret Facebook group. Might be a helpful compromise.

I don’t have photos of ds in social media

Have family all over the world we keep in touch with by WhatsApp (group what’s app) or email

Its just as easily done and I don’t send endless photos or document every moment of his life