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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that he can go 24 hours without speaking to me?

41 replies

Lalandia · 13/08/2019 13:42

Been with my partner for 18 months now, we don’t live together. Both work normal 9-5 jobs. 9 out of 10 times I’m always the one who initiate contact. I’ll text him in the morning before work most days, or quick call in the evenings. At first I thought maybe it’s because I’m the first one to text/call so he doesn’t get a chance, so I stopped texting to see how long it would take him to contact me. I didn’t hear anything from him the first 24 hours , on day 2 he texted me in the evening but it was to ask something (think “ did the parcel come today”) and that was that.

I don’t think I’m being needy, one text or call would do in a 24 hour period. AIBU?

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 13/08/2019 13:45

What is he like when you are together?

munemema · 13/08/2019 13:50

I think people vary tremendous is what they "need" in this kind of contact.

When I was first with DH he lived away and we only met at weekends, probably one phonecall in between. Then he was posted and it was a weekly letter and a very occasional phonecall, so daily contact seems OTT to me.

New technology has made it so much easier to "make contact" but really, what meaningful contact can come from a text message?

Now after nearly 30 year's of marriage, if one of us was away for 24 hours, we probably wouldn't be on touch unless we had a specific reason to me. If it was longer than that maybe one or two phonecalls a week. I know it's not how everyone lives, but it seems to have worked for us.

Needing daily contact from someone you see regularly but not daily, does seem needy to me, it will be interesting to see what others think.

zeezee3 · 13/08/2019 13:53

@Lalandia

I'm on the fence here.

You do sound a bit needy - (24 hours is not that long!)

But also, it REALLY doesn't sound like he is that much into you sorry..........

18 months in, he should be a bit more keen than that. I usually only take a while to respond to texts/emails, when it's someone I don't really care about.

OnlineAlienator · 13/08/2019 13:53

I have more contact with my EX husband than that! People do vary, so you need to be clear on what you expect and be prepared he may not be able to provide it.

dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 13:55

How often do you see him face-to-face? If I was seeing someone a couple of times a week I don't think I'd necessarily feel the need to speak to them or text them every day as well.

There's no right or wrong answer here, though, really. People vary so much on what they want or need in terms of contact.

When you do call him, does he seem pleased to hear from you? If he does, then I don't think I'd be sad that he isn't the one to initiate the contact. If you're calling him and he's irritable about it and can't wait to get off the phone, that's a bit different.

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 13:57

I’d majorly back off and see what happens. If it makes no additional effort them ghost him!

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2019 13:58

How often do you actually see each other?

You don't actually sound close enough for him to be a 'partner'.

Jurassicmuma · 13/08/2019 14:01

It's obviously not enough for you which is what matters. Before I lived with my OH we'd see each other twice a week and maybe text the day before to make arrangements for when we were meeting. None of my friends could understand this though

storm11111 · 13/08/2019 17:46

This title made me laugh! The fact he can 'manage' 24 hours without passing out with sheer longing for his long lost partner says nothing about him or how he feels about you. Literally NOTHING!

Develop some awareness and understand that people think differently to you. Stop over-analysing or 'feeling sad' about insignificant things like this and guaranteed you'll feel a lot happier.

femidom12 · 13/08/2019 17:49

Storm111 can you point me in the direction of your life coaching website/dvd please Grin

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/08/2019 18:04

My DP texts me every morning to say hi and to have a good day and we live together, although we work much different hours and he does work away at times. We have a short text conversation and then go about our days he also rings me after work every day if he's away to chat about our day. We've been together 12 years and we're both happy with this level of contact. If it were to suddenly stop I'd be a little miffed but it's always been two sided.

Has he always not been much of a texter or is it a recent thing?

FireBloodAndIce · 13/08/2019 18:06

24 hours isnt that long. Different people have different expectations and some can talk for hours every day while others are happy a couple of times a week.

The question is are you doing all the prompting? How long would he leave it?

I think it's best to cool off for a bit, be less available. If he keeps up contact, great. If he stops, you know you've been more into him then he you.

Funghi · 13/08/2019 18:12

Some people just aren’t texters/callers and don’t see the need to be in touch so regularly.

Creatures of the landlines.

Ragwort · 13/08/2019 18:15

He’s not really a ‘partner’ is he, surely he’s a boyfriend? Confused.

Different people have different needs, I was dating long before texting, emails, instant messaging etc so relied on weekly phone calls and letters. Now married but DH often works away and we go days without contact, I don’t feel the need for daily texts or calls but some people like to be in constant touch. Is your boyfriend into social media, if he is constantly looking at his phone when you are together then I would think it odd if he didn’t contact you more often, but perhaps he is just not glued to his phone?

Do you get on well when you meet? Why not give the texting a break & see how often he contacts you. Who initiates the dates?

Original poster
Lalandia · 13/08/2019 18:25

I'll be 30 in January, so don't know what it's like to date someone without phones. I just feel like not speaking to your loved one for over 24 hours is long, considering the times we're living in? I know he loves me, and he's very affectionate and I'm happy when we're together. I have friends who call their DP/DHs on their lunch breaks and again when they get off work, and they live together. So I don't think I'm asking for much.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/08/2019 18:27

He’s not your DP, you’re dating.

I think no contact for 24 hours is fine in itself.

But since the contact isn’t reciprocal, you always initiate it, this suggests you’re more into him than he is you.

daisypond · 13/08/2019 18:30

I think expecting a call or message every 24 hours is very needy. Maybe every few days us more reasonable. I also think messaging or calling someone before work when they are trying to get their day started is very unreasonable. It would really annoy me to be on the receiving end of that.

JacquesHammer · 13/08/2019 18:32

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

However if you have such different ideas of what is reasonable contact, then you may not be right for each other.

orangesun35 · 13/08/2019 18:42

I actually don’t think it’s that long to 24 hours. I personally don’t think your needy .it would piss me off if l thought l was making all the effort .a relationship takes two. It also depends what he like when you are together? If you kept making all the effort and on a regular basis it took him 24 hours to reply to my texts l would be thinking he’s just not that into you . For me personally and it is a personal thing if l am in love and into that person l would be texting them because l care . Best of luck

dun1urkin · 13/08/2019 18:48

YABU
Different people have different needs and wants when it comes to this sort of thing.
Personally, I’d be completely ok with this, even in these ‘times we’re living in’ (not sure what you’re getting at there)
If my DH rang me when I was at work I’d think there was something wrong, and I’d be majorly pissed off with him if he called me for a chat in the way you describe your colleagues call their OHs.
Why don’t you talk to him about it?

Lionsgirl111 · 13/08/2019 18:49

I agree OP. Been dating someone the past few months who texts me every morning and throughout the day we send occasional texts. Plus we see eachother minimum of 3 overnights a week sometimes more.

But we are in the early days so in that'cajt get enough of each other' stage.

Although the guy i was dating before id only see twice a week maximum and only speak once a day if that. I didn't like it. Felt we couldn't "progress" much past that stage.

Your not 'needy', you just have different 'needs' to him.

JockTamsonsBairns · 13/08/2019 18:59

God, I feel so old Grin

FireBloodAndIce · 13/08/2019 20:33

I have friends who call their DP/DHs on their lunch breaks and again when they get off work, and they live together. So I don't think I'm asking for much.

That's their dps not yours. You are not being fair to judge and expect him to text/call every day if he's not wanting that level of communication. You are asking too much from a person whose expectations are different to yours.

Perhaps he could equally say I have friends who call and their DP/DW every few days whether or not they live together. So I don't think I'm asking for much for my girlfriend to be less intense about texting. why is you and your friends way right and his wrong?

Your bigger issue is if he's not as interested and thats a quality judge not quantity.

Tartan333 · 13/08/2019 20:44

me and dh text several times a day while at work and see each other every evening after work. I don't think you are expecting too much to be honest.

JayDot500 · 13/08/2019 21:03

YANBU.

If he thinks that living a whole day without sending anything is okay, then I'd also start to wonder if he's actually interested. Might sound ridiculous to some (as evidenced by previous posters), but an entire day without even a 'hi' is too bland a taste for my relationship needs. And no, I don't believe you are being needy, at all. A quick text takes no time; you don't have his time.

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