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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regret working so much?

46 replies

Bigfatspiders · 13/08/2019 11:39

When I was young my mum was a teacher so had all the school holidays off with us and I never had to go to summer schemes etc.
I have a busy job that involves dropping DCs off to school/ nursery at 8 and picking up at 4.30ish 5 days a week. I get 6 weeks annual leave a year which obviously I try to take at school holiday times to get time together. But both my kids spend a lot of time in nursery/ after school clubs etc.
There is no flexibility in work and my applications to go part time we’re refused. I’m not trained to do anything else so I’m stuck.
Recently I’ve just been thinking a lot about how much time I spend working and can’t get away from the feeling that the amount of time I spend working will affect my relationship with them later on and that in 15-20 years I’ll regret not spending more time with my kids.
So I guess my AIBU is, aibu to continue worrying about this when I’ve explored all options of reducing my hours, and does anyone have any experience of being that child whose parents were always working and still have a good relationship with them later on?

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 13/08/2019 11:43

OP I hear you. But don’t forget this is your life now- who knows what will happen in 3/4 years? Next year even Smile

Working doesn’t have to mean a poor relationship with your children, you know that I’m sure x

FWIW 8.00- 4.30 isn’t really that bad. Lots of children will be in 8-6. Mine were! Over 3 years we’ve made some quite limited changes. DH became self employed (freelance) and home based. I moved to the same role, more locally. When I return from my second mat leave I am taking on a slightly different role without a large team which will offer me a lot more flexibility than I have now. There are little bits that can be chipped away at, often

CloudPop · 13/08/2019 11:59

I've always worked and I have an excellent relationship with my now teenaged children. Please don't give yourself a hard time - just keep an eye on the job situation, other opportunities do present themselves from time to time if you stay observant.

whothedaddy · 13/08/2019 12:08

My DD has been in childcare/school from 7.30-8am until 6/6.30pm Monday to Friday since before she was 2. I get 5 weeks AL.

We have the most wonderful bond. We share a hobby (swimming) and take girls trips together I think she would like me to be home morein an ideal world. However, her teacher at paents evening last year was almost in tears when she told me how proud DD was of me when i finished my qualification and got promoted last year. My DD is my biggest cheerleader and will tell anyone who will listen how hard I work and how amazing she thinks I am. She is 9 btw

LashesZ · 13/08/2019 12:11

My DM was very senior in the NHS and put me in nursery, childminders etc from 7:30 - 6:30. I never had a problem with it because i had a financially stable upbringing and I enjoyed playing with my friends more than seeing my uncool DM, to be honest!

herculepoirot2 · 13/08/2019 12:14

If it can’t be helped, it can’t be helped. But I would feel the same as you and did feel it when in full time work with a baby.

Etino · 13/08/2019 12:15

YANBU to explore the possibilities and the park the issue. One last possibility is to look into teach first if you have a degree.
But as many pp have said, so long as they’re safe it really is quality of time with children not the quality which affects your relationship with them. Flowers

Bobbindobbin · 13/08/2019 12:16

Could you take unpaid Parental leave OP?

Fazednotc0nfused · 13/08/2019 12:23

8-4.30ish would be a dream for me - my DD is in nursery 7.30-6pm ish.
And only 5 weeks annual leave here.

But if you are unhappy I guess you need to think what changes you can make

Grasspigeons · 13/08/2019 12:29

There are two things here. The first, your relationship with them. This will be just fine. Both my parents worked and i have a good relationship with them. So plesse dont worry about that. I suppose focus on how you use your leave. The holidays are great and financially necessary but perhaps the odd school day so you can do a drop off and pick up and do something together after school would be nice
The second is your own wants i suppose. Most of us enjoy being with our children and want to see them as much as possible and we all have to balance it with paying for everything and saving for retirement. I often have felt that whilst my children havent missed out in the slightest, i have missed put on some things that i would have enjoyed and its ok to acknowledge that.

changedtempforprivacy · 13/08/2019 12:32

you get 13 weeks unpaid parental leave per child

My father was a stay at home parent throughout my secondary years, which was great and around all the holidays obviously. My mum worked and there were lots of us, so I felt we didn't have much time together - as an adult I realise this is much more to do with her prioritising other things over spending time with me/ I did have a full time parent at home already though !

I have moved to a less senior job which will enable me to work term time only, I am a single parent so extremely fortunate that we will still manage on my term time only income. I realise most people are not in a position to work part time, particularly lone parents. I want to spend the time with my DD while she is in primary school particularly.

I expect to be able to move back into more senior work in 7 years when she is in secondary though.

I am older though and so have had a career - but I wouldn't sacrifice my family's financial security to spend more time with them - there needs to eb a balance
also - their father presumably has 6 weeks off too, so they only need to be in holiday clubs a few weeks if you alternate your leave..
and they may well enjoy the holiday clubs as they get older, even with a SAHP we chose to go to holiday clubs as kids - they were fun and something different

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 12:33

It’s not about the quantity of time it’s about the quality.

Passthecherrycoke · 13/08/2019 12:34

I don’t understand what OP would be expected to do with 13 weeks (unpaid) parental leave- just take it for the sake of it? That wouldn’t be well received by many employers

changedtempforprivacy · 13/08/2019 12:34

reiterating ehta grass pigeons said - my decision to work less is not for my child's benefit - she would be fine in holiday clubs and enjoy it, and it woudl nto impact our closeness either. However I want to spend the holidays with her, and this is about making me happy - not her

JoJoSM2 · 13/08/2019 12:35

I think your job sounds great as you do see your children for quite a bit every day + get long holidays. Stop with the mum guilt!

changedtempforprivacy · 13/08/2019 12:36

parental leave is taken in one week blocks, with at least a months notice given, and must be agreed by the employer, it recognises that parents may want/need to spend time with their children as they grow - and it is unpaid

ludothedog · 13/08/2019 12:40

I understand your worry. I'm lucky that my mum has my DD during school holidays. DD gas already made comment about her gran bringing her up and why can't I work less. I am so envious of my friends who are SAHP or who work part time.

It's easy to say that it won't have an effect on your relationship with your children but every child is different and it will effect some, like mine (she is even more clingy now than she was as a toddler)

DerelictWreck · 13/08/2019 13:03

I'm assuming that you're a single parent OP?

8 - 4:30 really isn't a long time to spend in a safe, engaging setting. Don't think of nursey/school/clubs as forced time away from home/you but as interesting, peer-to-peer time.

SuperSara · 13/08/2019 13:05

I have a busy job that involves dropping DCs off to school/ nursery at 8 and picking up at 4.30ish 5 days a week. I get 6 weeks annual leave a year...

To be fair, OP, that's a lot fewer hours and more holidays than most people.

Cherryade8 · 13/08/2019 13:15

I think your relationship with them will be fine OP. Men have been working those hours or longer, it doesnt cause a crap relationship with dads!

I work too, I feel bad at times because I never do drop off, but my dc have surprised me by being really proud of my job too (they are easily pleased Grin). I plan holidays with them whenever affordable and work is fairly essential to me as a single parent so they dont have to live on the bread line.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/08/2019 13:18

You can't help the way you feel OP. I was part time until last year and then did a year full time before I quit in June.

I couldn't bear another summer of my kids spending 5 days a week getting up at 7.30 and collected at 6pm.

I'm in the look out for part time work now but have really enjoyed our summer off. Can you take one day parental leave per week?

changedtempforprivacy · 13/08/2019 13:46

you can only take the unpaid parental leave as one week blocks
OP has already said her employer tends to refuse flexible working applications

ritzbiscuits · 13/08/2019 13:49

Life is so hard isn't it. I agree with others that a 4.30 pick up isn't too bad, as they at least get to have their dinner at home.

You aren't clear from your post if you have a husband/partner? If you do, are you able to look at staggering start/end times to help with drop offs at school? My husband does the morning school run and is in work for 9.30, I go in early and pick up by 5.30. That really helps and I feel better my son is only in wrap around care one end of the day. (Sorry if this isn't relevant to you though).

Whoops75 · 13/08/2019 13:53

I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
Those aren’t awful hours and with weekends to relax it’s not such a hectic week

The grass is just a different shade of green on the other side.

Teddybear45 · 13/08/2019 13:54

I think you are romanticising your childhood because you don’t want to work. That’s different to saying you regret working so much - you will always regret it as you seem not to want to make it work. To be honest in many industries, as previous posters have told you, 8-4 or 8-430 IS flexible working - that you don’t want to make that work suggests you won’t be happy with anything unless it’s not working.

How would that work with your fianances? I grew up with a stay at home mum for most of my childhood and was dirt poor too at the time - trust me, that is not better and I massively resented my mum not working when I needed her to. Plunging your family into poverty to fulfil a silly need to be at home is a bad thing!

ritzbiscuits · 13/08/2019 13:56

Also to add, have you looked at alternative places to work? I left the job from hell to move into Financial Services and then went Public Sector in order to get part time/flexible hours.

I would suggest researching companies that actively promote flexible hours, our organisation now advertises all positions as open to flexible working. You will come across many that won't, but the world is changing are there are more businesses that do this.

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