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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To regret working so much?

46 replies

Bigfatspiders · 13/08/2019 11:39

When I was young my mum was a teacher so had all the school holidays off with us and I never had to go to summer schemes etc.
I have a busy job that involves dropping DCs off to school/ nursery at 8 and picking up at 4.30ish 5 days a week. I get 6 weeks annual leave a year which obviously I try to take at school holiday times to get time together. But both my kids spend a lot of time in nursery/ after school clubs etc.
There is no flexibility in work and my applications to go part time we’re refused. I’m not trained to do anything else so I’m stuck.
Recently I’ve just been thinking a lot about how much time I spend working and can’t get away from the feeling that the amount of time I spend working will affect my relationship with them later on and that in 15-20 years I’ll regret not spending more time with my kids.
So I guess my AIBU is, aibu to continue worrying about this when I’ve explored all options of reducing my hours, and does anyone have any experience of being that child whose parents were always working and still have a good relationship with them later on?

OP posts:

Coldilox · 13/08/2019 14:11

My mum was always around, she worked part time and was able to pick her own hours so I never went to wraparound or holiday care.

My wife’s mum was a dentist, and as such she was often in holiday clubs/wraparound care/looked after by dentists.

My wife is closer to her mum than I am to mine.

Bumpitybumper · 13/08/2019 14:17

@Teddybear45
I think you are romanticising your childhood because you don’t want to work
I genuinely don't know how you could infer this from OP's post. She hasn't said that she dislikes her job or doesn't want to work, instead she quite clearly states that she is worried that the amount of time she spends away from her children will adversely impact their relationship. This is a perfectly rational and understandable concern and whilst some parents may feel that working FT or long hours doesn't adversely affect their children, lots of parents will think differently and make lifestyle changes to be around more for their children. There isn't a right or wrong answer as every child, family setup and financial situation is different. What isn't really fair though is accusing a parent (usually the mother, let's be honest) of being dishonest and using their genuinely held concerns about their child's welfare as an excuse to stop working or reduce their working hours. Almost insisting that it's the tail that wags the dog and implying that parents making choices to spend more time with their children are workshy.

DonnaDarko · 13/08/2019 16:06

I think you're overthinking tbh

My mum was a single mother, and always worked full time, including as a nurse with unsociable hours.

I never felt bad about that when I was kid. And now that I am a mum, I appreciate so much more what she did for us to keep us well fed, and that we never lacked anything we needed.

I also work full time but standard office hours, as does my partner. It does sometimes make me sad that we can't spend more time with DS but we make up for it by trying to have at least one fun day out per month and lots of quality time in the evenings.

I would also be so bored being a SAHM tbh

PooWillyBumBum · 13/08/2019 16:10

My parents worked like dogs and we had au pairs as they were out of the house at least 12 hours a day.

I am/was glad my mum set an example as a working woman and I was proud of my business owner mum, not upset there wasn’t someone hanging around to bake me muffins. Plus it meant great holidays, opportunities to go on ski trips and play instruments etc etc. 8.30-4 isn’t that bad at all!

Original poster

Bigfatspiders · 13/08/2019 17:44

Hi all, thanks for replies. I’m not trying to romanticise my childhood, it was far from ideal but at the same age I obviously had much more time with my parents than my kids do. I absolutely couldn’t give up work- both from a financial perspective and I couldn’t be a SAHM, I love my job (apart from that I few like I spend too much time there). I am a single parent and have little family nearby to help me out. There might be room for some more flexibility in the future but not at the moment due to staffing shortages.
I’m glad there are some positive stories about parent child relationships in similar situations.
It’s just a lot of mum guilt. I feel like all of my friends in similar situations only work half as much as I do.

OP posts:

WorkingMumD · 28/10/2022 06:43

I don't agree with many people on this thread. I worked very hard 8-5.30 with my kids in after school or a nanny in early year's and they are quite scarred by it. My daughter especially so. It turned out she had learning difficulties which were diagnosed later as I wasn't present enough to really see what was happening. I do regret not having more work life balance. My daughter has left home now and I am in my own thinking about how ultimately I let her down. Don't be me. Try to get a balance & cherish your time with them. Notice everything and listen hard to everything they say.

MarshaBradyo · 28/10/2022 06:52

4.30 finish is pretty good, as is 6 weeks holiday. Stop beating yourself up and enjoy the time you have. It won’t impact your relationship negatively,

MrsMorrisey · 28/10/2022 07:09

Mum guilt gets us all.
I'm sure you're doing the best you can x

timetogetlost · 28/10/2022 07:15

Is parental leave in one week blocks? I took 7 weeks in one go in 2018. Maybe that has changed. My dh takes the odd day for it here and there. Maybe look into it.

Motnight · 28/10/2022 07:16

Zombie thread!

Namenic · 28/10/2022 07:23

OP - if it makes any difference - me and siblings went to boarding school (we enjoyed it). We are close to each other and parents even though we were away from each other (we bonded over long holidays and weekends we had together - it was quality time rather than quantity). Don’t feel guilty - but at the same time good luck for finding a job where you are happy with the working pattern!

Changemyname1000x · 28/10/2022 07:25

My DM was a SAHM for most of my childhood BUT she wanted to work but couldn't due to health issues and I now think my dad stopped her too. Childcare didn't exist as much then but even when we were teens she didn't work. She was quite bitter. Never the less she didn't use her SAHM time to make happy memories. It was a different time so not unusual but she didn't 'make memories' with us. She just kept us alive.(she wasn't emotionally present or supportive either)
I'm pretty sure there are still plenty of mums who stay at home and are the same (and dads but let's face it this is still an issue women are facing...not men!). Presenteeism isn't the solution.
However I think if you've got the luxury of any choice being a little bit more flexible with arrangements is the best solution for your children. But lots of us dont. Most women have to work. If you can't be more flexible for whatever reason then just be proud you're doing the best you can and maximise the time you have with your DC by being there for them emotionally and cheering on their achievements and supporting them to grow. Plenty of parents struggle to do that.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/10/2022 07:25

Both my parents worked but I benefited from spending a lot of time with my grandparents (3 sets Inc. a great aunt and uncle). I didn’t spend as much time with my mum and that has had a negative impact on our relationship to be honest but we got closer later in life.

sashagabadon · 28/10/2022 07:26

I’ve always worked full time and my kids went to holiday clubs and I have a great relationship with them now. I have also saved large pots of money for them by my work. They also generally enjoyed the holiday clubs too.

Mariposista · 28/10/2022 07:35

You are setting your kids an excellent example in that if we want to live, have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and quality time together, we have to work. You are doing just fine OP. I grew up with my full time working single mum, and she was brilliant. Her working didn't affect our relationship in the slightest, if anything, I think she is even more brilliant.

wildlifeobserver1 · 28/10/2022 07:43

My DM went back to work when I was 3 months, and never took annual leave during half term etc. We have a lovely relationship and I respect her work ethic.

Whizzi24 · 28/10/2022 07:44

FWIW I'm a teacher and do feel lucky to have the holidays with my DC (though they do always have to soend at least a day or so of the hokidays bejng bired in my classroom too). However, during term time I am completely unavailable to them and they complain about it all the time. They are usually at after-school club until 5.30/6 then I still have work to do at home so dont do anything with them in the evenings except make dinner etc. Weekends we don't do anything together because they both have an activity on Saturdays and Sundays I always have work to do.

Can you arrange day trips or special things to do together at the weekends? As you finish at a decent time is there something you could do regularly once or twice a week at 4.30, eg go out for dinner (or tea/cake); go to the cinema or have a regular movie night at home?

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 28/10/2022 07:47

Most people on here will work ft, so of course they will tell you to continue working as that’s what they have to do.
There’s a feeling on this site, on these sorts of threads, of ‘if I have to lump it, so does everyone else!’
If you can work less and spend more time with your children, 100% do it! You never get the time back.

Kidsfortea · 28/10/2022 07:52

WorkingMumD · 28/10/2022 06:43

I agree with this. Both my adult children hold resentment for me working so much when they were children, they have told me several times. I too was a single mum and needed to keep a roof over our heads, no support from ex who they no longer see.

Coldilox · 28/10/2022 07:52

My mum was around for me in the holidays. We don’t have a good relationship now.

My dad worked all the time. We have a better relationship than I do with my mum.

mdh2020 · 28/10/2022 07:54

I went to uni when my youngest started school and then worked full time, while also studying for further qualifications. My children always knew that they came first. I have an excellent relationship with the two lovely adults they have become and they recently told me that they had had a very happy childhood.

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