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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with in-laws?

36 replies

HaveIGoneMad · 13/08/2019 08:46

Since I had my baby I've comments about my emergency c-section - that saved mine and my babies lives - implying that I took the easy way out and was lazy, eye rolls when I stated I wasn't allowed to pick up my toddler 2 weeks afterwards, being asked 'still?' When I said I was in pain 4 weeks afterwards, then there have been comments about breastfeeding, such as why am I still breastfeeding at 2 months, how my baby wants bottles!!, and asking how long I'm going to carry on. The constant barrage of comments and critism in other aspects of my parenting is really getting me down when I'm already suffering PND and I feel like I'm an awful mum who's failing her kids right now.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 13/08/2019 08:48

You are not an awful mum, you’re doing brilliantly and they need to give their heads a wobble. Sadly some people are massively triggered by perceiving they’re losing the “mum” role in a family and deal with this by being hideous to new mothers. It’s common and it sucks.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 13/08/2019 08:55

No, not unreasonable at all. That’s unkind and unhelpful of them. What is your partner doing about it?

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 08:57

What does your H say about his parents derogatory comments? Is he on your side?

How often do you see them?

Original poster
HaveIGoneMad · 13/08/2019 08:59

My partner says to ignore and that he can't say anything because these comments are never made in front of him, which makes me think they know what they are doing.

OP posts:
lifesgoodwithlg · 13/08/2019 08:59

I had the same about breast feeding, guess what you so what suits you and your baby. I had a C-section too. Shucks it must hurt to realise that your in-laws are idiots. A C-section is major abdominal surgery. I would annihilate them now but remember feeling vulnerable after delivering I had a good pregnancy but found the year post partum very tough. Your in laws are idiots, you sound like you are doing a great job. congrats mama,

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 09:00

Well if he won’t say anything then you must.

Are they perfect parents then in his eyes?

Idontwanttotalk · 13/08/2019 09:05

If you can't do it then ask DH to explain in no uncertain terms that your C-section was an emergency, he is lucky he didn't lose you and/or the baby and their comments are unhelpful.

See your PIL as little as possible while you are feeling so ground down by them and ask DH to explain how low you feel. Also, make sure you are receiving treatment of you have PND.

Original poster
HaveIGoneMad · 13/08/2019 09:06

His dad wasn't around much when he was younger and he does think his dad is a bit of an idiot at times, but he finds it easier to ignore things than confront anyone. His mum was a single mum to him and his siblings and so he does think she was pretty much perfect and can't understand why I don't always take her advice.

OP posts:
IAskTooManyQuestions · 13/08/2019 09:07

. See, I'd make them repeat their comments in front of DH ... call out to him if he’s out of the room. "MIL tell DH what you just said about bottle feeding" ... "DH, MILs so funny! She thinks I’m pulling a fast one after major abdominal surgery" .

You really do have to take ownership of this and be quite confrontational "MIL - your opinions are from the dark ages, we've moved on a bit since then. "MIL, really? hmm, ok" (followed by that 'are you really that simple' sort of look. "You are becoming that sort of stereotype of a MIL, always interfering"

People do really have strange ideas about c/sections though, I don’t think they understand it is major abdominal surgery. Actually a lot of people are medically clueless.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 13/08/2019 09:07

You need to respond if they are not making comments in front of your H
Get a few prepared phrases
My baby my choice
We will be making the decisions, I'm sure you can respect that
I will listen to the professions regarding C section thanks. Your ideas are very outdated

tobedtoMNandfart · 13/08/2019 09:07

Well don't see them without DH present for a start.

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 09:13

Cut them out until they learn some respect! Don’t expose yourself to them if they are being this ignorant!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/08/2019 09:26

OP - you must protect your mental health. PND is nothing to fool around with, and you don't need people like this making matters worse. And it's vitally important that your DH has your back. This isn't about punishing your in-laws, it's about self-preservation. If it's at all possible to severely limit your contact with them, just until you've had time to recover a little from the abdominal surgery and been through the exhausting process of getting BF established, I think it will help. If necessary, enlist the help of healthcare professionals like your GP, midwife and health visitor.

You're doing brilliantly to be BF following an EMCS - I've done it too and know just how difficult this is! You deserve praise, not undermining.

Congratulations Flowers

blackcat86 · 13/08/2019 09:27

I've been through this OP and it will get better. I had a c section due to concerns for baby and FIL actually asked if I could 'pop in' on the way home to see MIL as if I'd just hop off the table and be out the same day. I also got comments about how pleased they were DD was too poorly to bf because MIL wants to feed her. She actually called me selfish for even trying. The phrase I've used a lot a year on is vulnerable women dont stay vulnerable forever. They showed their true colours when I was in a terrible position, in pain, with PND and dealing with the near death 0f my baby. I will never forgive them. Distance yourself and get out to meet other mums. I used mush and Facebook a lot. Stop being avaliable to meet them when DH isn't there. Remember they're nasty and full of shit so their opinion doesn't matter.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 13/08/2019 09:33

My ex in-laws were just like this (and still are according to my eldest child). Ignoring it doesn’t work- they just carry right on being cunts because ignoring it gives them some kind of green light. And anyway, why should you ignore someone who’s being a knob to you?!

I shamed my in-laws right back. “Do you know how ignorant you sound?” “You’re being ridiculous.” And “ I think your mums getting confused. She keeps saying the same thing over and over. My Nan was the same when the dementia kicked in and she is getting to that ‘that age’...” I never shouted just held eye contact and spoke very slowly like I was talking to idiots. Because I was. ExFIL still insisted I was hysterical and over emotional Hmm but he sounded like an even bigger dick then.

Longtalljosie · 13/08/2019 09:40

Your DH absolutely can talk to them about what they say when he’s out of the room - that’s an utter cop-out from him. Sadly overbearing parents and gutless adult children are part of a pair...

Original poster
HaveIGoneMad · 13/08/2019 09:41

I'm not on my own when I see them but they make the comments whilst my partner is out of the room. FIL has made the meaner comments, and he has sent some texts too and I think I could probably limit contact with him. MIL's comments have been more uninformed than cruel to be fair, my toddler idolizes her so I wouldn't limit that contact for my childs sake, but I do need to start sticking up for myself more.

OP posts:
ReasonedCamper · 13/08/2019 09:42

“I am sure you mean to be helpful but to be honest your comments about my health, CS and breastfeeding are not helping. I am taking up to date advice from medical professionals so let’s leave all that out of the conversation. Of course, if you have worried about your grandchildren you should talk to your son about it . Anyone like a cup of tea!”

ConkerGame · 13/08/2019 09:42

OP that’s horrible! You really need to spell things out for your DH - “DH, I have been through serious surgery, am struggling post-partum and your parents’ comments are causing me to slip towards PND. As I’m sure you will agree, by far the most important thing right now is for me to be a good mum to our baby so for the baby’s sake I will not be seeing your parents unless/until you speak to them and stick up for me. And in future we will all leave / ask them to leave the moment they are rude to me”.

He massively needs to stick up for you during this period and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he’s a crap husband and father until he does so.

If you’re feeling strong enough I would also tell them their views are completely outdated and if they want to be good grandparents they should be wholeheartedly supporting their GB’s mother. You shouldn’t have to do this though if your DH steps up!

buttertoasty · 13/08/2019 09:50

You tell your partner that all of the comments and badgering are upsetting to you and refuse to see them for a while.

buttertoasty · 13/08/2019 09:53

And I bet they are the type that if you call them up on their shitty comments it's you being oversensitive. Just stop seeing them.

NoddyAndBessie · 13/08/2019 09:53

So you want your toddler to see it's mother being abused?

Cut the contact with the conniving cunts. It'll be better for your kids to not be near their poison.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 13/08/2019 09:59

Limit/go no contact. Your DH can take toddler to see PIL.

I’ve had a EMCS and then a VBAC followed by emergency surgery. I wouldn’t wish an EMCS on anyone.

You need to tell your DH him allowing his parents to speak to you this way is having a negative effect on your health - and then ask what he is going to do about it? What is more important not challenging his rude/unpleasant parents or the health of his wife and carer of his children?

bathorshower · 13/08/2019 10:01

You have my sympathy with the comments - DD was born by c-section, and (childless) relatives on both sides of the family commented that wasn't it better if a baby was born vaginally - despite knowing that any attempt at labour would have killed DD. You are not alone.

Etino · 13/08/2019 10:01

@Longtalljosie I’d not thought of it like that but that so makes sense- the matriarch role being replaced.

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