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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child chooses mum in law over me

36 replies

Mcr23 · 12/08/2019 17:26

My son is 16 months now and for some time now he seems to prefer my mother in law over me. I have returned to work , only doing part time, and live with my mother in law who looks after my son. I have a good relationship with my mum in law, but when my son sees his grandma he doesn’t want me anymore. Whenever she comes in the room, my son cries wanting her to pick him up, and no longer wants me. He always chooses her over me in any situation.
I try my best to remain positive although on some days I am left feeling incredibly upset and insecure - I don’t want to spoil my relationship with mum in law, she has actually done a lot for me and I literally have my work cut in half, as she’s so helpful. I did tell my mum in law a couple of times how I felt, she understands this and I know she isn’t doing this on purpose. Can I please ask if anyone is also experiencing this and can offer me any advice? Is this just a phase that my son will grow out of? My son is so young yet but I worry this will turn into a long term thing... I don’t work long hours and there at home a lot to look after my son, but he always prefers his grandma over me....do other mothers feel penalised for returning to work? I want to feel like a mummy as he is my first child, but I am left feeling heartbroken wanting him to love me like he loves his grandma so much - at the same time I don’t want to spoil their relationship either, and I am certainly not the type to take him away from grandma.
Any advice?

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 12/08/2019 17:31

Is your mum in law around all the time? Maybe you need to spend more time just there two of you (you and your son). Do you have a separate living space where you can play without your MIL coming in and out?

Is it a long term solution of you living there or are you planning to move out eventually?

Anotherusefulname · 12/08/2019 17:41

I was a SAHM until DS was 8. He is now 13 to this day he will pick my mum over me to do something/go out with. Doesn't mean he loves me less, he just loves her too remember it's rare a granny says no.

steff13 · 12/08/2019 17:43

Kids are really fickle at that age. I know it's hard, but I don't think it will be long-term.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 17:46

That’s got to be hard OP. Try and put it into perspective though, your son doesn’t know that his grandma is your MIL, she’s just another person in the family that looks after him a lot and he’s got a bond with her.

Can you do mealtimes, bath and bed with a story, have quiet time with him every day just you and him cuddling? Can you take him out to the park or soft play on your own? Just defining your role as mum.

MIL sounds amazing actually and you’re very lucky to have such support, is it because it’s your MIL that you feel like this or would you feel the same if it were your own mum or sister?

Is this a long term situation OP?

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2019 17:46

I did tell my mum in law a couple of times how I felt, she understands this and I know she isn’t doing this on purpose.

Doing what on purpose?

Giving you a roof over your head and cutting your work in half?

This is what tends to happen when children are brought with extended family members.

I'm sure it'll pass. What's he like with his dad?

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 17:46

I would say either spend more time with him or improve the quality of time you have together, whichever is the most in need.

Can you think of something to do with him that you would really enjoy, something he would enjoy too. I think if you work to improve the joy in the time you spend together, your son will naturally want to spend more time with you.

Alsohuman · 12/08/2019 17:48

My son would always take my mum over me. Their relationship was incredibly close and it made me happy because I loved them both to bits.

SlipperyLizard · 12/08/2019 17:50

My DDs both did similar when I went back to work and my mum looked after them - I’d come home and they didn’t want to come to me. But on my non-working day, they’d do it to DH, and vice versa on DHs non-working day.

They grew out of it, try not to make a fuss and be glad they have such a strong relationship with their grandma, mine still absolutely adore mine in a way I never felt towards my grandma (my mum’s mum).

GiveMeHope103 · 12/08/2019 17:50

Dont feel bad op. He loves you more than your mil, it's just that he is constantly with her and maybe a security for him. He sees you leave and come back while shes always there so to him he feels secure. It will pass. For a long time my ds preferred his nanny over me, but its passed now and hes a mummys boy.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/08/2019 17:56

I always chose my grandparents over either of my parents right up until they died and I was about 20 yrs old.It is not intentional but I loved them both so much,we had fun,I was spoilt and they always had time for me due to them being retired.They were my world.I used to spend every weekend and every holiday with them infact their house was my second home.This never meant I didnt love my mum or dad I did but they were busy.I kind of knew mum and dd were always there and I was so grateful they allowed me my time with my grandparents.I wouldnt worry OP ..its a very different relationship and a special one between grandparents and grandchildren.Your little one will love you too and will grow up knowing you are mum.give it time...

ImposterSyndrome101 · 12/08/2019 18:14

One of my nephews is like this, he's 11 and wants my mum over his or when he sees me he wants me over my mum. My 5 year old niece is the same. I think it hurt my nieces mum the most when my niece was really little but as I was the one doing the childcare and the one able to do the fun day trips (just free things) and sit and hold them when the alternative was paying for a childminder, nursery or allowing another family member to watch them. Something neither of my sisters could afford nor wanted to do. But when they're ill or sad or really scared they want their mummy. Don't take it personally, kids go to who they're around a lot and who isn't likely to enforce as many of the rules. Give him some time and it'll even out.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/08/2019 18:16

He may feel more secure with you, so works hard at his relationship with MIL but not at his relationship with you. Bizarre as it sounds that a child of 16 months works at a relationship.

Cornettoninja · 12/08/2019 18:19

Your ds definitely loves you. Part of being a mum is being taken for granted, especially at this age.

I don’t think everyone would agree with me here, but I really hope that I can provide my dd with a life secure enough she never has to consider whether my love is available or not. It’s just there which means she can go and seek other affection and relationships whilst I keep the safety net in place for her.

If you’re concerned step up the effort just doing some fun/nice things for the two of you but don’t worry that he has a good relationship with your mil. You can never have too many people who love you.

Aria2015 · 12/08/2019 18:27

I've been in your shoes and it upset me a lot BUT it was temporary and overtime lo is now firmly in the mummy camp. He loves his grandmother but when he's with her now and I go to pick him up he run to me so excited and wants me over anyone. I never thought it would happen and it did really get me down for a while but just slowly as he's grown. it’s happened and now the balance feels right. He likes to see his grandmother but it’s me he comes to if he wants and cuddle or he's hurt Himself. So hang in there, its just a phase. Nobody can replace mum!

NotVeryMatureForAnOldLady · 12/08/2019 18:28

worra come on, you know what the op meant. The MIL isn't deliberately calling grandchild over, calling herself mama/talking about my baby, isolating the mum etc - all batshit fruitloops behaviour often cited on MN by DILs. The OP also sounds appreciative and likes her MIL.
OP it's no different to kids being attached to their childminders because they see them such a lot. It should, if anything, put your mind at ease that she's so good with him. But he will always be your son and you will always be his mum - I know it's hard but I would try not to brood on it and do some mother-son trips at the weekend on yo
ur own?

dottiedodah · 12/08/2019 18:29

Can you take him to the park maybe on your own when youre not at work do you think?.What about Swimming at the weekends.I dont think YABU at all actually .Its always difficult when you are living with someone else in their house TBH. Obviously MIL is trying her best to help and it is kind of her to have you and DH with her.Are you looking to move in the future at all .Even a small flat would give you some space of your own

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 12/08/2019 18:33

Children of this age often go through a similar phase with their parents - preferring Dad over Mum or Mum over Dad - your DS is simply doing it with your MIL.

Love51 · 12/08/2019 18:37

I remember my daughter playing favourites massively from about that age. We didn't have grandparents nearby but after a massive phase of being all for me, she changed and went for daddy. I had to remind myself that it was just a phase and she still loved me! She has switched a lot of times, including preferring various grandparents at times. But when the chips are down, it is me or her dad she wants. Ice cream requests still go to a grandparent even at 8.
Currently preferring mummy but had a few months of daddy before that.
Her little brother is consistently for mummy, but still has a bond with their dad. It isn't something to worry about. And having an extra trusted person is awesome.

Topsecretidentity · 12/08/2019 18:38

This happened to me and unless your situation changes he won't grow out of it like pp suggest. Your MIL sounds lovely but you're the mum, not her, and right now your son sees her as his primary carer so that's who he goes to for comfort.

Since you live with your MIL you'll consciously need to regularly separate the time you spend with your MIL and son so that you get one on one time with him (remember she gets regular alone time with him while you're at work so don't feel like your cutting down on her time with her grandchild- she gets a lot more access/ bonding time than the majority of grandparents who maintain a special bond with their grandchild).

Things that worked for me:

  1. Taking my son to the park/ for a walk every time I got home from work... without fail. It creates an expectation and he's excited you see you because of that link that mummy gets home, I'll go to the park now. That stopped my son crying for my MIL when I got home.
  1. Be pleasant when you get home. Give your son the best of you. It's so easy to be tired and cranky and have the worst side left your child after a long day at work as a working mum. But you need to use all your reserves so he sees your best side for that hour before he goes to bed. Leave the chores alone until he's in bed- when he's older you can spend quality time doing it together. But for now when you get home , give him your 100% attention, play with him, do his bed time routine and ENJOY it. Children pick up from a very young age who is most attentive to them and tend to bond better with the parent giving their undivided attention.
  1. Chores can wait, they really can, even on the weekend. Be the fun parent as much as possible.
  1. Put your son in nursery if you can afford it. Even if it's just a day a week. Right now he's spending more time with your MIL than with you or his father. She's his primary carer but putting him in childcare will not only help balance this out but give your son some socialization with his peers.
  1. Don't burn your bridges. It's so easy to be resentful or blame your MIL but a time will come when you'll be so glad he's excited to spend time with her... and will be pushing him out the door.
  1. Get your own place if you can. Is living with your MIL a temporary measure. The easiest way to establish your role in the family unit is to live separately in the family unit you want to lead. While you live with your MIL she's the boss and matriarch of her home and your son will pick up on this regardless of your efforts.

Good luck... it can be so hurtful but doing the above helped me re- establish my role as mum despite working full time.

Original poster
Mcr23 · 12/08/2019 18:57

Thanks for all your messages everyone...yes I agree I could do with more quality time with my son, and maybe you are right I perhaps might have not felt the same if it was my own mother (that really made me think there..) I am lucky to have such support from mum in law, and yes it may be something he grows out of...maybe I need to get rid of my insecurities too..
WHen I am home, my son is alone with me playing in the room, and mum in law always in a different room, so yes it does give me time to bond with him. The plan is for us all to remain living together, my son has a great relationship with his father too. I think I am probably just a bit insecure and need some reassurance that hopefully my son will love me too, we were all so excited about our first child.

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 12/08/2019 20:40

Really don’t worry. No one can replace a loving mother. My DD used to cry and cling to her childminder because life was so exciting at their house compared to just dinner, Bath, bed with me, but I knew she always loved me best no matter what. The more secure adults there are for a child the better. Trust your child’s love for you!

Bambamber · 12/08/2019 20:46

I think you're taking it too personally. Your child wanting to go their grandma doesn't mean they don't love you.

Original poster
Mcr23 · 12/08/2019 20:47

Thank you so much, it really means a lot x

OP posts:
PerfectPeony2 · 12/08/2019 20:52

You’re his Mum. You only get one Mum and you can’t be replaced.

Having said that, I understand why this upsets you. I would want to move out and look at childminders/ nursery’s in addition to MiL providing childcare. My daughter is a massive Mummy’s girl and if she did this I would be a bit heartbroken.

HavelockVetinari · 12/08/2019 20:52

Are you intending to live with your in-laws forever? If so it's unlikely things will change. From your MIL's perspective she's got it made - a DS and DIL who will support her financially plus a child she can "mother" whilst you're out earning money.

Honestly, I'd get your own place. Living with in-laws generally goes wrong.