My child chooses mum in law over me

[Mcr23]

My son is 16 months now and for some time now he seems to prefer my mother in law over me. I have returned to work , only doing part time, and live with my mother in law who looks after my son. I have a good relationship with my mum in law, but when my son sees his grandma he doesn’t want me anymore. Whenever she comes in the room, my son cries wanting her to pick him up, and no longer wants me. He always chooses her over me in any situation.
I try my best to remain positive although on some days I am left feeling incredibly upset and insecure - I don’t want to spoil my relationship with mum in law, she has actually done a lot for me and I literally have my work cut in half, as she’s so helpful. I did tell my mum in law a couple of times how I felt, she understands this and I know she isn’t doing this on purpose. Can I please ask if anyone is also experiencing this and can offer me any advice? Is this just a phase that my son will grow out of? My son is so young yet but I worry this will turn into a long term thing... I don’t work long hours and there at home a lot to look after my son, but he always prefers his grandma over me....do other mothers feel penalised for returning to work? I want to feel like a mummy as he is my first child, but I am left feeling heartbroken wanting him to love me like he loves his grandma so much - at the same time I don’t want to spoil their relationship either, and I am certainly not the type to take him away from grandma.
Any advice?

Actually I'm sorry for posting that - I'm projecting. A much valued member of my team just told me a very similar story, with the added "bonus" that she'll be expected to jack in her own fabulous career to care for her in-laws when they get old and frail. Her mother in law is constantly giving her child sweets and screen time behind her back, so of course the child wants her all the time as it's hard going being the "tough" parent ensuring your child eats healthily, brushes their teeth and has restricted screen time.

My little one would do this too with my mil - still does and he’s nearly a teenager, but it’s a great relationship they have and she never over steps her boundaries.

When push comes to shove he always picks me for example he has hurt himself or he is unwell or upset- no one makes you feel better like your mum!

It’s an awful feeling op but it doesn’t mean he loves her more than you.

Honestly, I'd get your own place. Living with in-laws generally goes wrong.

It works perfectly in some cultures.

Yes as everyone says focus on being a 'fun mum', it's not the amount of time you spend with him it's the quality. Having a 'special 1 to 1 activity with him when you arrive home will be a great carrot!

HavelockVetinari I’m glad you retracted your post and acknowledged you were projecting. Dreadful thing to say to the OP.

He is still very young OP and like a pp mentioned they are very very fickle at that age.

My nephews and nieces were all the same when they were really young in that they'd cry for me and want to come to me over they're Mum or Dad or at least that's how it felt to my brothers and SIL's but I know it was just down to the fact that I was the fun one,I got to do all of the good stuff with them and none of the boreing stuff, it could be exactly the same for your DS.

I'd worry in this case it's not a case of MIL being the fun one, it's more that she's the primary carer. OP trust your instincts, if you think your son has a closer bond either MIL you need to work to address it if it's upsetting you.

I agree to look into nursery as well as care from MIL and spending quality one on one time with your son. I empathise because we think we are doing the best for our children in going back to work but it's hard on mums.

It works perfectly in some cultures

I'm from one of those cultures and that's a gross generalisation. It works for some families and leaves members of other families miserable.

Aw bless. It's not an unusual scenario, honestly, a lot of very small children have a particularly nurturing relationship with grandparents and seem to prefer them to parents. However, they know who their parents are and love them in a different way, as he grows he will become more attached to you.

@Mcr23 you posted this a few years ago so you may not see this now. Im going through something similar and I really wanted to see how things are now? Did this phase ever go? If it did, how long did it last and did you or your mil do anything differently in the following years? It would be really helpful to see how you’re getting on as I am in this place with my 2 year old. It’s as though there’s no place for both women when we are both around her, she will immediately run to her and choose her and will cry. It’s upsetting at times and embarrassing for me (more so since my mil doesn’t like me and loves to have my daughter all to herself!).

I remember my daughter clinging to our childminder and sobbing when I came to pick her up... because we didn't have a fun house with other children and a dog! But I love that she was so secure and I just found it cute. As others have said, no one can replace a mum so really don't worry it's a phase and she's confident with your love so doesn't need to worry about pleasing you!