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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be (secretly) annoyed at OH??

32 replies

nicannie · 12/08/2019 13:54

My OH and I are expecting our first baby, I'm currently 9w+2 but we had an early scan last week and all things are progressing well!

My OH friends go on an annual skiing type holiday in February each year, OH has NEVER been interested in going, apart from this year he did consider going in the first instance and then decided against it. For 2020 trip, he has been invited again of course and at first I was quite excited that he was finally going to try ski-ing with them, and then it dwindled on me, I'll be due roughly 10th March 2020, and he is planning a week away in February leaving me at home on my own....

Am I just freaking out for no reason? I'm worried he goes on the holiday and I end up going into labour early, anything can happen I suppose is all I'm saying. I haven't yet mentioned to him, as I'm usually quite laid back and don't want to seem like I'm saying he can't go... I wanted others opinions first. I'm quite anxious about labour and the birth process (I'm sure a lot of people are especially first time mums!) so if this were to happen whilst he was on holiday with his friends I really don't know how I would forgive him or cope, even though I know it wouldn't necessarily be his fault.

Am I being unreasonable if I mention the fact to him that I'll be however many weeks pregnant at that point if he goes and even if there is a slim chance, what happens if I give birth to our child whilst he's out of the country? Should I maybe suggest they go in January instead, do you think this would be less risky?

OP posts:
Pinkout · 12/08/2019 13:56

Babies do come early sometimes although first babies are usually late. My friend’s first baby arrived unexpectedly at 36 weeks a few weeks ago so it does happen.

I would suggest January if possible just to avoid any anxiety.

CostaOrProseccoPlease · 12/08/2019 13:58

Absolutely not being unreasonable, he should NOT be going off that close to your due date, No no no!

Gillian1980 · 12/08/2019 14:00

Yanbu to want him to avoid travelling abroad the last few weeks.... I had dd at 36 weeks, these things happen.

Yabu to be secretly annoyed. Just tell him how you feel.

SteaknGuiness · 12/08/2019 14:00

My first was 35+6 with no warning or known issues before hand to suggest he'd be early.

Dh goes away without me regularly but not when I'm in the third trimester...

Blanca87 · 12/08/2019 14:00

Interesting that he wants to go now you are pregnant...

ChrisPrattsFace · 12/08/2019 14:01

I would mention the dates once you have had your dating scan - and then let him make his decision. If it was my DH I would hope he wouldn’t go but I also wouldn’t hold it against him if he went (also assuming everything was ok in those later weeks!)
I may view it different as I’m due In the next few weeks and DH works away days at a time and is un-contactable for large parts of that.

HavelockVetinari · 12/08/2019 14:02

My first arrived at 36 weeks very unexpectedly, waters went just as DH arrived home from his last away trip for work!

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 14:04

Just tell him you’d rather he didn’t go so close to giving birth. I don’t think it’s a unreasonable request personally. Is there any chance they could go in January just this once?

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:04

Thanks all, I didn't think I was being unreasonable but my hormones have been all over the place since I found out I was pregnant so didn't know if this was just one of those things.

To be fair, as we run our own business and he is the only worker, he mentioned last year was his 2nd year in business and he didn't want to take a week off and did say he would consider going this year especially if he could try the snowboarding as opposed to skiing and that things in business were still doing really well, so I guess it shouldn't have came as a shock. He maybe hasn't put 2 and 2 together yet and realised how close it is, just spontaneously said he might go. There are no official dates, prices or people confirmed they are going yet, just the usual chat of it happening in early months of 2020. His friends do not know about the baby yet either, so they might also be on my side when they find out. I know him and I know for sure he would not want to miss the birth of his child so maybe he hasn't thought about it fully before he said he might go ....

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 12/08/2019 14:07

@Blanca87 or maybe he's thought it'll be his last chance for the next few years...?

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 14:08

If nothing has been booked then that’s a good thing, he might be able to persuade them to go in January. Just talk to him hopefully he will understand.

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:11

Yes I think if he really wants to go, he mentions to the guys that January would mean he can go but in February that he wouldn't be able to commit to that. As money isn't a big issue to him (how he puts it not me FYI!) it may be that he will book up the trip as it's not been overly expensive in previous years, and if it came to it he just wouldn't travel. He has done this before when we first met with a Thailand 3 weeks trip he booked with his ex work colleagues and friends, he pulled out the week before as he didn't want to go anymore. He hasn't been abroad since I met him.... mainly down to the fact he runs the business on his own, but I'm now thinking is it a home sick thing that he never ever stays away from home and in reality he's only saying he might go just to keep his friends happy - I might just be thinking way outside the box with that statement!!

Either way, I feel better about approaching the situation calmly the next time it's brought up as now I know I'm not being unreasonable. If he were to go, my best and closest friend has said that she will move in with me for that week to be with me just in case, I could also take the dogs and stay at my Mother in Laws - if I didn't want to be on my own!

The other thing I didn't mention, and not sure if anyone else has any experience, I had a LLETZ procedure on my cervix roughly 2 years ago, and the midwife has said that this will be addressed at my appointment probably as in cases this has been proved to cause early labour...

OP posts:
MissSingerbrains · 12/08/2019 14:12

Of course you’re not unreasonable!

I’m not sure the holiday is a good idea in February or January. He’s never been interested before so it’s not a huge deal. Plus doesn’t he want to keep his holiday for when the baby is born? Have longer paternity leave, especially as he’s self employed?

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:14

Thanks @newmomof1 - that's a very good point! with the business, and a new born baby and the two dogs, we are going to have our hands full and he probably won't get another trip like that for a few years if he weren't to go this time round.. didn't think of it like that!

@NoSauce I think I'll definitely wait until the next chat of it gets brought up, as I know he wouldn't book it without speaking to me. Therefore if it gets brought up again I'll ask which dates they are looking at and mention my concerns about him going in February, I'm confident he will understand and agree January or not at all, I feel better about even approaching is like February is a real no go now.

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 12/08/2019 14:16

YANBU - he should be there for you.

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:16

@MissSingerbrains as he is self employed, our own business premises only 5 mins from the house etc etc, he really doesn't have 'holidays' or 'time off'. He is really fortunate in that most of his work is done early. I can imagine he will take a good 2 weeks of when baby arrives, but he will go back sharpish to start making money again - he is the main earner in our household. If I need him for appointments or anything usually, he just takes the time off from work as and when required if that makes sense

OP posts:
Tillyfloss1 · 12/08/2019 14:17

YANBU. You'll be in your third trimester then. Let's hope you don't but baby could come early, you could have a difficult pregnancy etc etc. And even if you don't you'll likely be bloody knackered by that point. It's not an essential work trip or anything and it's not like he could just jump on a train and get back to you quickly. Good luck with your pregnancy and enjoy being a new mummy xx

BeanBag7 · 12/08/2019 14:18

First babies aren't "usually late". They may be more likely to be late than subsequent babies, but it's certainly not unusual at all for first babies to be early or on time.

I would also be concerned that he could injure himself while skiing and find it harder to support you when baby is born. E.g. breaks his leg and cant drive you to the hospital.

GimmeeCaffeine · 12/08/2019 14:18

Not being unreasonable at all.

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:22

That was the other part of the worry I forgot to mention @BeanBag7 - he's a bit of a dare devil! So when I met him he was into the racing on tracks with cars, he was into dirt bikes and quads etc. He has tamed this down so much in recent years, and is a lot more sensible due to the fact he has his own business so if he does hurt himself badly, he won't be able to make any income and that would be a really shit situation. Therefore, this is similar. Ski-ing could cause injury that would make having a new baby really difficult for him, and for me getting help and support of him, as well as not earning! I should maybe bring that into it in the future discussions

OP posts:
flouncyfanny · 12/08/2019 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madcatladyforever · 12/08/2019 14:32

You would think a grown man would able to work this out for himself really.

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:34

@flouncyfanny Yeah definitely agree. I'm not sure, as we have the two dogs we are limited to breaks due to us liking to take them with us! We are not married, and that is VERY true but I think he would be mortified. We have spoken about marriage and neither of us are interested in getting married, married as in a huge planned day with all guests and the rest of it. There will be rings, and I will take his second name, but no actual 'wedding day'. For some people that might sound a bit depressing, but honestly it's just what we both want (everyone has their own opinions on Marriage, please no one be harsh about ours!). Maybe I could suggest that we make those arrangements early in the new year before baby arrives :)

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 14:36

The injury thing would bother me too, as I've been skiing twice and someone in our party broke a limb both times. It's pretty common skiing. Especially as he isn't a regular skier.

If it were me, I would say before Christmas or not at all. 8 weeks recovery time for broken leg. It'd stress me out too much and I think given you're going through a whole pregnancy and birth etc. it's the least he could do. He doesn't even sound that fussed anyway.

Original poster
nicannie · 12/08/2019 14:36

@madcatladyforever - baring in mind we have no kids at present. He has never had to think like a father. He only found out 4 weeks ago that we are having a baby, I don't blame him for making a passing comment of 'I might go this year' without thinking about what stage my pregnancy will be at by then etc, I'm definitely not holding it against him..

OP posts: