Daughter living abroad

[annawithabanner]

My eldest daughter is now living in the EU - since moving there contact is usually made by me. I have really struggled with her going ( she had two children) I am very low at the mo - and left her to contact me- she did by text and added she has been too busy of late. I was upset and said she could have spent a few minutes either by phone call or text - just to say ‘I’m thinking about you’ or whatever. Now apparently I have sent a tirade of complaints to her , and how cruel I am .
It’s so unfair I believe - we have always supported her , looked after the children during holidays etc - been there done that - I feel sick. We love each other very much , and I miss them all - but it seems when I dare to say anything or expect some understanding/ support / it’s just not there - I would welcome helpful comments

Maybe try asking her about how she is settling in, has she made friends, how do the children like it etc etc. Concentrating on how the move has made YOU feel is probably a little draining to her, when she has just moved to a new country and probably has a lot to sort out.

Yes of course you miss her, and she probably misses you, but if I'm honest you sound a little needy.

Do you have a DH/DP? Friends or other family? Hobbies or interests?

Can you make some plans to go over and visit her?

I think it's unfair to expect your daughter to lift you out of your low mood, and if she's got two children and has moved country she is going to be busy. I'd agree with Rather that it sounds like she's probably feeling a bit drained, and complaining to her about lack of contact is going to push her away and make her feel resentful.

Trying organising a weekly Skype/phonecall, avoid texting her outside of these times, and try to be upbeat, or at least balance out complaints with positive comments when you do speak to her.

What other family do you have? You say she is the eldest are there other children? Why do you expect her to be responsible for your low mood?

Thx for your replies - yes we do FT most weekends - and I’ve recently been away to visit my other daughter who is also abroad - we FTimed every week etc to make sure they were ok - I left it for a week or two - and stepped back abit . She didn’t contact me for a while , by which time we felt upset. I work have loads of friends - lots in my life - and I admit I’ve struggled with them going. We sent them off well enough - and we will go . But our funds aren’t limited, and as our other grandchildren etc live abroad it’s a struggle financially.
Ive done every thing asked of me - supporting them / child care if needed. Now I need abit of support myself - I don’t think that’s being needy particularly- we all need a helping hand sometimes- I will blow over I’m sure , but wow it’s overwhelming just now

The thing is though your children aren't there to support you. You don't care for them, help them etc and expect some rate of return do you? That shouldn't be the way healthy relationships work, not with strings attached.

Asking or relying on anyone else for emotional support is just a plaster anyway, it doesn't actually heal the wound underneath. Spend one time working on your self esteem, confidence and focussing on yourself.

Asking your daughter to support you when she's moved to a new country and has a life to establish there, and DC to support is unreasonable.

I sometimes think people don't realise just what an enormous thing it is to move country, to try and enmesh yourself in the culture so that your DC have a stable foundation there, to build social relationships from scratch, alongside all the practical concerns.

I really understand that you are missing them, possibly a little resentful that you feel you've given them so much in terms of support, and that your daughter has taken a while to contact you. That's fair enough to feel that way.

As the daughter that moved away (although I'm good at keeping in touch) can I just say that especially when you first move, time seems to slip away very fast, as you paddle furiously, trying to keep your and everybody elses head above water as you adjust, get sorted, and find your feet. There's just so much to sort out - every aspect of your previous life has to be replicated, kids have to be supported as they adjust, you've got to find everything that you need or want - what brands and where to get them, set up your household again!

Oh, and on top of that, there's usually a huge whack of guilt at having uprooted your own little family, and left your family behind. . .

I'm sorry you're feeling low, and having trouble adjusting. It's understandable. I guess, I just hope that no one says something in what is a very tough time for everyone, that might burn bridges, or cause wounds that may take a long time to heal.

Also
I was upset and said she could have spent a few minutes either by phone call or text - just to say ‘I’m thinking about you’ or whatever

Why? Firstly aren't you happy that she's busy and getting stuck into her new life? Be glad you raised a daughter who has the courage to take opportunities. Secondly, its not healthy to try to dictate how others behave and what they say.
If she's told you she was busy, why didn't you take her at her word? Are your emotional needs more important than your granchildrens'? Or your daughter's?

Now is the time to really for us on yourself, start some new adventures, take up new hobbies, find what makes you happy, and take ownership of your own emotional needs

How long was it before she contacted you op?

Because I don't think it's too much to ask, to check in with your mum, even if you are establishing a new life abroad.

So, for me, it depends how long it was before she contacted you.

If it was a week or so, you're being needy.

If it was several weeks or a month, then yes she could've found a couple of minutes to ring her mum.

That’s so helpful ( daughter that lives abroad ) and I certainly won’t burn any bridges - not good for anyone . I spend too much time in my professional life trying to help families support each other . It was several weeks for the other poster - not sure if I’m posting this correctly- not done it before ! I could have gone on Gransnet but wanted some young persons perspective..,

But your whole attitude OP seems to be that she should constantly acknowledge how bad you feel, it does sound very draining. Her life is not all about you, to be fair to your daughter. And this leaving her to contact you, and then being annoyed when it's not as quick as youd like, strikes me as you looking for something to be annoyed at. I know its upsetting that shes left, desperately upsetting maybe, but you need to think about your future relationship and ensure you dont damage that for good because you're annoyed at a very busy and probably stressful time for her.

She probably feels a bit guilty that she didnt call you TBH. I think its always difficult when adult DC choose to live abroad .I have a friend in this position and they feel quite low sometimes and miss their DS and GC a lot.As they are in EU cheap flights should be avaliable? .Could you perhaps have a few long w/e over there ,rather than 1 big 2 week break .That will give you something to look forward to and shouldnt be too expensive . Try to build in some treats for you and hubby if you can ,just a drink /lunch at the pub ,trip to Cinema/Local Theatre etc .Its an irony that often the most caring parents have the most independent offspring! you have looked after them well now its your chance to chill out together and have some fun with you and hubby /your friends !

I'm sorry communication with your daughter isn't going as you wish at the moment.

I can't give you a 'younger person's' perspective as I'm in my 50s.

I pretty much left home at 18. I went to uni only less than 100 miles away but I only spent two half summer breaks at home. I moved to London (200+ miles away) after uni and later on lived abroad for about 8 years. I now live 250+ miles from my parents (My parents divorced when I was a child but don't live far from each other).

My father started complaining I didn't contact him enough when I lived abroad. He expected me to call him about twice a week on my mobile as one of my siblings did. Only in those days (late 1990s) foreign mobile calls were ruinously expensive and we didn't have that kind of money to burn. My sibling lived in London and had an all-expenses paid mobile.

He would call me, I'd miss the call as I was at work and he'd leave a voicemail. He'd then immediately call me on my home number and leave a message. He'd then text me and email me. At the end of the working day I'd feel totally bombarded by these (at least) four messages from him. His voice mails were passive aggressive which made me feel shit. In the end I just contacted him less and less. I felt hounded and was totally fed up. He expected me to drop everything to take a call. I felt bullied and I was sick of being passively aggressively compared with the other sibling who was so much better at being in touch.

When I called back he would always launch into some sob story about how hard I was to get hold of. I was just at work and didn't necessarily run to the phone as soon as I got home, funnily enough.

Just make sure you're not making your daughter feel like this. My relationship with my father has never recovered, and calling him still feels like a chore rather than something I used to do as an everyday thing.

I'm 30 and lived abroad last year. Me and my mum are as you describe, best friends and help each other out a lot.
In the run up to me leaving (it was quite a sudden work decision) my mum put an inordinate amount of pressure on me to 'make memories' with her and plans. As per the pp who's father made her feel overwhelmed, it had the same affect on me for a short time.

I'm not saying you are wrong, or don't have the right to feel hurt, but just remember the stress pressure organising and worry your daughter had been through to settle abroad, especially with 2 DC. Perhaps just give her some space, don't contact as regularly etc and she will come to you, I and sure of it.

Just offering a 'younger persons' perspective!

for you

When I feel low I pick up the phone to a friend or family member and have a chat. I don't back off from contact and then get all offended. Why don't you try the direct method?

Thx all - food for thought x

@annawithabanner one last thing, don't be too hard on yourself, with any kind of change there is an an adjustment period. Give yourself some time and space too

I understand how you feel. We went to live abroad when our son was 10. He had always been very, very close to his grandparents on both sides. My parents were very supportive of us going even though they were the ones hit hardest by our move but MIL and FIL never forgave us. I suffered a lot of guilt about going but we wanted to do what was best for us and not regret not making the move. My new life was very busy but I always rang my parents very regularly as I knew how hard it was hitting them.

Other have said you are needy and perhaps you are but I think it's a perfectly understandable way to be when you miss your loved ones, you only have to look at the empty nest threads to know how hard separation can affect some of us.

Try not to take it out on her and hopefully you'll find a rhythm to your communication that suits you all. Hope you feel better soon.

I know it sounds crazy, but I think things have changed since perhaps you were a mother of little ones. In my life I literally am too busy to go to the toilet sometimes!! I have actually wet myself two or three times for this reason! It sounds crazy, but it's true!!! Texting may take two seconds, and today I have a bit of time (hence using mumsnet!!) But normally, I have ZERO time for anything really! I have tried explaining that to my own mum, but I don't think she really understands. It might not be that your daughter can't be bothered or isn't thinking of you, it's just possibly that she really is unbelievably busy, and stressed, and trying to settle into her new life, and trying to mother and trying to be a wife, and trying to work or whatever else she's doing.

I fail to see what your daughter has done wrong. She will obviously be very busy having moved to another country, and you haven't even telephoned her yet are complaining about lack of contact. It seems a bit self centred on your part. You also seem to resent her having moved abroad, rather than being pleased for her having the opportunity.

Thx for the kind words -fussychia - I feel better already 😀

My DSis feels like you do. She's pretty much a mother figure to me. I live abroad, younger DC and only ever call with a reason. I'm aware this makes me shit but I tend to live in the moment and the evenings gone before I have thought about making that call. She's not doing it to hurt you. She's just not thinking about you in the time frame available to call you. Really there's no bad intent. And if you take it badly you'll be the one that suffers.

" and you haven't even telephoned her yet are complaining about lack of contact."

I think op is saying that she always initiates contact so on this occasion she left it up to her daughter.

OP, you have said that it was several weeks so I can see why you'd feel upset. As much as we want our dc to fly and be happy, we don't want to feel forgotten. I'm sure you miss her terribly but you can't make someone want to speak to you. Applying guilt or pressure will just push her further away. Personally I would apologise for that, set a date to visit and just resign myself to being the one who primarily initiates contact.

Op could she be homesick so avoiding the reminders? You haven't said how long ago she moved but 4-6 months in is when it really kicks in and you need to work through it, I know for me I kind of avoided contact around that period as it made me feel so much worse.

Just to say I am thinking about you. Being a parent is never easy.
When your kid is an adult its a different ball game.
My adult daughter lived abroad for a bit . Ok she was single , but still . She still spends time abroad alone with work so I do worry as does her father. So its not a mum thing just.

She moved only recently- so very much in the ‘ holiday mode’ period.
I lived abroad for sometime myself - my daughter was born abroad.
I wrote letters to my parents - even phone calls were un- usual , and it’s not that long ago. Thank goodness for FT/ Skype etc - my other GC know our faces and chat happily to us - it’s not the chore it used to be