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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL pressure to have baby

27 replies

mimosa80 · 12/08/2019 11:39

I have an ongoing situation with MIL and its very wearing. I have fertility problems, in the last 6 years I've had an ectopic pregnancy, multiple gynae surgeries, 4 cycles of IVF and a second pregnancy a couple of years ago, but had to be induced in my second trimester as the baby died. I'm now 40 and realistically I don't think I'm going to have a baby. It's painful at times but am coming to terms with this.

My MIL hasn't grasped the concept of this. She continues to pull me to one side and offer anecdotal advice on how her friends got pregnant, offers facts she's read in the daily mail or suggests crazy things like paying a pregnant woman from the third world and adopting (technically kidnapping!) a baby. It's a topic she never approaches my DH about it. All the responsibility seems to be on me.

In the past infertility left me feeling invisible and empty so I made a lot of effort to make my life more fulfilling in other ways. I changed my job, made time for things that make me happy and have close friendships. I don't think MIL sees any of this. I think she feels like DH and I have an incomplete life. She is incredibly maternal and is always talking about her nieces and nephews babies and showing me (but not DH!) baby photos.

I was approached again this weekend about how I might be able to get pregnant by taking some sort of herbs because it worked for her friend. It just made me feel horrible. DH is so supportive and has told her we probably aren't having a child but I don't think she can accept it. She is family and most of the time a kind and lovely person, I don't want to avoid her but not sure what else I can do.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 11:44

I’m really sorry OP. Does she know about everything you’ve gone through? Because I can’t get my head around how anyone could be so thoughtless to someone that has gone through so much.

Or is she just bloody tactless and self absorbed?

greenwaterbottle · 12/08/2019 11:47

I think you need to sit down the three of you.
Explain that you've accepted this and are happy with your lives but you need her to move on, stop sharing baby photos and how other people got pregnant. Be specific and explain it upsets you both. Your dh needs to be clear to her.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 12/08/2019 11:47

She probably thnks shes helping , sadly. This one I would put back to tyou DH to have that chat with her.

Drum2018 · 12/08/2019 11:49

What a fucking weapon! One time telling her to fuck off might be enough to shut her up. Or tell your Dh to reign her in. Does she take him aside and suggest ways he could 'get you pregnant'? I doubt it. I would avoid her like the plague until she has the manners and cop on not to bring the subject up ever again. And tell Dh to let her know that the reason you are staying clear of her is because you are sick to the back teeth of her incessant wittering on about something she clearly hasn't a clue about. So sorry for your losses - it's a tough road.

lifecouldbeadream · 12/08/2019 11:49

Would you think about just saying-

I’d love to have a baby, but all the talking about it makes me sad. We’ve been through so much and you going about it like this isn’t helping us.?

It shouldn’t be anyone’s business but yours, and having had similar, I found it very hard when people said.... well if you try.... as if every single possible opportunity wasn’t something I’d already —obsessively searched on the internet— thought about.....

It’s awful when people feel it’s ok to say stuff like this to you. Hugs.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/08/2019 11:50

I think you're going to have to be brutal and reduce contact. Let your DH spend time with her and, in the interests of self preservation, take 6 months away from her. Don't announce it, just don't visit and don't be in when she visits your DH.

I know your OP says she's lovely and kind, but a lovely and kind person wouldn't behave this way, and essentially her selfishness is overriding your need for peace and acceptance. I don't think many DIL's would be as calm as you seem over such rudeness, and perhaps some time away from her (and if she asks, the blunt truth might help her see things from your perspective) might help her realise how deeply her behaviour is impacting upon you, and how hurt you are.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/08/2019 11:52

I also think your DH could have your back a little more here and spell out to her exactly how furious he is that she insists on raising the subject repeatedly when she knows you're not happy.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2019 11:52

Stop talking to her about babies. Anything she says, tell her you're not interested. She's being really rude and intrusive.

thepartysover · 12/08/2019 11:57

What @NoSauce said. I find it extraordinary to think she would continue like this whilst knowing what you've been through. It's thoughtless at the very best.

Agree the three of you should sit down and explain your feelings in no uncertain terms. Hopefully that will be enough to dissuade her from her current tact.

Original poster

mimosa80 · 12/08/2019 12:23

Thank you. Your messages made me tear up. I think I block out a lot of what I went through, it was so traumatic. She is aware of everything we have been through. She hasn't ever experienced anything like it so she is naturally not going to understand, but a little empathy and sensitivity would make such a difference.
I'm going to avoid her. DH does need to be firmer with her. When I feel ready I will speak to her directly about it. Thanks for your support x

OP posts:

RedPandaFluff · 12/08/2019 12:24

Oh my goodness - as well-intentioned as it might be, this must be so hurtful and difficult to deal with. Not to mention infuriating - it wound me up no end when people said things like "if you stop trying and just relax it will happen" - ehhh, very unlikely, given that I have no eggs of my own!

I don't think your DP needs to be there for the discussion but she definitely needs to understand that she's not being helpful, that you're moving on (or trying to as best you can) and she needs to support that by moving on too.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 12/08/2019 12:24

So sorry OP, this is a horrible situation.

Does your MIL know everything that you've been through?

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 12/08/2019 12:27

Oh sorry, X posted there.

Definitely have a firm conversation with her and tell her that you aren't prepared to discuss this any further and that she needs to stop. Get your DH to back you up on it.

I know you're saying she's nice and she means well but it's pretty bloody cold to keep pestering you about this when she knows everything that's happened. You are well within your rights to tell her to stop.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 12:46

Yes definitely steer clear until you feel ready to talk to her. She obviously doesn’t understand what you’re going through

Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 13:10

I’d cut her out completely. She’s 100% out of line!!

RedPandaFluff · 12/08/2019 13:16

Ahhhh that's a wee bit harsh, @Skittlenommer - the MIL clearly doesn't have a clue how hard infertility can be, and she's trying to help in her own way. I'd say she needs a firm, clear, unequivocal "STOP IT!" before going no contact becomes a reasonable response.

GiveMeHope103 · 12/08/2019 13:20

So sorry op. One doesnt fully understand fertility issues unless you go through it yourself. That doesnt mean you cant think how difficult it can be for someone struggling. She needs a firm talking to and your dh needs to do it. You don't need to put yourself through more because of her.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2019 13:22

Dh can see her, you don't need to. He can also tell her to stop being such a pain in the arse about the issue. She isn't kind and lovely, she's a selfish cow who needs to understand what you've been through and stop harping on about how to have babies using some witch doctor techniques. This would make me furious.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 13:24

The MIL obviously is out of order here and is being completely insensitive, she needs to be explained to that the OP has suffered and is suffering a great deal and that MILs “best intentions” are causing her further distress, preferably by the OPs DH.

It needs spelling out that she needs to stop with her “advice” ASAP. Cutting her out would be a last resort and hopefully isn’t needed as she will see the harm she’s doing and stop immediately.

AbbieLexie · 12/08/2019 13:25

for you.

Nabana · 12/08/2019 13:27

OP what you have been through has brought me to tears I can't even imagine the pain of what you've been through. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug, I'm so sorry :( Your MIL sounds very tactless and thoughtless and I agree with those who have said your DH needs to be firmer with her. The last thing you need after all you've been through is having to go through the stress of a confrontation and possibly having it bring up all your emotions you've been trying to heal from. X

JustMe81 · 12/08/2019 13:28

Oh OP I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Infertility is something that unless you’ve been through it you’ll just never understand. I had a colleague tell me to take vitamins to get pregnant. Easy as that! It’s not like I hadn’t spent years trawling the internet looking for miracle cures to help me get pregnant. All I needed was vitamins. 🙄 I’d tell your MIL that you understand she’s trying to be helpful but she’s actually chipping away at you and you’d rather not discuss it anymore and If she persists than you may need to go down a harsher route.

HappyLoneParentDay · 12/08/2019 13:29

No advice OP but I just want to tell you not to give up hope. My parents were infertile for 14 years before they had kids and my Mum was 40 when she had me. My Dad was 45.

I know you've probably had other people say similar and it doesn't mean that the same will happen to you, of course. However I just don't want you to feel it's too late It really isn't

AnotherEmma · 12/08/2019 13:33

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through - and that even after all that your MIL is being so insensitive

I think your DH needs to talk to her and tell her politely but firmly to back the hell off. I also think you should avoid her. If she brings up the subject of babies/children either walk away or change the subject - every single time. Hopefully she will get it eventually!

TriciaH87 · 12/08/2019 13:35

Put her straight. You went through the trauma of losing a baby and having to give birth to that child you had an ectopic pregnancy which could have cost you your life. Tell her that having a child is between you and your husband to decide and you would appreciate if she does not bring this up any more. Or you and your husband sit her down and say we have decided a child is not in our future and we will not be discussing this matter any further with you this is just us making it clear if you have anything to say do so now because once this conversation is over we do not wish for you to bring up our decision again.

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