MIL pressure to have baby

[mimosa80]

I have an ongoing situation with MIL and its very wearing. I have fertility problems, in the last 6 years I've had an ectopic pregnancy, multiple gynae surgeries, 4 cycles of IVF and a second pregnancy a couple of years ago, but had to be induced in my second trimester as the baby died. I'm now 40 and realistically I don't think I'm going to have a baby. It's painful at times but am coming to terms with this.

My MIL hasn't grasped the concept of this. She continues to pull me to one side and offer anecdotal advice on how her friends got pregnant, offers facts she's read in the daily mail or suggests crazy things like paying a pregnant woman from the third world and adopting (technically kidnapping!) a baby. It's a topic she never approaches my DH about it. All the responsibility seems to be on me.

In the past infertility left me feeling invisible and empty so I made a lot of effort to make my life more fulfilling in other ways. I changed my job, made time for things that make me happy and have close friendships. I don't think MIL sees any of this. I think she feels like DH and I have an incomplete life. She is incredibly maternal and is always talking about her nieces and nephews babies and showing me (but not DH!) baby photos.

I was approached again this weekend about how I might be able to get pregnant by taking some sort of herbs because it worked for her friend. It just made me feel horrible. DH is so supportive and has told her we probably aren't having a child but I don't think she can accept it. She is family and most of the time a kind and lovely person, I don't want to avoid her but not sure what else I can do.

My Mum has never experienced miscarriages so didn’t know how to deal with me when I had mine. She once said ‘you can always have another’ and I shot her down, she didn’t bother again.

People who have never experienced infertility and loss simply don’t understand. They can try to but they just don’t get it and will often say the wrong things believing they are trying to help. I think your MIL just thinks she is being helpful. You and DH need to have words with her really.

That's awful, OP, and I'm sorry she is making it worse in this way. The only thing to do is to both sit down with her and talk about how it is affecting you when she does that, and to both tell her where you are in accepting things. Then if she brings it up you can say, "I've asked you not to do this and made it clear that I do not want to talk about it again" and walk away. Repeat as necessary. Hopefully she'll get the message quickly. That way there is no way she can think she is helping or being lovely and kind as you say she normally is.