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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think siblings should be treated equally or at least fairly.

42 replies

habibihabibi · 12/08/2019 10:17

Sibling has had so many relationship failures, multiple "careers" and is very needy, financially and emotionally dependent .Behaves appalling toward parents often, lies, has committed fraud and lives in a fantasy world. Day to day it is like dealing with a 2 year old not someone nearing 40.
Parents have even had to abandon holidays abroad because of one of they many dramas that unfold/are imagined when sibling is "neglected".
We are pretty much NC after years of being taken advantage of.

Recently I discovered siblings mortgage has been totally paid off by parents who also pay a generous allowance to cover outgoings.

All this has been funded by the sale of a property which was given to parent and all siblings by a grandparents estate.

I am tired of my parents been taken for a complete ride and now this has happened ( is it even legal?) am livid that just because sibling shouts the loudest they get everything. No mental health probelms apparently.

Parents line is that sibling has had bad luck and we should all do what we can to help.

OP posts:

Original poster

habibihabibi · 12/08/2019 10:57

Bumping

OP posts:

newtb · 12/08/2019 11:19

Think it would depend on the wording of the bequest. If it's been left to 'aid grandchildren' then, I wouldn't think there's much you could do.

However, if just left to all children equally, then it seems that they've misused the money.

catofdoom · 12/08/2019 11:23

This sounds very like dh and his sister.

Sister has had a house built for her so she's mortgage free at age 32. DH and I struggle every month with our fucking great mortgage.

We've just found out that they actually cook sil and family dinner every Saturday and deliver it. We live an equal distance and nothing.

I feel sad for dh. They so clearly prefer his sister and her kids to dh and ds.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2019 11:23

I'd be having serious words about the misuse of the sold property funds.

FinallyHere · 12/08/2019 11:35

Well, I see how it's not fair at all but is it really anything you can do anything about?

Could you just detach rather than let it irk you?

CalmdownJanet · 12/08/2019 11:40

Wtf??? Were you all named in the will? I'd be on to a solicitor pronto, fuck that shit!! And I wouldn't apologise for it either, that's stealing and absolutely appalling!!

mbosnz · 12/08/2019 12:08

Is it possible to talk to the parents at all about the inequity in the relationships, and the negative impact this will inevitably have on your relationship with the parents, particularly if and when they start looking to you (and they will look at you, not poor little hard luck sibling) to give them increasing care and assistance, and your relationship with the sibling, who after all, realistically speaking, is likely to be left with no family but siblings when the parents pass away?

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 12:14

I am tired of my parents been taken for a complete ride and now this has happened ( is it even legal?) am livid that just because sibling shouts the loudest they get everything.

But your parents are not being taken for a ride. They are very much driving the car. They have done all this because they favour your sister I'm afraid. They have made her completely dependent on them, which is obviously what they want.

Sort out the inheritance and blame your parents for this situation.

catofdoom · 12/08/2019 12:23

Yes unless she held their arm to the fire so to speak it's just as much their doing as hers.

IABUQueen · 12/08/2019 12:37

Habibi.. are you an Arab?

Is the sibling a female? Unmarried by any chance?

In the Arab culture the female is provided for financially by the parents as a priority to the son.. especially if she has no financial security and isn’t married, which could explain the house and mortgage.

Might look unfair but that’s because the man gets double her inheritance.. during their lives she would get most of the financial care and after their death he gets most of the inheritance and wth the “hopes” of looking after his sister if she wasn’t in a financially stable place.. which usually doesn’t happen if society wasn’t placing such expectations on the brother.

I think context is necessary.

I’m assuming from ur username you are an Arab.

sheshootssheimplores · 12/08/2019 12:40

On the one hand they obviously see you as independent and in no need of hand outs, so I suspect that’s a big compliment to you. On the other hand I’d be absolutely raving and would probably have it out with them and end up going NC as I’d be so furious.

IABUQueen · 12/08/2019 12:45

Sorry I just realised that you are talking about your own sibling not your parent’s sibling. Sorry misread.

In that case, are you both female? Is one of you married and secure (you?) and the other not?

sansou · 12/08/2019 13:10

Your parents have enabled your sibling. It's not uncommon. It has happened on DH's side of the family although golden child sibling isn't that appalling on the surface - just happy/selfish enough to take all the time/attention/resources of their parent at the detriment of her siblings.

There is no resolution - detach and distance is all you can do. Nothing will change the dynamic - your parents will not think that they are doing anything wrong, just helping the child who needs it and you clearly don't in their eyes. This is how family relationships unfortunately fracture...

newmomof1 · 12/08/2019 13:24

This isn't about your parents feelings/ you worrying they're being taken for a ride. This is about you feeling hard done by.

It's your parents money to do with as they wish. If you want the same, ask for it, but they're well within their rights to tell you to stop being a CF.

I think you need to accept that life's not fair.
You can afford to live comfortably - you should be happy about that.

Original poster

habibihabibi · 12/08/2019 17:00

To clarify , my grandmother left a property with a house and land with barns that could be converted to enable all of us to have a place of our own. It could have been wonderful for my own family because I currently live abroad and would love to have somewhere to come home to.
All of us were named on the will, with my father as the executor.

To be honest my parents have have always enabled this sibling. She has been married twice at their huge expense and has excuse after excuse made for her.

OP posts:

Fyette · 12/08/2019 17:06

You don't need this kind of help from your parents. Your sister, apparently, does. The reason is irrelevant. Be happy not to be dependent and let it go! Or, if you do need the help, ask as your sister does.

Teddybear45 · 12/08/2019 17:06

Is this a cultural expectation? If so when they die your DH will inherit your parents’ estate. But yes in many Middle Eastern to Asian cultures parents disposable cash goes to their daughters.

TeacupDrama · 12/08/2019 17:09

being executor is not a pass to ignore terms of the will, if for example you were left 25% you get 25% it is your father's job as executor to ensure you get the 25%, it is not part of an executors role to alter the shares or distribute money in any way except that dictated by the will
you need to see the will and if in UK once probate granted wills are public documents it really depends exactly how will is worded when you are named
if the will says I leave my estate to father, habib and habib sibling in equal shares then you can force a sale to get your third or if you don't collectively decide not to sell but rent you would be entitled to a third of the rent, what your father can't do is release the capital and give it to your sibling and not you
if however the will states I leave my estate to father in trust for his children then it gets more difficult you may need a lawyer to interpret what the will actually means and what you are entitled to, if your father wishes to give sibling part of his share that is fine but no one other than you can gift your share to sibling

Watchingthyme · 12/08/2019 17:10

Deffo go and see a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster

habibihabibi · 12/08/2019 17:11

I am worried that my parents don't get to live their lives to the fullest beacause of her burden and manipulation . In the past she made allegations against them and then admitted it was fabricated.
I agree, some of it is about me. They don't visit in case she has a "turn"and miss weddings etc as a couple.
They just can't cut her loose.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2019 17:51

All of us were named on the will, with my father as the executor.

In that case you should all have been given your share and you need to see a lawyer, asap.

Winterlife · 12/08/2019 18:00

It's unfair, but it won't change. Your parents have made their choice. Don't worry about them.

My grandparents always supported my aunt, who married poorly, ended up single, and didn't like working. But once they were both gone (she was almost seventy by then), the money train stopped. Now she is almost 80, and has to work an 8 hour day at a minimum wage job just to survive.

IABUQueen · 12/08/2019 18:09

Oh if they’ve taken your specified portion of the will to help your sister then that’s immoral and it’s not up to them to do as they please. I would take this up with them and if not seek legal action

sleepingdragon · 12/08/2019 18:12

What was the wording of the will, and how much do you know about the sale of the property? Would an innocent sounding 'I've heard you have sold the house, can I have my share of the inheritance as I need it for something' be enough to start a conversation about your share of the money?

Depending on the wording of the will you could pursue getting your share via the courts, but you need to decide whether you want to live with the impact that would have on your relationship with your parents.

QualCheckBot · 12/08/2019 18:19

I have a theory about this. "Competitive" parents, who like to think they have produced ultra successful, home owning, independent children, often give the less successful ones significant assistance, because it damages their image otherwise.

DH's parents are the same. 3 children, he is the cleverest and has the best paid job. He got no help and has been told not to expect anything in the will. SIL has got a bit of help in buying her property and BIL has virtually had it all bought outright for him as he was showing no signs of leaving home at 33, so they just bought him one instead. Both hang around PIL constantly in hope of being left their house in their will. PIL instead like to ask DH to pay for stuff, based on his once having paid for our meals at a family dinner.

PIL have actually lied to DH about the help they have given his two siblings and then got caught out and tried to excuse it, then "forgotten" and started lieing about it again.

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