AIBU or are my expectations too high?

[wondering24]

When I envisioned my relationship when I was younger, I'd find a man who was head over heels for me, who couldn't live without me, who worshipped the ground I walked on. Who didn't, right?

Instead I ended up with a man who loves me, I know he does, but just doesn't show it. He's not affectionate, he doesn't kiss or hug me or touch me unless he's leaving the house or occasionally before we go to sleep, and even then it feels like a courtesy. He isn't unkind or abusive, he's a great dad and when we have sex (which we do 2-3 a fortnight) it's great (he'll be affectionate if he's in the mood or I say I'd like to have sex). It's just the rest of the time. He will tell me he loves me if I say it first or again if he's going out/going to sleep or at the end of a phone call, but never any other time.

Are my expectations too high? Is this just what happens when you've been with someone 11 years and had 2 kids? I've mentioned it and it improves for a short time and then fizzles again. In all honesty, he's always been like it, once the very early, new relationship, honeymoon phase was over- that was it.

It sounds silly, but my sisters husband posted a pic on fb today and wrote such lovely things about her as a wife and mum (just because) and it just got me thinking that he would never say anything like that about me. He's not a social media person, so I don't expect that, but it would be nice to be made to feel like he loves me, rather than some nice lady he decided to settle down with because there was nothing better going on.

Have I been brainwashed by chick flicks and this is in fact real life? Should I demand more? I'm not unhappy with our life in general, I just want to know whether I'm asking too much?

I'm not sure if your expectations are too high but I can empathise greatly with you.
I've been with DH 16 years, 3DC and up until last month we hadn't had sex in 6 months

It took me crying for him to finally get how neglected I was feeling and it's a lot better now. I think he was just getting on with day to day. I knew he loved me, even if he only ever said it when I said it first.
I wish I had a magic cure to make my husband more spontaneous and romantic but it's not him.

Neither of you is in the wrong, it just sounds like you communicate you affection differently.

I think that Facebook posts are never for your other half though. They seem more about showing off your relationship to others.

I am a bit like your DH. My DH complains about it, similar to what you’re saying. I’m just not very affectionate to adults (I am to DC and the cat). I think it’s just your DH’s personality.
As for the FB thing comparison is the thief of joy. One of my FB friends was always on about her fab hubby etc etc on there. Meanwhile they were both cheating on each other. Talk is cheap.

I’m like your DH I love my husband we’re only married 10months, but I’m just not the overly romantic type, I tell him I love him when I hang up the phone sometimes or when I leave the house or going to sleep. We have a brilliant sex life and we always laugh and have fun together but I’m just not the type of person who’s overly affectionate or romantic all the time.

sorry op, I’m not sure what to say really.

DH and I have been together 22 years and are not in the least bit mushy with each other. We probably say I love you just a handful of times a year. I said it just over a week ago when he was very unwell as he lost consciousness after a minor accident.

For me I couldn’t have been doing with high romantic fireworks though. It’s the kind of yearning that leads people to have affairs. Not suggesting you are remotely thinking this op.

Plus FB is utter shite, why do people feel the need to share stuff like your sis DH. I would be embarrassed.

I should add I do understand many people are like yourself just as many aren’t it’s finding a balance. I did have a red rose buying all over me, leave me little notes BF who wanted to marry me. He was lovely but it irritated me, his intensity and neediness was too much for me. I hope he found someone who liked all that.

I'm another who isn't overtly romantic or outwardly showy about it.

I would see your DH's behaviour as perfectly normal and it wouldn't worry me. I'd find having someone worshipping the ground I walked on somewhat uncomfortable to be honest. I like to have my own space.

It clearly worries you though, so speak to him about w.

I would add, I find FB statuses worshipping partners rather embarrassing and bleurgh. I hardly use FB or Twitter because I just don't "get" this apparent need to overshare so publicly. Not my thing at all.

Sounds like your love languages are different.
And no life isn't like a rom com. Sorry

Thank you all- it's good to know there are lots of relationships out there the same. I'd never cheat or go out looking for affection, but in all honesty, can see why it happens.

I'm not asking for roses or to be whisked off my feet- I'd settle for a spontaneous kiss or cuddle once a week or so! I'll have a word!

Thank you 😊

What amazing things do you do for him?

He will tell me he loves me if I say it first or again if he's going out/going to sleep or at the end of a phone call, but never any other time.

...is this not several times a day though?

I think it's a normal relationship OP. Although sounds like you guys are quite affectionate really - hugs in bed, regular sex, phone calls, saying "I love you". That's a lot isn't it?

My husband would never hug me or say I love you and we rarely have sex. I still consider it a good relationship though. He just isn't loving or affectionate person and I suppose neither am I.

I wish things were different, but this is real life. I'm just a normal person and so are you probably, why would any man worship the ground we walk on or think he couldn't live without us?

Social media lovies are most often the biggest lie. It's astonishing the reality behind closed doors.

For context, just yesterday, my best friend and I were commenting on the online posts of a girl we work with. It's all "me and my man, my world, blessed, oh my perfect life" in quite a boastful way, but she has group chat us the night before, saying she's told him twice in the last week she's leaving him, how she can do better....

She's friends with us, and her relationship is shit, without going into details. Which is something I only know because she'll message privately to us about. But if I wasn't that level of friends with her, I'd see her social media posts and think how happy she was to be in the adoring, loving, wonderful relationship she portrays to her online audience.

What her motives are for doing these kind of online broadcasts, are for her to know I guess. But definitely don't think what you see on social media is by any means a representation of how a relationship must be.

My husband is like this.. I know he loves me and he does tell me but he’s not one for gushing. And I’ve always been someone, like you, who likes to be shown/told

However prior to my husband (I was single for 10 years) I had dalliances (relationships would be a push) and they were all gushy, telling me I’m amazing, gorgeous, beautiful

And actually every single one of the fuckers treated me like shit

They are just words. Actions really do speak louder than words.

Would you rather be with someone who made mass declarations of love but was actually a bit of a shit?

Just because your husband isn’t openly worshipping the ground you walk on, doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Actions really do speak louder than words

I'm your husband.

I adore my DH and love him beyond measure but I am not an affectionate or tactile person at all. We don't cuddle or kiss all the time and I need my space. It's not you, it's him. Some people just do not like constant physical affection, doesn't mean he loves you any less. My DH understands and accepts this, but we have discussed it at length. Perhaps you should sit down and talk this through with him and let him know how you feel and he can do the same.

I find the idea of being worshipped, the desperate stalky undertones, rather disturbing. I would not like it.

I'd like to think DH could live without me. If I dropped dead tomorrow he's be awfully sad but he'd manage. I don't want him to worship the ground I walk on. I am a normal flawed human, idolising me would be weird. I know he's proud of me though I am sure he sees other women being better at some things than me. I know he find me attractive even though there are certainly many more attractive women than me in the world. He likes the whole package of me and me of him. I don't worship him, I could manage without him if I had to.

This makes the relationship stronger not weaker I think: each of us could go elsewhere if we wanted but we don't want something else, we want this.

I wonder why you want the slightly crazed approach. Have you got fears of being unloved? Or perhaps you want more public displays of affection so everyone knows he loves you? I bet there are ways he lets people know you are the bees knees, he chose the right girl, just not on FB.

Sorry OP but I'm another who thinks it's normal.

I wouldn't want gushy Facebook posts written about me - DH barely uses Facebook anyway and there's barely any mention of him on my page - why would there be? We live together and share our lives everyday - there's no need to put it on Facebook for all the world to see!

In my experience the gushy posts and the couples who detail their entire lives online are the most insecure. I'm friends with someone who gushes about her latest boyfriend (there's normally a new one every six months or so) - says how much she loves him, but also details all their arguments and their inevitable break ups online for the world to see and comment on. I just feel she must be so insecure to get validation from social media like that.

My relationship is like yours op.been married 25 years.
My friend dreams of what you wrote and has ended so many relationships for his reason..she has 3 kids ,different dads ,and has just ended another relationship because ,well just similar stuff to what you wrote.ive know her 12 years and she has lived with 4 different men ,all finances intertwined ..every time it’s a pickle to extract herself from.
In between the 4 she lived with there were others that didn’t get as far.
She thinks I’ve settled ....not settled down ....settled
I think she’s too fussy ,and you shouldn’t up and leave when the first flush of love wears off ...I do ❤️Her though ...fussy mare .
Who knows ...😀

I think your expectations are a bit much. What you are describing sounds fairly normal to me but we have been married 10 years and do have occasional hugs and kisses just because

My BF of nearly six years has never told me that he loves me.

It hurts a lot and makes me feel insecure.

When I see those kinds of social media posts I always think who are you trying to convince, just everyone else or yourself too? Your DH does tell you he loves you, you do get some hugs and you have a good regular sex life, that's all positive. I've never been one to be draped all over a partner on the sofa, hugging all the time, sleeping in each others arms etc, the only notable exception was a relationship with a complete cocklodger, so it came from insecurity not affection.

The teen dreams of being swept off your feet & worshipped are really imaginings of love. It’s not the reality of love.
Your relationship sounds really solid to me. Often we say I love you by our daily actions. My DH calls me (or I call him) every day at lunch. To me that says I love you and miss you already.
Physical affection....everyone is different. My DH likes hugs, kisses etc and so we do that more often than I need. I know he gets comfort from it and so I am always happy to give him a hug or kiss when he asks or is looking in need of one. I’d suggest you initiate the hugs/kisses you want from him and when stressed and in need of one...just ask and he’ll learn to spot your body language when you need that hug and start offering.

It’s not that your expectations are too high, they’re just not compatible with who he is.