AIBU or are my expectations too high?

[wondering24]

When I envisioned my relationship when I was younger, I'd find a man who was head over heels for me, who couldn't live without me, who worshipped the ground I walked on. Who didn't, right?

Instead I ended up with a man who loves me, I know he does, but just doesn't show it. He's not affectionate, he doesn't kiss or hug me or touch me unless he's leaving the house or occasionally before we go to sleep, and even then it feels like a courtesy. He isn't unkind or abusive, he's a great dad and when we have sex (which we do 2-3 a fortnight) it's great (he'll be affectionate if he's in the mood or I say I'd like to have sex). It's just the rest of the time. He will tell me he loves me if I say it first or again if he's going out/going to sleep or at the end of a phone call, but never any other time.

Are my expectations too high? Is this just what happens when you've been with someone 11 years and had 2 kids? I've mentioned it and it improves for a short time and then fizzles again. In all honesty, he's always been like it, once the very early, new relationship, honeymoon phase was over- that was it.

It sounds silly, but my sisters husband posted a pic on fb today and wrote such lovely things about her as a wife and mum (just because) and it just got me thinking that he would never say anything like that about me. He's not a social media person, so I don't expect that, but it would be nice to be made to feel like he loves me, rather than some nice lady he decided to settle down with because there was nothing better going on.

Have I been brainwashed by chick flicks and this is in fact real life? Should I demand more? I'm not unhappy with our life in general, I just want to know whether I'm asking too much?

Your expectations aren't too high. I'm now married to someone who is right for me, I want to be tactile, hug and kiss a lot, to be told I'm loved, very similar to yourself OP. However I did spend 10 years with a man like your dh. He just wasn't like that, he wasn't romantic or tactile etc. For some people I'm sure that would be perfect. My friend has been married for 10 years and they hardly ever kiss, or hug, but that suits them. Horses for courses I guess

I’m just like your DH. We don’t really cuddle or even touch each other unless we’re having sex, about once a week.

I know he would like more affection; it’s just not in me. I do try sometime but it is always a conscious effort; it never comes naturally to me. I am very affectionate with my daughter.

I think it stems from my childhood as my mother was not particularly affectionate. I can remember her occasionally giving me a hug and how wonderful it felt because it just so rarely happened. I cuddle my daughter a lot as I never want her to feel that way.

A PP mentioned Love Languages. I think this is key- it’s worth a google and definitely worth it for all members of your family.

Essentially there are 5, and you may all be different, you tend to give love in the same way you’d like to receive it...... so your OH might well be showing his love, but just not in the way you might think/like to. Once you know which love language is important to the other, it’s easier to make an effort in the way that the other most appreciates.

It has changed the way I think about DH and the children, and it can change through childhood, teens and adulthood, so we’ve re-visited as the children have got older.

ExDH was very romantic and one for grand gestures - which always made me feel inadequate by comparison because I hadn’t said/done similar things for him
However he cheated on me and left for OW when DC were 4 and 5, and had since had a series of failed marriages/relationships - continues to have affairs etc
I’ll settle for someone who has my back even if it’s not all flowers and champagne

DP shows his affection by spending hours in the rain under my car fixing it to save me a big garage bill
Buys me coffee and chocolate when I need cheering up
Would rush round if I needed him to including offering to drive 700 miles overnight to where I was on holiday once because I had awful food poisoning and teenage DC were worried about me

The only men who I know who post smaltzy shite on Facebook about their wives treat them like dirt IRL.

Facebook is not real.

My DH shows love by doing, not by saying. Perhaps yours is the same? We have been married 31 years and I have become more deeply appreciative of this as time goes on.

I recently came across the poet Rilke's definition of love:

"Two solitudes that protect and border and greet each other."

When I was young I would have considered this unromantic, but now I see where he's coming from

If we're going to be stereotypical about men and women for a second, I've found that men "get" the whole love languages thing when it comes to improving these kind of issues.

Once they understand the things that make them feel loved and (hopefully!) acknowledge how you fulfil those things, it becomes clearer how you might need different things to feel loved yourself.

I'd find a simple not too wordy or flowery love languages quiz and have a few drinks or whatever you do to chill and do it together.

Do you treat him the way you would like to be treated?

What happens if you spontaneously hug him or kiss him, does he respond? Ok it’s not ideal to always be the one initiating the cuddles but if he’s enthusiastic in response at least you still get the affectionate contact?

Agree with PPs about gushy FB posts being for validation or for show. I think they’re awful.

And yes, saying words is easy. I think showing love is the important thing.